I'm used to feeling down, but when I finally feel good, being down again feels ten times worse. Being back at the house after a day with Dustin and Miriam put more emphasis on how depressing my life is.

They got to go home to parents who love them.

I came home to a drug addicted aunt.

The only good thing in my home life is Faith. Faith and her bright smiles and happy noises, and her crabby moods and loud cries.

Today, Faith is moody which sucks since I'm working at the bookstore. She began teething a few days ago and now I have to hear her complain about it.

Like now.

She's currently whining because I won't let her chew on my hair which is her favorite thing to do when she's confined to my back.

I get it. Being lugged around in a carrier and getting no attention sucks, but I don't get how chewing on my hair makes it better.

As always, I eventually give up and let her stuff my hair into her mouth. For the next few hours, my hair becomes thick with baby saliva but I get the work done.

Since there wasn't much for me to do, I only worked four hours. I had finished up everything quickly so Suki sent me on my way, giving me some freshly baked bread and baby formula for Faith.

I always insisted that they didn't need to buy stuff for her. They already pay me generously for working what is supposed to be a part-time minimum wage job, but Jane and Suki don't care to hear it. Almost every week they give me something that Faith needs: diapers, formula, toys. Whatever they can.

And I'm so grateful for it.

For the most part I think life sucks but there are a few good things that make life a little better.

Since I don't have anything left to do, I head to the park with Faith, trying to stay out of the house as much as possible.

Faith is more than happy to roll around on the blanket I put down on the grass. I sit down with her, entertaining her with toys. She can't crawl yet, mostly rocking on her hands and knees which I read is a step towards crawling.

"Gosh, she's unbelievably cute." I glance up in surprise at Miriam who has Dorito on a leash. Faith squeals delightfully when she sees the shaggy haired dog and reaches her hands out.

I lift Faith up, holding her from her belly with her back towards me so her hands are free to roam the dog. Dorito gives her hand a lick which makes Faith giggle and while she grapples his fur, unable to stop smiling.

"Are you busy right now?" Miriam asks me.

I shrug, shaking my head.

"Would you want to come over? We can hang out while Faith takes a nap. She's looking a bit tired."

Miriam's right. Despite being delighted to be in Dorito's company, she's looking sleepy, her eyelids looking heavy as she blinks slowly.

I nod, making a move to start packing my things.

"Oh, I got it." Miriam turns to Dorito. "Stay."

I grab wipes from the bag Miriam packed up, wiping Faith's hands before slinging it over my shoulder. By the time we get to the house, Faith is fast asleep in my arms, her chubby body snuggled into my chest.

"So cute!" Miriam gushes, showing me the picture she took of us. I smile, feeling weird about having my picture taken. It has been a long time since any moments felt worth capturing.

"Honey, I'm home!" Miriam calls out while entering the house. She bends over and removes the leash, allowing Dorito to roam freely.

"Oh, hi, Blade." Dustin looks surprised to see me but he breaks out into a smile, gesturing for us to follow him as he walks towards the living room. "Do you need to put her down?"

I nod, looking around for a spot. My arms are tired.

"She can sleep in my room," Miriam offers. "Or maybe we can put a cushion from the sofa on the floor."

I like the sound of the second option so I hold up two fingers from under Faith's sleeping body.

Miriam immediately pulls a couple cushions onto the floor and uses the blanket from my bag to cover it. I set Faith down, gently patting her belly when she stirs so she doesn't wake up.

"You're so good with her," Miriam remarks, handing me a glass of lemonade. We go to the back porch, Dorito barreling past us to run in the backyard. There's a swing on the porch and one in the yard along with a small flower garden.

"Do you like gardening?" Miriam asks me

I shrug. Never tried it. I type into my phone.

"You should come over sometime and help me with it. Dustin hates it so it would be nice to have a gardening buddy who doesn't complain the entire time."

"I do not complain the entire time."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't," Dustin huffs, getting up and going to the kitchen.

Miriam leans towards me and faux whispers, "Yes, he does."

"I heard that!"

I giggle. You guys are ridiculous. I type into my phone.

Miriam nods her head in agreement. "So we've been told. Now, tell me about yourself, Blade." She props her sock cladded feet up on the railing, leaning back in the swing. "Basic stuff like… your favorite color, do you like dogs more than cats, if you believe in aliens, if you've talked to god. Like I said, basic stuff."

I raise my eyebrow at her. Basic stuff? I type out.

She nods. "I'll go first. My favorite color is green. But specifically forest green because it reminds me of nature and life. Dogs are better than cats and I'm being biased because Dorito is the best dog ever and I love him." At the sound of his name, Dorito runs up the steps and plops his head on Miriam's lap who scratches his head affectionately. "Aliens are real because they deserve to be and I've never talked to god but I have tried to meet them; however I'm not religious nor do I necessarily believe in them but if they are real I think they'd be gender neutral."

Miriam looks at me expectantly. "Your turn."

Funnily enough, I don't have an answer to those questions because I've never really thought about it.

"No pressure," Miriam smiles at me. Dustin comes outside with a plate full of cookies and a pitcher of milk.

"I'll grab the glasses. Be right back."

"Oo! Cookies!" Miriam grabs one, dipping it into the pitcher of milk, some crumbs floating off, and shoving the cookie into her mouth greedily.

"You couldn't wait five seconds?" Dustin asks with exasperation. "Who raised you?" He set the glasses down on the table and poured us milk.

"The wolves."

"Makes sense."

"Dustin, tell us about yourself?" Miriam demands, cookie crumbs on her face as she reaches for her third cookie already.

"Erhm… what?"

"We're having a sharing circle to get to know each other better. I already went, now it's your turn."

He gives his sister a quizzical look but obliges. "Uh… I'm Dustin… I like skate-boarding and my favorite color is pink."

"Boooring! Try again."

Dustin rolls his eyes, finishing his cookie before continuing. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you like cats or dogs better, have you talked to god and do you believe in aliens?"

"Dogs all the way. I don't believe in god and aliens are probably real."

"If you don't believe in god, what do you believe in?"

Dustin shrugs. "I don't know."

Miriam regards her brother for a moment, seeming unsatisfied with his answer before turning to me. "Your turn. For real this time."

"You don't have to answer," Dustin cuts in.

I had typed my answer out while the two of them were bickering so I showed Miriam the screen.

"I don't really have a favorite color but if I had to choose I'd say brown because it's the color of my mom and sister's eyes. But maybe green since my dad had that eye color. I think dogs are cool- namely Dorito- but I've never been around cats so I can't say which one is better. I used to talk to god but he never answered and I don't know if I believe in aliens," Miriam reads out my answer from the screen.

"What did you used to talk to god about?" Miriam asks to which I shrug.

My family was religious so I used to pray a lot. I prayed every single day hoping it would satisfy god enough to bring my sister home safely. Obviously that never happened. After my parents were murdered I stopped believing because it made me realize he wasn't real after all.

Of course, I don't tell them that and just settle for a vague answer.

The usual. Is what gets typed into the screen.

"So descriptive," Miriam teases.

Dustin has an unreadable look on his face as he looks at me like if he's trying to figure out a complex puzzle.

I give him a smile, feeling shy under his gaze. I'm not used to getting attention that isn't the bad kind so having people actually be interested in what I have to say feels weird.

I type into my phone again, showing Miriam the screen who reads the question out loud.

"What do you mean by 'I tried to me meet god.'?" Miriam leans back into the swing, her eyes distant. Dustin has a sad look on his face and I soon realize I brought up a painful memory.

Sorry, I type into my phone. I shouldn't have asked.

Before I can show them the screen, Miriam answers. "I tried to kill myself." She laughs dryly. "These girls at my old school used to bully me."

"Mir," Dustin starts, his eyes shiny.

"It's okay," Miriam says and she looks like she means it. "It's cliche as fuck… I know… not a legitimate enough reason to try ending your life and almost destroying your family but…" she trails off. "They were such bitches."

I don't know what comes over me, but I reach over and hug her, pulling away after about two seconds. I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile. I know all too well what it's like being pushed to your wit's end.

"No worries," she grins, her usual playful self back. "I'm in therapy and all that shit. Working on me for me or whatever." She gets up, clasping her hands together. "More cookies?"

I nod, moving to pick up the plate from the small table.

Faith wakes up just as we start getting more cookies from the cabinet and Miriam wastes no time in picking her up. Dustin seems a little hesitant around the baby but I don't blame him. They can be intimidating.

I hang out for another hour, feeling more and more a part of a friend group than ever before.

And maybe… maybe that's okay.

*****