"Ava?" I hear Layla's voice but I don't pay any attention to her. I need to finish these damn aesthetics and finally post it. My engagement these days is shit, and I'm trying to find some new ways to make it better. A beautiful picture is a must, but also reels and probably TikTok... ugh, I really chose the worst time ever to try to become a bookstagrammer. I spend way too much time reading, annotating, writing reviews and then juggling my social media. All because of my hobby. "Mason, dammit!"

"What?" I save the picture and finally look at my best friend.

"I've asked you three times already, but now I'm wondering if you heard anything."

"I didn't. What?"

Layla rolls her eyes, her fingers threading through her blond locks. She's literally shining these days, prettying herself and trying new clothes. She is doing it for Clay, and at first I was really skeptical about it. You don't need to try THAT hard for anyone, and if you do? It means you're doing something wrong and they are not your person. Though Rodgers surprised me. He's ready to worship the floor she walks on, showering her with compliments and attention. He's literally whipped and isn't afraid to show that to anyone. The whole college already knows Layla Benson did the impossible... She made Clay Rodgers settle down.

"Will you go to the next game?" She asks cautiously and something in her tone of voice throws me off.

"Probably. Why?" I hide my phone in my pocket and pick up my backpack from the floor. Colt should be at practice and since I already finished with my studies, the thought of going to his place resonates louder and louder in my head. I've been busy this week without any opportunity to see him. These days are the worst. "It's a home game, right?"

"Yeah... Against Michigan State." Fuuuuuuuuck! The look on my face says it all, and my best friend heaves a sigh. "Sorry, bestie, I kinda figured you don't pay attention to the schedule. I thought I should warn you."

I look up at the ceiling, chewing on the inner side of my bottom lip. I want to go to the game. I want to cheer for Colt. For Drake and Clay. I want to watch Layla perform. I don't want to feel like an outcast, but I also don't want to see Levi. It will be the worst scenario ever... him and the ice rink. All my nightmares will come back at breakneck speed!

"Ava?" I tsk, peering my eyes at my best friend. She smiles at me, stepping closer and taking my hand in hers. "Have you talked to Colt about it? About that night and Levi?"

"No."

"Why? I know you trust him."

"I do, but it's not about trust." I shrug my shoulders, as her fingers skim across the skin on my wrist. "That shit is still in my friggin' head, and talking about it is too painful. It brings back all the bad memories."

Layla pulls me in and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I let her, snuggling closer and hiding my face in her hair. "You need to talk about it with him... the more you hold onto it, the worse it will become. Don't you miss being on the ice?"

"I do."

"Then talk about it with Colt." She leans away, roaming her eyes over my face. "It will help. I've never seen any guy being as in tune with you as he is. He will know what to do."

I fight a smile, but it still blossoms on my lips. She's not wrong. The level of understanding between us is absolutely mind blowing. "And if his father's party taught me anything... Keeping secrets is a bad idea. They will be playing against each other on the ice, and Levi never plays fair. As he already saw us together, he could try something on Colt."

"He can try." Layla guffaws, letting me go. "Your guy knows how to stand up for himself. If he gets into a fight, it's always epic.."

"He's not my guy," I correct her, fixing my backpack.

"And I'm not your best friend," she mutters in annoyance. "I'm just some random chick who decided to talk to you about some random guy."

"Layla." I warn her, because her attempts to put a label on Colt and my relationship are ridiculous. We're just having fun... exclusively. Fuck! I even used the word relationship, but still I avoid admitting the obvious and don't want to make it public. I'm a weirdo.

"Don't Layla me." My best friend points her finger at me, taking a step back and putting her books in her backpack. "You two are always together when you both have time. He has eyes only for you, just like your eyes are only for him. You're basically living together a few days a week... and you're not dating? Bullshit! You're deluding yourself, bestie."

"He's okay with it. If he wanted to date me, he could have asked."

"Really? And what would you answer?"

Nothing. I would have run away. As fast as I could. My fear of losing my freedom is still tangible... Jefferson did a great job ruining being in a relationship for me. Asshole.

"Let me guess... asshole?" She asks and I burst out laughing. Layla knows me damn too well.

"Asshole." I confirm as we saunter in the direction of the exit. "Levi traumatized me and ruined the idea of being together with someone for me, and I'm still not over it."

"That's why I say... talk to Colton."

"I will." I zip up my jacket and push the door open. "I'm going to his place."

"Sounds amazing." Layla nudges me with her elbow, going down the stairs. "Call me if you need anything. Like encouragement."

"Go to hell." I mumble as she smacks my ass. "I hate you."

"Love you too." She blows me an air kiss, whirls around and heads to her dorm.

I watch her for a few more minutes and only then resume my walk. Hopefully this little stroll will help me to sort my thoughts and my memories. The parts about my past I buried deep inside my head, with only one attempt to forget all that. Forever. Not surprisingly it never worked.

What Levi did to me in the end of our relationship is more about physical pain. More about trauma and pills. It took some time for me to heal and recover. But mental pain is the worst. The fear this experience caused is absolutely hindering. It lives rent free in my head any time I step close to the ice. The darkness. The coldness. The unconsciousness. I remember every one of these feelings as if it was yesterday, and not two years ago. It's raw and basic, and it alters my whole life and my future. It prevents me from doing things I love, from being with someone I really like, from letting him call me his... Even if he desperately wants to... and even if he doesn't say it, I know it's on his mind.

Once inside Colt's apartment, I go to the fridge. Quickly rummaging through its contents, I take out everything I need for banana pancakes. They are his favorite, and I secretly love spoiling him. Giving him what he loves with one purpose only to see him smile and enjoy himself. It's the best version of him... the one I love the most.

30 minutes later, I'm in my crop top and cotton shorts, dancing near the sink as I wash the dishes. A pile of pancakes is on a plate, a mouthwatering aroma fills the kitchen. Music swims around me, as Zayn's song blasts through my AirPods. His music and his voice often mesmerize me and tonight I can't help myself, humming along and swaying to the rhythm. Until one of his arms wraps itself around my waist, his big calloused palm covering my belly. A second later one of my AirPods falls out of my ear as Colt takes it in his hand. I whip around slowly, peeling my eyes to his face. Amusement is easily recognizable behind his irises and also happiness. If it was up to him, I would already live at his place. He wants me here all the time.

"I've never heard you sing before."

"I don't usually do that when people are around." I stop the music, take the other AirPod out of my ear and put it on the countertop.

"Why? Your voice is melodic and pleasant, but it is also strong. As if you learned how to use it."

"School choir a few years ago." I shrug and step closer, wanting his warmth again. I'm not addicted to anything, except maybe him. Just a little bit. "I quit if you were wondering."

"Why?" He asks, bending his head to my face and quickly kissing my forehead.

"Someone made it impossible for me to enjoy it. I quit before I fell out of love with singing. I would have hated it."

"Who did that to you?"

"A girl, and I already made her pay for it." I breathe in his smell, recognizing notes of his shower gel. Good. We can eat and talk, and I won't have time to change my mind. He needs to know about Levi... I don't want him to feel like I did when I met Helen. I didn't like the feeling and wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

"Still, I hate that someone took it away from you." He hides his nose in my hair, and I'm melting. His ability to be this sweet surprises me every damn time. Being rude and dominant is how everyone else sees him, except me. I see him as he is, with all his flaws and his imperfections, with all his rough and soft edges. I see the real him, and it's the most precious view in the world. "How did you get here?"

"I walked." I chuckle, pushing him away slightly so his hands drop off my sides. I take the plate with pancakes from the countertop, edge to the table and put it on it. "Can you grab two glasses and-"

"Apple juice." I look over my shoulder and see him with everything I just asked for.

"Apple juice." I nod my head as he sets everything on the table, and then joins me, sitting across from me. "Why are you looking like that at the juice?"

"Because I'm sure I didn't buy it."

"I bought it on my way to your place. It's way better than Pepsi."

"Healthier - yes, better - not so sure." Colt snorts, taking a bite of his pancake. "Damn, baby, this is delicious."

Warmth spreads through my veins, cruising inside my veins and making my cheeks blush. His praise always gets me... in bed or just a simple compliment. Sometimes I really wonder if he reads my mind... the things he does to me are totally astonishing and make me doubt if he's real. Colton Thompson is way too good to be true.

"Glad you like it." I murmur, taking a bite as well and watching him.

"Like it? I'm ready to fucking marry you if you promise to make these pancakes for me every day."

"I'm not a wife material, Colt. I'm too independent for that." His eye twitches and I instantly regret my words. Dammit, Ava, way to ruin everything. Though, it's Colt we are talking about. This guy is honestly my personal undoing.

"Dunno, the way you purr when I'm taking care of your needs and how submissive you can be... I would say you're a wife material... in the right arms." I grasp a glass of juice and hide my silly smile behind it, taking a sip.

"You wanted to say 'my arms', I assume?" I tease, and see his eyes darken. I'm playing with fire, and I should be really careful. I need to talk to him about Levi first, it's more important than him fucking me to oblivion.

"My arms. My cock. My fingers. Everything in me is a perfect match for you. Try to remember that, Ava."

Wetness in my panties doesn't surprise me anymore. In all honesty it's really nothing in comparison to how wild my heart is beating for him. How hard my chest hurts when he's around and is showing me his affection. His apartment is our safe place, and there are days when I don't want to leave it. Not even for a second.

"Layla told me about the next game." I blurt, and see his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "I totally missed the fact it would be against Michigan State."

"If you don't want to go, I understand."

"I WANT to go..." I put my glass on the table, staring him in the eyes. He's frowning, a bit confused, and I go for it, not leaving a chance for myself to overthink. "I'm ready to talk to you about Levi. You're going to see him again, and I want you to be prepared. He loves to play dirty."

Colton is silent for a few seconds and then smiles. "He has zero chances against me, Ava. Trust me. The only person who he's going to impress on the ice is his mother. Everyone else will know what a loser he is."

"You have no idea what he did, but you're already making assumptions." I shake my head, taking another bite of my pancake, noticing that my nervousness has disappeared. His ability to set my mind at ease is amazing, everything is exactly as Layla said. I have never met anyone more in tune with me than him.

"He lost you - he's a loser. He hurt you - it only proves the weakness of his character. Real men make their women cry only from happiness, not pain."

Oh my fucking God! I hate him! I hate him for being such a perfect guy! Ugh! Good thing I have some clothes at his place already, I will definitely need to change my underwear. My pussy is acting like a lovesick imbecile, soaking wet just from his words. And these fucking insects in my belly... Please, kill me! I'm a fucking mess.

20 minutes later, Colt and I are in his bed, hidden under the heavy blanket. My head is on his chest, as he keeps his arm draped around my shoulder, securing me in his warmth. We're silent, and it feels great. With him, I don't need to pretend. He lets me gather my thoughts, not rushing me with anything, allowing me to do that at my own pace.

"I probably made it way more dramatic than it was, but... this situation sowed a seed of fear in my chest and in my head. The fear of pain... is the most palpable one, and it associates strongly with the ice rink. No matter what I have tried... it doesn't go away."

"What happened to you?"

"It was a party. Someone's birthday. I honestly don't remember much... only little parts. Some bits of conversations I overheard." I close my eyes, the scenes are playing in my head as a real movie. "Layla and I were hanging out with Levi's friends, drinking and playing some stupid games. It was a fucking dare and I cheered along with everyone once I heard it. Why would it be difficult for a hockey player to do a few laps on the ice even after he was drinking, right? Levi definitely didn't make it a big deal, laughing it off and saying he could do it with his eyes closed."

I lick my lips and shut my eyes harder, the memories of that night now flooding me. It's overwhelming and my head is spinning. I'm struggling for fucking air, and it shakes me to the core.

"Did he do it?" Colt helps me out, asking the right question. Listening carefully to every word I say.

"He did. He actually did good, people couldn't stop clapping and supporting him. I was there too and was incredibly proud of my boyfriend..." He presses me to his chest harder, giving me the strength I need to continue my story. "Soon everyone was gone, except him and me. We were fooling around, kissing, flirting... and I made a mistake. I challenged him to do a few laps again. He said okay... but only with me... The first lap we did good, but the next one turned my life upside down and took away my love for ice."

"He couldn't hold you, could he?"

"Nope. He twirled me around once, then twice. The third time he lifted me, but was able to put me down... Unlike the fourth time. The only thing I remember is him lifting me over his head and then it was darkness. He fucking dumped me on the ice, because he was too drunk to be able to hold me." My breathing hitches as I dig my nails in my palm. "It was my fault I let him do that seeing how drunk he was. I knew the risks and I still went for it. He couldn't hold me, he dropped me on the ice and then... he fucking left me. He got scared because I lost consciousness. He couldn't wake me so he fucking left... left me on the fucking ice in the middle of the night..."

Tears are burning my eyes, and I howl. It hurts everywhere, just like it did when I finally woke up. Alone. In total darkness. In the silence and coldness of the place. "Ava?"

"Levi didn't tell anyone what happened. He returned to the party, continued drinking and having fun. He told Layla I went home... while in reality, at the same time I was crawling to the bench I left my phone on. My head was spinning any time I tried to stand up... My dad rushed to me 10 minutes after my call and took me to the hospital... I had broken my left arm that night and had a concussion. It's nothing that didn't heal. It was my fault too..." I sniff, hiding my face in his chest and wetting it with my tears. "But I'm afraid to be on the ice since then. I'm afraid to even set a foot on it because my head starts spinning, and I become nauseous. He took away my love for ice skating. He took away the joy I felt playing hockey with Drake and Layla. He took away everything I loved about being on the ice... and I don't know how to deal with it..."

Colton is silent. His heart is steady and calm. Only his trembling fingers in my hair reveal his state. He's furious. Carefully lifting my head, I catch his gaze. A moment passes before he opens his mouth. "I will help you fall in love with the ice again."

"Colt..."

"I know what it means to be afraid. I know what it feels like not being able to even look at the thing that brought you pain and misery. I know all that, and I know how to fight it... So if you let me, I would love for us to try. Okay?" I nod and he gently tucks my hair behind my ears. Cupping my cheek with his palm, he holds my gaze. It's intense and penetrating, and he sees right through me. "But first... I'll make him pay for what he did. I promise... He's going down next Saturday. I mean it."

A thousand different emotions swirl around my head, and only one is louder than the rest. It's called love... and I'm a fucking loser.