My medicine isn't working

And the person inside my head

They keep yelling at me

They want me to die

When I used to be able to pretend

By drinking some water

And swallowing some pills

I feel empty

I don't think I can paint on my smile today

I'll just lay in my bed

And in my bathtub

On the floor in my room

I keep imagining what it would be like

What it would be like to be gone

And that everyone would be better off

If I was not here

I keep thinking back to things you've told me

And what I've done

Who I am now

What I've become

You gave me a picture of a naked woman

And said she was pretty

That it was funny

Why did it bother me so much

Why do I still think about it

And in the car when you look at other women

Or suggest that you and your friends go to hooters

And you told me you have been to a strip club

That it is art

When I seem surprised

Why does it bother me

I'm not jealous

I just feel inadequate compared to anyone else

Severely insecure

Like a beast

And you handed me a picture of a naked woman

And told me she was pretty

And laughed

How is that funny

Is this what it feels like to take off rose tinted glasses

I keep seeing new parts of you I hadn't seen before

And as much as I love you

I'm upset

I thought you were different then other people I had met

But maybe in some ways you're just the same

And maybe there are still more sides to you I haven't seen

When we went to the theme park

I had to leave to sit alone

I thought I was going to throw up

Because I felt like I didn't know you

Or myself

And you seem to think I don't care about your friends

And I said I do

But I don't think you believe me

So I went and hid in a corner by a snake

It reminded me of you

And I sat in the dark on a bench

And I cried

Did you know I was crying

And I feel like you only want me

So I can pleasure you

And when you tell me I'm pretty

I think you're lying

Because I'm not

I'm annoying

And ugly

And gross

And I hate myself

And if I can see your faults now

Can you finally see all of mine

And if you do

are you going to leave me

And so I have just done nothing all day

You asked to see me with your friends

And I said no

Because I don't want you to see me like this

I can't put a smile on today

The person inside my head

They just want me to die

Madeleine