My focus was set on the journal that sat in my lap, as I jotted down different things I knew or even understood about everything Savitar had said to me about my soon to be death. I was tired of being kidnapped, I was tired of almost dying. The fear was getting to me.

Loud music blasted through the headphones that I had on, my legs crossed on the bed. I didn't realize that Barry had walked right in and was talking to me until he pulled the headphones off my head, the music I was once listening to now sounding through the headphones, Barry holding them.

"Why are you still writing about Savitar?" Barry asked me, staring at the journal that sat in my lap, clearly getting upset already.

"Barry-" I sigh, shaking my head, not in the mood to start another argument between the two of us that wouldn't be resolved.

"You do realize I'm not going to let you die, right? I'm not going to lose you." Barry made it crystal clear, setting my headphones down somewhere, grabbing my journal.

"Barry-" I stood up, feeling anger spark up inside of me, "I didn't sign up for any of this."

"What do you mean by that?" He looks up at me, a mixture of anger and bewilderment flashing in his eyes.

I snatch the journal, shoving it in the nightstand, turning and looking at him, "I didn't sign up for any of this when I became a meta. None of whatever goes on makes sense to me anymore. You trying to change Iris' future- I don't understand how it's changing mine. I don't understand my powers- I don't understand why Reign is still after me- or how any of this works in general. I'm tired of getting kidnapped. I'm tired of almost dying. It's either I die, or I don't. You're in a position where if you change Iris' future, you screw up mine, and if you don't do anything, you screw up hers."

"I'm not going to lose either of you." Barry told me, "I will find a way to save both of you. Okay? I mean, once we get Wally out of the Speed Force, he's already fast enough to save Iris from Savitar. I have time to put my focus on your future as well. You need to trust me on this."

"But- I don't." I let out a small shout, "I know I'm being difficult about this- I know you're sick of trying to convince me and the arguments we're having but- Barry. I know how much time I have left. It's almost as if I have come to grips with me dying sooner than I had anticipated. But, I'm also stressing out about how I am going to die."

"I'm not letting you die!" Barry shouts at me, small tears visible in his eyes, flashes of hurt and concern in his eyes, before lowering his tone, looking down, repeating, "I'm not letting you die."

I run a hand through my hair, "I have honestly turned into you. I'm so consumed by the future that I'm not even paying attention to what I have anymore."

Barry stays silent, looking down.

I was sick of these arguments. But they kept happening, and I knew with everything on my mind, I was probably initiating it all. I had so much on my plate that it had placed so much pressure on me, to the point where I was lashing out on Barry.

I wish he hadn't had thrown out the Modafinil. Although, I knew I was overusing it, it was my only loop hole to make more time to piece everything together. Everything about Reign, my powers, and the future was driving me insane.

I knew I was pushing it by saying that I didn't sign up for any of this. But then again, I knew I wouldn't have it any other way. Without being a part of Team Flash, I don't know what I'd be doing with my life. Team Flash gives me a reason to keep going. It gives me the feeling of life, it keeps me alive.

The mixed feeling of fear and excitement always got the best of me whenever we were trying to defeat a new meta or villain, and saying that I never signed up for any of this because I was fearing my own death was crossing a line. I regretted every word that came out of my mouth with every argument we had about the subject, but I couldn't take any of it back.

"I'll see you at Star Labs." I barely mutter, grabbing my jacket, throwing it on, before jogging down the steps and walking right out the door.

-

Barry had went into the speed force to save Wally. While he was gone, everyone in the team including myself worked on a plan to lead us to Savitar. Which did happen. The piece of the Savitar's suit that we had from when he had broken Barry's shoulder, had traced us back to where Savitar was.

Jesse had gone after the piece, and eventually almost had gotten killed, but due to HR's quick thinking, Jesse had found a weak spot, sending Savitar to vanish. Eventually, we had all gotten the scare that we had lost Barry, due to losing all connection to his suit that we had.

Cisco had vibed to Earth Three, where he found Jay Garrick. He had asked Jay Garrick to go right in after Barry, due to the lost connection, which was what Jay did. Now, we were all stood in the breach room, tears shining in my eyes as I stood to the far side of everyone, my hand clutching onto my necklace, the mixture of fear and hope sparking up inside of me.

Although, Barry and I were having our differences right now, that didn't change the fact that I cared for him too much to let him come back without me standing here. I was afraid that if we had lost him, the last memory he would have of me was our argument.

The sound of electricity crackling sounded the entire room as Cisco opened a breach to the Speed Force, the electric storm swirling at where many breaches previously where, being the Speed Force. Cisco had his goggles on, him putting all his focus onto this, his hand holding onto his elbow, his other hand balled into a fist and reaching out, creating what we saw in front of us.

"What's happening?" Julian asked from beside him, "Do you think you can reel them in?"

"I don't know." Cisco replied loudly, "I've never felt this much harmonic feedback, it feels like the Speed Force is about to-"

Cisco's sentence was cut off when Wally and Barry fell onto the ground in the center, the breach shutting close, Joe yelling out his son's name, running over to him, "Wally!"

I stay silent, helping Barry up, holding onto his hand, my head tilting down, my gaze fixed on my shoes, hiding the tears in my eyes, as Joe helped his son up, hugging Wally.

"Hold on a second." Cisco brought out attention, "Three speedsters go in, only two come out."

"Jay," Barry trails off with a sigh, "He stayed back to save Wally."

"Come on, Wally." Caitlin says, "Let's get you checked out."

Wally nods, following Caitlin out the room, Joe walking over to Barry, causing me to let go of his hand, Joe engulfing Barry in a hug, "I thought I lost both my boys. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Barry hugged back then pulled away, giving him a nod, everyone leaving the room, leaving Barry and I alone. Barry slowly turns back towards me, his gaze landing on me, as I felt his stare fixed on me.

I looked up the tears that were once in my eyes, slipping the minute I laid eyes on him, my fist raising up and punching him right in the shoulder, but lightly, not having the energy to go any harder, "I thought I lost you. I thought-"

"I'm right here." Barry says quietly, pulling me into his chest, a sob leaving my lips, every piece of me breaking even further once he held me, my body language and reaction admitting that even with our differences, I was worried. "I love you."

"I love you." I barely whisper.

We eventually pulled apart and go to the cortex, Barry changing out of his suit, standing with the most of us. Cisco is the first to speak after Barry explained everything that happened in the Speed Force, "The Speed Force. And it just appeared to you in the form of Eddie Thawne?"

"And Ronnie?" Caitlin continued.

"And Snart." Barry nodded, "All to teach me another lesson."

"Which was what?" Julian asked for all of us.

"Saving Iris is my responsibility, and mine alone." Barry shoves his hands in his pockets, "That's why the Speed Force didn't let me take Wally's place, why Jay sacrificed himself to do it. So I could finish this."

"Jay." HR spoke, tipping his hat, "Hero among heroes."

"We can't just leave him in there." I quietly spoke, my voice raspy as ever.

"We won't." Barry reassures me, "I'll beat Savitar. We'll get him out."

"Good, 'cause it seems to me the Speed Force is a little bit of a crazy place. Just ask Wallace." HR exclaimed.

"Yeah, what Wally saw, it's going to haunt him for a while. So until he can get past it and is really ready to go back out there, Kid Flash is gonna need to take a break for a while."

-

The sound of the front door shutting catches my attention when I realize that Barry had gotten home. I stay focused on the apples I was cutting, staying silent. Barry walks further into the loft and into the living room, his stare now on me.

His hands are shoved in his pockets as he leans back against the arm of the couch, "I've never seen you eat apples. Are we out of pineapple?"

"Yes." I mumble unwittingly, keeping the expression I had on my face at bay, my gaze remaining on the fruit I was cutting. My hand slips, the knife nearing my thumb, cutting a small cut into my thumb.

I blink long and hard, sighing deeply through my nose, setting down the knife, pursing my lips, mumbling, "I can never do anything right."

Before I could do anything, Barry ran around the kitchen, cutting the rest of the apples for me, placing the knife away, washing my thumb and placing a bandage on it, returning back to where he stood.

I swallow, leaving the plate of apples, looking up at him, knowing the look on his face, "Something you need to talk to me about?"

He barely nods, sitting down somewhere, patting the seat next to him, signaling for me to sit down with him. I place the plate of apples in the fridge, walking over, sitting next to him, placing my hands on my lap, looking at him, a blank expression on him face.

"You've been very stressed out lately about what Savitar told you. And I completely understand that," Barry starts, "Because that's how I was when I found out about Iris dying. And that stress had doubled since I found out about your death. But the only reason I've gotten upset every single time I have seen you working on something that's related to it, is because I don't want you to feel the amount of stress and pain I feel while trying to figure out how to change what happens."

"Where are you going with this?" I ask, staring at him.

"I just, you know. I've lived with a lot of death, tragedy in my life, and knowing that your death could happen at any time-" Barry went on, "It's impossible for the two of us not to be consumed by that."

"I know." I whisper, feeling guilt rush through me for the times I had argued with him.

"I love you." Barry says, grabbing my hand, "And I alone have to save you in the future, and I'm going to, but not by changing it. By embracing it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I question, staring at him.

Barry breaks eye contact, his eyes glossing over, as if what he was going to say next was hard for him to say, "It means- I think we need some space for a while."

My eyes dart to the ring I wore, tears stinging in my eyes as he continued to speak, "I'm sorry- I- don't- I don't know how we can move forward like this."

I stay silent for a while, my other hand reaching, slipping off the ring I wore on my finger, placing it in his free hand, "Okay. I- I'll find a place to say for the time being-"

Barry shook his head, squeezing my hand comfortingly, "No- you stay here. I'll stay with Cisco."

I sniffle, barely nodding, slipping my hand away from his, walking upstairs into the bedroom. I move into the bed, pulling the comforter on top of me, letting the tears free fall.