"Ga?"

"Hmm?"

"That guy earlier...you dated him, diba?"

"Yeah, but that was a really long time ago."

"Okay."

Leni and I were laying in bed, limbs tangled as we cuddled under the thick comforter. Kanina pa tahimik si Leni. Not that she's very talkative in the first place. Pero ngayon, her silence sounds so much louder.

"What's on your mind, Ga?"

"You love me. Bakit?"

"Ano ba namang klaseng tanong 'yan?" I asked, slightly taken aback. Is that why she's quiet?

"Don't get me wrong ha. I love that you love me pero bakit ako? When you could have any man, or any person, that you'd want?"

"Leni..."

"Gwapo siya saka mabait. He obviously adores you, at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, he wants to give your relationship another try."

I listened and tried to understand where she was coming from pero naiinis na ako. Saan ba 'to nanggagaling?

"Ano bang pinupunto mo dito?"

"Bakit ako? Knowing na we won't be able go out for dates, hold hands, kiss in public, or do things na pwedeng gawin ng mga normal na couple. Knowing that we'll be under so much pressure. Bakit pinili mo pa rin ako?"

"Leni, ano bang sinasabi mo? Can you hear yourself? You know that I love you and you asked me to choose to live this life with you. Ano bang gusto mong marinig sa'kin?" I sat up, anger bubbling inside me.

The solemn look on her face hardened pagkatapos kong mag-react and her body tensed. "Wala. It's not important. 'Wag mo na lang pansinin 'yung sinabi ko."

She untangled her body from mine and turned her back. Sinubukan kong hawakan 'yung braso niya but she shrugged my hand away. "Ga, talk to me please?" I pleaded, my anger subsiding a little.

"Kanina pa kita kinakausap. Instead of answering me, you got mad. Kung galit lang rin naman ang isasagot mo sa mga sinasabi ko, hindi na lang kita kakausapin."

Shit. Ngayon tuluyan nang nawala 'yung galit ko. I reached for her again, "Ga..."

"Sa kabilang kwarto na lang ako matutulog. Good night." She stood up and left me dumbfounded and regretful of my actions.

Susundan ko sana siya but I knew better. So I remained lying in bed and cursing myself until I fell asleep.

------------

My brain didn't let me rest though. Paputol-putol 'yung tulog ko kasi hindi ako mapakali. Why did I have to react that way kung pwede ko naman siyang intindihin?

Hindi nagkulang si Leni sa pag-iintindi sa'kin. Ever. Tuwing magagalit ako, kahit galit na rin siya, pinipili pa rin niyang hindi sabayan 'yung nararamdaman ko and remain the way that she always was — calm and collected.

When I'm overthinking, jealous, and immature, andyan siya. Patiently listening, understanding, and comforting.

The sun was up now. Ang tagal ko na palang nakatulala lang dito. Can I still fix this?

I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. I see her back turned on me and she was cooking. Niyakap ko siya mula sa likod pero inalis niya kaagad 'yung braso ko.

"Pangga..." I began.

"Good morning. Kain na tayo." She replied not even daring to look at me.

Umupo na siya sa hapagkainan at hinintay akong maupo. She wasn't talking habang kumakain kami unlike usual na nagkekwentuhan kami about our agendas for the day. Pero mas okay naman 'yun sa'kin kaysa small talk.

Leni and small talk don't usually go together kasi mas ramdam mong pinipilit lang niya 'yung sarili niyang makipag-usap.

"Leni, usap na tayo please?"

"Anong pag-uusapan? Wala namang dapat pag-usapan." She shrugged.

"You're mad at me."

"Wala na 'yun."

"Hindi tayo okay."

"Sino nagsabi? Okay naman tayo ha. Sabay pa nga tayong kumain."

My vision blurred as tears started forming. Ayoko nang ganito. Mas gusto kong kausapin niya ako, kahit galit siya okay lang. Basta pag-usapan namin kaysa ganito na nagpapanggap siyang okay lang siya.

"Hindi ka okay."

"Okay lang ako. Naiintindihan ko naman."

Here we go again. Naiintindihan. Palagi na lang akong naiintindihan ni Leni pero ako, kailan ko ba siya inintindi?

"Wag ka na umiyak. Okay lang ako, okay lang tayo. 'Wag mo na isipin 'yun." She said, leaving the dining area and going back inside the room to take a bath. Inasahan kong pupunasan niya 'yung luhang tumulo mula sa mga mata ko pero hindi.

I fucked up.

I sobbed in my arms and waited until she was done showering para kausapin siya ulit.

It's been almost an hour pero hindi pa rin siya lumalabas kaya pumasok na ako sa kwarto. I saw her newly dressed in simple shirt and shorts, hair still wet from her bath, seated on the edge of our bed. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy.

She looked up at me and spoke in a small voice. "I asked you that question hindi dahil gusto kong magalit ka sa'kin. I asked you because I was jealous. Kaya niyang ibigay sa'yo 'yung hindi ko kayang ibigay: the freedom to express your love in public. Gusto ko ring maibigay 'yun sa'yo."

I sat beside her and attempted to wipe the tears on her cheeks pero umiwas siya and wiped it forcefully on her own. Leni wasn't a person who easily cried. Seeing her like this, knowing that I'm the reason, broke my heart into little pieces.

"I needed reassurance. Na kahit hindi ko kayang mabigay 'yun sa'yo sa ngayon, mahal mo pa rin ako at pinipili mo pa rin ako..."

"Pangga, stop crying please..."

"Pero instead of reassuring me, nagalit ka sa'kin."

Ang sakit na ng dibdib ko. Ang bigat bigat.

"Sinabi ko sayo na ipaparamdam ko sa'yong sulit 'yung pagod mo kapag nararamdaman mo na pero pa'no ako? Paano kapag ako na 'yung pagod na gawin 'yun? Magagalit ka na lang ba sa'kin?"

I really did fuck up.

I shook my head to tell her no and clutched her hands in between mine. I shifted my position so I sat facing her while she faced the wall.

"Natatakot akong dumating 'yung araw na pagod ka na tapos pagod na rin ako. Paano na tayo? Kahit naman handa akong suyuin ka, kung ayaw mo na akong intindihin, anong gagawin natin?"

Pinatong ko 'yung noo ko sa braso niya and I felt her body shook with her cries. Is this it? The end of us?

------------

I begged her to come back to her side of the bed tonight but she refused. So here I am again, staring at the ceiling trying to not punish myself further than I already did.

Hindi ko na kaya.

I forced myself out of bed and rummaged the drawer for the spare key to the other bedroom. For sure, ni-lock ni Leni 'yun.

Pumasok na ako and saw her in bed doing the same thing I was doing mere moments ago. "Risa." She sat up, surprised to see me.

"Stop this." I firmly stated.

"What?"

"I said stop this. Stop doubting yourself, but most especially stop doubting my love for you. I'm sorry for snapping at you. Pasensya ka na kung nagalit ako. I won't make excuses so I'm asking for forgiveness instead. I'm sorry, my Pangga."

Nakatingin lang siya sa'kin, her face unreadable but I could see a hint of my Leni back.

"I'm sorry for not being the understanding lover that you deserve. I promise you, I'll try na maging mas maintindihin, maging mas mapagpasensya, hindi lang para sa'yo pero para rin sa atin."

Humiga ako sa tabi niya and faced her. But I didn't extend my arms out. Ayokong iwasan niya ulit 'yung yakap ko. Masakit.

"Kapag pagod ka na, sana hindi mo sukuan 'yung tayo. Kasi hindi kita susukuan. I'll reassure you the same way that you reassure me. Hindi man ako magiging kasing-understanding mo, but I promise to also make you feel na sulit 'yung pagod mo."

I caressed her face hesitantly and she closed her eyes as my thumb brushed her cheek. "Mahal na mahal kita, my Leonor. And I won't ever stop loving you. So please stop doubting me. Stop asking yourself kung bakit kita mahal because I just do."

We were both crying now. My tears flowed freely but I didn't let her tears even leave her eyes. Ayokong nakikitang umiiyak ang mahal ko.

"I'm sorry, I love you."

"I love you," she replied in between her sobs.

I kissed her forehead tenderly. "Please don't leave me, Risa."

"I promise I won't. Not now, not ever."