I have everything I have ever wanted

A job I love

Friends I love

A family I love

And a partner I love

But when I am alone

Or in a crowded room

Or trying to fall asleep

Or talking to you on the phone

It's still there

And I still feel so bad

I distract myself with everything

With my job

I like to be there

It's one of the few times

Where I don't dissociate

Because the truth is

I still want to die

It's worse than before

I can see it now

And I imagine all the people

All of them moving on from me

I keep wondering how many months

It would take for you to find a new girlfriend

How quickly each person would forget me

And it grounds me in some ways

If I'm alive I can't be forgotten

But it also makes me feel even more like

I don't matter

Because that's how I feel

Like I don't matter

And I keep checking my phone to see if anyone has messaged me

It feels like if I'm not getting any messages it means people don't care about me

That they aren't thinking that I exist

But I know that isn't true

Simply knowing my thinking is unhealthy

Doesn't mean that I can suddenly make it stop

It's like when people just tell me what to do to fix it

Nothing works long term

It's just always a looming cloud above my head

A figure taping me on the back

When I least expect it

Sometimes it's sudden

I'm laughing

And then I have to keep laughing

When inside I just feel dead

I feel like my problems don't matter

I have a good life

And family

And friends

And job

And someone who says they love me

But why does it

Why does it not make me happy

Why does none of it make me happy

I still don't want to be here

I can't stand it

It's driving my crazy

That I keep lying and smiling

And I just wish I could make it stop

And I am anxiously avoidant of him

I either sit by my phone waiting for a text or call

Or throw it across the room so I don't have to think about it

I think I want to be gone

because despite everything

Everything I have

Everyone I have a relationship with

I hate myself

So no matter what happens

I can't believe I deserve anything I have

Or anyone I have any kind of relationship with

I feel like no one has realized what a horrible person I am

And that's why I keep thinking about death

Instead of you

Madeleine