《Lipstick Stains》One More Year (Bonus Chapter)
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"Alam mo, kanina pa kita kinakausap pero ayaw mo akong pansinin. Ano bang problema mo?"
Between the two of us, Leni was the calmer one. Mas bihira siyang umiyak kaysa sa'kin, clingy siya pero hindi siya gaanong showy, bihirang magselos at magalit. Ni hindi nga ata nagtampo nang seryoso sa akin 'to kahit kailan. She was always the more understanding one.
Kaya kapag naiinis na siya't malamig na 'yung boses niya, nanlalamig rin ako. Kinakabahan na baka naabot niya na 'yung breaking point niya sa sobrang palagi niyang pagiging mapagpasensya at maintindihin. Tama sila Tricia, nakakatakot magalit ang mama nila.
My back was turned on her kaya hindi ko nakikita 'yung reaksyon niya. Hindi ko sinagot 'yung tanong niya.
Kagagaling lang namin sa isang dinner banquet and syempre lowkey lang kami pero magkatabi naman. We sat together with VP Kiko and the other senators na malapit sa amin like Chel, Leila, Teddy, Sonny, and the rest. Being in the same table, in the same space, was usually good enough for us dahil at the end of the day, sabay naman kaming uuwi't magkatabing matutulog.
Ewan ko kung anong sumapi sa'kin tonight but seeing Kiko with Sharon, Chel with his wife, the others with their lovers, dancing and having fun together, exchanging sweet whispers and holding hands...I felt my chest tighten. Gusto ko rin na gano'n kami.
Leni reached for my hand and squeezed it briefly as if to ask if I'm okay. Agad rin niyang binitawan as to not raise suspicion and I wanted to tell her na 'wag muna siyang bumitaw but I knew better. She was looking out for us, for me, for our safety. Kaya in return, ngumiti lang ako. But I know na ramdam niyang hindi ako okay. Alam niyang hindi ako gano'n ngumiti at hindi ko siya gano'n i-reassure.
We were on our way home and she was driving. Tinanong niya ako, "Pangga, anong problema?"
Hindi ko siya sinagot no'n at tumingin na lang sa labas ng bintana. Kapag ganyan, sa una't pangalawang beses na hindi mo siya sasagutin, mangungulit siya.
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"Risaaaa, mahal ko, talk to me please? Sige ka, magtatampo ako sa'yo."
Sinusundot-sundot niya na 'yung braso ko pero hindi pa rin ako umiimik. She pouted and put her hand on my thigh, gripping lightly.
"Huy, Pangga. Nabingi ka na ba? Kausapin mo naman ako oh. Ito na nga oh, kiss na kita."
Sakto tumigil kami sa stoplight and she leaned in to kiss me on the lips pero umiwas ako kaya sa pisngi niya lang ako nahalikan.
Napatigil siya tapos inalis na 'yung pagkakahawak sa hita ko. Tahimik na kami for the rest of the ride. Ayan na, nag-uumpisa na siya mainis.
We arrived sa condo niya and she parked the car. Dito kami magstay tonight kasi wala sila Aika. "We're here." She said. Hindi ko siya ulit pinansin at lumabas na ng kotse.
I heard her scoff in astonishment bago ko sinara 'yung car door sa side ko. Nakatayo lang ako doon, hinihintay siyang lumabas. She stepped out and looked at me directly in the eyes, "Risa..."
Hindi ko pa rin siya pinansin at naglakad na papasok sa loob ng building. The elevator ride paakyat was silent. Nakakabingi 'yung katahimikan, hindi ako sanay.
Before she opened the door sa unit niya, tinawag niya ulit 'yung pangalan ko. More serious and more demanding. "Ana Theresia."
Binuksan ko lang 'yung pinto at pumasok na.
Ang tagal na naming nakatayo nang ganito dito. Nakatalikod lang ako, hindi pa rin sinasagot 'yung tanong niya kung ano bang problema ko. I feel her eyes burning on the back of my head.
Ano nga ba kasing problema ko? Ayoko na ba na hanggang ganito lang kami? Pagod na ba akong maghintay? Nagsasawa na ba ako sa ganito?
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na rin alam.
I expected Leni to hug me from behind, as she would always do kapag tinatalikuran ko siya sa kalagitnaan ng pag-aaway namin. Pero para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig when I heard her walk away at umakyat sa kwarto namin.
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I slumped myself on the sofa and groaned into a pillow. Tangina, tangina, tangina. Paano ako maiintindihan ni Leni kung pati sarili ko hindi ko maintindihan?
Nagstay ako sa living room siguro mga 30 minutes. I thought about my actions and narealize ko na sobrang maling-mali ako. I shouldn't have ignored her, I shouldn't have pushed her away. Kasi sino bang iba na magcocomfort at magrereassure sa aming dalawa na kami pa rin kahit anong mangyari kundi kami lang diba?
I made my way upstairs and saw Leni laying in bed. Nakatalikod siya sa akin kaya hindi ko alam kung gising ba siya or what. I got in the bed and hugged her, concealing my face on her shoulder. I inhaled the scent of her hair. Namiss kong yakapin siya buong araw.
I didn't talk. Neither did she. We stayed like that for a while until I felt her sob quietly.
"Pangga, 'wag ka na umiyak. Sorry. I'm so sorry." Pinaharap ko siya sa'kin and I saw how puffy and red her eyes were from crying. Pinunasan ko 'yung luha niya and kissed her cheeks. "Sorry." I told her over and over again.
I scooped her into my arms and laid her head on my shoulder. Umiiyak pa rin siya at ang sakit sakit kasi ngayon lang humagulgol nang ganito si Leni sa harap ko. I rocked her back and forth, whispering my apology and i love you's repeatedly. I left kisses at the top of her head with hopes to calm her down.
Eventually, she did.
"Ga, I'm sorry, hindi ko sinasadya. Nainggit ako sa kanila kanina. Gusto ko gano'n din tayo eh. Sorry hindi kita pinapansin, sana kinausap kita para okay tayong dalawa ngayon."
"Pagod ka na ba na gan'to lang tayo?"
My tears fell as the words left her lips. Natatakot na ako. Dito na ba kami matatapos?
"Hindi. Syempre hindi. Leni ano bang klaseng tanong 'yan."
"You have to tell me kapag pagod ka na," She said in between hiccups. "Sabihin mo sa akin para papawiin ko 'yung pagod mo. Okay lang naman na mapagod ka, Risa. Naiintindihan ko kasi alam ko na aabot talaga sa gano'ng point. Pero sana sabihin mo sa akin para maiparamdam ko sa'yo na sulit 'yung pagod mo."
We were crying as we laid in each other's arms. Nakapikit lang 'yung mga mata niya habang nagsasalita siya pero okay lang kasi baka humagulgol rin ako sa harap niya kapag tinignan niya 'yung mata ko.
"Sabihin mo sa akin kung pagod ka na, kung sawa ka na, kung ayaw mo na. Hindi para hayaan at panoorin kitang umalis, pero para ma-ipaalala ko sa'yo kung bakit mo ako mahal. Para ma-ipaalala ko sa'yo kung bakit pinili mong manatili sa akin kahit na alam mong mahirap at matagal na panahon pa bago tayo maging malaya sa harap ng iba."
She lifted her head off my shoulder and held my face in her hands. "Kung sa tingin mong dito tayo matatapos, nagkakamali ka. I love you, Risa. And I'll never get tired of telling and reminding you how much I love you. We've gone through so much in our lives that we've both learned to say the things we want to say and do the things we want to do. Palagi kong sasabihin at ipapaalala sa'yo na mahal kita because that's how I choose to live."
She wiped the tears off my cheeks and kissed me tenderly. I kissed her back. Binuhos ko lahat ng pagod na nararamdaman ko sa halik na 'to and in return, Leni poured her love and strength.
"Isang taon na lang. Then we can do whatever we want. One more year, Ga." She pressed our foreheads together.
"One more year."
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