《Spectrum》34
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"Hello?" I answer quietly.
"Why the hell haven't you answered my text message?" Ryan snaps into the phone.
"Because I was at work. That, and I owe you no response." I reply.
"You've been ignoring me for weeks. Fucking weeks, Natalia! What the hell am I supposed to think? You're so fucking hot and cold all of the damn time, it's exhausting. What the hell do you want from me?" He yells.
I walk away from my building and into the parking garage quickly. When I turn around, I'm thankful to see that no one is behind me. Not a single person is in sight.
"We're over, Ryan. I already told you this. We're over." I repeat.
"You've said that fifty fucking times, Natalia. You haven't meant it a single time before, so what the fuck makes this time any different?" He yells.
Grayson makes this time different. Grayson has made everything different.
"We're never going to work out, Ryan. You know this. You said this." I say as calmly as possible.
"Yeah, I've said a bunch of shit in the past. That doesn't mean this time is the final try. I'm in love with you, Nat. Come on, baby. Please. Just let me see you." He begs.
"No, Ryan." I sigh, getting into my car. "You don't love me. You only think that you love me. You don't love me."
"Yes I do! I'm in love with you!"
"You hurt me, Ryan. You don't hurt people that you love." I say.
"I only hurt you because you push me so fucking far. You yell and you scream just as badly as I do. You've hit me, too. Don't act like you're so fucking innocent in all of this because you aren't. You know that you aren't. You know I wouldn't have done any of that shit if it weren't for you pushing me to it." He snaps.
"It wasn't my fault." I say, defending myself.
"It wasn't mine either." He argues.
"What is the point of all of this, Ryan?" I sigh in defeat.
"I just miss you, Nat. I just want to see you again. I want to work things out. I want to stop fighting with you. I just want you." He answers in a softer tone then before.
I remember at one point in time, this would have worked. These words would have made me fall to my knees in pure defeat. I remember that at one point during our four year long relationship, I would have begged to hear him say these things to me.
I never wanted to hurt Ryan. Ryan was one of my friends growing up. He was a year older than me and I was completely obsessed with everything about him. He only noticed me because of the group of people I ran with. He was close with one of them and after awhile, I started seeing more and more of him. He noticed me and the rest fell into place. He was the guy that I was proud to show off. When I was a senior, I remember always bragging about my boyfriend. The man who was supposed to love and support me in everything.
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Things weren't always bad with Ryan. He used to be sweet and caring. He used to tell me how perfect I was and treat me like I was the most precious thing in the entire world. I was his entire world.
I don't really know what changed.
"Ryan, stop." I sigh.
"No, Natalia. I want you. I need you. You need me too, don't even try and tell me otherwise."
I know that what I'm about to tell him is going to piss him off. I can only hope that he doesn't try and come over after I tell him. I regret even inviting him to my apartment after being forced to move to get away from him. Of course, all he had to do was beg for me to go back to him. Despite everyone begging me to just leave him alone, I went crawling back for more. It wasn't until Grayson started seeing me that I finally cut things off. Fully cut them off, that is. Ryan isn't ever going to change.
"I'm seeing someone." I blurt out. I didn't even realize that I was squeezing my steering wheel. Hell, I didn't even realize that I was sitting in my car. All I could think about was Ryan in this moment. It's like every time we speak, I just black out.
He's silent on the other end of the line. All I can hear is his breathing.
"Who the fuck is it?" He asks slowly. The tone of his voice scares me, but I don't let my voice give that away. He can't keep scaring me into going back to him.
"It isn't any of your business." I state.
"The fuck it isn't! You were sleeping with me not even three months ago! You were mind three months ago! Then, you just decide to go off and hook up with some other fucking guy? While we were together!" He yells.
"We weren't together!" I yell back.
"Yes the fuck we were!" He screams into the phone. Tears begin to pool in my eyes, and I know he can hear it from the sniffling I'm doing. "You have no idea how much you fucking hurt me, Natalia. You have no fucking idea. You think I've hurt you? You think anything that I've done hurts more than this does? You would be fucking wrong. You are fucked up for this. There's no way I'm going to just let some guy come in and take what's always been mine."
"I'm not yours, Ryan. I'm not. I know you're having a hard time dealing with this breakup, but I'm not yours. I never will be yours again." I snap.
"Does he know about your epi-" He starts before I cut him off.
"No, he doesn't." I reply.
"And you really think he'll want you after he finds out?" He asks.
"Yes." I say with complete confidence.
"No, Natalia. He won't. Do you know how stressful it is to deal with that? He'll always be afraid to take you into public. He'll always be worried that you'll cause a scene and he'll have to just wait until it's all over. He won't want to deal with something like that, I can assure you." He replies.
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"He isn't like that. He's different." I say.
"Is he, though? If he's so different, why haven't you told him?" He asks.
"Why are you so concerned with my life and how I do things? This is none of your business!" I groan.
"I just want you to be safe, Natalia. I don't want you to get hurt by some guy you barely know. He'll judge you for this. You know this. Deep down, you know this." He says.
Is he right? Would Grayson look at me differently if he knew?
"You're lying." I say.
"I freaked out the first time you had a seizure. I had no idea what to do. After I found out that you had epilepsy, I was afraid to go anywhere with you. I was scared that you would have another seizure while we were in public. It's scary to other people, you know. That's why we never went anywhere. Not because I was embarrassed by you, but because I didn't want anyone else to see you like that. I was only trying to keep you safe." He says.
I've had epilepsy ever since I can remember. It isn't always bad, but at times the seizures can become very intense. I am able to identify the triggers now, but earlier in life it was harder to tell. The first time I had a seizure in front of Ryan, he freaked out. He was scared. That was the only time I've ever seen him scared.
"You helped cause them." I snap, remembering the time that our fights became so stressful that it would trigger a seizure.
"Fuck you, Natalia. Don't you dare put that on me." He snaps in reply. "It's not my fault that you have epilepsy. You know that."
"I'm hanging up now. Don't call me back." I say.
"If you hang up this phone, I will go to your fucking apartment right now. I know you're off of work." He threatens.
"I won't be there. I'm going out." I say.
"With who? Your new fucking boyfriend?" He laughs.
"Yes, actually."
"I'll go to the apartment and I'll wait. Don't think for a single fucking second that I won't be inside by the time you get back. I know where you keep the spare key." He reminds me.
He's right. I know if I leave now, then he'll still be there before I get there. He's closer to the apartment than I am.
"I'm not going back home. I've been staying with Grayson." I say.
"Grayson? So that's the fucking guy's name?" He asks.
Shit. Why the hell did I even say that?
"I-no." I stutter.
"It is. I can tell. Wow. Sounds like a real fucking gem." He laughs. "If I go knocking on your apartment door and you're not there, I'll wait. I'll take the fucking spare key and I'll wait." He repeats.
"My roommate will be home. If they see that it's you, they'll call the cops. He keeps a gun and he's not afraid to use it." I bluff.
"Your roommate? The fucking faggot that you moved in? There's no way that guy will fucking shoot me." He laughs.
"He'll call the cops, Ryan. Unless you want to go back to jail for breaking into my house, I wouldn't even think about it." I threaten. "Now goodbye, Ryan. I'm done speaking with you. Do not ever try contacting me again." I say as I quickly hang up the phone. I let out a shaky breath as I get a grip on what just happened.
Although I don't think Ryan will show up to my apartment after what happened last time he tried, I wouldn't put it past him. He can be a really scary guy at times, and I would hate for Dustin to have to deal with it.
I find Dustin's number and call him quickly, praying that he was home.
"Hello?" He answers in his happy tone.
"Dustin, hey." I say in a breathless whisper.
"Natalia? Are you okay?" He asks, immediately concerned.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Listen...Ryan just called me and he's freaking out. Just...if he shows up to the apartment, don't let him in. If he shows up, call the cops, okay?" I say.
"Okay. Do I need to call the cops now? Are you okay? Has he hurt you?" He asks with concern.
"No. He just called me again and I answered and he's just...he's freaking out. He has this crazy idea that we're getting back together, but we definitely aren't. Please just lock the door and move the spare key from where we hide it, okay? Like, right now." I plead.
"Okay, yeah. I'm doing that right now. Are you on your way here? Do you want me to meet you outside?" He asks.
"No, I'm not coming back today. I'm going to Grayson's." I say. "Are you alone? Is Hank there?" I ask.
"Yeah, Hank has been here all day. I'll probably have him stay the night." He says with concern still laced in his voice.
"Okay, great. Yeah, please just stay safe." I repeat.
"We'll be fine. Text me when you get to Grayson's. You be careful, okay? This has gone way too far. You need to file that restraining order." He says carefully.
I know that filing the restraining order against Ryan is a touchy subject. It's something that I've never wanted to do, no matter how many times he hit me. Even when I was in the hospital after a bad seizure during a fight, I didn't file the order.
I just can't do it.
"Look, I've got to go. I'll text you." I assure him before hanging up the phone.
Instead of crying in my car like I want to do, I put on the bravest face I can muster up and drive towards Grayson's house. Although I didn't plan on getting there until later, I can't go home now. I'll feel better when I get to Grayson's house. I'll feel safe again.
I have to.
-
Okay, this is just the start of all of this. Ryan is our newest character and we DO NOT LIKE HIM!!! Let's see how all of this plays out.
Thanks for reading!
-ac
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