《A Suspicious Lack of Horses》Soul: 26 - Identity
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Victoria returned to her room after finishing discussing everything with the other three, once again lost in her own thoughts. Runes seemed to get more and more complicated the more she discovered about them. At first they were just these strange, magical things that taught her how to do things and gave her the ability to cultivate. Then she learned they could Advance, and they became a puzzle she needed to figure out and piece together. And now… now they were these things that tampered with her mind! Admittedly the tampering was benign, if not beneficial, but still! She wasn't about to stop cultivating, but she didn't like the fact that foreign objects had an influence on her mind. Particularly since these objects existed within her mind and couldn't be removed.
She wasn't too concerned, as she'd seen no evidence that the Runes were actually dangerous. There were plenty of powerful Cultivators out there, and they were all their own people, doing amazing or terrible things as their heart desired. Still, the potential for harm was there, and it bothered her. It was like inviting a stranger into her home, giving him a knife, and going to sleep! Now, it did help that all her friends and family vouched for the guy and the moment she gave him the knife, he started chopping vegetables to make a nice soup for her, but still!
"Victoria? Are you okay?" Beatrice asked hesitantly as Victoria entered the room.
Victoria jumped slightly, not expecting Beatrice to be in her room. "Beatrice! What are you- I'm fine. Just- some thoughts. About cultivation. It's not important. Why are you here? Is something wrong?" She asked, giving Beatrice a concerned look.
Beatrice flushed. "No, nothing is wrong. I just- I wanted to talk to you."
Victoria cocked her head. "About what?"
"Nothing in particular. We just haven't been talking as much recently… I know you've been reconnecting with your family, I just… I miss you." Beatrice explained, her flush deepening.
Victoria felt her heart warm, before it clenched as she began to feel guilty. While she hadn't exactly been avoiding Beatrice, she hadn't been making the time she should for her either. She still wasn't sure how she wanted to move forward with Beatrice so she'd been hesitant to show too much interest. She didn't want to lead Beatrice on if she ended up having to leave her. Unfortunately it was too late, wasn't it? With everything they'd already done… Beatrice was already hooked. Victoria was already hooked! Even if she denied it, the relationship was there, and it had to be dealt with. Victoria let out a sigh. "Look, Beatrice, I- we need to talk."
Beatrice's eyes widened as her face paled, before turning sad. "This isn't going to work, is it?" She asked in a quiet voice.
"No- wait, not no no, I mean that isn't what I'm saying no." Victoria quickly explained. "I like you. I do. It's just… I'm going to be joining a sect soon, and I don't know what that means for you. Will you come with me? Would you want to come with me? What about your brother? Where would he go if you came with me? There are so many things that are going to change soon and I don't want to start something I can't finish. I- I don't want to burden you with my issues and then leave you all alone…"
Beatrice hesitated. "I don't- I know things are going to change and- and I'm not sure how to handle that yet, but… even- even if it's just for a moment, if I can make you happy… that's all I want."
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Victoria let out a pained groan. "Beatrice, I- this isn't just about being happy! If- if you get too close to me, you could be in danger! There are things happening right now, and if you get involved… you aren't strong enough to face them. I'm not strong enough! How could I ask you to risk your life just because I'm too selfish to let you go?"
"What life do I even have without you?!?" Beatrice retorted. "A life of loneliness and frustration? A life spent hiding who I am in fear of what will happen if I don't? I've lived that life, and I- I can't go back! I-I don't want to feel hopeless anymore…"
All Victoria wanted to do at that moment was pull Beatrice into her arms and hold her tight, but… something held her back. "If- if I suddenly changed into a man, would you still like me?"
Beatrice froze, her eyes widening. "Wh-what?"
"I just- what is it you like about me?" Victoria elaborated. "Is it me? Or is it my body? I just- this whole gay thing has had my mind going all over the place recently, and I've been thinking… What actually makes a person like another? Attraction isn't everything, obviously, but it does open the door. If I wasn't attracted to you, I probably wouldn't have gotten close enough to give you a chance. But after you've given someone a chance and figured out you actually like them… how important is attraction? Old people still love each other, and they're ugly as shit! So, I got to thinking, if I gave a guy a chance, a good guy who seemed like someone I'd actually like… would being gay or not actually matter? And if it doesn't, then wouldn't the important part be making sure the right parts are there so you can have kids?"
"Victoria what- what are you saying?!?" Beatrice asked, completely confused by the sudden shift.
Victoria let out a breath. "I'm saying… if I'm going to be with you, I'd want to be with you as a man. Or you as a man. Either way works for me. Not always, I suppose. Sex is sex and as long as everyone is having fun, I'm happy, but… if I'm going to actually be with someone, I want to have children with them. Which means at some point, one of us is going to need to have a dick. And if that's a deal breaker for you, I need to know now."
Beatrice blinked a few times. "Is- is that even an option?"
"It is. I'm not going to explain how though. Not yet." Victoria replied with a nod.
Beatrice stared at Victoria for a moment, before her gaze fell and her brow scrunched together as she began to seriously consider Victoria's words. One of them would have to have a dick? It seemed insane, but… Victoria was a Cultivator. They had strange abilities, and the ability to change someone's sex was probably a rather basic one. However… would she really be okay if Victoria turned into a man? Her expression twisted slightly at the idea of being with a man, shuddering slightly at the memory of the things AJ had forced her to do, a dirty feeling itching at her skin. However… her thoughts turned to the memory of Victoria rescuing her, saving her, comforting her, making her feel like she was worth something. If Victoria was the man… "If- If it's you… I think I'd be okay with it. I- I can't imagine rejecting you, no matter what form you're in." Beatrice finally answered, flushing deeply.
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Victoria smiled brightly, stepping closer and pulling Beatrice into her arms, holding her tightly. As she did, she willed the system to her. If she was going to do this, she was going to do it right. She would share everything with Beatrice, starting with the system. "I have a lot to tell you." She whispered as Beatrice's eyes widened.
"So, you're actually a man?!?" Beatrice asked incredulously after Victoria finished explaining everything.
"What makes a person a man or a woman?" Victoria shrugged. "My genitals may have changed but I am who I am. Having a vagina instead of a penis hasn't really changed that. Though… admittedly, the fact that I know I can change back at any point may skew my perspective on that." Victoria frowned, before letting out a weary sigh. "I don't know. Transgender issues were rather big back in my world, but I never quite got it. I mean, whatever makes people happy I guess, but my genitals have never had anything to do with the way I feel about myself. Maybe I'm weird though."
Beatrice blinked at her. "But… are you a man or not?"
"That's the question, isn't it?" Victoria shrugged. "I'd say that I'm a woman right now, but I don't exactly act like a girl, do I? But what is it to act like a girl? Is there a certain way girls are supposed to act? Or are we all just people being who we are, and it just so happens that most people who are this way are girls while most people who are that way are guys for some reason. So, we decide that girls have to be this way, and guys have to be that way, when really, it's just bullshit averages and outliers are just as valid as the mean."
Beatrice pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Just- do you prefer being a man or a woman!?!"
Victoria paused. "Both? Neither? Women do seem to get a rawer end of the deal, but that's more of a societal issue than a woman issue. I guess periods are kind of a pain… and I hear childbirth is no picnic either. But, I mean, someone needs to deal with all that. I wouldn't say it makes it worse to be a woman, just slightly more inconvenient." Victoria thought about it some more. "If I had to choose, I'd probably be a man, but if I had to be a woman, I wouldn't complain. Though, if you include the fact I can turn off my period, it's back to being a toss up."
Beatrice frowned. "So… What are you?"
Victoria shrugged. "I'm me. Why go any further than that? Why? Do you think if you turned into a man, you'd be fundamentally different than you are now?"
Beatrice hesitated. "Well, no, but… I'd- I'd still be a woman! Inside!"
"Okay, well, what makes you a woman?" Victoria asked.
Beatrice considered it for a moment, beginning to list traits off on her fingers. "I'm caring… I enjoy cleaning and cooking… I like taking care of children…"
Victoria shook her head. "Those aren't female traits, they're personality traits! Yes, a lot of women have those traits, but that doesn't make them intrinsically female! The only trait I could see as absolutely female is the desire to physically give birth to a child, because only females have the necessary equipment to actually do that."
Beatrice threw up her hands in frustration. "Then what makes anyone anything then!?!"
Victoria shrugged. "I have no idea. Maybe it's ineffable? Maybe it's culturally manufactured? Maybe I'm actually one of those non-binary things people talk about and I'm just not equipped to see the difference? I mean, it's obvious that men and women are different. On average men are one way, and women are another. It's verifiable. I'm just not sure how much that should actually matter to the individual."
Beatrice grimaced before letting out a frustrated sigh. "I- I'm sorry. I don't- this isn't what's bothering me, I'm just… it's- it's a lot to take in."
"I understand." Victoria nodded, echoing her sigh. "If- if you need some time…" Victoria trailed off.
Beatrice immediately latched onto her arm. "No! No, I just- can- can we just… sit together? For a moment?" She pulled Victoria towards the bed, taking a seat as she gave her a pleading look. Victoria sat next to her, wrapping her arms around her as Beatrice rested her head on her shoulder. "This- this Jessica… you loved her?" She asked after a moment.
Victoria nodded. "I did… we weren't together long, but… I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."
Beatrice was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry you lost that…" She whispered, a hint of something that almost sounded like pain creeping into her tone.
"I lost a lot of things that day… Jessica. My family. My world. And that hurt. It still hurts. However, that doesn't mean I can't find something good here." Victoria explained, placing a finger under Beatrice's chin to lift her face towards hers, looking into her eyes with a firm expression. "I won't lie and tell you you can replace Jessica. That isn't how this works. But that doesn't mean what we have can't be something amazing as well! That's between you and I. Whatever I had bef- mmmph!" Victoria cut off as Beatrice pressed her lips against hers, kissing her deeply. Victoria was stunned for a moment, before leaning into the kiss, pulling Beatrice closer.
"You talk too much." Beatrice muttered as she pulled away from the kiss.
"Maybe I need a better way to keep my tongue busy then~" Victoria teased.
Beatrice flushed. "If- I- I could think of a few-" She stammered nervously, trying to think of a way to tease Victoria back and failing miserably.
"You're adorable." Victoria snickered. Beatrice scowled, before suddenly pushing Victoria back on the bed and climbing on top of her. Actions spoke louder than words anyways.
"That was better than the button~" Victoria purred, pulling a limp, exhausted Beatrice close, snuggling into her.
"You have… too much… energy!" Beatrice groaned.
"Cultivation and points, dear. They work wonders." Victoria chuckled, letting her hands wander as Beatrice whimpered slightly.
"Please, no more!" She pleaded.
Victoria tsked. "Fine, fine. I'll let you recuperate… for now." She chuckled. "Maybe you should take up cultivation yourself. Build up your own stamina."
Beatrice's eyes widened. "That- that's an option?"
"Should be." Victoria nodded. "I haven't exactly tested it, but turning someone into an Awakened couldn't be harder than turning a bear into a human, right?" She pulled up the system, going to the cultivation page and adding an Awaken option, sending it over to Beatrice. "There, ten points to Awaken! Not bad, eh?"
Beatrice stared at the screen before her, stunned. "This- I- I can't- I- I need to think about this."
"I understand. You've had a long day. Get some rest and we'll talk in the morning." Victoria pulled her closer, petting her hair. Beatrice paused for a moment, before snuggling closer to Victoria herself. She didn't want to think of all the complicated implications of everything she'd learned today. She just wanted to enjoy being with the woman she was becoming more and more certain she loved.
The next morning, Victoria let out a soft groan as she woke up, carefully extricating herself from the messy pile that was her and Beatrice's cuddle puddle, yawning as she rolled out of the bed and stretched. It'd been a while since she'd actually slept. She blearily blinked at the wall for a moment, before activating her healing and clearing away the last vestiges of any minor aches or tiredness. She stretched again, sighing in satisfaction as she enjoyed the feeling of all her joints loosening, pausing as she noticed Beatrice watching her. "Enjoying the view?" She asked, grinning cheekily.
"Always." Beatrice replied absently, before flushing brightly as she realized what she'd just said.
Victoria snickered, before crawling back onto the bed and kissing Beatrice softly. "I have to get to work." She explained with a sigh as she pulled away. "Let me know if you need any help with the system, and I'll see you for lunch?"
Beatrice nodded, still flushing slightly. "I- I should get to work as well… I- I should probably clean all this…" She gestured to the bed, her flush deepening again.
Victoria looked around with a frown. "Yeah… sex is a lot messier than I'd thought it'd be. Not that I'd really thought it'd be clean, but… I mean, married people aren't constantly washing their sheets, are they?"
"Well… according to the other maids, the Marquis and your mother require a towel… to be kept within reach of the bed…" Beatrice replied, her flush refusing to go any deeper despite her obvious embarrassment.
Victoria blinked a few times. "I- I'm not sure I wanted to know that…" She muttered, before shaking her head. "Anyways, we don't need to worry about that." She raised a finger, sending out some of her points towards the wet spots, identifying the excretions, and destroying them for a small point cost. "There, all clean." Victoria turned back to Beatrice, smiling proudly.
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