The house is quiet, and only sounds are distant rumbling from outside, and occasionally faint creaking from the floor as someone walks by outside my door. No sound from above as Iselin sleeps in Roberts bed tonight.

Iselin sleeps with Robert.

Snuggled up against Robert's and their arms wrapped around each other.

I really wish it was me snuggle up against Robert, and I loath myself for the stray thoughts about trying the lame excuse of being afraid of lightning since Hardangervidda, just to get him to share my bed. Why is it so hard to admit even just to myself that I want him as my boyfriend? That I want to snuggle and cuddle with him? To admit I want to do far more than just cuddle? Am I really that pathetically shallow? Isn't it enough that I am a bitch, a bully and a hypocrite? How many bad personality traits do I have? It's been hard enough so far to realise how I been and behaved so far in my life. How many in Midgård miss me because I made their lives better? Does anyone remember me as a good person? Anyone but my parents?

Does my parents?

There really are no good excuse for being such a bloody bitchy moron the first time we met. It would have been utterly pathetic to say 'Sorry' and think everything would be fine, but that is what I would have done. I'd probably been mad if he hadn't accepted my 'sincere' apology, and tried to shift the blame to him. It's even more utterly pathetic after realising who I really am and how I have behaved all my life. Only a complete bitch and hypocrite would accuse him of what I thought he did, without realising I would have been so much worse if the roles were reversed. Of course I didn't question what others said because I have done similar. How many times have I used my looks, money, or believed my 'status' justified my actions? Especially towards nerds? If the roles were reversed here, it's just a matter of how big of a monster I would be. How many boy-toys would I have had? Would I ever think there might be anything wrong with it?

How many lives have I ruined by being a bully? What does it say about me that I neither thought or cared about it before he told me about his life? How many are glad that I've disappeared in the wilderness? Hope that I died cold and starving? Thought it was too merciful and I got off easy?

I don't deserve someone like Robert. I deserve someone like Tom. Or worse.

How many would think I deserved to be Radgeirrson's tortured sex slave? Or experience something like Ciara did, but unlike her, I wouldn't deserve to be saved by someone like Robert. If Ciara had become my slave; how would I have reacted? How would I have treated her? How would I have treated a man in a similar circumstance? What would I do if everything was the other way around?

Robert is their trophy, and he accepts that they are proud to show that they are his women, and that it is necessary to protect them. But they are not trophies to him. They don't get jewels and fancy dresses because he wants to brag to others, even though that is partly what is proper in this culture. If Robert had girlfriends like them in Midgård, he wouldn't go to the main beach so he could brag. He wouldn't go to clubs surrounded by them. That would go against his principles, and he would've felt incredibly uncomfortable to even be seen in public with them, due to people's judgmental eyes and preconceived notions. People like me.

I can't see myself saying 'no' to the smart, charming and handsome and rich young prince with large estates, especially knowing I might become the Queen with my kids could inheriting the throne. I just can't see that I would marry an uneducated former slave with nothing more than the clothes on his body, when I could've had someone so much better.

Damn.

DAMN!

DAMN!!!

Just that I automatically thought of Iselin as a former slave and I want 'someone so much better' proves that I still look down on Iselin, and that wealth and status are still far more important than the person or love. Iselin is a better person than me. She also deserves someone like Robert. She deserves to be his Vivian Ward.

Robert only chose Iselin. The others chose Robert. They are not bad people, but he only chose Iselin. Just how scared he is of what he might do if something happens to her is scary, especially if someone is intentionally hurting her. But that's not love. It is fierce protectiveness with strong emotions. What says how much he loves her is that Iselin just have to say she wanted them to separate and go her own way - because he would let her go. He probably wouldn't even raise his voice against her or anyone else, and just accept her choice and set her free. Then he would mourned in silence so she wouldn't see his anguish. So she wouldn't feel bad. Definitely 'Crying in the rain', but not for pride, but for love. 'If you love something, set it free'. For Robert that is not a saying.

Considering that he is trapped in a medieval world, and still get teary eyed thinking about his ex-girlfriend and hopes that she has a good life after so many years... A part of his soul will died if Iselin wants to leave him, and fortunately that is unlikely to ever happen. And then he will still have Ciara and Kari.

If only I were so loved.

So loved by Robert.

Ciara and Kari must have seen that and wanted the same thing, but took two different approaches to achieve it. And me joking that they were just having sex with their Goddess's messiah. Bloody moron. Epic moron.

Am I not as desperate as Ciara was, just in my own way?

And I am such a shallow bitchy moron that it took me months to get here.

I wish Robert was here beside me. Snuggle into his arms, while we talked about unimportant things before going to sleep. Be able to fall asleep, and dream other dreams. Pleasant dreams.

Fearing sleep. Fear waking up sweaty with my heart racing from yet another nightmare. That horrible moment when the dream is still vivid in my mind, and I have to make sure I am here in my room. That it was just a nightmare. Robert haven't really thrown me out of his life. Told me to leave. Or that vivid nightmare that we never become anything more than friends, and I spend the rest of my life watching Iselin, Ciara and Kari get married, have children and grandchildren and be happy. How Caecilia, Alith and the maids also have children with Robert and all are one big happy family. Without me. How I become pushed aside more and more from their lives and happy growing family. My absence is barely noticed, and not missed.

It hurts to see Robert with the others. Especially Iselin. The looks they give each other and the small gestures and moments. The smiles and the way they touch each other. I wish them to be happy, but it still hurts to know how happy they are tonight. Content to be in each other's arms. They will sleep well and wake up happy.

I don't want to live like this any more. Loneliness, anguish and pain and just going through the motions day after day. My existence and life just a meaningless void, until the next time I'm with Robert. When I have his attention and it's just the two of us. Like when we go jogging. Or on the couch talking, with his arm around me. Listening to all his silly or wonderful ideas and plans. Enjoying when his mind go way of track, since it is funny but also makes the moment last a bit longer. My time with Robert. When I feel alive and the world is colourful. When I don't need to be pretend that everything is fine. Pretend to be happy. Pretend, so they don't understand.

Damn! I hate this feeling! I hate how cold and empty my room and bed feels!

I can't ask Caecilia to join me again. I'm not bisexual, so it says something about me that I'd rather take her to bed than Robert. Than admit to Robert. Why is it always Robert?! Why can't I see myself sharing my bed and life with someone else?! Not that it makes any difference; like any Elvish man would want me. The hairy woman. Barely a woman and not much better than an animal. From someone who wash once a week.

Damn La Bouche! How could I be such a moron?! Again! Talk about playing with fire and getting burned. That damn smile. Those eyes. Be my lover...

...

How can it still have such an effect on me?!

How many weeks has it been?! Just the thought makes me want to kick in the door to his room, tie him to the bed and satisfy myself until I've had enough!

I bet he would like that, and enjoyed his victory. Yeah, not hard to imagine that! Bastard!

Damn smile!

Damn Robert!

It's all his damn fault!