THE CRIES of her mother makes her hold tight around her. Sheuli had never seen her mother like this.

So broken so lost. So vulnerable.

For Mohua Bakshi has never been fragile, never let her daughter be that either.

But today she is, today she is letting her daughter be that too. Too bad Sheuli doesn't want to. But she should be. She should be like that.

Vulnerable.

Broken.

Lost.

Screaming her heart out for she had lost her father, Sujoy Bakshi left the world last night, her father is no more here. And that was hard for her to believe, to come to terms with the news that next time she goes back to her home she won't find there.

At this thought, tears bleed out of her soul and she just holds her mouth tight.

A tug on her sleeves made her lean towards the warmth that arms provide, Sidharth stands right behind her holding her. His eyes are red bloodshot, face stretched with pain and more of that.

For he hadn't just lost his uncle, he was his Baba, always been that. They shared a profound bond and that's been the same all his thirty-four summers. But not anymore. His pillar had fallen last night and left him.

The priest comes towards them, towards him for the cremation rituals with the earthen pot. He needs to take that pot filled water and lead the mourning circles. He is the son, the eldest mourner, as they said.

He gulps while taking the pot from the priest's hand, his hands profusely shaking.

The norms of the society made him the lead mourner, he needs to perform the last rites of his uncle. But who is the society to decide for him, for them?

For Sidharth has always made his own rules, and stood by them. Today is no different. He puts the pot on Sheuli's right shoulder and she stiffened then slowly tilt her head towards him.

"You are his daughter, this is your right Sheuli."

"Dadabhai"

"He never discriminated between you and me, for you have never been someone to any less than any men or women, this is your right, do it. I will be here to support you, always." His words were loud and clear.

He is here to support her, a shoulder she can cry on, a pillar she can lean on but he won't let her back from anything and any right. His sister will get equal respect and rights as he got, he will make sure of it, if not he will make her fight for it.

"But that's something a son should be doing Siddharth."

"And who decided that? You and your patriarchy? I don't believe in those and I won't let her believe in any of those. My sister is not any less than me. The last rite is to be done by the lead mourner, she is the one here, she will be doing this."

He made his point clear and no one dares to say another word, no one has the right to.

Sheuli steps towards her father's body wrapped in that white cloth lying upon the piles of wood. Suddenly even the little weight on her shoulder felt heavy.

Heavy with the burden of loss and sorrow. The lost chances.

There won't be another fight between them and nothing more. So many things they needed to sort out between them but there won't be another time for that.

She had lost the chance, they had lost it.

No matter now no one will disturb her studies, no one would put curfews on her, no one. And it pains now.

She completes the circles with trembling feet and murmuring lips.

It hurts damn it's killing her.

Sidharth lobes the pot and she let it fall behind her, breaking the pot, breaking herself a little more. Sidharth made her hold a lighten wood and make her blazing the pyre, she gulps looking into his eyes, so pain so grief yet looking for her, after her.

She leans on his shoulder and he holds her tight, "I am here Sheuli, you are not alone."

The memory of Sujoy telling him those words echoing through his mind.

She nods, "I know Dadabhai, I know," she murmurs and keeping looking at the burning figure, her father, and just like that all her life has turned into ashes burned down entirely.

When someone left, they leave a void behind, a void of memories.

________

THE MIDNIGHT GLORY is nowhere to be seen tonight, maybe it was mourning too for her loss. She makes her way through the gates of her Gol Park residence. She is here to take some stuff before goes back to Bidhan Sarani where she would be living this time.

Sidharth would be picking her up in thirty minutes as he said before dropping her on the dates making a run for some things to Gariahat market.

She walks through the porch before stoping near their car. She gulps slowly walking towards it.

"Baba I am changing the tyre can you just keep quiet"

"It's not your thing to do, I will do it"

"Baba stop with this patriarchy now, I thought you are not one of those"

"One of those? Sheuli I was just looking out for you. Fine change it just doesn't get yourself hurt."

And she didn't.

Surjoy Bakshi was not a patriarch but surely a misogynist.

But right now he was just her father whom she lost and it pains as all their memories play right in front of her.

"Baba can you just let me drive, I am trying to learn"

"Clearly failing in it. Why can't you just concentrate Sheuli?"

"Baba"

She unlocks the door and sits in the driver's seat. So many times he tried to teach her but she never learnt the reverse gear, she was a slow learner perhaps he was a bad teacher.

But now it's all gone.

"He never understands me" She screams looking ahead. Today she is pissed. Her father had been pushing her for some choices she clearly doesn't want to make.

"What did Kaku said now?" He asks with a laugh"

"He asks me to go for engineering. Can you believe that? I hate that thing and he wants me to do that. What's wrong with him? Can't he just let me live? I already took up science.." She started with her rant when he cut her suddenly.

"You took up science because of your love with biology not because of him. He would be rather happy if you took up humanities or literature to be exact. So don't blame Kaku here."

"But now he is.."

"He is not forcing you Sheuli neither is he asking you. He just voices what he wants that's it and that's alright. He would never want you to follow his wishes and not yours, even you know that."

"I know but he shouldn't have said that."

"Why so? Everyone will always have some opinions Sheuli and you should always listen to all those but always do what you want, what your heart desires. For this is your life, so choices must be yours."

"You think he.."

"Kaku would never have a problem with you choosing yourself first, rather he would be happy. Plus Siddharth Da would take care of the rest and I am here you."

"You are?"

"Always Sheuli."

A gust of wind passed and she gasped the air around her. The sky roars as she let her tears fall.

Her heart screams at those words now.

How right he was and how wrong he was.

Her father was happy with her, they may have had some issues between them but now it just seems like a lack of their communication nothing much.

And the person who promised to be here was gone for years now.

Sheuli bites her lips controlling her sobs.

Everyone has distinct ways of mourning, for her, she doesn't feel them or maybe she just feels so deeply that it makes her numb.

In all her twenty-two summers of life, Sheuli Bakshi had many losses to grief how this is just another one she is not ready for.

But when was she? Never, she was never ready for losses but alas this is what life is. So cruelly snatching closed ones, so fiercely taking life away.

Yet one thing she knows and knows by heart, she will survive through it, she will cover her wounds yet again. And this time she will feel her loss, she will mourn too.

Because last time she didn't.

The last time she lost something precious she didn't scream, she didn't mourn. Just the grieving heart stayed with her.

And it doesn't help.

So this time she will do it right way, from where it should have been started.

__________