Chapter 123

Finally, A Joke I Will Never Be Able to Tell

I am not the most politically correct of people. I think we can all agree to that at this point. I also realize that I am willing to let things play out for a laugh, even if I am the only one laughing. Of course, there is a problem. Sometimes a joke goes beyond your wildest comprehensions.

Sure, you go and find a magic potion that will turn your skin into something an emo-vampire-stripper could only dream about having. Then you jokingly offer it up the Dwenvarian Queen. Figuring that she of course would turn it down and you would be left giving said rare vial up to one of the members of your group as a joke.

Only to then find out that not only was your gift offered to the queen, as in the guards who looked like they couldn’t call their mothers were somehow able to get ahold of the Dwenvarian Queen. Well, not the queen exactly, but the Dwenvarian Queen’s bro consort, who was not now, nor ever a herald in disguise. I had to do a double check on timelines, but the Dwenvarian Queen’s bro was only a Prolaxian Herald in my universe. Still no clue where the heralds from this universe were, or if the bodies the Heralds hijacked were returned or not. That of course will have to be something that I will need to check on later on.

No wait, I’m retired from all that saving the universe stuff. Nope, not going to get involved in trying to find out who is whom. I am not going to waste my time finding out what happened to hijacked bodies; whether the body was hijacked by either a Herald or a Celestial. In the end, it doesn’t matter.

In fact, right now, the only thing that does matter is I have a vial of automatic stripper juice that I am offering up as a bribe to the Dwenvarian Queen to get our status as terrorists revoked. Well not our status, but my status. I need my status to be changed from being a know terrorist. I don’t really know why this would be important. By all means this universe means next to nothing to me in the grand scheme of things. Still I do think this is the best chance I have of either finding a magic item shop, or finding a temple that will generate spirit coins that I can use to buy more powers. Of course, the only problem with the purchasing powers is, I can’t dictate what power I will get. Logistically I will have six chances to purchase Spirit Healing as a power for my Spirit class. Though that is also assuming that I could purchase six casting powers, versus just the four Active powers and the two passive powers that I know I will get once I reach the fifth and eighth power respectively. This really only gave me four of six or a sixty-six percent chance to get the power I needed. Still, it was better than nothing.

Also, it was better than glittery skin.

Despite what advantages this vial of power could give, it would not be worth glittery skin. I’ve seen Goldhammer’s skin, in both forms and I have to say, that is a look I could do without. Even if I was moderately confident that I could hide the visual with my shapeshifting.

I’ve spent too much of my time running around looking like a clown in this lifetime from powers offered by the different temples and this universe as a whole. Everything from having butterfly tramp stamps, to electric hair that can’t be hidden. To heterochromatic eyes, to having the real metal butterfly wings that buzzed when I got excited. Yeah, I was done.

“You sure you want to go through with this?” Día asked for what had to be the hundredth time.

“Oh yeah, no glitter vamp skin for me.” I replied.

“Glitter vamp skin?” Día asked, incredulously.

“Yeah, have you seen pictures of Goldhammer? His skin is golden with gold sprinkles to boot. With that, I am looking at platinum skin with platinum sprinkles to boot when the sunlight hit it. Basically I would be the cosplay of vampires that even other cosplaying vampires would yell at, claiming I was giving them a bad name.”

“You aren’t even curious what the vial itself does?”

I looked at it and could not for the life of me figure out what the vial did. There might be a way somewhere or how to identify the vial and its contents, but I was not aware of any means. Nor were Día and her advanced network of fact gathering spy ring.

“Oh, I am curious. But I don’t want to draw any more attention than I already do. I’ve gotten my hand slapped one too many times for being gung-ho with any vial I come across. The last silver vial I had, did do this, after all.” I say, pointing to my electric silver hair that cannot be hidden even by my shapeshifting.

“Well, I guess that is good, as we are already too deep into this. We cannot exactly backtrack your offer now. Though I do have to say, why did you want us to be present when the queen took it?”

I couldn’t exactly say that I wanted to see the Dwenvarian Queen turn into the equivalent of an emo-skinned vampire stripper, right? So, I did what I do most of the time, I lied.

“I just wanted to see her experience her new powers and tell us what the vial actually did.” I said with a completely straight face.

“Liar, you just wanted to see her skin turn platinum with sprinkles.” Día said.

I was going to protest, but then I saw the faintest traces of a smirk rising up on her own face.

“Wait, you find this funny?” I asked.

With that she smiled brightly, and I felt that I had found a kindred spirit. Maybe not a partner for any meaningful relationship, but definitely a partner in crime. Someone who I knew would have my back in a joke. Looking at her, I could almost find myself being attracted to her. If I was a few years older, and into dating cougars, I could almost see her being a fit for me. But then I shake that thought away, as I realize Jess is still waiting for me.

“What? What just happened?” Día asks, a note of confusion in her voice.

I am about to answer, but then decide against it. There is just too much that I could or possibly would say, if given the chance.

“Nothing, I was just thinking of something.” I admit.

She squints her left eye at me, as if trying to decipher more from my statement.

I can’t help but laugh at the gesture. She is cute, I will give her that much.

Cough.

There are a lot of people coughing all around us. That is the first thing I notice about the holding cell, I mean waiting room we are taken to. Granted this room is large enough to host close to a hundred regular sized humans. It still feels really cramped with our group of fifteen explorers, along with our initial escort of twenty guards. Where we were then met by no less than thirty royal Dwenvarian honor guards.

I get it, a sign of power.

They have three to one numerical superiority. We are in their realm, making a grand gesture to see their queen. If not for the size and scope of the gesture, the vial of platinum liquid that is already out of my hands. The vial in questions is currently being carried in a padded suitcase, that is itself on top of a giant velvet pillow. I almost get the image of an Egyptian cat being carried up the Nile on luxury liner from the ancient world. So much work over one little vial that will cause you to turn into an emo-skinned vampire. I can’t wait.

I find myself rubbing my hands together in anticipation.

“You cold?” A Dwenvarian guard asks.

I pause, as I try to understand what he is talking about. Then I realize he likely took my gesture for a sign that I was in fact cold. That actually could not be more off. Ever since the temple run, I realize that Dwenvarians like things hot. I guess it has something to do with the love of thermal vents, but despite how wide and spacious their halls are, they make it feel like a vent of lava is right under our feet at any time. Added to that is the fact that there is little to seemingly no air circulation at all, and we are talking about a hot and humid situation that would make anyone sweat. Of course, I don’t quite have an issue as my high Endurance makes it so I can adjust easily to most climates. That said, Día and the others, they are clearly having a hard time.

I almost wonder if my saying something would get them to increase the temperature slightly. If only to see Día sweat a little more. I give one look to her, and she just glares at me in a way that says she knows I am planning something she won’t like at all. The look also promises severe retribution in return. Seeing that look, I feel moderately justified. At least, I feel justified enough that I don’t actually have to go through with my joke.

“No, this is just a nervous gesture I have. Rubbing my sweaty palms together to dry them.” I say, coming up with a lie on the spot.

“Sweaty palms? You humans are gross. That can’t be a survival instinct? How can you wield your protective hammer with it wiggling about wildly in your hand?” The Dwenvarian asks.

“Oh, that never happens to me, for that would mean I would be frightened in battle.”

“So, you aren’t afraid of battle, but you are what frightened of a few guards?” The Dwenvarian pressed, gesturing to him and the other guards that were following us in lock step to the queen’s chamber.

“Oh, on the contrary. I am nervous that the queen’s beauty will be too much for me. In particular, after the transformation, she is sure to undertake from this vial.” I offer, the lie coming so smoothly that I would almost have to believe it myself.

Cough.

Día coughs, causing both of us to turn to look at her. We both stop to look at her, but she is covering her mouth.

“Sorry, I think I have a bit of whatever is going around.” Dia said, gesturing to a few of the guards who are coughing violently. Surprisingly enough, none of the guards near us are coughing.

“Now that you mention it, I too had felt like I was coming down with something earlier. But now, I feel surprisingly better.” Our talkative escort said.

“Same.” A second guard said from my other side.

Then I pause, do a quick mental calculation and realize the guards that are coughing are the new guards that have not been near us. Well, the ones who were not near me for most of our walk.

“Oh, I think I might know why.” I offer.

I am about to elaborate but am cut off by a slightly coughing guard who raises his hand.

“We are here. I will leave you to the company of the queen’s elite guards.” The escort said, as he gestured for one of his lackies to move forward and deliver the pillow with the metal case to a guard.

Again, the entire process seemed so clunky that I almost wondered why they had padding in the briefcase at all, if they were just going to let the case rest on the giant pillow.

Still, I could not say anything as we were gestured to go inside.

Finally, after so many lifetimes and memories pushed into my mind. I finally got to see the inside of the Dwenvarian queen’s chamber. Not only that, but I got to see the Dwenvarian queen herself.

I must admit, I did not know what to expect.

Though for not having any true expectations, I was still sadly unimpressed.

“Her majesty, the queen.” The Dwenvarian royal guard said, as he gestured to an attractive if short, elderly woman.

Fortunately, I was able to react to everyone else bowing before I got called out for not showing proper decorum.

Then finally the moment I had been waiting for came.

“Your majesty, we present to you, a gift from a team of temple runners. When they came across this, they knew that they could not in good conscious consume such an important source of power. Instead, they took it out of the temple and have brought it here to you. So that you might be better protected against the troubles that this universe will bring to bear against us.”

Bring to bear my butt. This universe is herald, celestial, and abomination clean, thanks to me. But whatever, say what you must.

Click.

With that, the elite guard opened the case to reveal the vial of silver liquid that could be seen glowing from down where plebians like me were forced to kneel and wait.

Still, a giddy smile filled my lips as I watched on with childish excitement as to what I knew would happen next.

With a slow reverent hand the queen reached into the case and brought up the glowing silver vial for all to see.

Ahh!

Everyone awed at the sight.

Then with practiced grace, she removed the cap and drank the liquid in one gulp.

Within seconds her skin began to glow like she was a silver neon light for a vampire convention, and I smiled warmly at the sight. A sight I could never make fun of in front of a Dwenvarian for as long as I lived, but an amazing sight all the same.

Of course, I was not prepared for what happened next.