《Spectrum》65
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"Thanks." I hear muttered in the room.
I open my eyes and see Nathanial sitting by the window, bouncing his knee. He always does this when he's either bored or nervous. Sometimes both simultaneously.
"Ow." I mutter to myself as I lift the arm.
"Shit. Nat, are you up?" Nathanial asks, jumping up from his seat.
"Where am I?" I ask. "Is this an IV?"
"Yes, don't pull on it. They had to put it closer to your hand. You know how hard it is to find a good vein on you." He says in a teasing voice.
I glare up at him and watch as his smile fades.
"Nat, not right now." He pleads.
"Am I in the hospital?" I ask.
"Yes." He replies.
"Are we still in Zacatecas?" I ask.
"Si." He nods. "You hit your head pretty hard on your fall."
"What's the IV for?" I ask.
"Dehydration." He replies.
"Oh." I nod. "Where's my phone?" I ask.
"Don't worry about your phone right now." He replies with a chuckle.
"I'm calling Grayson." I reply sternly.
"Don't. Worry. About. That. Right. Now." He replies slowly but with equal sternest in his own voice.
"They didn't have any sweetener." I hear from the door. I turn my head quickly and feel tears sting my eyes at his voice.
"Grayson?" I ask, hearing my voice crack.
"You're up. Oh my God." He says, setting the coffee cup down and rushing over to my side. "Are you okay? How do you feel? I've been here, you've just been asleep." He explains.
"What? When did you get here?" I ask. "Are you sure we're still in Mexico?" I ask.
"I got here late last night." He says. "My flight landed and then I came here immediately."
"How did you know about the accident?" I ask.
"I didn't." He replies.
"Why were you in Mexico?"
"To see you." He replies.
I reach for his hand and cringe and the sudden pain shooting up my arm.
"Don't. Just rest that hand, okay? They said it might hurt more if you try flexing it at all." He warns me, placing his hand on my arm gently.
"My face feels greasy." I mutter more to myself than to anyone else.
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"I tried taking your makeup off without waking you. I got most of it, but I know you'll want to wash it soon." He says, rubbing my arm with his thumb.
"You took my makeup off?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah. I know you hate the feeling of it staying on for too long." He mutters.
Grayson is here. Grayson is in Mexico right now.
"Wait, you've never even left LA before. What are you...why did you come here?" I ask, still trying to wrap my head around this.
"I came here to fix things with you." He says.
"Can you leave?" I say, turning to Nathanial.
He lets out a sigh and gives me a quick nod before leaving the room. Silence falls over us when Nathanial leaves, which begins to make me more nervous than I expected.
"I think-"
"I just wanted-" We both say in unison.
"You go first." He replies.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry. For everything. I completely over reacted. Nathanial told me what really happened that night. I owe you and everyone else an apology. Even then, my apology won't feel like enough. I really fucked up and I'm so sorry." I begin.
"Nathan told me that he told you. He told me that it's what kind of caused all of this." He said, gesturing to the hospital room.
"Yeah...I tried calling you and just slipped." I sigh. "I guess, at least. I barely remember it. It all happened so quickly."
"I'm just glad that you're okay. I didn't expect for this to happen." He replies. "Like...any of this."
"I didn't either." I sigh.
"I should have just stayed at home that night. I should have just stayed. I didn't even want to go out. I just...I don't know. It's not your fault." He replies.
"It's not yours either, though. Listen, I don't expect for you to stay with me all of the time. I want for you to go out and have your friends and do your own thing. I don't want to be that jealous girlfriend that tries controlling you. I know it doesn't look that way. I've done a pretty shitty job at proving that, though." I mutter.
"I love that about you, Natalia. I love that you get jealous." He laughs. "It shows your drive. I've seen a competitive side of you from the very beginning. I saw it in your work. Even before I was able to put a face to the name, I saw it. I saw it when you were a name on the payroll. I saw it when you presented your app to me. I saw a competitive side, but I also see the caring side that you let take over. I understand why you trusted your brother. I get it, okay? I just...I wish you would have stayed to listen. When things get hard, you tend to break down and run away." He sighs.
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"I know." I say, feeling my voice crack.
"Please don't cry." He pleads quietly. "I hate it when you cry."
"I'm sorry." I say, hiding my face in my hands.
"I just want to fix this." He explains. "I'm just....I'm afraid that if we don't find a way to figure out how to work through things, then this relationship will be impossible."
"Please don't say that." I beg.
"I don't want to end this, Nat. I want you. I love you. Don't ever think otherwise, okay? There's a reason I told you that I wanted you to live with me. I just don't want to leave things like this alone. I'm afraid that if we don't figure out how to make this work now, it'll become very toxic. I don't want you to be toxic to me, but I especially don't want to become toxic to you. So let's just...try. Let's try to make this work." He says.
"I want to make this work." I reply.
"I do too. I don't want you to become offended by this, so please just hear me out. But I was talking to Nathan and...I think you need therapy." He explains.
"Therapy? You're talking to my brother about me needing therapy? What happened to you two hating each other?" I ask.
"You're getting offended. I don't mean this in a bad way, okay? Therapy isn't a bad thing. It's just a way to sort through things that you may not be able to do otherwise. I've been going to the same therapist for 15 years. It's helped me a lot. Just think about it, please? I think you need it." He explains.
"What has Nathanial told you?" I ask, still not over the fact that Grayson and Nathanial have been talking about something like this while I was sleeping. "Were you two talking about Ryan?" I ask.
"He only mentioned that he was the reason you two had met." He replies.
"Why is he even talking about Ryan? Why are any of you talking about Ryan?" I ask, getting more irritated with every passing second.
I know Nathanial still feels guilty for ever introducing me to Ryan. However, what happened in the past needs to stay in the past. Ryan is a huge part of my past and he's something that I never want back in my life. Nathanial can't make this about him, though. It was never about him.
"Nathanial can't make this all about him. I get that he feels guilty, okay? But the fact that he's turning it into some sob story for himself isn't fair. That was my life. That relationship was a big part of my life. He can't use it as an excuse for being an asshole." I ramble.
"I don't think he was trying to make it about himself." Grayson replies.
"Why are you defending him?" I snap. Instead of replying, he lets out a sigh in defeat.
"I'm sorry." He says. "You're right. I shouldn't defend him. That's your situation and that's something you need to work out with him." He says.
"I don't want to work anything out with him. He needs to just go back to Florida. I'm done with him. I can't continue to just let him control my life. I'm done." I reply.
"Nat-"
"Listen, I'll go to therapy, okay? I'll do whatever it takes to fix our relationship. But the relationship that I have with my brother isn't something a therapist can fix. It's not even something that I want to fix. You can give your opinion and your advice dealing with our relationship, but me and Nathanial are a different story. Okay?" I reply.
"Okay." He sighs.
Fixing things with Grayson is my main concern right now. Nathanial lied to me and would have continued to if it wasn't for how upset I became at the lie. The fact that he lied to me to benefit himself is beyond me. I can't just forgive him immediately.
I don't know if I can ever forgive him.
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