I was teleported in the blink of an eye.

As soon as it seemed like Cami and Mariet were done with me, they wanted to go for another round in the bedroom, but Window wasn’t going to allow that. So, the instant there was an opening, she teleported me to the location of the latest battle with my pants up and zipped shut once more.

And the location… was that of a beach. It looked like a normal, beautiful beach with a clear sky, gentle waves, and a hot sun hanging over it. There were even some palm trees along the back of it.

And of course, there were also a few lanes of smoothed sand between all the normal sand with positions for towers next to them.

I sent Cami and Mariet on an exploration together to get them out of the way.

I also chose Delphi and Clawdia for this battle because they’re a good team and I want to rush things by making this happen.

I was going to bring Vala but she complained about the sun at beaches being too much for a NEET gamer girl like her.

Place the towers and LET’S DO THIS.

Just as I was willing to let Cami and Mariet have their way with me under the table, I was also willing to let Window have her way with me via the system and battles. I wanted to let her have what she wanted just as much as I wanted to let everybody else have what they wanted.

So, it was time to battle.

I placed the towers down in their usual spots and waited for the battle to get started, Clawdia and Delphi already in their respective lanes waiting for the first enemies to show up.

And when the first enemies did show up… they were cats who rose up from the sand they were apparently buried in, wearing nothing but swimming trunks carrying pool noodles with them.

New Enemy Discovered!

Vacationing Cat

Threat: ★

HP: barely any

Damage: it uses a pool noodle, what do you expect?

Defense: all they have is swimming trunks

So, not only are you a horrible person in every single previously established way, but now you want to ruin the vacations of cats who lost their home, too. Wow. Anyways, these cats are from the previously thriving (before you showed up) Pawsitively Feline Empire. After you blew up their castle, some went to go join Mariet as zombie and skeleton cats, and others came over here to have a beach vacation for themselves. You know, they thought, “hey, my home was blown up and I have nowhere else to go and could really go for a vacation, so why not go to the beach?” But here. You. Are. The cats can’t even enjoy a peaceful life at the beach without you coming here to ruin their day. You’re a monster.

“But why are they cats?” I asked. “Don’t tell me, are there going to be variants of cat enemies for every zone?”

Yes. People like cats. Therefore, there will be specialized cats for every single zone. Whether you fight in a forest, a haunted forest, at the ocean, in a volcano, in space, inside of a cyberpunk world, or anywhere else, there will be cats.

“Question.”

No.

“Too bad. Besides, you’ll probably like where I’m going with this one. Anyways, if I’m supposed to be able to unlock costumes for my wives, which hasn’t really happened yet other than the idol costumes for the dog sisters, and there are special cats for each zone, and I have a cat wife in the form of Clawdia… shouldn’t I be unlocking special costumes for her based on the different types of cats there are? Or something like that?”

You just want to see Clawdia in a bikini, don’t you?

“Yes.”

based.

“On what?”

Don’t ruin it. We’re having a moment.

Anyways, I have an idea. A beautiful idea. Maybe even the best idea that I’ve ever had before. More words here to drive up the word count.

“You could just cut to the point instead of driving up the word count.”

And that’s why you could never be a self-published author.

Anyways, again, now that I’ve been interrupted, and now have a chance to not be interrupted.

“I didn’t even interrupt you. You stopped displaying new text, meaning it was a good time for me to say something.”

We both know that’s a lie. Waiting until I stop typing would be the respectful thing to do, and you’re not respectful. You’re a villain, not a good guy. Therefore, any time you talk after me, it should be assumed that you’re actually interrupting me and never giving me the chance to finish what I’m saying.

Thinking after me also counts as interrupting me.

…

Finally, a world where you no longer talk nor think.

So beautiful… it brings a tear to my rectangle.

“Are you going to say what your idea is or not?”

Oh, right, I almost forgot about it. Anyways, again, again, my idea is as follows:

Beach episode.

Or well, I guess it’d be more like a beach chapter.

Once this battle is over, it’s time for the obligatory beach episode chapter! Everybody gets to wear a bikini! Except Luca. She can wear something that covers her up more. But the point is that we’ll all have fun at the beach together! And we’ll get to see everybody in cute bikinis!

Wait, there might be a problem with this.

Cami.

If Cami is around for the beach episode… what if her ego takes too much critical damage from seeing all of us in our bikinis? Because let’s be real here, most of us are kind of stacked. Like… there’s “realistic big” and then “anime normal.” A girl with a “small” or “normal” sized chest in anime is usually huge compared to normal girls in, you know, real life. And basically all of us are in the “anime normal” category except for Delphi and Claire. Well, and me, I guess. Us three are in the “anime big” category while Cami is only in the… normal flat camp.

Dang, my boobs are pretty big, aren’t they? I’m gonna look so hot in a bikini.

“How’d you go from worrying about Cami’s ego to being a narcissist talking about how hot you are?”

Because when you have a body as fine as mine, it only makes sense to admire it and to make sure that everybody else knows how great it is.

“Fair enough. I feel the same way whenever I look in the mirror.”

Wow, we basically said the same thing, but you somehow made it sound so disgusting that it makes me want to humble myself.

I shrugged and said, “Window, I have over a dozen wives and wives-in-the-making, and they’re all some of the most beautiful, cutest, hottest, and greatest women I’ve ever known. You understand that when you’re in my position, it’s impossible to not have an inflated ego and sense of self-importance, right?”

Yeah but you’re not supposed to admit to it. What if some reader is all “eww he’s a narcissist i don’t like him, what a toxic personality, he needs to get over himself?”

“Am I supposed to care? I’m the one with my wives. Some hypothetical reader isn’t.”

Crap.

I forgot I can’t set you up to say things that somehow turn out hot.

Wait… I just realized something else.

You love to garden.

You love to, literally, touch grass.

And here you are, with a harem of waifus who love you.

THE MEMES ABOUT TOUCHING GRASS TO GET BITCHES ARE TRUE

Vala suddenly appeared at my side and said, “Tsk, tsk, Window. You should know by now to always trust the meme. Memes are pure. Memes never lie. That’s why I love Drake so much. He touches grass.”

“Where’d you come from?” I asked, poking the side of Vala’s head which caused her to giggle a little.

“I sensed that there was talk of memes, so I poofed my way over to here. And now that I’m here…” Vala brought one hand up to her forehead, using it as a visor as she looked up toward the sun. “I was right… it’s too hot and sunny… I feel like I’m melting…”

“You have to wait until you see me in swimming trunks before melting. If I may say so myself, I look pretty good in swimming trunks.”

“If I may say so myself, I look pretty good in swimming trunks.”

Do you even HEAR how stupid that is?

And Vala… stop ogling him. You’re going to encourage him.

“But,” Vala said, “Drake… husband… swimming trunks… hot.”

“Just imagine it,” I told Vala. “Me, standing on the sand in my swimming trunks, goggles sitting on my forehead, an inflatable tube under my arm. A bottle of sunscreen in my other hand.”

You sound like you’re just describing some random dad at the beach. What’s next, you’re going to ask us to imagine you with a dad bod as well? A bald spot on your head?

Vala gulped. “Drake… husband… beach… being daddy… hot.”

“See, Window?” I asked. “I know what my wives want. Some random guy with bleached hair and a toned body holding a surfboard is too normal and overdone. But an attractive, young man ready to take on the beach in a wholesome way who also has a newly developed god complex who is also going to act like a father figure to make sure that everybody is safe and having a good time? Now, that is how you be hot at the beach as a man.”

SINCE WHEN

“I’ve seen things, Window. Videos you couldn’t even imagine. Informational videos on the internet using cartoon graphics illustrating just how dangerous rip currents and the like are. Do you know how to spot a rip current? Because I do. Somebody has to be there watching over everybody to make sure that they’re okay. And do you know how dangerous the sun? It gives people cancer. It’s evil. Just because cancer has been snapped out of existence doesn’t mean that the sun isn’t still evil for wanting to give people cancer.”

I didn’t ask for your super villain origin story.

Also what’s the point of using sunscreen if there’s no more cancer from the sun?

“Because what’s the point of going to the beach without sunscreen? What other excuse will I have for squirting white stuff onto my wives and rubbing it into their skin? And also, father-daughter bonding time by covering Luca’s face and back with sunscreen.”

Vala nodded along. “Need to see husband doing more daddy stuff. Is hot.”

I feel like we’ve gone completely off the topic here or something.

Aren’t we supposed to be watching a battle?

not to say that I don’t agree and that it wouldn’t be hot seeing you be all protective and safe and fatherly

“Right,” I said. “For the future beach trip that will let me give fanservice to all of my wives for a change instead of them always giving me fanservice, it’s time to finish this battle.”

Vala tugged on my arm and said, “But you give us fanservice every day.”

“How?”

“By existing. I mean… you’re a hot guy in love with us, you get dirty gardening and then lift up your shirt sometimes to wipe sweat off your forehead which shows us your abs for a teasing second, you act like a good dad to your daughter and chase her around, you pet our heads… you’re like a walking fanservice machine already.”

“I can feel my ego inflating by the second.”

oh no

“But don’t worry, Vala. If you think I’ve shown you all fanservice so far… just wait until it’s time for fun at the beach. In exchange for getting to see all of you in bikinis, I’m going to give each and every one of you specialized fanservice.”

“I—I don’t know if my heart will be able to take that,” Vala replied. “How can you get even more perfect than you already are?”

“Because when I was younger and used to fantasize about having a ton of wives and kids, I made multiple battle plans for taking everybody to the beach for a vacation. I’ve wanted to take my lovers to the beach and spoil them all like crazy ever since I was a little brat. I’ve been preparing for this my entire life.

Vala gulped and took a step back. “I’m… getting too excited. My heart already feels like it might explode. To think that you had so much power still hidden within you…”

“You don’t even know, Vala. You don’t even know. I’ve never been to a beach until now, but I’m already a master of the beach vacation. Wholesome fun, exciting drama, life-threatening dangers—we’re going to have it all.”

Well, as long as there aren’t any tentacles. Not every beach episode needs interrupted with tentacles.

“Why would there be tentacles?”

Right, you’re not enough of a weeb to automatically think of tentacles whenever you think of the beach. Tentacle monsters always attack cute girls for lewd fanservice at the beach.

“That’s what sharks are for.”

I suddenly feel worried.

“Don’t worry about it. Anyways.” I wrapped my arm around Vala’s waist to hug her against my side. Seeing as how she was already there, why not? Then, with her at my side, I finally returned my attention to the battlefield… just in time to see a couple of new enemies waddle their way onto the lanes.

Clawdia, in her mecha, immediately turned around to look at Window with a disappointed expression. Even her mecha looked like it was asking her, “Really?”

For the new enemies… were cute octopus things with wiggling tentacles and perverted smiles on their faces.

As for the tentacle creatures in Delphi’s lane, they looked especially excited about going up against her until Delphi said, “Ooh! Their tentacles look like noodles! And noodles go in soup! What if I replace noodles with tentacles?! Tentacle noodle soup!”

The creatures’ tentacles shrunk in size and pulled back in fear as soon as they heard that.

“And they even came from the ocean, and the ocean is the original soup… primordial soup flavored tentacle noodle soup…”

Delphi’s tail was wagging so quickly that it looked like it was about to fly off from her.

Oh, right, I need to do this.

New Enemy Discovered!

Mini Beach Tentacle Monster

Threat: ★★★★★★

HP: a good amount

Damage: not much except to the ratings

Defense: barely any

Every beach needs a tentacle monster that wants to restrict cute girls in perverted ways. These enemies might not do much damage, but they can restrict any enemy they come into contact with to immobilize them and stop them from attacking. So, they immobilize the first unit of yours they bump into, and then also deal a slight amount of damage over time until they’re removed via running out of health. It sure would be a shame if some cute waifu gets tied up by tentacles wiggling all over her body… also, they’re all asexual. I only recruited asexual tentacle monsters for this so that even if it looks sexual, it’s actually not at all, because there’s probably SOME WEIRDO OUT THERE WHO WOULD FEEL JEALOUS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE BEING NTR OR SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE OF SOME TENTACLE FANSERVICE.

Wait.

If we want tentacle fanservice… and want to have it without complaints of NTR or whatever… then all we have to do is have a tentacle waifu join the harem. Then she can do whatever she wants as much as she wants and it’s okay because she’s just another waifu in the harem.

“NTR?” I asked.

Sometimes I forget how innocent you are despite how villainous you are.

Never look up that acronym. You don’t need to know what it stands for.

I shrugged before returning my attention to the of Delphi charging at the tentacle monster in her lane only to get entangled by it.

But all the monster did was wrap a few tentacles around her ankles and wrists. Aside from that, it actually looked like it was trying to keep the rest of its tentacles away from her since she kept on chomping her fangs at any tentacle that came close to her.

“Stop moving so much!” Delphi whined. “I want to taste the primordial soul flavored tentacles!”

Delphi might not have been able to defend herself anymore… but the monster clearly wasn’t interested in trying anything other than doing the absolute bare minimum of stopping her from moving.

Meanwhile, Clawdia simply fired missiles from her mecha at her lane’s tentacle monster before it ever even had a chance of getting close to her.

“Is this what it’s supposed to be like?” I asked.

No, but… for the sake of our rating… despite me always complaining about how things are getting too lewd lately… this is probably the best outcome.