Richard POV

I let out a heavy sigh as Zoe laid against my chest, "What's up Richard?" She asked, tracing circles on my abdomen.

"Just thinking about things is all," I stated.

"Talk to me," she said softly.

"I just sometimes wish I had made better choices with my life," I said.

She let out a soft laugh, "well, there's no need to look back on the past like that, as I always say, "if you dig a grave, you have to lie in it," and that's the way of the world. Everyone has their own graves they've dug, and people have to deal with them."

I certainly dug my grave as deep as I could when I let Trevor add my name to the list.

Maybe there's a way to dig myself out of the grave.

I let out a chuckle, "I guess you're right, I'm mostly just thinking about how my life would've turned out if I didn't join the Clowns. If I had really gone off to college and become a doctor or a lawyer."

"You might not have met me then," she said as she looked into my eyes.

"I feel like I still would have, somehow," I stroked her hair and pushed some behind her ear.

"Maybe," she smiled. She leaned in and gave me a soft kiss.

"Zoe."

"Yes?" She questioned.

"We should live normal lives together," I said.

"What do you mean by that?" She asked.

I can't believe I'm saying this... I just met her but I feel so close to her already.

Her aura is so alluring and inviting.

Am I mistaking extreme lust for love?

Or is this the real thing?

"Let's run away together."

———

Trevor POV

My knees were pushed to my chest as I sat in the warm bubble bath that Marti had made for me.

I don't know how to react to this.

I've never been treated so sweetly in my life before.

No one has ever really taken care of me the way he is right now.

It's so new.

I looked up at him as he smiled down at me, he cupped some bubbles and placed it on top of my head, then poked my nose.

He's so cute...

I couldn't help but chuckle at his graceful smile while he looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I'm... feeling a bit better," I said shyly as I looked down at the bubbles and the steam rising from the tub.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get you something to drink," he said and stood up.

I grabbed his hand and he looked back at me with a concerned look in his eyes. "I love you," I said as I stared into his big brown orbs.

"I love you too," he said with a relieved smile and leaned down to me, giving me a soft kiss. "I'll be right back," he whispered, then walked out of the bathroom.

I feel hypnotized by him, he's the only person who's ever understood me like this before.

He's stuck by my side even after I've hurt him.

I'll never hurt him ever again.

But I do deserve punishment of my own for what I did to him. It's only fair if I give myself punishment.

I sighed as I sat back, wiping the bubbles off my head. My eyes snapped to the razor blade on the counter.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Do it.

I looked back at the door quickly and snatched it off the counter, then held it to my wrist.

I told myself I would never do this again.

I got these tattoos just to hide these scars, among others.

I can't do this to myself again.

It only makes things worse.

I don't want to put Marti through this.

I can't do this.

I don't know how to deal with emotional pain.

Only physical.

I need to learn how to deal with emotional pain better than doing something like this.

I winced slightly as I felt the stinging on my arm. I looked down and jumped back, dropping the razor blade into the tub.

I can't believe myself.

I didn't even realize I was pushing down.

How could I space out so badly like this.

I stared at the blood gushing out of my wrist, it dripped into the tubs water. I watched the crimson flow around like smoke in the water.

I can't help but stare at it, it looks beautiful the way it's flowing in the water like that.

"Trevor?!" Marti said at the door, he dropped the tray in his hand, letting the glass shatter on the floor as he ran to me, he grabbed my wrist and looked at my face. "What are you doing?" He asked while sobbing.

"I-I didn't mean to," I said softly while staring back at the water. He grabbed my chin and made me face him, looking into my eyes with worry.

"Come on," he said and pulled me up, letting the water fall off my body as I stood up.

"I'm sorry," I said with a croaked voice.

"It's okay..." he said as he placed a towel against my arm, applying pressure to stop the bleeding.

He's so caring, so gentle, I don't deserve how kind he is to me.

I looked back at the bath and the scarlet water shined against the lights above. "Don't do this again... please," Marti begged as he looked at me.

"I-I won't," I gulped as I looked at the broken glass on the tile floor. My eyes diverted towards Marti's feet, they were bleeding and shaking as he was staring intently at my wrist. He pulled back the towel and the bleeding slowed down.

"Come here," he said and guided me over to the chair, sat me down and opened the cabinet next to us, he pulled out the first aid kit and set it down next to him as he rushed to pull out gauze.

"Give me your wrist," he said. I moved it towards him and he placed a thick piece of gauze on top of the gash, then wrapped my arm in medical tape.

I looked at his feet and noticed his soles had shards of glass sticking out of them. My eyes widened in shock. "Marti... y-your feet," I said.

He stepped on top of broken glass just to help me.

If I had just controlled myself this wouldn't have happened.

I've hurt him again.

I really don't deserve him.

"Don't worry about me right now," he said as he finished wrapping my arm.

"We need to get the glass out... you're bleeding," I said.

He sighed and sat down, letting his back fall against the counter. He looked up at me, "why did you do that?" He asked, I noticed he still had tears in his eyes as they began getting puffy.

I deserved punishment for doing all of that to you... I tormented you for so long.

I deserve to feel the same pain.

"I..." I said and sighed, "I don't know."

"Never again," he said and stared at my arm.

"Please, let me help you," I said and got on my knees in front of him, I pulled his right foot up to me and examined the shards stuck in his sole.

"I-I'll get it out later," he said.

"They have to come out now or they'll become infected," I said and looked at him.

He sighed and nodded, "fine... pull them out," he said and grabbed a towel from the counter, then stuffed it in his mouth. He nodded at me as I pulled the first piece out slowly. He let out a muffled groan as he clenched his fists.

I placed the first piece into the trash can beside us and started on the next one.

There's about three pieces of glass in this foot, his other foot has two. It's not too bad when you see how much glass was all over the bathroom tile at the moment.

"Marti, remember to breathe," I said as I pulled the third piece out.

He huffed as he pulled the towel from his mouth and panted, "g-give me a few seconds." As I raised his other foot to me.

"Tell me when you're ready," I said as I looked at his other foot.

"Okay..." he started and put the towel back in his mouth. I looked up at him as he nodded once more. I cringed as I pulled the first piece out. He groaned and gripped onto his shirt as his head rested back, pressing against the cabinet in pain.

"Just one more," I said as I pulled the last one out.

He let out another agonizing groan as I got it out and tossed it into the bin. He let the towel fall from his mouth, landing on his stomach as he huffed.

"Thank you," he sighed out.

"I have to clean them," I said as I picked up a towel and poured some peroxide on it from the kit, I gently wiped the wounds on the bottom of his feet as he winced. His foot jerked slightly, I held onto his ankle firmly as I continued cleaning all around his foot.

"Now the bandages," I said with a gulp as I placed gauze onto his foot. I cleaned the next one quickly and wrapped them both.

"Fuck," his chest was rising as he let his head rest back. "Don't step in that," he said as he pointed to the broken glass on the ground.

"I won't," I replied and looked over at the bathtub.

"I'll make you a new bath, don't worry about the glass, I'll clean this up," he said as he shakily stood up, his grip slipped from the counter and I caught him before he fell and held him close to me.

That was too close, he could've hit his head if I didn't catch him in time.

"Marti," I said softly as I rubbed his back.

"I-I'm okay," he said as he held me back.

You're not okay... I'm going to help you.

I looked down at his feet and noticed his legs were still shaking. I lifted him up bridal style, he wrapped his arms around my neck. "Hold on tight," I said as I used the arm that was under his back to pick up a towel, I pushed aside the glass out of our path and continued walking with him clinging to me.

"T-Trevor," he said as he looked down at the floor as I was pushing aside the shards.

"Don't worry Marti, you're safe," I said as I stood back up straight, dropping the towel to the side and walking out of the bathroom.

I'm going to protect you, no matter how small the problem.

I set him down on the bed softly and crawled in next to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and looked up into his eyes.

His tears had begun to fall again gently as he looked down at me, stroking my hair.

"You have to talk to me Trevor," he said suddenly.

My eyes widened, "I don't know if I can."

"You can," he said, his voice shaking as his hand begun to tremble.

I sighed as I sat up and pulled him into my lap, his back facing me as I pushed my face into his neck. "Please don't judge me when I tell you."

"I won't, I promise," he said as he rubbed my arms. I let out a heavy breath as I closed my eyes.

———

Marti POV

I don't want to force him to talk about this, but I need to know to be able to help him.

He can't keep this in and continue to hurt when I'm right here.

"My father was a drunk... who... was also addicted to cocaine. Working day labor jobs to feed himself and buy more drugs..." he paused and sniffled as his breathing became more uneasy.

His father was terrible.

Even the small amount of time I knew him... he seemed like he was a horrible father to Trevor.

Even just the message carved into Trevor's table back at the motorhome.

I felt so disgusted when I saw it.

"Kill yourself Trevor. - Papa."

I don't feel the least bit of guilt for what he did to his father.

I feel like he truly deserved it.

The only way for a horrid monster like him to go out, is to go out in the most painful way possible.

"It's okay," I whispered to him as he held my hands. "You can keep going."

"My mother... she was kind. Too kind and caring for her own good some might say. She was addicted to crystal meth... I starved for so long because they barely cooked, barely bought any food... too consumed by their drugs to notice... but she was never abusive... she didn't mean to get pregnant with me and my parents never married," he explained. "I was the bastard child that my father never wanted... he killed her the day of her birthday... January 27th."

Lilith.

He gulped as he hugged me a bit tighter, "she was cooking dinner, trying to make some rice and vegetables in a pot when my father came home from work. He was belligerently drunk when he walked in, slamming the door when he opened it. My mother was jumpy already, but for some reason that day... The look on her face was filled with more terror than I had ever seen before... it was like she knew she was going to die that day."

My heart feels like it's breaking as he's speaking.

I didn't know he was in this much pain.

I should've known.

But I didn't ask.

He's never shared this much about his childhood with me before.

Only that his father was a bad person.

He paused as he traced my fingers and hands, "He took a whiff of the air and glared at her and he stomped towards her in the kitchen, then he grabbed her by her hair and dragged her to the living room and threw her down... she was already so bruised and broken from his abuse... I don't understand what he gained from doing all of that to her, all she wanted was to love him and love me."

God... what could you gain from treating someone so horribly.

"He started beating her, I hid in the bathroom like a coward as she screamed."

You weren't a coward Trevor... you were a terrified kid.

You had a normal reaction to seeing something like that.

"When I got the courage to look out, my mothers eyes were becoming dull. I tried to beg him to stop but he wouldn't listen, she told me to run. She grabbed him and tried to keep him away from me... she was so weak but she tried to protect me as much as possible still. I didn't know where I could run off too, I never left the house much, I didn't have any friends to rely on. So I ran to the kitchen pantry... my father found me quickly and snatched me out, throwing me on top of her as she was sobbing from pain," He stopped as tears were coming out. His hands were shaking and he tightened his fists.

I covered my mouth as I tried to hold in my own sobs.

"He grabbed the bat he always kept by his chair and I tried to block her from him with my arms," he scoffed, "I was so thin back then, I don't know what I thought I could've done to help... what would've made much of a difference for me to try and protect her but I tried... I promise I tried... he just whacked me across the head... I basically launched across the room," he let out a heavy sigh, "he kept beating her as I was backed against the wall... he finally lifted her up by her throat... and..." he let out a pained cry as he held me closer and tried to regain his breath.

Oh my god...

"Her last words to me, were, "I love you Trevor," he tightened his grip around her neck and with a snap... she was gone... he just let her body fall to the floor," he finally said.

I burst out crying and turned around, hugging him tightly, he held me back and let out louder sobs as he tensed up and tried to hide his face. I moved his face to look at mine and looked between his dark blue eyes. He blinked, letting more tears fall as he stared back up at mine.

His father definitely deserved being tortured to death.

"He deserves what you did to him," I said.

He bit his lip and let his head fall back, but I brought it back up to look at me. "I love you Trevor," I said. "I will always love you."

"I love you Marti," he whispered to me.

I hugged him again as he tightened his arms around me. "I will teach you... how to love," I whispered.

"I will protect you... forever," he whispered back to me.

———

Marie POV

I laid my head on Oliver's lap as he stroked my hair, the tv playing cartoons as his breathing started to become uneasy.

I glanced up at him, "are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah just..." he trailed off and shook his head, closing his eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, sitting up.

"Trevor," he said. "I just have a bad feeling right now is all."

Oliver did mention that today was Trevor's mothers birthday... he explained a bit that this day was always difficult for him. Every year it comes around he has a severe mental breakdown and usually hurts himself.

I know Trevor is terrifying but I don't wish this on him. He seems more protective and angry than a complete psychopath. I know he has true feelings for Marti because he wouldn't risk his life like he did back at the hotel for no reason.

And the way he asked Marti if he was okay after the tattoos, even giving him after care.

He terrifies me still but I can understand where those emotions come from... I'd probably do the same if I were in his shoes.

I don't know what I would do if I lost Oliver to be honest.

"You mean because of what today is?" I asked.

"Yes," he sighed and looked at the ground.

"You don't think he'd hurt himself do you?" I asked.

I really hope he doesn't.

He doesn't deserve to hurt himself.

I know how damaging that can be in the long run.

You think doing it will help you deal with the emotional pain in your heart, but it only distracts you for a little while before the emotions come flooding back.

You have to face them head on.

"He might... but if Marti is with him he might be able to control himself... he used to be addicting to hurting himself in any way that he could," Oliver said.

"Like, cutting himself?" I scooted closer to Oliver and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"That and anything else, burning, getting more than one tattoo in a day just to feel the pain... even letting himself get into a motorcycle accident once because the other self harm wasn't enough after a while... I think that was his suicide attempt to be honest, something that would be easy to mark as an accident so no one would be upset with him taking his own life. It's easier for him to deal with physical pain than to deal with emotional pain," he closed his eyes again. "I just hope Marti can help him."

That's so painful... that type of pain.

It's not something that changes overnight.

It can take an entire lifetime to heal that pain.

Everyone is different with how they deal with pain, but I wish it was easier to deal with it than doing a last resort like suicide.

"I'm sure Marti can," I said softly.

"Trevor has changed a lot since Marti came into his life... for a long time he stopped doing cocaine and only smoked weed, barely drank any alcohol in the last couple of years... I think Trevor truly wants to change but it might terrify him because all he's known is anger," he explained. "All he's known for so long is physical pain and misery. I was so shocked to see how kind he was being towards Marti, even making sure Marti had a good time during his birthday... Trevor doesn't even celebrate his own birthday."

"When is his birthday?" I asked.

"His birthday is November 15th," he sighed. "When Marti's birthday came around, he always got him a cake, and always got him a gift. I'm not sure if Marti realizes this but Trevor really does love him and care about him. In his own way of course."

Maybe he can change... I know that doesn't fix his past sins of malice and terror that he inflicted on Castle City... but I can only pray that he heals.