Dear Z,

I cannot save you.

I cannot save myself.

We are waiting to be saved but we can't be.

• • •

Sunday Evening

I don't look for him right away because I know he standing right there, in the corner watching me. I enter in an evening gown made of heavy color turquoise and beads that glint in the low golden hue of the lights shimmering in the ceiling. My hair waves down, my back bare and I feel the length of my hair fall upon it comfortably.

I am not okay. I might look okay but I am not. Especially not after last night. I fiddle with my fingers, suppressing the stomach ache I feel when I think of the what all has happened last night. Three things occurred in simultaneous fashion. One, Z and I had sex. Two, I told him I love him. Three, Liam asked my hand in marriage. I don't know how much I can take but I know this is a lot for even one person. I waver in my feet.

"Rose, I want to talk to you." I look up and see Hilda holding her hand out for me. I gulp, suddenly nervous. I follow her, very aware of the pair of intense eyes biting into my bare back.

When we reach a clearing with no on standing, I ask her, "What's the matter?"

"I know."

My heart galloped. "Know what?"

"Oh, out with it!" I have no clue what she was talking about but from her face...yeah-I still have no clue. She didn't look upset so I'm guessing she isn't talking what I am thinking.

"Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying." I say patiently. I can't act all fused up in front of her.

"Liam told me. He asked your hand in marriage! This is such news! I mean, are you sure? Do you want to marry him?"

I blink back at her, unable to form words in my mouth. I have no clue how to talk all of a sudden. My mouth is dry and lips parched. It's like I am in a dessert island trapped with my mistakes and there is no one to save me anymore.

"Rose? Are you alright? You look pale!" She reaches the back of her hand and places it in on my forehead. "Gosh! You are burning up! Come on, now let's take you to bed. You are going to lie in bed and don't worry about the ceremony! I can handle everything!" I try to get a word edge wise but she wouldn't have it. She drags me straight back upstairs to my room while I try to stop her and say how unnecessary it is for her to do this. She wouldn't have it.

I find myself in my dress on the bed, comforter rolled up to my chin and a cold water bag on my forehead. When I touch my skin, I realize I'm burning up. Jesus! What's wrong with me?

"Now sleep. I will have someone get you food and water. Rest now. It's been a long week." Hilda kisses my cheeks and her fingers caresses my chin. "I love you, Rose. I hope you know that." I blink back the sudden emotion welling up inside of me. I just nod, biting my lip to control the sob choking in my lungs. When she leaves, I stare up at the ceiling. Completely exhausted. Completely undone by everyone and everything. And I think I'm done with Z. I mean, Zaid. Wow, that's the first time I said his name like that. Zaid. Zaid. Zaid. It's so surreal. How did I convince myself of falling in love with him! He is my cousin for Christ sake! This is blasphemy. It's absolutely wrong! I felt like I was in a haze. A rush of lust that fogged my eyes and my heart. I didn't see who I was loving. Or maybe I didn't know who I was becoming. But I think it's time to end this for once and for all. I can't believe this! I can't seem to understand what I did and why I did it. It was a fantasy that was like a dream. A dream

I have woken up from and now, that I have woken I am regretting everything. Everything I have done with him. With Zaid. Not Z. Zaid. I don't know what I must do next but one thing is clear.

I'm done.

The door opens quietly and for the first time, my heart doesn't race when I see him. We don't speak. Just looking at each other. Is it weird that I can't seem to find what I found attractive in him? Or am I in just denial? That I refuse to accept his non words of rejection against my used to be feelings?

"I don't love you anymore." My eyes widen when I realize I said that out loud. His face was in the dark of the room. Only light came in through the windows and the slit of the door.

"I think I was in a mud of my ...feelings for you and now that I have cleaned up the mud, I see the clean slate. The truth about us. We shouldn't have done what we did. It was wrong. It wasn't clean. It was muddy and I come to realize we-" He cuts me off. "Is it true?"

"Yes, I'm not in love with-" He cuts me off again. "No, I mean is it true Liam asked your hand in marriage?" I couldn't decipher his tone. Was he angry? I couldn't make out. I reply in one word. "Yes."

He nods. He starts to walk from one corner to another. The lull in the air has a finality to it. I wait for it.

"I'm leaving tonight."

I search his form but he is moving I can't find what I'm looking for. And I think I'm looking for some kind of sadness in him which seems to unfold in me. I am sad he is leaving. Yes, but I'm also relieved that he is.

"Okay." I say because I can't say anything else.

He doesn't leave like I thought he would. Instead, he turns back to my bed and comes towards me, sitting on the other side. His legs slinging up and aligns with mine. He rests his head on the pillow next to me. I look at him. Stare at him. This man was a good man. But he is not mine. Never will be.

"I have no words to say." He speaks in the quiet. I nod my head because I feel the exact way. I have nothing to say but my head has all these thoughts and my heart has all these moments. Is it rare to fall out of love? Am I? Out of love? I don't understand me. I really don't.

"Did you mean what you said? Me leaving and never coming back?" He whispered, turning to face me.

"I don't know, Zaid." I sneak a look at him when I see his jaw clench at the sound of his full name. I guess I never called him that to him.

"So...are we-" The sentence remained hanging. I know what was left of it but I found it so cliche and cringy. This wasn't even a relationship.

I say something. "It was so- much like air. I breathe it but I am unsee it. I am unaware of it. I don't think of it. I don't really appreciate it because it's there. Does that make me a bad human?"

"No, it makes you a human." He replies and then he breathes out. "We are humans. We make mistake. I made plenty. I...had a friend Bake. He was an excellent fighter pilot I know. We were on a mission and I...had failed to see our enemy and it hit his plane, bombing it right in front of my eyes. I never could forget that sight. One minute, he was there. Next, smoke. I always blamed myself for that. He was a good one. Probably, the best. Now, he would never know."

I didn't realize I wasn't breathing. He has never said anything so personal to me before. I forgo the question of why now he is telling me all this. All I concentrate on is what he just revealed to me. I turn my body to him. A space between us as I look over his eyes that were penetrating into mine.

"It's not your fault." I wet my chapped lips.

He gulps and his eyes move to my lips and then back up.

He closes his eyes and I watch him. We make mistakes, don't we? But we have to correct them too. I think that's human. I think humans can be saved but maybe I don't think I can save him.

"I see him in my dreams, you know. All day and all night. He is in my mind. I fully can't let go of him."

"You can't save everyone." His eyes open at that. They are haunted and full of pain. I breathe loudly. "You really can't." The honesty in my voice was ripe.

I close my eyes, blocking him. Maybe that's what I was doing. Trying to save Zaid. Trying to tell him we all make mistakes and we all have to move on. Because it's the only logical thing to do next. We can't force ourselves to freeze upon that moment. Those who do, don't recover. I wanted Zaid to recover. But not anymore.

Maybe that's why I said I love you to him. Because I wanted to tell him I love you even for all who he is. But I think I failed.

"You saved me." My eyes flash open. His face had gotten closer, much closer than I anticipated. I could smell him.

"You saved me." He repeated and his hand came up about to touch my face and he stops. Then, he puts it back down. "Thank you." He raises his lips and kisses my forehead and I relish the feel of it for the whole ten seconds and then it disappears. I feel him move and get up. Walk to the door, pause there and then, the door shuts. His presence gone. Everything gone.

Then, I cry till I fall asleep.

Five years later~

Dear Zaid,

I'm the root cause of your problems.

I'm the stem holding your resistance.

I'm the leaves that brush by your lips.

I'm the thorns that make you bleed.

I'm your Rose.

I don't think I can recover from this.

I have to move on.

I have married the man who makes me happy.

I have reached a moment in my life where I don't see anyone.

I love the man I have married.

I love him. I really do.

But I can't forget about you.

I don't think I ever can. Can you?

I think I will always be your Rose.

But you have left. Gone away. Never to come back. Your sister misses you. Your mother misses you. This is my last letter. This is my last one. I hope you got all my little notes. All the ones from before. I always loved my notes to you. Because they mean the truth.

Now, I leave you be.

I don't miss you.

I don't wish to see you.

I don't want to know how you are.

I just want you to have these letters as a memory.

Because I have you in my heart as one too.

But it will always be just a memory. Lost in time. Lost in moments. Lost in days going by. It will soon be a dream. I will age and wonder was it a reality? We were young and swept by fantasies that broke all rules. It was gorgeous. It was contemptuous. It was just temporary stuff.

Goodbye.

Good bye.

Forever good bye.

Yours,

Rose.

THE END