I followed him closely, wanting to make sure he didn't fill it up too much, but who was I kidding. And he was right. It was the holidays. After the year we've all had, what was wrong with celebrating, in whatever ways we knew how.

"It kinda feels like you're trying to get me drunk." I laughed, hopping up onto the counter as I watched him fill our glasses again. He shook his head, smirking back up at me as he took a sip from my glass before handing it to me.

"You're enough of a lightweight where I really wouldn't have to try, Jaime." He giggled.

"You're probably right." I said, feeling my cheeks burn as I took another sip. "But now that I know what I know-" He cut me off, shooting me a look as he put his fingers over my lips.

"You said you wouldn't say anything." He muttered, holding in his flustered smile.

"To them." I laughed, trying my best to hold myself up. "But I can still say things to-"

"No." He said. "We're not talking about this."

"Well, then you should probably back off on the heavy pours." He smirked back at me before topping off my glass one more time.

"So, where's Leah?" I asked, just now realizing she hadn't been in the living room with the rest of them. He shrugged, keeping his eyes down.

"She.. um.. she couldn't make it." He said simply, but I could tell there was something else. Sam wasn't exactly the best liar, but I decided not to push it.

"Oh, okay. Well, is she coming over on Christmas?" He stayed quiet, shrugging.

"Maybe. We'll see."

"What's the deciding factor?" I asked. He shrugged again.

"If I decide I want it to be a thing anymore." I took another sip, giggling to myself again.

"Look, I know you had feelings for me, but-"

"Oh my god, Jaime." He laughed. "That's not what it is. I just.. I feel like we're at different places and.. that just wouldn't be fair to her."

"She really loves you though." I muttered.

"Yeah, and her seeing how Jake was with you really didn't help either."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean.. she just wants things to get more serious and I'm not ready for that yet, and she takes that as I'm never going to be, but.. the more she pushes, I don't know. The more I fall.. out of it, I guess."

It made sense. Sam was still young. We all were. I was surprised that Jake wanted what he wanted when it felt like none of us had even started our lives yet, let alone be ready to settle down.

"And if that's what she wants, it's not fair for me to string her along and risk her missing out on that with someone else who wants that too."

"That's fair." He nodded, smiling back up at me.

"You're the only one who seems to think so. Everyone else just keeps telling me to suck it up and give her what she wants, but.. I don't know.. I just don't think it should be like that."

"It shouldn't. And you shouldn't let anyone push you." I said, playfully nudging him. He smirked back up at me, staying quiet for a moment.

"I'm sorry if I ever pushed you to be with Josh, if.. if that wasn't what you really wanted. I didn't mean it, I just-"

"It's okay. It is what I wanted, I guess I just.. needed someone else to show me that." He nodded.

"Okay good." He sighed, taking another sip and turning around to lean back against counter. I reached up, gently running my fingers through his hair to which he instantly recoiled in laughter.

"Stop, I'm ticklish." He giggled, moving away.

"Since when?"

"Since.. now." He muttered, his cheeks burning red. I rolled my eyes, moving away as I heard footsteps, my stomach dropping and my body going cold as Jake eventually made his way into the kitchen, avoiding our eyes as he went over to the bottles of alcohol, filling his glass.

"I'll.. leave you two alone." Sam eventually said, pushing himself away from the counter and making his way back down the hallway and into the living room.

"Sam, no, I.." I stopped, realizing he couldn't hear me anymore anyway. The last thing I wanted right now was to be left alone with Jake, but it was bound to happen at some point.

I guess why not now when I would be too drunk to remember it in the morning.

He reached over for me, holding me up as I began to sway.

"You should probably get down or you're gonna hurt yourself." He said softly, keeping his hand on my waist. I felt my heart beat faster, becoming more aware of his grip on me.

"I'm fine." I sighed, trying my best to keep my balance. He nodded, realizing it wasn't worth the fight.

Silence with him was excruciating. Something that was once so peaceful was now completely unbearable.

"You said that you shouldn't be in a relationship anymore." He finally said. My heart dropped.

"I'm.. I'm not." I muttered. He nodded, holding his stare on me.

"Well, it sure looks like you are." I shook my head.

"We're not."

"So then it's just a word to you, huh?"

"O-of course not. Jake, I-" He then grabbed me by the waist, effortlessly lifting me from the counter and carefully placing me back down before taking my hand and leading me back outside.

"Jake, it's freez-"

"You'll be fine." He snapped, leading me back out towards the fire pit. The flames had gone down since Sam and I were out here, leaving us in a frigid chill with the occasional wave of warmth that only pushed me closer to him.

"Jake, I don't want to do this. I just think-"

"Jaime, you are the only girl I have ever truly loved." He said. My heart dropped. I reached out for him to catch my balance, feeling myself start to sway again. He quickly grabbed onto me, holding me up and flashing me a gentle smile before it quickly faded away again.

"Jake.."

"And everything you were ever scared of me doing to you.. you've done to me, whether you realize it or not."

Now that I thought about it, I hated that he was right.

"And maybe I deserved it, for how I've treated other girls in the past, but that was before you, Jaime. That was before I knew what a love like this even felt like, and now.. no one compares to you, and I know that no one-"

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. No one will ever compare to you. I do know that. And now I'm just stuck feeling like this, and it's not fair that you just get to run off again with him like nothing ever happened. And.. look, I know I fucked up, and I'm sorry, but when I said I needed you, I meant it. I do need you. I can't handle seeing you like this with anyone else, not anymore, let alone him, not after everything we've been through. I know you love him, and I can accept that but.. I know you love me too, and that can't just go away, right? Because.. I'm terrified that for me, it never will."

I couldn't believe what he was saying.

How this was all I ever wanted from him, but like always, he was just.. too late.

"Jake, I'm so sorry.." I sighed, wrapping my arms around him, burying my head into his chest. He smelt of cinnamon and woodsy cologne and the nostalgia of blurry nights of limbs intertwined, permanently conjoined by kisses and longing touches.

I now wondered if it would ever go away for me too.

"If you knew this was how it was always going to be, I just.. maybe we never should've done this. It would've been better to have never known how this felt than to go the rest of my life, having to see you with someone else, I.. I have nothing left to give now, because.. I gave you everything."

"You'll be okay." I whispered. "You're always okay."

"I've always been okay because it never mattered." He sighed. "But now it does, so now.. I just.. I don't know."

I could feel tears coming to my eyes. I was okay. I was finally okay and then he had to go and do this again. Just when I was finally able to get far enough away, he somehow managed to sink his hooks back into me again, slowly pulling me in with empty words, no matter how full they might be to him, but could never be assured.

"This isn't fair." I said, moving away from him, reaching my hand out to catch my balance again. "You don't get to keep doing this." He stared back at me, his face dropping and his eyes now confused.

"What do you mean? Doing what?"

"You don't get to say these perfect things to me every time I've finally made up my mind. It's not fair, because.. it's not true. Every time I come crawling back to you, you do what you always do, and I wind up crying over you, heartbroken over you, again and again, and I can't do it anymore. You have no idea how much I love you, how much I will always love you, which.. makes this hard for me too. I know that I will always love you, but.. with him, I've never questioned anything, and I know I never will. I don't deserve him, but for some reason, even after everything he still wants me and loves me, and.. I need to be there for him the same way he's always been there for me. Meanwhile, you've already brought a new girl over. So.. I guess things really haven't changed that much."

I stumbled back, making my way towards the house when I felt him grab my arm, turning me around to face him again.

"Jaime, that's not fair, you-"

"Maybe it's not. But.. that's it." I yanked my arm away, trying my best to make my way back inside, down the hallway and back into the living room where I saw Josh still sitting on the couch, his head instantly perking up and flashing me a smile as he saw me in the doorway.

And in that moment I knew.

It was him; it would always be him.

I stumbled my way over and grabbed his hand, pulling him across the living room and upstairs to his bedroom where I shut and locked the door behind us.