This happens every year around the death date of my mom. It's been 3 years. And you might think that it would have hurt the most after 1 year but nope. This is year is by far the worst I have ever felt.

I woke up after a night full of tears. I told Javon about how I wouldn't be hanging out this weekend because of my mom. He was really helpful and made sure I knew that if I needed him then he was there. I got out of bed and tried my hardest to get myself in the shower so that I could feel fresh. After my shower, I got changed into some comfortable clothes for the day and met my dad downstairs.

I was greeted by him with a tight hug and a plate full of delicious food for breakfast. Normally I'd scoff down all my food but today, I didn't have the energy to eat. I politely declined his food and said I'd eat it when I felt better. This was a really hard day for the both of us so we always spend it together. No matter whether it's a school/work day, we try to spend it together. Every year we visit my moms grave and give her cards and flowers. It's a way of saying "I miss you mom," or thanking her for what she did for us.

After my dad finished breakfast, we grabbed the flowers we had bought for my mom and the cards we wrote together last night. We bought my mom a beautiful bouquet of Lilly's as it was her favourite flower. We did this every year.

We started the long drive to the cemetery which was about 2 hours away. The cemetery was is Chattanooga, Tennessee which is where my mom grew up. It was beautiful there and we had thought about moving there instead of where we live now, but I'm glad we chose Atlanta.

During the car trip, we blasted my moms old favourite songs (which were mostly mumma mia) and sang along to them together.

We had finally arrived at the cemetery. Now this was the hardest part of today. We walked up to my mothers grave with tears in our eyes. My dad put his arm around my shoulder as we stood in front of her grave. We gave her the flowers and read her the cards that we wrote. I felt comfortable here. Yeah it made me depressed, but this is the only place that I felt fully connected to my mom.

After sitting around the grave, talking to mom and updating her on life, we said our goodbyes and went to the cafe she used to always go to for a coffee. I got an iced latte and my dad got a regular latte. We sat and talked about all our memories with mom before we started the journey home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dad an I had watched mumma mia together and he'd now gone to sleep. I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep and at this point I had just excepted it. My phone was switched off and I was flicking through the old photo album with pictures of my mom and our family, letting my tears take over.

After hours of sitting alone in my room, I decided I'd had enough. I needed to let go of some of the pain I had and I knew there was only way I could do that. I'd been clean for a year or so now but I couldn't hold on much longer. I didn't want to end my life. I just wanted to feel the pain.

I quietly got up and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I picked up a fresh blade from the cupboard. I know I'm going to regret this later, but I don't have a choice.

I had that sense of relief that I had been searching for, yet it only lasted a few seconds but I had learnt to control myself, and thats what I did. I quietly left the bathroom and went back to my room. My dad has something important for work tomorrow so I was going to be home alone. I'd tired myself out from all the crying so I luckily fell asleep not long after going back to my room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been trying to text and snap y/n since yesterday and it was now 1pm on a Sunday. I've sent her over 35 texts and she hasn't even opened them which is odd because she normally replies straight away. I decided to call her but it just went straight to voicemail. I was fucking worried now and I knew that her dad wouldn't be home today, so I decided that I would go over to her house to see how she was.

I was siting in my bed listening to music when I heard a knock at the front door. SHIT! I quickly picked up the hoodie that was sitting on the floor and threw it over myself to cover up the cuts on my arm. I ran downstairs and opened the door to see Javon.

"Oh hi," I smiled, letting him in the door. "Hey ma, how are you?" he asked, walking through the door and following me to my room. "Yeah I'm alright," I replied. "Why haven't you been replying to my messages?" "Sorry my phone was on do not disturb." "Oh ok all good I was just worried," he replied. He started to look at me. He could see the tiredness in my eyes and the mess that was around my room. It was painfully obvious what had happened.

He sat next to me on the bed and bought my head into his shoulder. I pulled up my sleeve and placed my arm on his chest. I felt his head move down to look at my arm which had the sleeve pulled up as far as it could go. fuck.

"Ma?" "Yeah," I answered quietly. "Can I see your arm?" he asked in a kind way which wasn't invading. He was really worried. He knows about me being clean and he knows what I've been through before and he's always helped me when I've felt down which is why he picked this up so quickly. "Uh why?" I replied, trying to act dumb. "Please," he asked. What the fuck do I do.

I understand that Javon is my boyfriend and my bestfriend and he cares, but I don't want him to see me like this or know about this so I just tried to change the subject. "Um do you wanna watch a movie?" I asked, standing up off the bed. "Y/n don't change the subject. Can I just see," he asked again. "Javon I'm fine," I said, sitting back next to him on the bed with the tv remote in my hand.

I felt him gently hold my arm that was covered by my hoodie. I knew that at this point he was going to find out anyways so I let him. He waited for a minute to make sure I wasn't resisting and I felt safe. He softly rolled up my sleeve to reveal the fresh cuts. Tears filled my eyes but I tried my hardest to stop them from falling. I couldn't even look at him. "Y/n," he said sadly, staring at the fresh cuts.

"I'm really sorry," I sobbed. "It's not your fault ma, what's going on?" he asked. I could tell that he was upset, but it wasn't with me. He seemed more upset in himself. He let go on my wrist and pulled the hoodie back over my arm, pulled me into a soft hug. "I'm tired," I responded, in tears.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Javon spent the day comforting me. We watched movies, ate snacks and talked. He decided to stay the night so that we could be together and so that I could feel better, and I did. I felt safe.