tw; blood, fighting, trauma, mentions of mental illnesses.

Alone. I'm so alone, I cry into my tear-stained pillow that has comforted me for this past hour. There's a pain so deep in my back, I don't know what it is but I'm guessing it's just a cramp, I silently scream in my pillow. The only thing that has made me feel less alone than I do right now. I imagine this pillow as a human, trying so hard not to think about how it's just a pillow.

Just a fabric stuffed with cotton, nothing less, nothing more.

My thoughts drain me seeping into my pillow and back into my head causing a thunderstorm to erupt my thoughts, my head aches scream at me, once, twice and more.

Please, please, please stay, the only thing distracting me from all of this, all of this pain, that is just too much for me, please stay, please y/n just tell it how much you want it to stay because without it you feel so alone and empty, so empty.

As if you were alone this whole time, maybe everyone that was around you was just your imagination, imagining something, someone to be there with you because you can't face the fact that you are and will always be alone.

Surely you can do things and hang out with people to feel less alone, but yet you still feel as if everyone but you are blurred out. Like you are trapped in a glass jar, watching the whole world move on without you, you are an outcast. A background character, nothing more than flesh, blood and bones. No one understands you, how could they? You don't even understand yourself.

Maybe it's a trick, or a game that your head is playing, the sound of screaming students echo from the field across my open window causes me to jump.

I linger in the thought that someone, somebody, was there, was truly there, I listen to the sound of yelling and cheering, and focus on the buzzing sound from the bees swarming just next to my window, right next to Pansy's window, is she in her room right now? I wonder, should I go check? I wonder, what if she isn't there, but what if she is, shut up! shut up! shut up! Please shut up! Go check, go check, go check.

Looking into the dark empty, quiet room, I see no one, nobody, not even the slightest sensation of someone's energy radiating in the air, it's just nothing,

Nothing.

Nothing.

I need someone.

Anyone.

My head screams at me and I scream back, sliding down to the ground as I shake on the floor, my sobs for it to end get louder and louder, I hear someone scream loudly. Is that me?

I touch my lips to make sure it wasn't. But it was. I'm screaming as blood comes out of my back; the pain is so excruciating it's almost disturbing. A very long, exhausted cry slips out of my mouth and lingers in the dry air; why am I crying? what's happening to me.

Someone is holding me and rocking me back and forth like a crying baby, grabbing my face and calling my name. I can't see who it is, but I know I can trust them; I go closer to them in attempt for them to never let go, safe. I feel so safe.

I hide my face in whom-Evers chest this is, the pain slowly fades away and becomes numb

"y/n!" I hear a voice say, I blink and blink, "y/n!" they say again, I try saying something, but I can't. It's almost as if my mouth is sealed shut

"Y/n!" my ears pop, and I can suddenly see so much better. Mattheo is holding me, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes wide. I gasp, cold, cold, something cold on my back. The pain returns, "y/n!" he says again, "m-mattheo" I cry, "yes" he answers immediately, "it hurts, it hurts" I wince, "w-what? what hurts? what happened?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, the pain is too much, too much for me to handle. I don't know what it is, but it's killing me.

Hours ago;

I've been hit, hit hard, I apparate to the common room and quickly rush to my dorm, ignoring the stares and questions, longing for my bed and to sleep, I don't care about the wound on my back, all I need is to sleep.

"M-My back." I whisper, he lifts me, sitting on the floor as he puts me on his lap. He turns me around, unzipping my sweater. Frozen. He's frozen, his jaw is on the floor and his eyes are wide.

"Mattheo- it- it hurts, so much." I cry, hiccupping "y/n, who-who did this." his voice is on fire, his eyes filled with anger "did what? did what? Mattheo, please-" I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering. But that doesn't matter, I need this to be healed and I don't have time to explain anything to him. "Please make it stop-" I cry "please it hurts so-" my voice breaks. He brings me into a tight hug "it's okay" he shushes, pulling out his wand, mumbling a healing spell.

An agonizing, deafening scream comes out of my mouth, I cry loudly as I feel the wounds twist around.

He shuts his eyes tightly, almost as if he can't bear to see it nor hear it, almost as if he's in a bad dream and he wants more than anything to wake up. A quiet sob escapes my lips, I hang on it for a while. Then it stops. The pain.

I don't know what happened, all I know was that I was in the common room, reading the daily prophet then out of nowhere someone screams, y/n screams. I ran up the stairs to find Pansy's door open, and y/n on the ground in her room. She was shaking and crying, mumbling inaudible things.

And now she's passed out. In my arms. I'm holding her tightly, afraid to let go, afraid to lose her again.

Those marks on her back weren't just any regular scars. They were an attempted killing spell that was nearly close to killing her. Avada-Kavada. Whoever did this did not want her to live. I don't know how she got these, maybe she got it while doing that stupid mission for Dumbledore. After she had won the egg from the Dragon, she and Dumbledore had left for a couple of hours to do God knows what. And when she returned (which I only caught a glimpse of her since she apparated into the common room then quickly into her dorm,) She was not herself.

She was paler, weaker, her hair was thinner and eye bags were darker and deeper, whatever she did for Dumbledore had exhausted her, physically and mentally.

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I place her gently on my bed and watch as she sleeps, afraid that she was going to wake up and begin screaming.

I watch over her for more than 10 minutes, my eyes darting to the clock hanged on my wall, that she got me, (to remind me that I had to get to class when the hour hit 10 since I was always late.) and back to her from time to time.

I search her, my eyes drinking in the sight of her; memorizing every curve of her body, every bone, every scratch, mole, scar, her hair, her whole appearance; I don't want to ever forget the way she looks.

I store the memory of this sight, right in front of me, in my brain, locked away in a very safe place.

A place I will return to from time to time.

God, she's so beautiful that it's almost in-suffocating. I can't handle her beauty, nor do I deserve her beauty.

But it isn't her beauty that attracts me.

It's her heart. Her personality. Her mind.

She fascinates me. The way she thinks, her perspective on things, it's almost bizarre how she sees everything (even ratchet, unpleasant things,) to be beautiful.

She could see a rock and find so much more meaning to it, so much more life to it.

Something catches my eye.

Red.

My hands. They were covered with blood.

Her blood.

I felt sick. Having her blood on me made me feel some type of way. It made me feel sick. Sick to know that she was bleeding.

That she was hurting.

I need to shower.

My eyes peak open, the light making my head pound. I sit up and look around, this is definitely not my dorm. My heart stops as I realize whose dorm this exactly belongs to.

Mattheo walks out of the shower in a towel, looking at me with an expression I can't read. I lift my palms to my eyes rubbing them, "what happened?" I mumble, he walks over to his closet grabbing a Slytherin knitted sweatshirt and putting it on, then a pair of boxers, I look away when I hear a towel drop "you started screaming, saying your back was in pain or something, I healed it then you passed out, I brought you here in case it would happen again"

He sits on a chair, just in front of me. "Happen again?" I question, "it's common for a spell that strong to reappear, especially if it was casted on you more than once" he says, the last bit through gritted teeth. I look down, swallowing away yesterday's event and pushing it far down where no one will ever be able to find it.

After I had gotten the egg, our house celebrated but it didn't last very long since Dumbledore needed me. We had a order of phoenix meeting. They told me how it was my responsibility to protect Harry, and said I needed to prepare for Voldemort since he will of course, be trying to read my mind.

Snape had been instructed by Dumbledore to use legilimency on me, and I was instructed to try to keep him out of my mind. To help me prepare for when Voldemort will try the same. He had did it several times, piercing through my memories like a sharp blade, not stopping once, it had exhausted me.

We had been attacked by death eaters, not in Sirius Black's residence, of course. But in the ministry of magic, we left Sirius's residence in attempt to take my prophecy before the death eaters got their hands on it, (Sirius had said; "Your prophecy and Harry's are important, they will need it to-" Molly had stopped him before he had finished, I didn't take any chances. So I decided to help them get mine and Harry's prophecy.)

And un-luckily for us they were there for that exact same reason too, on the exact same day.

They didn't recognize me of course. I had a mask on.

But they tried to Avada-Kadava me several times, and failed badly, the spell still somewhat got to me, but not enough to kill me. I had a barrier up, protecting me from it, but just because I was protected from it killing me, it didn't protect me from the pain it would cause.

Sirius had screamed at me to get out when he saw me injured badly; limping and bleeding. I told him I was fine and continued to fight them off but he begged and begged, so I did. I apparated back to my dorm and left them to fight them off (I still don't know what happened to them, if they won or lost.) and fell asleep immediately, not knowing what I would wake up to in the next few hours.

"Oh" I say dumbly, he stands up, walking towards the bed, he wipes his face, exhaustion so obvious in his eyes. "What happened, y/n?" please do not ask me that. I can't keep this from him. It's too hard, oh God I can't stay here, not with him. I can't.

"I- can't tell you" I whisper, he rubs his eyes as he sighs deeply "y/n-" I cut him off; "Mattheo, I can't tell you, I can't risk it," he scoffs "risk what!" he yells. I shut my eyes tightly "I can't risk wanting to c-come back to you. Don't you understand? I do want to be with you! God-" I look at the ceiling laughing like a maniac.

"I want to be with you more than anything, Mattheo. You're all I think about and want- and it's- it's killing me. But I can't do that to you. I can't risk your life for my greedy desires, because there is a 50, 50 percent chance of him finding out I betrayed him and when he does, the first thing he will do is destroy you," Mattheo looks at me, really looks at me. His eyes raw with emotion and jaw unhinged.

"Why can't you see? I ca-can't live knowing I'm the reason you're dead. I can't live in a world you are not in" I cry, shutting my eyes tightly. He pulls me into his chest, his arms wrapped around my whole body, holding me so tight.

"You- y/n. Are the bane of my existence, you are the reason I wake up every day, because I get to see your beautiful face, because I get to kiss you and feel you, I can't live without you- without holding you and seeing you. I- I need you."

I gasp, my tears stain his shirt "but how can we be together if it will only kill you?" I cry silently, "that's what my father wants, y/n. He wants us together-" I pull away from the hug "what?" he wipes my tears, "he wants me to be with you, my father and yours, they are planning something for us, I don't know what it is, I thought I could do this, I thought I wouldn't fall in love with you but- but I was so wrong, because I'm so in love with you- y/n. I love you more than anything in the world and it's killing me" I close my eyes as he gently kisses my forehead.

I want to be mad at him for this. For not telling me. But I can't, and I don't know why.

"We can make this work, make it seem like their plan isn't and is working." I shake my head "but-" he cuts me off "we can make it seem like we don't truly love each other or care for each other" I furrow my eyebrows "but won't this upset them?"

He nods, laughs a bit. "It will but they'll realize there's nothing they can do to get us to like each other but it wouldn't matter to them because we would stay together." I look down, thinking "what if he tries to read your mind while you are at a vulnerable state" he shakes his head "then I won't be in a vulnerable state, love. I already know how to protect my mind from his and I know damn well you know how too as well"

My breath shakes, maybe this can work. Maybe I can be with him. The thought of his dead body flashes in my head, I swallow hard, clenching my jaw "I'm scared" I say absolutely out of nowhere

His eyebrows furrow, he leans in towards me, grabbing my face and pressing his forehead on mine. "I'm so scared, Mattheo." I repeat, "I am too," he says quietly. I look into his eyes, searching them for an answer, an answer I am too afraid to ask

"Yes, y/n?" I look down "do-do you still sometimes think about giving your father a chance" I breathe out slowly and look at him cautiously. He clenches his jaw, looks at the ground "no."

"I'd rather kill him then give him a chance." He says, I swallow. "What?" My eyes run along the floor, he grabs my hands "what?" He says more gently, cautiously.

"I'm going to kill him."

(Sorry if I made an spelling mistakes or if my grammar is lacking,)

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