Risa

"Oo na, okay naiinggit na nga ako. Masama ba? Masama bang hilingin na maging gano'n rin tayo?"

"My god, Risa. Wala akong sinabing masama 'yun. Ang akin lang, bakit kailangan mong iparamdam sa akin na ang laki laki ng pagkukulang ko sa'yo?"

"Ha? Kailan ko sinabi 'yun? Ang sinabi ko lang, sana lahat gano'n kasi tayo bawal."

"Gano'n na din 'yun. And you said it in front of our friends. Alam mo ba kung anong pakiramdam no'n sa akin? Ni hindi nga alam nila Kiko paano magrereact."

"Wala akong pakielam sa reaksyon nila. Sinabi ko lang na sana lahat gano'n, ano bang mali do'n?"

"Sana lahat? Edi maghanap ka ng pwedeng magbigay no'n sa'yo."

It started out as a simple argument. Dinner with tropa and their significant others, tapos nainggit na naman ako, and I made a comment. A comment that Leni took unkindly and now she's pissed.

So am I.

Our chests heaved, faces red from trying to hold back our anger pero ang hirap hirap pigilan. Lalo na't sabay kaming galit. It was obvious, pauwi pa lang kami, na hindi namin kayang hindi sabayan ang galit ng isa't isa.

We stood in the living room of Leni's condo, not too far from each other, but it felt like we were miles apart. I see her shift on her other foot, her head bowed down as she looked at the floor.

"Hindi ko kayang ibigay 'yung gusto mo." She spoke sounding resolved. Tinignan niya ako at nagpipigil na siya ng luha niya.

"I can't give you what you want, Risa. At least not yet. Pero mukhang hindi mo na kayang maghintay kaya sabihin mo na lang if I need to let you go so you can find someone who can give you what I can't."

She left me there and went inside the room. Trembling slightly, I sat down the couch, burying my face in my hands, and silently letting out the tears.

Don't get me wrong, I love Leni. I truly do, more than anything. But I want that normalcy. I want to go out on dates with her, hold her hand, and do things that normal couples do without fearing the consequences. Ayoko nang magtago. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Pinatulog ako ng pag-iyak ko and when I woke up the next morning, nakita ko si Leni, seated at the dinner table, staring blankly ahead.

Umupo na ako and she looked over to me no'ng narinig niyang gumalaw ako. "Hi," she said but didn't budge from her seat.

Approaching her, tinignan kong maigi 'yung mukha niya. Kitang-kita 'yung pagod at maga ng mata niya. Mukhang hindi siya nakatulog.

Nakaupo lang kami nang gano'n. Nagtititigan. A question hung in the air, hindi na kailangang sabihin pa kasi alam naman namin kung ano. What do we do?

"Mahal mo pa ba ako?" She asked hesitantly as if she was afraid to offend me. Magagalit sana ako but I remembered the last time we fought. The time I got mad instead of reassuring her.

Kaya I kept calm and answered her question, "Oo naman."

"Pero hindi sapat, diba? Or at least not enough for you to stay with me."

I shook my head kasi tama siya. Hindi sapat.

Umiwas na siya ng tingin sa'kin and stared out the window. In any other time, kikiligin pa ako kasi I remembered the coffee date we had before noong hindi pa kami and how I stole a picture of her looking at the window. I even made that my wallpaper kasi ang ganda niya talaga doon.

But now, my chest just constricted at the thought of it.

"What do I do, Risa?"

"Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo nyan?"

"Kasi right now, it's up to you. Gusto mo bang ayusin ko at suyuin kita, o dapat bang tapusin ko na 'to at hayaan kang umalis?"

"Hihiwalayan mo ako?"

"If that means giving you the freedom that you want, then yes. Doon ka magiging masaya."

"Hindi mo ba naisip na gugustuhin ko lang 'yung freedom na 'yun if I can have it with you?"

"Naisip. I thought about that all night. Anong silbi ng freedom na 'yun kung hindi lang din naman ikaw 'yung kasama ko. But obviously, we're torturing ourselves."

"Leni..."

"Uulitin ko lang 'yung sinabi ko kagabi sa'yo. I can't give you what you want. Hindi pa ngayon at hindi ko alam kung kailan. It seems like you've run out of patience to wait kaya..."

I looked at her expectantly. "Kaya ano?"

"Kaya sabihin mo kung ayaw mo na para alam ko kung anong gagawin ko."

"Even if it hurts you?"

"Even if it hurts me."

I didn't respond to that. Instead, I watched her forcefully wipe the tears that fell down her cheeks drop by drop.

"I need space, Leni. Hayaan mo muna akong mag-isip."

"Okay."

Hindi niya na ako pinigilan when I walked out her door to go home. "Text ka na lang kapag may kailangan ka." She said.

I walked away.

---------------

Leni

It's been a week since I talked to her — nights of not being able to get sleep and days of trying to occupy my mind with work so as not to drive myself insane.

How did we get to this? Saan kami nagkamali?

Nagalit ako kay Risa kagabi hindi lang dahil sa insensitive 'yung comment niya. But because in the past few days, she's been saying that often. Sana lahat nagdedate, sana lahat holding hands, sana lahat ganyan, sana lahat gan'to.

And I only have so much of me left to give.

So when she shook her head to agree na hindi sapat 'yung pagmamahal lang, I knew I'd leave the decision to her. Ayoko na umintindi at umunawa. Pagod na pagod na ako.

If by the time she contacts me and wants me to fix things, I would. In a heartbeat. But if she doesn't, wala na akong magagawa. Masakit pero ayun na 'yun eh, she made up her mind already.

I did nothing but wait sa mga nagdaang araw.

Nasa meeting kami ngayon and I saw her, beautiful as ever. Walang bakas ng lungkot o pagod na kitang-kita sa kanya. Good for her, I guess.

Someone approached her and initiated a conversation. I watched them talk from afar. Inasahan kong makaramdam ng selos pero hindi ayun 'yung naramdaman ko. Rather it was pain and bitterness kasi naisip ko, if we were to break up, she could go back to dating.

Pero ako? I think I'll always be stuck on her.

"For someone who has a girlfriend na advocate ng healthy buhay, hindi healthy 'yang ginagawa mo," Kiko said, sitting down beside me.

"Hindi healthy ang tignan siya?"

"She's your girlfriend already pero kung tignan mo siya ngayon, parang takot na takot kang lapitan siya."

"Hindi kami okay..." I whispered sadly.

"Edi ayusin niyo."

"Not that easy. Hindi kami okay at hindi ko alam kung magiging okay pa kami."

"What do you mean?"

"Pagod na siya sa akin. Sa amin. Iniiwan ko na sa kanya ang desisyon kung itutuloy pa namin 'to. Masyado na naming nasasaktan ang isa't isa."

"Sumugal ka ba para palayain rin pala siya sa dulo?"

"Hindi. Pero akala ko kasi hindi na siya maghahanap ng higit pa sa kaya kong ibigay."

---------------

Risa

I felt eyes burning on the side of my head habang kausap ko 'yung lalaking lumapit. When I looked over, I saw Leni and Kiko talking.

Ang ganda ng girlfriend ko. Sobrang ganda. But her eyes reflected the sadness she felt and it pained me to know na ako 'yung dahilan. Sobrang expressive ng mga mata niya to the point that even when she doesn't say anything, tingin pa lang niya alam mo na kung ano'ng gusto niyang sabihin.

"Diba, Senator Hontiveros?" The guy asked. Hindi ako nakikinig, hindi ko alam kung anong tinutukoy niya kaya tumango na lang ako and smiled politely.

"Sorry, excuse me lang ha. I need to go to the restroom."

I stood up and left him there. Nagpunta ako sa restroom and a part of me hoped na I could see Leni again paglabas. Siguro hindi muna talk to her pero just see her.

Just so I could feel the same way I felt for her in the beginning.

Unfortunately, wala na siya. I went out at tumabi ako kay Kiko sa table nila. "Saan na si Leni?"

"Umuwi na kasi she's not feeling well. Wala pa daw siyang tulog." He replied.

"Oh..."

"Risa."

"Ano 'yun?"

"Fix this. Leni's just waiting for a sign from you."

"I know. She told me."

"Then you should've known better than to not wear the bracelet she gave you. Alam mo kung anong symbolism nyan sa relationship niyo just like your pink leatherband."

Shit. Oo nga pala, hindi ko suot 'yung bracelet. Pinatong ko na 'yun sa kitchen counter pero nawala sa isip ko.

"I don't know if that was an honest mistake on your part pero Leni didn't take it well kaya siya nagpauwi. Hindi ko 'to sinasabi para kaawaan mo siya. Trust me, that's the last thing she needs. Sinasabi ko 'to kasi you've both gone through so much at konting tiis na lang tapos na 'yung paghihintay mo. Kung akala mo ikaw lang ang nahihirapan, you're wrong kasi Leni's suffering inside and she can't show it. Not when everybody's watching her palagi."

I nodded, that dreadful feeling of guilt overtaking my body again. He's right and I knew it. Kaya ako nagalit no'ng gabing 'yun dahil maliban sa naiinggit ako, it seemed like Leni didn't mind na nakatago kami at all. Parang wala lang sa kanya na hindi kami out in public, like kuntento na siya do'n.

Turns out I was wrong. How stupid of you, Risa.

---------------

Leni

She wasn't wearing it. What could that possibly mean?

Siguro honest mistake lang like nakalimutan or nasa bag niya. But what if hindi? What if it's a sign — the sign that I've been waiting for para magawa ko na 'yung gusto niyang gawin ko.

All the other what ifs echoed in my head at wala na akong ibang kayang gawin kundi iiyak lahat ng 'to.

I caught sight of the matching mickey mouse head band we bought in Hong Kong. A reminder of Risa and I's better days were the only signs I needed.

Tumayo ako and changed my clothes. Gabi na pero wala naman akong pakielam. I had to see her.

I was about to get in my car when someone pulled up to my driveway. "Risa?"

"Buti nandito ka. We need to talk." She hurriedly rolled down her window and asked me to get in the car so I did.

We were driving to who knows where, the music from the radio being the only sound in the car.

"Anong pag-uusapan natin?" I asked.

"Wait lang. Wala pa tayo sa pupuntahan natin."

"Gabi na. Saan pa tayo pupunta?"

"Gabi na. Saan ka dapat pupunta kanina?" She returned.

"Sa'yo sana."

That caught her off guard. Her breath hitched and her knuckles turned white as she gripped the steering wheel.

We stopped at the cafe we went to for the coffee date we had quite a long time ago. Hindi kami bumaba at pumasok. We stayed in the car a few feet away from the store.

"Remember the day we went here and I told you that I was in love with you on the car ride home?" She asked.

"Oo."

"You said you thought you were dreaming. But I really did say it. Hindi ka makapaniwala at sabi mo pa magdadabog ka kung hindi totoo 'yun."

"Yes, I remember. Anong point mo?"

"This place may forever be special to me because of that pero I think a part of me had always been in love with you the same way that you felt like your soul has always been yearning to be with mine."

"I've always been in love with you. The realization came in later than it was supposed to but I had always been in love with you," She continued.

"Risa..."

"Kaya kung sa tingin mo I'd choose to live a free life without you, nagkakamali ka. Freedom to live normally would mean nothing to me if I can't enjoy that freedom with you. So here I am, telling you my decision and I hope, god I hope, that you agree with it."

I looked at her eyes brimming with tears. Hinawakan niya 'yung kamay ko and she started crying freely. Kinakabahan na ako. I'm not ready for this to end.

"Wag mo akong iwan...please, 'wag mo akong iiwan." She continued in between her cries.

Pumatak na 'yung luha ko, both in relief and in happiness. Lahat ng galit at sama ng loob na meron ako, nawala sa isang iglap because the love of my life is here, asking me to not stop fighting for us.

"I know I asked for too much. Alam ko that I was impatient and immature. Naging selfish ako kasi akala ko ako lang 'yung nakakaramdam no'n pero hindi ko naisip na ikaw rin pala. I'm sorry, Leni. I'm so so sorry."

I removed my seat belt to move closer to her and she buried her face in my neck, fisting my shirt as she sobbed heavily.

"Risa, mahal, stop crying please."

I stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. Hindi ko na alam paano siya patitigilin sa pag-iyak so I started to sing our song instead.

I know I've said before na lasing lang ang pwedeng makarinig sa kanta ko pero this is Risa. Risa had always been my only exception.

Her sobs slowed down as she heard me sing. Kung napapangitan man siya sa boses ko, hindi niya sinabi. Buti naman at wala kasi feel na feel ko na.

Risa looked up from my neck to look at me. I wiped her cheeks and smiled at her, kissing her nose. Napapikit siya and I continued to sing.

She pressed her forehead on the side of my face and intertwined our hands. Sinabayan niya ako sa pagkanta.

"You should sing to me more often, my Pangga." She said, smiling sweetly now.

"Ayoko, nakakahiya. This is a once in a lifetime thing."

She laughed and put her arms around my waist. I inhaled her scent. Namiss ko 'to sobra sobra.

"Tinakot mo ako," sabi ko sa kanya. "Sobrang tinakot mo ako. Akala ko pipiliin mong umalis."

She didn't respond and just tightened her embrace. So I went on, "I thought I was going to lose you. Hindi ko na ata ulit makakayang panoorin kang lumabas nang pinto ulit nang gano'n."

"I'm sorry, my Pangga." She said.

"Don't be. Naiintindihan ko naman and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. I'm glad na pinili mo pa din ako."

"Palagi kitang pipiliin. Mahihirapan lang ako minsan pero at the end of the day, wala akong ibang gustong gawin kundi ang umuwi sa'yo.

You're my home, Leni."

I smiled and tilted her chin up so I can kiss her. How did we go from "You feel like home, Leni" five years ago, to this? My heart almost burst with happiness.

Risa will forever be home to me. Always my home.

She once said that she believed nothing happens by accident. I used to not believe that because of all the things that happened in the past, Jesse and all. But she made me believe na baka oo nga. Baka the universe, this specific one that we're living in, has conspired to bring the both of us together.

And right here, right now, with me holding my familiar bliss in my arms, I'm glad it conspired to keep us together. Masaya akong universe na mismo ang tumutulong sa aming ipaglaban 'yung pagmamahal na gusto namin. And in the next years, I hope it continues to do so.

"Sing for me again?" She pleads.

For Risa, I'd do anything. So I did.