A dusting of fresh powder dusted across the king’s wig by one servant, as another clipped toenails below the barber chair. Edward shaved himself with a lubed hook intensely focused on his own reflection in the mirror. He had partied all night without a second of sleep, and now was focused on cleaning off some of the accumulated grime.

“The only downside to my brief stay in this Elf paradise is that I am not staying long enough to really get to know my meat before I play with it” Edward Longbottom mused to himself.

The human servant behind him had sprayed a mist of hair product before rubbing it into the scalp. The other finished with the clipping of the toenails, before trembling she took a tiny file to the king’s only remaining hand.

“I’ve done a lot of killing recently, so much of it I have had not a moment to love” Edward blurted out.

He hooked himself around a nearby barber pole hanging on the wall. It began to bend.

“Done with the shaving lord?” asked the barber behind.

A skinny older man, with tomato red cheeks, and ears was the one servicing him.

“Yes you may apply moisturizer to my face, '' said the King.

“I'll get it,” said the young girl running off.

Edward looked at her behind like a coyote in the dead of winter seeing a roadkill. He smiled and his eyes twinkled with devilish glee.

“You people must have no common sense leaving a little Bo Peep around a wolf like that” he said.

“Well we know by the time a man becomes emperor he has long grown bored of such easy hunting, as well as not being into the poaching of little lambs. It is very poor sport for any leader to be seen engaged in” scolded the barber.

“True, I never even considered it a second. You see a man like me only likes himself very strong creatures to bend, and break" he said licking his lips as he twirled his hook around the pole.

"The true challenge is to dominate my prey from every angle. I need at least a dozen warrior women, and one or two men fighting over me at once; all of them hooked by my love. This is how I feel alive when it comes to a healthy love life” said King.

He was fully reclined in the chair by the barber. The first order of business as emperor was going to be abolishing the marriage laws that limited his personal development of assembling the biggest, and most diverse harem of all time. And to have the best performance he would need to get right back in the saddle when it came to training night and day in the knight's way of close quarters combat, cardio training and meditation. Edward had realized that ultimate power in an individual never truly flexed its muscles until the owner was fully disciplined enough to complete long term planning of evil plots.

To become the ultimate warrior cross bred with a cult leader was his mission. His ambitions taking shape in pictures of clear reality in his mind. He had seen the destined future, of statues and hero worship that he would set in motion. For every emperor needs a legend, but it all starts with a rock solid base to build a lasting legacy of propaganda fit enough to inspire a cult of personality around. That all being stated every ruler truly needed his advisers to vent too. Unfortunately Elves detested the human practice of fooling, and thus all clowns found themselves banned. He was stuck with his lawyers who had discovered even drunk where mostly only capable of speaking to him advise in the foreign tongue of legal speak.

“Ahh I need a professional jester to advise me, Snaggy truly was the only thing that ever held my mothers stitches together most times” said King.

“That a shame lord, but with me being a master barber I have just as good an ear as any fool on both sides of my head” said the barber.

The girl had returned carrying a large tube stamped “premium olive oil”. She removed a small screwdriver and started prying away under the lid unsuccessfully. The king waved his hook coming down. She fell back, her hairs standing up.

“I can manage to open my moisturizer with my hook. Now honey get yourself lost before you lose yourself around me” he screamed smashing into the barrel with his sharpened crystal cutter.

Spit flew in her direction and she scampered off. The barber put his hands into the opened lid that was still hooked before massaging them onto the king's face.

“Anyway what I have really truly so long desired is to bag an long matured Elf spouse before I die, for with years of experience on their part comes an added challenge level of manipulation skill needed by me. Any tips?” asked the man getting rubbed on his large nose, then forehead.

“You have a very hard quest in that case” laughed the barber.

“Tell me more,” said Edward, his chair giving a protesting squeak as it slowly raised.

“Elves have a very secretive, very exclusive society for the majority, and the first rule is full Elf blood only. No matter the hoops you jump through, the door was already blocked to you at birth” said the barber. He rubbed his hands together, standing up from his stool. He headed to the door with the barrel of olive oil slung under his shoulder leaving the king alone.

Being alone with his thoughts wasn’t a foreign concept to the former prince thrown to the wolves as a child. No point trying to woo an Elf. I’ll simply cheat by finding myself a kidnapping victim that I fancy nabbing, he thought resting his face on his fist. He stared deep into his fine mirrored reflection. The hook represented his violent blemish, while his once famously boyish features had began to carry themselves with a newfound maturity. He stood putting a shirt over a previously bare chest that had similar amounts of hair to other primates. From the coats pocket he removed the royal diary noting:

“Put in order for finely sculpted hand to screw in place of my hook on royal occasions. This is for when very fine verbal hooks is the diplomatic tool that is required”.

On the next page:

"Since returning from the core I have discovered in myself that I have become utterly dissatisfied with my current relationships. I must reinvent my personality to something that my lovers will treat as a godly deity to be worshiped. I must connect on a deeper level than I ever have before in order to best harvest their soul when the time comes. My band will also have to reform to tour again this time bringing war with it to every destination we concert".

Edward strutted out the building putting on his vision crystal modified sunglasses. Across the street servants hauled trash to the curb.

"Timber!" Was yelled out from above.

The massive mattress came crashing down from the top floor.

The king climbed aboard his purring magma-cyle. The other knights where already waiting on their iron steeds. They formed formation riding out of the Elf city as the royal rock N roll loudly played to screaming.

At the same time on the other side of the planet Snaggy found himself sweating. He was stuck swatting away bloodsucking bugs in a remote region managing the kingdom's timber reserves. He exited the log cabin bunk house that he and his group of traveling companions were lodging. Rows of bunkhouses for the woodcutters dotted the clearing all around him. A hundred stoves leaving little trails of smoke leaking into the sky. Down the way a train being loaded spat out fat clouds of soot.

It was true that teleportation was fascinating technology, but its shipping volume still had nothing on the train. A rail system that ran the lands like veins supplying the countryside with needed nutrients all along the path. The fool stood still adjusting the brim of his royal jester cap. From a distance he watched a swarm of men all doing their own small tasks in order to load the train with timber. The loud blasts of the horn in the early morning had woken the monkeys early who screamed at the top of their lungs throughout the jungle pissed off.

Snaggy walked around his parked clown car that his posse had all traveled here together in. He continued walking a road beside the tracks whistling a nursery rhyme to himself. He was heading to the rear where the last six train cars had been packed with lock boxes stacked the night before. A massive load of gold currently heavily guarded by knights. The empire had tried to keep its mining here where the dwarfs once had a secret. The word had quickly spread about the operation long before it had even started.

Gold shone very sexily on everything it coated. It had also been discovered that when fused together wit electron crystal stones they provided a killer combination of alchemist attack. The soldiers guarding the load had already been equipped with gold tipped shock spears that fully functioned by themselves. Snaggy waved to the general in charge who nodded back. The Queen was never giving him any time off. He would have to pull away with the other clowns for a quick pit stop on the trek back to Upot.