Chapter 124

The Universe Hates Me and I Hate the Universe Right Back

I will admit that I have a hard time understanding the differences between something that is merely coincidental and something that is truly ironic. Honestly I don’t know if the events that unfolded next were coincidental, Ironic, or a sudden case of instant Karma coming to take its toll from my life. In any case, I learned right then and there that I hate the universe, more importantly, I hate this universe, but I will settle for the universe as a whole.

Perhaps I should backtrack and explain.

There I was, watching what was supposed to be the best comedic scenes of my life. A joke of such monumental proportions that I had to paralyze portions of my face in order to not smile and give away the malicious mirth I was having at the Dwenvarian queen’s expense.

She had just consumed my reward for having a perfect Nightmare run on the Dwenvarian temple. There at the end, I received a platinum colored vial, one that if Goldhammer’s condition was anything to go off of, I would gain platinum skin with sparkles by consuming said liquid. But I had been mocked enough by the universe for my appearance. Over my temple runs I have had butterfly tramp stamps, actual butterfly wings, electric silver hair (that I still can’t get rid of), glowing heterochromatic eyes, and now this.

This vial would have been too much.

I would have literally been a walking billboard for that emo-vampire series Nightfall, you know the one with all the pale skinned teenage pretenders. The one where everyone had glowing skins and pretended to be high schoolers for a hundred years.

Well anyways, the Dwenvarian Queen was doing just that. By consuming the liquid, she became the living embodiment of that horrible cliché of a genre. A sparkling vampire. Just one look at her would cause strippers on a glitter budget to be jealous, as her now naturally shiny skin glistened in the light. Even in the darkness she still gave off a glittering presence, as if she was meant to represent a tapestry of stars in the darkness of the vast Dwenvarian caverns.

Still despite all of that, what should have gladly been one of my crowning achievements of personal jokes of the universe. That is when coincidence, Irony, or even the dreaded instant karma reared its ugly head and went for the death blow.

“Oh! Wow, that is amazing.” Said the glittering queen.

“Your majesty, might I be so bold as to ask what you have gained from this generous gift?” The male steward asked, likely on behalf of all of us.

I wanted to say, other than permanent sparkles? But I held back, even going so far as to not smile at all. I did have to use a bit of Shapeshifting to avoid giving away my true personal opinions on the matter. Something that even Día was surprised by, as she gave me an inquisitive eyebrow raise.

As for me. I was the picture of a perfect gentleman trying to get taken off of the Dwenvarian watchlist, by offering a priceless artifact from the temple to the Dwenvarian Queen.

When she made her next statement, I was glad I had shut off my muscular responses to my mouth, otherwise I would have had to pick my jaw up off of the floor.

“I have gained the Spiritual bonus to all my abilities. My strikes, forms and previous powers now can cause spiritual damage. In fact, it would appear that everything I do from here on out will have a spiritual component to it.” The Dwenvarian queen said, in human common to make conversing with us easier.

There she was, giving away state level secrets about her new abilities. But all I could think was I hate this universe.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the feeling was mutual.

“Purify.” The Dwenvarian Queen said, with that she cast some type of rallying cry. A rallying cry that normally should have just produced a physical response to push further, to fight harder. But with her new power, I felt the cry of power within my bones.

That was the nail in the head, I had fucked up. The one time I finally showed a modicum of restraint, the universe bit me in the ass with it.

Looking at her, and feeling her use of power, I realized that I could have had the spiritual component to my regular healing. That if I wanted to, I could be able to heal the two Jesses right now, and be done with my whole personal obligation to them. But no, I messed up. I couldn’t suffer the ridicule of being a glittery vampire long enough to even see what the benefits of the vial were. Instead, now I am just standing here, realizing I hate this universe so so much.

Then an idea hits me.

I have certs. I know the Queen likely only has class powers related to the physical aspects that the Dwenvarians use. Meaning, that if I offer 49 magic certs, she could unlock a class related to healing. At which point it would just be a process of getting some poor sucker to go through the human temple and get a few thousand magic certs, so we can unlock the healing power for the Dwenvarian queen. What comes next might technically be considered kidnapping, or queen napping if we are getting technical. But, I would gladly do so, if it meant healing the Jesses.

“I have another gift, your majesty.” I say, holding up my hand and gesturing to my violin case.

What came next was a lot of back and forth, but finally I managed to convince the Dwenvarians that I was being completely altruistic with my request of granting 49 magic certs to the queen, so she could unlock a mage class.

“Oh, this is wonderful. I have unlocked a great class.” The queen began.

At that, my eyes went wide. I could all but feel this tedious task coming to an end, with a few temple runs, followed by forcefully shoving certs down the queen’s throat. Then a quick abscond to Jess and boom spiritual healing to save the universe.

“I am a Pyromancer.” The Dwenvarian Queen said, as a malicious smile came to her face.

Suddenly I realized I had just created a monster.

A power crazed Pyromancer of a mage who could eventually create fires that would not only burn your body, but your soul in the same spell.

Yeah, that was, well that was terrible.

After that, I didn’t push my luck.

Fortunately, we did get my temporary status as a terrorist and all related records expunged. I was then offered the title of Bro in Arms, which apparently is a huge deal.

However, I could only think about what I had lost.

Or rather what I had thrown away.

With that, I began the long process of running our different team members through the temple.

As was to be expected, I tried running the temple on my own, but was met with a message stating that I had already cleared the temple.

With that, I just piggybacked in a run with the different team members and made twelve straight Nightmare runs. Twelve straight runs where I ran through hot stinking swamp lands, through killing plants. Through stagnant pools of water. Down winding tunnels and mazes, only to find that no master vial resided at the end of the runs.

By the time it was my turn to take Día through her personal temple run, she could tell something was off.

“You doing okay?”

I just scoffed.

“I am not going to begin this, until we talk.”

“About what?”

“About you, this.” She says, gesturing to me with her hand.

“What about this? I am here doing what we agreed to.” I deflected.

“Yeah, but your all sulky now. What happened? Is it the vial with the queen?”

I just shake my head, but finally I break down. “Yeah.”

“What about it? I though you didn’t want the stripper skin color?” She asked.

“I don’t.”

“Then why are you all bent out of shape about it now?”

I just take in a deep breath and then shake my head. “I don’t think you would understand.”

“Try me.”

“Look, basically I turned down the vial because I knew it would change me in some stupid way. Worse I knew, predicted, and was one hundred percent correct with how that vial would make me look stupid. Something I was immensely grateful for being able to avoid.”

“So?”

“So. The only problem is that I could have used that vial. That bonus, that tie to spirit would have made it so my goal was met. That I would finally be able to conduct spiritual healing.”

With that Día’s eyes went wide with recognition. “Oh.”

At that I just nod slightly.

“Yeah, I could see how that could be a problem. Still, I’ll make a deal with you. If on my run we get another vial, it is yours. Then if we don’t get one now, and we search the universe for all the temples you claim to know about. If after all that time we don’t find one, I will make sure you run a hundred different people, no a thousand people through this temple, until you too can get your own stripper glitter skin.”

A just laugh slightly at the attempted humor.

“You say that, but this has got to be the absolute worst temple I’ve ever gone in.” I admit.

“The worst one you have gone in so far. Who knows, there might be ones that are even worse throughout the universe.”

At that thought, I just shudder to myself.

“Wow, you really know how to motivate your staff. I can’t believe you haven’t received nominations for the universe’s best boss yet.”

“Oh, it’s coming. Right along with my universe’s friskiest cougar mug.”

I do laugh at that one.

“So you finally ready to start this?” I ask.

“You finally ready to stop being mopey?”

“Touché.”

She pauses and looks at me for a moment. Then apparently seeing something in me that she likes, she nods to herself, then yells out “nightmare.”

With that, the flat ground that we were just sitting in drops, and she is suddenly waist deep in warm swamp water.

“Woa!”

The look of shock on her face, causes me to begin laughing wildly at her.

“Stop that.” She demands, then splashes me with the steamy swamp water.

“No.”

Splash, splash.

“Yes.”

I just shake my head. “Some people never learn.” I say regretfully.

With that Día looks at me confused for a second, before I use a minor portion of Water-X to create a giant wave of stinking swamp water.

Día, looks at the incoming wave in shock, as it splashes her and gets her full on in the face.

I can’t help but laugh as I realize her mouth is wide open in shock, as a wave of swamp water greets her.

Spitting.

“Ugh. Uh!” She screams as she shakes herself and tries to get the swamp water off but can’t.

I just laugh, which apparently is not the correct thing to do in this situation. Especially, when you are walking your boss through a proverbial death trap. Granted it is one that I have gone through hundreds of times at this point, but it is still no less annoying.

She is mad, so I summon real water, and just clean her off with a gentle rain. Unfortunately, this only causes the swamp water we are standing in to rise, slightly.

“Well go on, lead the way.” Día said, once she was clean.

“You asked for it, getting into a water battle with a Water mage.” I said.

“No, I made a mistake when dealing with a man-child who knows nothing of restraint.” Día said.

With that, I couldn’t argue.

From there we spent the next few floors in relative silence.

It was an icy professional level of resolve. I would kill everything, give the certs to Día, who would then catalog them all and tally my split. Honestly by this point, I didn’t care about the physical enhancement certs anymore. I literally had thousands of them, and I was fairly certain we could make good money on them.

Finally, after catching her from drowning on the tenth floor with my Telekinesis-X, she spoke to me.

“Thank you.”

I nodded.

“You know. You don’t have to be lonely the whole time. I realize this whole brooding for a lost love thing might seem romantic, but it’s really not.” Día said.

At that I scoff. “So what do you suggest?”

“I suggest you live your life. You can literally do anything you want, anything. And while I commend you for wanting to save the lives of others. You can enjoy the journey. It doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom, until you succeed.”

I just nodded at that, not quite knowing how to respond. She was right, so why was I so willing to suffer in silence while I worked to find a solution.

“You know, you might just be right.” I say, realizing that I don’t have to hate my life while I try to find a solution to my self-appointed task of saving the Jesses.

“It happens more than you might think.”

“That so?”

“Yes, as of now I can only count two, maybe three times that you have thought. While I can name at least ten times I have been correct today.”

At that, I just smiled. It was a shitty day. Well swampy day, which basically means the same thing. But ultimately, I could see it getting better. Of course, there was no silver vial at the end of the run, just more rejuvenation potions, but it was okay. We could always come back, and we could always try again.