jj isn't good with feelings.

Everyone - especially Otto - was shocked at how well JJ took to being a parent, after the initial shock and terror he was going to fuck it all up he realised he wouldn't. At least not as bad as his father, and that was good enough for JJ and Otto.

It was very easy to not follow in his father's footsteps, he couldn't see how anyone would hit their child.

When Freddie was two weeks old she finally had the brain capacity to think about something other than him.

And what came into her mind was JJ's confession.

Her fingers scrubbed her scalp, washing her hair meticulously.

She didn't say it back to him, she actually completely glazed over it as if she hadn't heard it. She didn't think it was fair to say something as deep as that without meaning it.

After being satisfied with how much she scrubbed it, she washed it out and began scrubbing it again.

You'd know if you loved someone, right? It'd just be something that popped into your brain very clearly. It'd be very apparent. It wouldn't need much thought.

She began washing the shampoo out again, running her hands through from the roots of her all the way down to the ends to make sure she got it all out.

The thought of being without JJ terrified her, she didn't think she'd be able to do it without JJ. Not now that she was use to his help.

Gathering practically a handful of conditioner in her hand she ran it through her ends, trying to get all the knots out.

She also didn't like the idea of JJ being with someone, dating someone.

She cleaned her body while the conditioner sat, and then washed both the body wash off and conditioner out.

But that didn't mean she loved him.

She'd been in the shower a while, long enough for JJ to get worried. He knocked on the door, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute." She yelled back throught the door and over the noise of the shower. After, a few more seconds she switched off the shower and squeezed the water out if her hair.

She got out of the shower and began blow drying her hair, just trying to get some of the water out. She hated when it wet the back of her shirt.

Then the realisation set in.

Just because JJ said he loved her, didn't mean he was in love with her. Otto loved her mum but she obviously wasn't in love with her. JJ just loved her because she gave him Freddie.

He just saw him as the mother of his baby.

She'd been so fucking cocky thinking someone like JJ would be in love with someone like her, they slept together while they were both insanely drunk and high. He wouldn't have slept with her if they were both sober.

Otto didn't even look like she did the night they slept together, she looked so different.

JJ was a teenager, he wanted someone who didn't look like they just had a baby. Teenager's are notoriously shallow, in highschool the main thing that made you popular was if you were good looking.

Even if she was up to his standard that night she most definitely wasn't now, she looked like a complete and utter mess.

After she finished blow-drying her hair, brushing her teeth and getting dressed she walked out of the steamy bathroom, she went over to Freddie and gave him a kiss on the forehead before getting into her side of the bed.

She didn't once acknowledge JJ, despite it not being his fault at all that Otto had assumed things she still couldn't help taking it out in him.

Otto slept looking out toward the door, "What's wrong?" JJ asked, sitting up to look at her.

He knew her well enough to notice the blank face and beeline to the bed, and sleeping facing away from him meant she felt bad. Not necessarily mad, but bad.

"I'm trying to go to sleep. You talking really isn't helping." She said gruffly, she had purposely Dutch braided her hair and tied it into a bun. She needed to begin separating herself from JJ, so when he found someone else it wouldn't hurt so bad.

She couldn't sleep. JJ was fast asleep so she made a bottle and fed Freddie during the night.

The second time she did it JJ woke up, "You should've woken me up." He mumbled, you could hear the sleepiness in his voice.

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own baby."

"I didn't say that you're not, but I'm also perfectly capable which means we both can help."

"Just go to sleep, I'll be sure to wake you up the next time."

JJ hadn't the foggiest clue what he did to Otto, but he didn't want to fight with her at three am so he just nodded, despite her not being able to see it and laid back down.

JJ didn't notice Otto going to the bathroom until the bathroom door closed, she'd purposely done it as quietly as possible but it had a creak in it.

The bathroom light flicked on and the tap began to run.

It was so quiet, a mix between the tap being on and Otto purposely being almost silent when she cried, but JJ heard it.

He ran his hand down his face, trying to wake himself up.

Getting out of bed he walked over to the en suite.

He'd only seem her cry twice, when her father died and when she was having Freddie.

There was no point in knocking, she'd just tell him to fuck off. She didn't do the lock because it was very loud and kind of defeated the point of a 4am crying session.

When he pushed the door open he, sure enough, saw Otto sat on the floor, the back of her head resting against the cabinet underneath the sink.

Otto tried to stop crying when JJ walked in but she just could stop herself, probably the hormones.

He turned the tap off and got down on the ground next to Otto, "What's wrong?" He asked gently.

Freddie was a extremely heavy sleeping so they could have a mariarchi band come in and he wouldn't bat an eye.

Shockingly, she said nothing, just pulling her knees up to her chest and putting her hands over her face, the heels of her hands pressing against her eyes lightly. If she had to cry in front of him she sure as hell didn't want him to see any more than he needed to.

She'd let him get too close, she'd done it again. She didn't learn the first time, or the second time or the third time. Whether she knew it or not she had begun to let herself think there could be more to their relationship than a weird friendship and sharing the same baby. She felt a like a fool.

JJ pushed the issue.

She broke a little. She didn't want to say it, it was embarrassing to tell him, to admit she was so stupid. The words came out before she could stop them.

She felt unlovable.

He was now even more confused, he had told her he loved her not long ago and she felt unlovable? It had been a crazy few weeks and when he told her she had just gotten up from a nap and needed food.

Maybe she'd forgotten.

"I already told you, I love you."

Otto managed to stop crying so she pulled her hands away from her face and sniffled a little. Once she said the first few words she had opened the flood gate and she couldn't help the wave that followed. It was like her body was overriding her brain.

"Not like that. No one is ever going to want me again. I've got so much fucking baggage."

He literally told her she loved him a matter of seconds ago?

It wasn't girls that confused him, it was just feelings in general. He could get a read on people, he also didn't know how to put his own feelings into words. It's something that children are taught, telling people how they feel. But as was established, JJ was not taught that.

But he knew he was very clear at how he just expressed his feelings, it was really simple. She had to know what he was saying.

He. Loved. Her.

"I love you." He repeated himself, maybe she hadn't heard him thd first time. She was crying.

"Not like that, JJ. You love me because I gave you Freddie. There is a really big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone."

He smirked, and rephrased.

"Okay, then I'm in love with you, Tillie."

Everything stilled for Otto. She had done such a good job and convincing herself that he didn't love her in that way, the he just loved her, that it was shocking that he was in love with her.

She ran a finger under her eyes to collect the tears that had spilt.

"You can't just going around saying shit like that when you don't mean it. It's not fair."

Otto had be burned so many time by people that told her they were in love with her. She'd been cheated on, gaslit, groomed and both mentally abused and physically abused, so now she couldn't believe people when they said they were in love with her.

JJ shifted to sit so he faced her a little more and grabbed her chin gently and angled her face toward him, "I'm in love with you Otto, so fucking much."

She couldn't help it, she was so hormonal that she started crying again.

He stood up and pulled Otto up with him and wrapped her up in a hug, his arms holding tightly around her body. He kissed the side of her head as her face was pushed into the crook of his neck.

"I'm so in love with you."

Once again, he knew she wasn't going to say it back. That'd take time, but he now knew she loved him too.

She just needed to figure it out for herself.

Freddie had waited for the confession of love to started crying, he wasn't about to ruin the moment for his parents.

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