《Behind the mask》What Matters
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Heather and Ruff found Astrid sobbing in the house half an hour later, curled on the couch with a pile of crumpled tissues scattered on the floor. She was a complete mess, her eyes red and puffy, nose running and face soaked with tears. And she was barely coherent.
"I've lost him...lost him..." she sobbed. The girls immediately sat at her side and hugged her, trying to calm her down. Finally, Heather was able to ask Astrid what was worrying them.
"Lost who?" she asked.
"H-Hiccup..." Astrid whimpered.
"What? Mr Needy has dumped you now he's rich and eligible and doesn't need you any more? I'll give him a piece of my mind!" Ruff snapped angrily.
"N-no..." Astrid sniffed. Heather handed her a fresh tissue. "It-it wasn't l-like that at all...it was my f-fault..." The black-haired girl frowned.
"How?" she asked. "I mean, you treat him really well, you clearly love him and you would never cheat on him..." The two girls stared at Astrid. "You didn't...?"
"NO! I would never!" Astrid said with anger. "No...it was something I did that he was blamed for..." They frowned, not understanding. "I was the one who gave away who decided to have that stupid fight at the start of the year-the one that got Dagur and Snot suspended for longer..." They stared at her.
"What-that was you?" Ruff asked in shock. Astrid nodded.
"Look-how was I to know that the Principal was a bad guy?" she protested. "I was the Class President! He asked me if I had been there-and I had been there when they were arguing. And he asked me if Hiccup had been the one to suggest the fight. I knew he had been blamed and I knew that wasn't fair so I told the truth: that Hiccup had been snarking at me when the decision was made and that Dagur and Snot were the ones who stood up and said they should fight!"
Ruff shook her head and Heather rolled her eyes.
"And when they were suspended...what then?" Heather asked her. Astrid covered her face.
"I was afraid..." she confessed. They stared at her. "Yeah, Astrid 'Fearless' Hofferson was scared to speak up, to confess she had inadvertently caused the two Footballers who so stupid they decided to have a fight in the Mall car park to get suspended! Because I knew that I would be blamed and have names shouted at me and be cold-shouldered and hated...because I actually did the right thing!"
"So you let that happen to Hiccup instead..." Ruff realised. Astrid nodded, tears welling in her eyes again.
"It was already happening before," Heather reminded her.
"Yeah-but that was cold..." Ruff argued.
"Oh, come on!" Heather snapped. "We all treated him like shit. Every one of us. Remember when he moved in with her, when he rescued her from the party? We all blanked him and made cruel comments about him...even though it was clear he was isolated and alone. And Astrid was his friend then...she was just too scared to own up to it!"
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Astrid nodded, covering her face.
"And we only stopped when she told us he was staying with her, when he saved her from that spiked punch...and even then, we were pretty mean," Heather added.
"I knew she was into him," Ruff murmured. "She kept denying it but blushing. She was hiding it...even from herself, I think."
"So I take it he was mad that you dumped him in it," Heather asked but Astrid shook her head.
"I-I think he was more mad that I'd known him properly for so long...and hadn't owned up," she said. "He called me a liar and wasn't sure he could trust me any more..."
"But you've done so much for him...and he's done so much for you..." Heather pointed out.
"But I think he feels betrayed," Astrid sniffed, wiping her eyes again and blowing her nose. "And the look on his face...he was so angry...and then cold...and finally sad...and he said his trust had been abused..."
"He was just being dramatic..." Ruff tried to reassure her.
"I don't think so," Astrid said. "He said he didn't want me to be hurt...that he would take it instead...and he did say that..." Heather and Ruff shared a look. "But then he said he didn't realise that he already had. And the look on his face..."
"Look, Ast...maybe he just needs some space to decide what to do...what's important," Heather told her, hugging her again. "He's a good guy...and he knows what he feels for you..."
"But I don't know if he does anymore!" Astrid burst out. "You didn't see his face...or hear him...oh Gods...I've lost him..."
"Astrid?" It was her mother and the girl looked up...and burst into tears again. Ingrid walked to her daughter and Astrid flung herself into her arms. Heather grabbed Ruff and hauled her to the door.
"Um...see you later, Mrs Hofferson...Astrid really needs to talk to you," Heather said as they sped out. For a long time, Ingrid just held her daughter...and finally, she sat her down on the couch, staring at the discarded tissues. Her daughter looked up with damp eyes and a desolate expression on her face.
"Tell me everything," she said.
oOo
He really wasn't sure where he should go...so he walked aimlessly through the park where he had spent so long, staring and thinking after he lost Dad...and his Mom...and then he knew where he should go. He walked through the town, his head down until he reached the railings and the unlocked gate...and he let himself in to the cemetery, walking to the headstone he had visited so many times before:
STOICK HADDOCK
BELOVED HUSBAND AND FATHER
With a sigh, he dropped to his knees and sat back on his heels, staring at the stone as he had so many times before.
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"Hey, Dad...it's me," he sighed. "Your screw-up of a son. You know how I messed up my life and utterly failed to protect Mom from Alvin? Well, it seems I've utterly failed with my girlfriend as well..." He stared at the ground for a long time. "Okay, that's not entirely true, Dad. I found out today...that she lied to me. Not a small lie...it was something huge, something that really, really hurt me when she did it. What she did separated me from my friends and condemned me to scorn, isolation and abuse...and while that was probably going to happen anyway, the knowledge she could have stepped in and made things better really, really hurts..."
He sighed and reached out, his hand stretching out to stroke the smooth polished granite with the letters incised in.
"I know...it wouldn't have made it better, in fact," he said in a weary voice. "She was right. I would still have been treated like a pariah...because I was one anyway. But it would have hurt her. We were't friends at that time, though I had just got her away from the fight without anyone seeing. And...I think she thought she was helping me...because she didn't want me to be blamed when I hadn't caused the fight. But when it all went wrong...I suppose I can understand why she got scared."
He ripped up a handful of grass and slowly shredded it, watching the pieces fly away on the breeze.
"I wish you were here," he admitted. "Odin, with all my heart, I wish you were here to talk to... because I can't talk to anyone else. I mean, Martin is Astrid's Dad and I wouldn't betray her to him: this is between us. And there is no way I can tell Gobber...no offence, but he's insane! And I have no other options. So I need to figure this out myself."
His head dropped back and he stared up at the clear blue sky. He ran his fingers through his tousled auburn hair and sighed. "I do love her, Dad," he admitted roughly. "Because she is caring and smart and beautiful and fun and...and she has been there for me throughout everything...when Alvin threw me out, when I was beaten up, when I needed a home, when I was knocked down, when Mom died...and she has literally given me the strength to go on. She even got Gobber to speak to me again. But all the time she was hiding this big secret...and she was scared to tell me."
He gave mirthless laugh. "Me? No one is scared of me. Everyone despises me. And she could've never told me...because no one would ever find out. Alvin is in jail and I wouldn't believe him...ever. She didn't have to tell me...but she did...because she wanted to be honest, to have nothing between us..." He rubbed his forehead tiredly. "And now there is...but I just think...is there anything else she didn't tell me?"
He sighed and allowed himself to drop back onto the grass, staring up into the sky.
"She was being honest because she wanted us to be together...with no baggage," he sighed. "I shouted at her and called her a liar...which she was. And she said sorry...which I think she is...so why can't I just forgive her outright..."
Because you suffered so much for that lie.
And he closed his eyes.
"I miss Mom," he whispered and his eyes shone. "I miss you. And the other person I love-apart from Toothless because that would be seriously creepy-is Astrid. I love her. I mean, she is my first girlfriend and that's not really playing the field much...but hey, if you find the perfect person first time, why throw them away in case you find something better-that's just stupid, isn't it?"
And then he threw his arm across his eyes. "But she's not perfect. She's lied about me. She's lied to me. She's got a hot temper and is quick to judge. And she cares too much about what other people think, even at the expense of those she cares for...or purports to..." He paused. "But since New Year, she's faced the taunts about going out with me. She's stood up to people for me. Her Dad got your estate back-and stopped Alvin stealing it. And she is loving and kind and I don't wanna lose her."
He groaned.
"And that's it, isn't it? The Choice. Do I forgive her...when there is so much I have that needs forgiveness in my past...or do I throw it all away?" And he sighed. "It's all about trust. I know she's sorry. I know she loves me. I know she has done so much for me. I know I love her. But can I trust her...because there's nothing there without trust..."
Slowly, he sat up and stared at the headstone once more.
"So this is it, Dad. I have to decide what I value more-her apologies, her repentance, her kindness, the fact we love each other...which means we accept each other's faults...against my concerns whether I can trust her again..."
Even though she hasn't betrayed you since then.
But how do I know?
"So Dad...what matters?"
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