DYLAN ||

Being here, right here in my mate's arms felt like Heaven on earth.

I'm laying here crying into his fucking neck right now and loving every minute of it.

I can't believe he let me in his room, he let me on his bed, he let me back into his arms. In all my 23 years of life, this right here was probably my favorite, next to kissing him for the first time.

I called him babe, it just slipped out but it felt so right. It felt so fucking good to acknowledge that I like him enough to let my guard down and give him such a sweet name, the way he's given me all of mine.

His pups and my babe...

I'm so fucking happy that he's not mad at me anymore. He dropped his commands, I can be near him again, I can touch him again, I can talk to him!

"Pups." I smiled into the crook of his neck, he wasn't calling me Dylan anymore. He called me pups! He called me pups again!

I sighed in contentment before closing my eyes and trying to get some sleep. This would be the first time I've slept in 2 weeks and I needed this, I needed him.

"Pups, I need to talk to you."

Shit..

The last time he said that, he left me.

Fuck, no, no, no...

I literally could feel my chest tightening as my throat started to close up. I'm having another fucking panic attack.

"Hey, hey, hey. Breathe, calm down pups, deep breaths."

"P-please, d-don't leave m-me." I tightened my grip around his waist and pulled myself even closer to his chest, causing him to groan.

"I'm not leaving you pups, but I do need to talk to you." Raiden tried to reassure me, but I knew what this meant. He's still mad at me, he's still upset, he's going to leave me again.

I won't be able to eat or think or sleep, I'll be on the floor outside of his door again, he's going to command me to leave him alone again, I won't be able to talk to him anymore.

No, no, no! I can't do this again!

Damn it.. am I being selfish again?

I clench my eyes shut before taking a deep breath, inhaling as much of my mate's scent as I could before leaning back and looking into his eyes.

I can't be selfish, I can't be selfish. This is what got me into this mess in the first place, I can't be selfish.

"I'm listening babe." I whisper taking another deep breath to try and calm my nerves.

"We need to talk pups."

"Ok."

"About everything." He says, taking on a more serious tone, I didn't give him a verbal answer but I did nod.

"I want you to understand something." Raiden tells me, gripping my chin and forcing my eyes to meet his. "Just because you're in my bed, just because I'm holding you, doesn't mean that I forgive you."

My heart dropped...

"Don't be scared pups, I'm not leaving you and I'm not rejecting you." He says, as if he read the true meaning behind my terrified expression. I nod.

"I'm going to speak first and I need you to listen and take everything in. Once I'm done, we can talk about what I've said and then you can speak. Is that ok?" Babe asks and I nod without hesitation.

Whatever he wanted, I would give him right now. I didn't want to lose him again.

His grip never falters on my chin as I stare into his eyes and listen to everything he tells me and I mean everything.

Raiden expressed the way he felt when he first met me, how beautiful I was to him and how much he wanted to love me and claim me. Never once caring that I was a man, all he seen was his mate, the love of his life, the other half of his soul.

All he seen was me.

Then he told me how he got ready the next day, how he and Onyx had an agreement to spend two weeks in his form and the other two weeks a month in Raiden's form. I heard this before, but I still listened carefully, never taking my eyes off his.

He told me how betrayed he felt when I used our bond against him to help capture him, he said he understood the reasoning behind needing to punish him because of the past dealings with rogues and he didn't mean to cause a war, but that my actions had affected him more than I knew.

Using our bond against him to trick him before Hunter injected the poison, he felt so betrayed, he felt let down, he was heartbroken that his mate would do that to him.

Then there was when I called him a prisoner and called our bond a predicament, that really hurt him. Just like when I called our bond a thing and Maddox corrected me, I swear I don't think before I say things and it always comes to bite my in the ass later.

I listened as he told about every single day he spent in the cells, how lonely he felt, how depressed he was without Onyx, how hungry he was because I was being selfish and ignorant, not believing his raw diet and still allowing him to be served hot soup that he couldn't eat.

He was starving to death because of me....

Raiden told me how nice Gabe was the first time he spoke to him in the cells and that Hunter was nice too, but he wouldn't trust him fully because of the fact he's the one who injected him with the poison that took Onyx from him.

I totally understood... I remember thinking that if someone took Maddox away from me, I would never forgive them either.

He told me how much he appreciated that I brought him a mat, blanket and pillow. He told me about Garrett and Theo, my punk ass family, who beat him everyday. They would go down there, knowing that he was in a weakened state and took turns holding his body up to punch him, taking their rage out on him.

I knew why they did, it was because of the rogue situation and Bennett's passing, but that didn't make it right and it didn't make it right that I never did anything about it.

I'm not going to be selfish anymore! I can't be, I have to change and my first order will be to punish Garrett and Theo for their actions, then punish myself in a way that Raiden won't like at all.

I continued to listen as he told me about waking up in the hospital, how scared he was and how confused he was. Raiden didn't understand how he got there, neither did I and it hurt him that I wasn't the one to bring him there. It hurts me to think about that too, I should have been the one to get him out.

I knew after dad called the council and they gave us the mandatory 2 week sentence that Raiden was supposed to serve in the cells, I wasn't able to do anything for him, but that extra week he spent down there, was for nothing!

All because I couldn't be the man I was supposed to be and help my mate in a time when he really needed me.

He said our first few days in the hospital together were full of my selfish behavior, everything I said and did was for my own gain and before now, I never actually noticed that. I always spoke of what I wanted or what I needed because I was too scared to accept the fact that I'm mated to a man and I might actually be gay.

Even through my selfishness, Raiden gave me everything I asked for and never complained about it.

Then we got home and I continued to be selfish. He told me that even our first kiss, our first cuddle, our first hug was selfish because it was all things I did for myself and not for him.

He said he couldn't think of more than two things that I've done solely for him. The only times I wasn't thinking of myself was when I went hunting for him and when I gave him a home, which to be honest, I didn't give him. So if you think about it, all I've done is hunt for him twice and that's it.

That broke my heart, I don't know why I didn't see things that way before, but fuck man, I was so selfish.

He even said the first night he left me, I was still acting selfish because he asked me not to follow him, he asked me to leave him alone, he asked me not to come into his room, yet I did anyways. I followed him, I bothered him and I entered his room without permission.

All of that was selfish!

Raiden even had to command me because I just couldn't abide by his boundaries, even though he's never crossed mine. He's never touched me or pushed me too far to make me uncomfortable, but I couldn't do the same for him.

I'm a selfish prick...

By the time he was done talking, my tears were falling freely down my cheeks. I felt so bad for the way I've treated him.

"Thank you for hearing me out pups." I nod, never once trying to hide the emotion on my face.

"Now it's your turn and I want you to be completely honest with me, everything you felt, everything you thought about me. I want to know it all."

My frown deepens as I close my eyes. I was terrified of this part the most because I've been such an idiot in the past and I don't feel that way anymore.

I didn't want to be honest about everything, but I knew I couldn't be selfish anymore. I couldn't think about myself anymore. I have to do this because this is what Raiden wants and I have to think about his feelings before my own now.

"Ok." That was all I could say before swallowing and starting from the beginning.

I told him everything, how happy I was to find my mate and how I thought he was a woman. I thought Onyx was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on him, then I got scared when I found out I was mated to a man. I told him how I sized him up the first time he shifted.

How much I hated that he was taller than me even by an inch, how much I hated how attractive he was, I hated how I couldn't take my eyes off his body, how beautiful he was and how uncomfortable it made me.

Then I told him about how intimidated I felt by his aura, how much it scared me and how I hated that he was stronger than me.

Not only did I feel uncomfortable about my sexuality, but I didn't feel masculine with him around because he looked more like the man of the relationship and he was stronger and more powerful than me.

I'm an Alpha, but my mate can overpower me and that scared the shit out of me.

I thought my pack would question my leadership and Bennett wouldn't be proud of me if I lost my rank.

I told him about the day when I came back to the packhouse and had that conversation with mom and dad, then with Gabe and Hunter. How I didn't want it to be true that he was the leopard killing rogues, but it was true and I would have to do something about it or the council would get whiff of this and be pissed.

That morning when we captured him, I cried in the shower because I didn't want to do this to my mate, but I knew I had to. I had to be strong and standoffish and take him prisoner because it was the right thing to do as an Alpha protecting his pack even if it was against my own mate.

I told him how conflicted my thoughts have been since I met him, how scared I've been of my sexuality and how many times I've thought about rejecting him even in the cells because I didn't want to accept him as my fate. I wanted to believe I was straight and that this was a mistake. I told him about everything and I was truthful about it all.

How much I hated that he was let out of the cells, but how relieved I was at the same time when I seen him in the hospital. How one part of my brain is fighting against him and the other has fully accepted him.

I was truthful about all the horrible things I've thought about him in the past, all the horrible things I've thought about his brother. How I apologized to him in the hospital because of the relationship I have with Roman and the fact that I didn't want to ruin Hunter's bond with his mate.

My apology was never sincere in the hospital, it was solely for my own gain and I told him that.

I also told him the moment I realized he was a better man than I am and someone I could see myself having a friendship with.

When he lied for his brothers benefit, he never once told Roman what we've done to him or how we treated him and I seen him in a completely different light. That was the first moment I wanted him to kiss me. That was the moment I really wanted to help him with his therapy and I was honest about freaking out because he asked what my ear blockers were.

I know I have to tell him about my hearing aids, sooner rather than later because I can't be selfish anymore.

Telling him the truth about our first day home, how much I wanted to be close to him when he thanked me for giving him a home. How much I felt myself falling in love with him the moment he told me that my brother would be proud of me.

I am falling in love with him and I have to admit that to myself to move forward.

I don't know if I'm in love with him, but I feel so strongly for him that it no longer scares me. I want to be around him, I want him to hold me, I want him to kiss me, I want to be his pups and nothing less.

Fuck a friendship, I want a bond with my mate. I've learned over these last two weeks that I want this to be my truth, I want this and I can't fight it anymore.

The bond isn't to blame, it pushes me towards him and my body reacts to him, but this is my heart and I'm finally listening, I want to love him, I want this and I'll do whatever I have to do to make sure I'm no longer selfish.

I have to do whatever Raiden wants me to do to make sure he knows I'm not being selfish anymore.

"I'm so sorry babe and that's sincere. I'm really, really sorry." I say tightening my grip on the front of his shirt.

He stares at me for a long time without uttering a single word, he just laid here and stared into my eyes until he was ready to speak.

"Thank you for telling me everything I've asked for pups." I nod in response to his praise, but I knew I had one more thing to be honest about, I knew I couldn't continue to hide this.

Mom's voice continues to flood my mind every chance she gets, telling me to be honest with my mate and to be careful how I chose to live with him. I know I can't be selfish anymore, I have to be honest about this and even if he rejects me for it, at least I know that I was honest and I tried my best to come to terms with accepting this part of myself.

The part that I hated the most.

I slowly reach up and grab his hand from my chin only to bring it to one of my ears.

"I have to be honest about one more thing babe." I whispered, closing my eyes before taking a deep breath.

"The devices in my ears..." I start to explain then stop to take another deep breath.

I open my eyes to find him silently staring at me, his face full of his own emotion.

"They're not blockers...." I start again only to feel my heart pound as hard as it's ever done.

He nods as I blow out a hesitant breath.

"They're hearing aids..."

He frowns and shakes his head, I could tell that he was just as confused as I was terrified to admit that I'm such a liability.

"I'm deaf."

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