Being in love is crazy.

I've read poems about love. So many, and none felt like this. Every poem i'd read poem spoke about love as if it was the cure, like it was the gateway to human salvation.

Maybe it was. But if I had to describe love, it would be mostly confusing, especially first love, because it felt like everything and more all at once and it was exactly what I said it felt like, mostly confusing.

It felt like every possible emotion imaginable came together and had a baby and looked at it and thought this would be perfect to depict affection between two people who didn't want to be without each other.

Love was raw. Love was scary. Love was, kind of lovely too.

But love was also fucking unbearable.

It made us do stupid things, like ignore the person we were so desperately in love with for a day just because we had no idea how to tell them we loved them but we knew we had to because its all we could think about when we looked at them.

Karsen made me a mad person.

I laid in the middle of my bed, hands on my stomach, and I stare up at the roof as I thought about it. Could I slip it in a text? Maybe over a call?

'Oh yeah bye love you!' OR 'Anyways gotta go love you.'

Because I know for a fact that in any other way, he'd stop me, and look at me in utter shock and I don't think i'm ready to see his reaction to me telling him I'm so unbelievably in love with him that it scares me and partially nauseates me.

But also, part of me wonders why he hasn't said it. Did he love me? He spoke to me like he loved me, he spoke about me like he loved me, and his actions told me he could possibly be in love with me too.

So why hasn't he said it?

My phone vibrates from the bed side table next to me, and it had vibrated a bunch of times before this but I haven't taken an interest in it till now because it was the fifth text in a row.

I sigh heavily, but before I can reach out for the phone, theres a knock on my door, and I get to my elbows, looking up to see my mother, at my door.

I blink, watching as she looks around my room, probably because she hasn't been in here in weeks and i've moved a few things in here, so it looked partially different.

I don't talk first. But thats not anything new. So she speaks instead.

"Your friend, Summer, is at the door, she said you guys have plans to go to a football game?" She says it a little bit like a question, an intrusive question. "I could've sworn you never watched football a day in your life." Her words are hidden with tones of humor but it doesn't make me chuckle.

I clear my throat before I reply, getting up from my bed, grabbing a jacket because it was a little chilly out, "Its my boyfriends game."

"Karsen plays football?"

I nod, and even though my back is to her as I put my earrings on, I know she's looking at me.

"Does he want to pursue it?" Why was she acting all concerned all of a sudden?

"Complicated." Is all I say.

She huffs from behind me, and I turn around, getting my phone from the bed side table, about to walk out the door when she stops me in the doorway and I look to her.

"We need to talk when you come home bambina."

"Non ci parliamo da settimane." I snap.

She sighs, "That is why I want to speak to you now."

"Its been long."

"Please, Adrienne, just after, we'll talk."

"Bene." I mumble before I walk out the bedroom doorway and walk downstairs, just to see that Summer was already seated inside on the couch and when she sees me she smiles.

I try to smile back but I know its just a small quirk of my lips.

"Ready to go?"

I nod.

I was definitely ready to leave this house.

===

Summer and I find a middle seat on the lower part of the bleachers, thankfully because it was early and we just sat there, drinking our cold drinks and eating our hot dogs, and I was happy Summer was eating one too because I knew she liked hot dogs.

When Summer finishes her hotdog she takes my wrapper and her own to throw in the trash and when she smiles at me I smile back.

I was still a bit on edge from well, everything. My mom, the talk we'd be having, Karsen, and the whole being in love situation as well as ignoring him right now because of it.

I secretly not so secretly hated myself for everything. But I just tried to not put the blame all on myself. I got overwhelmed from life, and shut down. Its me. Thats me. I need to work on it, but in the end, that was me.

I hear my phone ring and I get it out, because I know that ringtone.

I answer it, smiling when I hear the voice on the other end, "Are you ignoring me?"

I snort, "Of course not nona."

"Bene, I thought you forgot your nona existed, I haven't seen you in weeks ragazza." She says, stressing on the word weeks and I feel my frown take over.

"Mi dispiace, I've been busy with assignments, tutoring, and a project and also Karsen and I-"

"Who? Who's Karsen?" She interrupts me as soon as I let his name slip and as soon as I do, I bite my tongue. Well damn, I forgot to tell nona about Karsen.

I blink.

"Uhm, he's my boyfriend."

"BOYFRIEND?" She gasps the words out and I almost drop my phone because she was damned loud.

"Yes nona."

"You have a boyfriend? Since when? Is he good to you? Handsome? Italian? When can I meet him?"

"Yes, for about five or six months now, he's great to me, he's the handsomest, not Italian nona, uhm, we'll see about that but Im at his football game nona so i'll have to go now."

"Ha! You liar! You just don't want more questions."

True. "You caught me, Buona notte."

"Its not even that late missy-"

I end the call, knowing she was just gonna laugh it off and I shake my head, just to get a tap on my shoulder and I nod at Summer. "You're Italian?"

I nod again, "My mom is Italian."

"Oh cool, you speak it too." She says, taking a sip of her cold drink just before the crowd starts yelling and cheering and I realize the guys are coming out of the locker rooms.

I wait, watching all the guys, and only when I see my Karsen on field does my heart start to thrum against my chest.

And then, it begins.

===

The game is almost over when Summer tugs on my hair and I look at her, and she leans in close to my ear when she speaks.

"Why aren't you wearing Karsen's jersey missy?" Summer says it like I was doing something wrong and I look to her a little awkwardly, leaning in to reply since the crowd was loud, "We're not that public yet."

She hums, moving back just before she points to some girls in front of us and I look, leaning closer to hear them and thats when I almost accidentally drop my left over coca cola onto their heads.

"No way, i'd fuck him." And when the girl points at Karsen. I think I see red for a millisecond.

I wasnt sure if I was the jealous type. I'd never dated anyone before. So I wouldn't have had anyway of knowing.

But now I knew. I wasn't just the jealousy type. I was the pissed off type.

I feel my hands form fists on my lap, and I hear Summer vaguely tell me to just ignore them from beside me but when she hears more girls agree she seems to quiet down too.

Yeah. No.

"He's single, hasn't been with Cherry in months, so lets hope I get him in the locker room after this."

"Bet I can get him to fuck me in my car, loser doesn't drink at the party tonight, and had to drive us back."

I only faintly hear the other bits of their conversation. Because my mind is too busy processing the parts where the girls think they can get in a quick fuck with my boyfriend.

"It happens." Summer says, "Believe me, even when they know you're dating one of the guys, girls will still try, but Karsen is good babe." She says, taking my hand in hers and I force a smile, nodding at her words.

He was good.

For the rest of the game I just tell myself to focus on Karsen and not the girls in front of us, and for the most part, it works.

For the most part.

Sometime passes by again, and just after Karsen gets in a touchdown the sound of the horn sounds and people start screaming around us, standing up and cheering.

And as soon as the game finishes Summer is down the bleachers and running off to Chance, and I don't mind.

I walk down, looking at the steps to ensure I don't fall.

But when hands scoop me up when I get down, I almost scream, just to realize Karsen was holding me and I smile, wrapping my arms around him.

And without thinking, I press my hands to his face, and I kiss him.

Hard.

He kisses me back too.

Just as hard.

His hands moving down to my ass and he pulls me closer and I smile into the kiss when I feel his dimple against my fingertips.

And when I move back for air he has a stunned expression on his handsome sweaty face and I look back, checking to see that a bunch of girls around us seem to be staring in a mix of either shock and anger, or confusion and bitterness.

But Cherry down by the field with her other cheerleading friends? Oh she looked absolutely fucking livid.

And she could kiss my ass.

"You kissed me in front of everyone." He sounds breathless, and I wonder if its from his match or from the slightly inappropriate kiss we just shared.

I look back at him, a smile on my lips, "I don't like other girls thinking you're single." I tell him, letting him put me down, just for him to kiss my forehead and I smile at the feeling.

"And it feels right this way."

"I know it does." He replies back almost smugly, like he knew i'd go public with our relationship within the first month back here, but to be fair, i'd waited two weeks, so it wasn't all too bad.

I look up at him, arms around his neck, leaning in and before our lips can touch I push away every thought.

And I say it.

In all the commotion.

"I think I'm in love with you."

Theres only a moment between us before he's snatched away by the guys for getting in that winning touchdown and I move away, further onto the field, over to where Summer was and she grabs my shoulders, giggling over the kiss Karsen and I shared and I roll my eyes with a small smile.

Part of me hoping Karsen would get so drunk tonight, that he'd forget about my little proclamation.