The next morning I decided it was finally time to finish my portfolio, with submissions being due in less than a week, part of me felt like I had gotten nowhere. Despite the fact that I was writing nonstop, I didn't feel like I had anything cohesive. And if I didn't have that, I could kiss that acceptance letter goodbye.

Sometimes I felt like I was wasting my time, like I was reaching for the stars, aiming much higher than I'd ever be able to obtain, whereas I knew, it didn't matter what he submitted, Josh was getting in. So it was just a matter of whether I was going with him or not.

I still hadn't seen anything he had been working on, which was killing me. He had always showed me his projects, proud of every step he made along the way, wanting my opinions on what I thought he should include or how certain aspects made me feel. Part of me always wondered if he only asked to make me feel better, but regardless of why, I just loved feeling included in whatever he did.

I peeked over as I heard my phone vibrate.

: good morning

I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say about last night. I know he didn't mean to, but he did scare me off a little bit. It was hard to believe that he was thinking about that already. I know that it's natural to consider, but to feel so sure about it now? We all had a little too much to drink that night, and it was only natural to get ahead of yourself when you only experienced the fun parts of a baby. And I know he said it didn't mean right now, but.. in that moment, everything just felt that much more real for me.

If I woke up tomorrow, and that was something we would be going through together, would I be happy about it? Or would I have wished that it was with.. someone else? I'd be lying if I said I never considered what that would be like with Josh, over the years. Growing up and playing house in his backyard, giddy over the idea of him coming back home to me after working all day, kissing me when he walked in the door as I had dinner ready for him on the table.

And when I pictured it with him, it felt.. less scary.

: I'm just finishing up, you can come over if you want. the front door is open.

: okay. see you soon

I could already feel my heart starting to beat faster, just wanting to get to enjoy some time with him before I brought anything up. Before anything went any further with anyone, there was a lot we had to talk about.

And part of me felt like he could already sense it.

I didn't have to wait long before I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs, and then eventually a gentle knock on my door.

"Come in." I giggled, shutting my laptop and sliding it under my bed before he could even have the chance to ask any questions about what I was working on. He peeked inside, giving me a gentle smile before eventually making his way in, coffee in hand, holding it out to me.

"For me?" I asked, reaching out for it. He nodded, his smile growing as he handed it over, crawling onto my bed and instantly wrapping his arm around my stomach, pulling me in close. I couldn't help but smile, putting my coffee down on the end table before it spilt everywhere, wrapping my arms around him as he nuzzled his face into my neck, gently kissing his way down.

"Well, good morning to you." I sighed. I could tell he had just showered, his hair still damp and skin still smelling of his strong, woodsy soap. I remember the days when I would hope for just a moment close enough to him to be able to take it in. It was still just as captivating as the first time.

I felt my heart jump as he maneuvered himself over me, leaning into a gentle kiss.

"How'd you sleep?" He asked, staring back at me with those eyes that would no doubt get me into trouble if he kept them on me for too long. I pulled him back down next to me, lying my head on his chest, trying to regain some sort of control.

"Okay, I guess." I said, peeing up at him. He nodded.

"I wish you would've stayed." He said softly, gently running his fingers through my hair. I bit down on my lip, feeling my face get hot.

"I'm sorry." He shrugged, giving me a soft smile.

"It's okay, it's just.. I know you're gonna be leaving soon and I just want as much time with you as I can get."

"We don't know if I'm leaving." I muttered, suddenly more nervous about the whole thing. What if Josh was the only one who went? Then what would happen to us?

"Despite the fact that you won't show me anything.." He laughed. "I know you are."

"Well.. I hope so." I sighed. He stayed quiet, holding his stare on me as he continued combing his fingers through my hair. I could tell something was still bothering him.

"What is it?" I finally asked. He shook his head.

"It's nothing, it's just.. I'm gonna miss you." My stomach dropped.

"Jake, I.. I think we should talk about something." I said. His face dropped.

"W-what do you want to talk about?" I pushed myself up, now sitting in front of him. I didn't even know how to start. Maybe.. it should just be like.. ripping off a band-aid. It would hurt, but.. in the long run it would be easier, right?

"With everything going on, and.. just considering.. I.. I don't think I should be in a relationship." I finally said, avoiding his eyes.

"What.. what do you mean? Jaime, but we just-"

"I know, and.. I.. I wasn't thinking, and that's not fair to you."

"Jaime, you wanted me back." He muttered. I nodded, finally peeking back up at him.

"I know, and.. in the moment, I thought it was a good idea, but-"

"I tell you I want a family with you, and you.. break up with me?"

"Jake, that's not why, I just-"

"If you want to be with him then just tell me." He snapped. My heart sunk.

"I just don't think I should be with anyone right now. There's a lot going on with all of us and.. I think we all just.. need time to think about what we want."

"I don't have to think about it, Jaime. I already told you what I wanted, and.. well, I guess you didn't want to hear it." He said. I moved in closer, gently holding his face in my hand.

"Jake, that's not what this is, I just.. I need time to think. And it's not fair dragging you along through it while I do that." He held his stare on me, placing his hand over mine. I could feel my heart start to beat faster again, the same way it always did when he touched me.

And then he leaned into a gentle kiss, to which I instantly moved away, knowing what would happen if I didn't stop it.

"Jake.."

"Jaime, we.. we don't have to be.. together, if that's what you want but.. I just want to be with you." He said softly, leaning his forehead against mine. This was excruciating.

"I just.. I don't think I can do that." I muttered, knowing there was no way I could separate the two. I knew if we continued spending time together, it was bound to turn into something more, and it wasn't fair to him when I truly wasn't sure what I wanted.

And then he leaned into another kiss, pulling me back on top of him, his hands moving to my hips, guiding me into place. My heart jumped as I was instantly brought back to the night of the wedding, how it felt to finally be with him like that after dreaming about for so many years, how perfect it was..

"Jake.." I sighed, already knowing where this was going. He pulled me in closer, his kisses moving back down to my neck.

"I hate the fact that the last time we were together was in some old dressing room." He said, tangling his fingers in my hair, pulling me into another passionate kiss. Despite everything that happened, I also hated the fact that we couldn't take advantage of that hotel room when we had it, but even still.. no matter how badly I wanted to.. I couldn't, it would just be too confusing, for the both of us.

And I told Josh that nothing had happened.

So nothing could happen.

"Jake, I can't.." I said, it now taking everything in me to pull myself away from him. He stared back up at me, now looking defeated.

"I just don't understand, why.. why don't you want me anymore?" He said softly. And it broke my heart, because it was completely out of my control. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, and that's why we needed a clean break. "Fooling around," despite the fact that we weren't together anymore, would only complicate things for everyone, and why anyone would choose to be like that, I could never understand.

"I'm sorry." I finally said, the only thing I could manage. He nodded, staring back at me for a moment before gently caressing my face and pulling me into one last, long, tender kiss.

"I'm gonna go." He sighed, carefully maneuvering out from under me and climbing out of bed. "But.. if you ever need me-"

"I'll call you." I assured him. He nodded, forcing a smile and holding his stare on me as he lingered in the doorway, no doubt hoping that I would change my mind right then and there. But when he realized I wasn't going to, he finally left, shutting the door behind him.