Dear Z,

You live inside me.

You bury yourself in my veins.

You crawl into my throat through my mouth.

You reside in my gut.

You never leave, you are stuck with me.

• • •

A dribble of sweat hung on the strand of my hair as I stared back at her, with wide eyes. The yearning and longing in them made my heart twitch. My throat stopped functioning. I had nothing to say because...

Fuck, there was no reason.

Immediately on seeing my non-response, her eyes shuttered. Barricading me. She shifted away, the string that attached us was tearing.

And all I could do was watch.

Like an audience watching a film in a cinema hall, I watch her as she withdrew from me. Reaching down for her dress, her eyes downcast. Tugging up the sleeve over, zip being pulled, that bare skin reducing till all part of her was covered. The motion was fluid, no stutter. It was as if she hadn't uttered those three words.

Then, her eyes rose to mine. The spark of something unclear simmered in them. Yet it shone with the brightest light. It resonated with intense forbidding force. It made me feel reduced into a small pulp.

"I ask for a favor."

Unable to shun her request and irresistible to her plea, just so that she would look back at me with the way I made passionate love to her. "Anything."

She closes her eyes at the raw need of my voice but straightens up, looking back directly at me. "When you leave, don't ever come back."

The stone cemented in her voice made my back stiffen.

If I hadn't been watching closely, I would have missed the glassy haze shaking over her eyes. They were daring her to slip into drops that would run down the apple of her cheeks. Yet it didn't.

My chest constricted at that sight. "Okay."

She didn't move. I was frozen in my spot. My nakedness was no shame to either of us. She had spilled out what she truly felt and I had no guts to reply. I was weak. I couldn't tell her what I feel.

Then, she left. Her heels clicking as she walked over to the door, opening and before it closed, I heard that sharp inhale. I couldn't stop her because the door shut with a short slam.

"I wish I could tell you how I feel." I whisper to no one.

Bending, I pull on my clothes. I see the scratches, red indentations of her nails on my biceps and shoulder. I circle the area. My fingers smelled of her sex. Her oud perfume was trapped on my chest and stomach.

I feel numb but it was enough to keep the emotions from hurling and furling inside of me. I was greeted with the face of my friend. A colleague whose mind spoke and thought like mine. I saw his face, lighting up and somber. After that, his face blown up in ashes. Just gone. One minute he was there, then he had disappeared. Nothing left of him but smoke.

And there was no one to blame but fate. It was in the stars he would blow in the skies. Things like this happen often. It was there, alive. A threat hanging over us always. Yet when it happens to someone we speak, know and recognize their role in our lives, it makes us bleed with hurt.

I close my eyes. Then I see Rose's face. That waah of glimmer comes through me. Rose was someone I knew that I couldn't live a normal life when I met her. It was forbidden from the very beginning. It was known to me for so long. I just buried it in my chest, unable to claim that feeling. I hid it with hate and anger. It's easy that way. So much more uncomplicated way to keep that part locked.

I lean my head back against the shelf. One thing I know. When I leave, I can't come back.

• • •

Saturday Midnight

Laughter and music echoed from the house. It was late into the night. The light bulb burned. I sat in the corner, nursing a full tumbler of whiskey.

From outside, it showed me wholesome, not needing anyone to carry a conversation, comfortable with the solitude. Inside, I was cracked with scars and burns.

My eyes reaching to the other side of the great room. Rose was standing, talking with Liam. Her head flipping back as she laughs. His hand brushes her forearm. The skin I had caressed, the skin I had stroked, the skin I had kissed. She was still beautiful with the tiredness running her eyes.

This was probably for the best.

Someone came and sat next to me. I knew who it was. Adrianna.

"Tell me what's wrong."

I let out a small smile. She knows me well. I just knock my knee with hers. She smiled back but it didn't reach her eyes. She was worried. The last thing I wanted.

"How is married life treating you?" Desperate to change the topic from me. She caught on but didn't called me out. She rambled on her excitement, the buzz, the unfamiliar life ahead. I listened half-heartedly. Pressure throbbed my forehead. I weighed my hand under my chin, head tilting to the side as I glance to Rose, who at that exact moment met my eyes.

The attraction was instant. Caught on fire. I felt myself tremble within. I wanted her again and I knew she knew it.

When she looked away, I stared some more.

"What are you looking at? Oh, Liam and Rose. Aren't they adorable?" My sister's words were sincere but I wanted to knock something. I grit my teeth, molars grinding and I hear the gnashing sound. I want her again.

I want to touch her pussy, lick it, suck it. Own it. My shaft instantly ached. I licked my sudden dry lips.

"Yeah, they are adorable." I mumbled, looking back at my sister. "Listen, I think I'm calling it a night. Congratulations, once again!" I stand, hugging my sister. When I try to catch her gaze over my sister's shoulder, Rose averts her eyes away.

I clench my jaw. I don't know what to do. I felt the need to walk across the room, heft her up over my shoulders and take her back to my room. I feel my back wet with sweat.

"Take care of yourself, Z."

Instantly, I shift my eyes to Adrianna. "Why did you call me that?"

She pursed her lips and for the fastest second, it seemed to me her eyes led stray to Rose. However, it was so fast, I felt that my mind was playing tricks. Giving me warnings that she knew what I have done. What I'm hiding.

"I hear Archer calling me." She waved my goodbye but it was as if she was escaping my question. I wanted to ponder on that but my attention took capture of Rose. She was holding Liam's bicep, squeezing it like a lemon being squished under the lemon squeezer.

Then, she leaned into his ear. His hand went to her waist, encompassing them into a cacophony of intimacy. Liam's laugh was a snicker of mischief and his eyes turned molten.

I didn't like that. I felt a growl coming from under my chest. My foot was up, ready to stride straight to them but Wade's voice cut through my fog.

"Leave them. Here take this." I slant my eyes to his hand. A glass bottle of whiskey was gripped in his hand. I looked up, seeing Rose leaving with Liam.

I was conflicted. I was so untied with my losing game. This was a game I have to force myself to lose in order to win...in the end.

I grab the bottle, unscrewing the bottle cap. I chug, the butter type liquid slips right through my throat, caressing my lungs with burns. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, whispering back at Wade who was also drinking another bottle of whiskey. "I'm only doing this because I know it is the right thing to do. Not because you told me."

"Agreed." He hums and drinks.

As I drown the bottle, funny thing was my chest that burned also gave my heart the burn which fueled gut. It was a fire that I didn't know how to douse. But when I close my eyes like I'm doing right now, I saw Rose. Her face was an image that stuck to my head like glue. I don't know what I was meaning to feel.

I never understood the concept of feel. Why is it so important? I never felt anything but nerves of steel when I was in up in a US vessel with a flock of predatory enemy planes. This was interesting to me.

Rose was interesting to me...and I don't know how I feel about that.