Dear Z,

We will be long gone. Our traces erased. No one to remember us by and yet we give a shit about people we care. No one answers why.

• • •

Wednesday Evening

I watched Adrianna admire her mehendi. She looked terrifically happy. I think I have never seen her genuinely joyful for herself with a man. It makes me wonder about myself sometimes and I halt it before it washes over my head.

I turn away to reach in my pocket and bring out a small candy. I unwrapped it and popped it in my mouth. The flavor of sourness conquers my mouth as I sit on the grass, plucking the green strands with all of my cousins in a spaced out circle here in the backyard.

The Mehendi ceremony was long over. It happened mid morning today. It's actually an important ritual where women of the bride's family and her female friends gather together and a professional was brought in and draws beautiful and newest bridal mehendi designs on the bride's hands and feet. Even the rest of the party get their hands inked with mehendi for the fun of it. It's said that the groom's initials are hidden in the design and he has to find it on the wedding night. That last part I don't know if Adrianna did it. I wasn't around for it.

All day I was cooped up in my room with Wade and since we had nothing to do, we played video games. Juvenile I'm sure but I was bored.

I was comforted oddly by the sounds of guns firing through the computerized fields of dirt and splashes of pixelated bloodshed. Soon enough we were called down and we pretended to like the weird designs on the girls's hands as they shoved them up in our faces to show it off.

I lean back on my elbows, watching the evening sky turn pinkish blue. Citronella candles burned on the fences and porch. The grass was cut fresh and the earthy perfume lingered in the air.

All the cousins gabbed with one another and I looked left, like I did twenty times, watching Rose and Liam whispering to each other, near the back door. I don't even know what is he doing here. The groom and his family weren't supposed to be here.

The only reason we were sitting out only because mom's hired designers and their workers were decorating the house for tomorrow's event- Sanchaq. It's when the male members of the groom's family visit the bride's family with gifts including sweets, a bridal outfit with accessories and jewellery. This is the last pre-wedding ritual, signifying the blessing, affection, and support of the male members of the bride's new home.

In conclusion, Liam has to go. Seriously, I want to get up and grab that idiot, kick him out of the house.

I pluck out more grass, the strands tugged up from its roots making a distinctive silent sound which makes me feel unhappy and vindictive.

I bloody know I'm pretending I don't give a rat's ass but I lean towards Wade, whispering, "What's Liam doing here?"

He was talking to Gina when he stopped to turn at where Lima stood. Shrugging, he says, "Probably wanted to ask Rose out. God knows."

I suck my teeth. I take another glance at them. My throat works as I check her attire for today.

She wore black jeans that stuck to her legs, illustrating her sinuous thighs and the halter top that was tied around her neck in the back. It was dark violet. It hugged her rack. It complimented her features so well that I had to stop myself from gazing back at her but I couldn't. She had been naked last night under her bedsheet. I knew it and I felt a dizzy regret when she had threw on her nightshirt.

My head aches still now knowing she was feeling feet away, wearing nothing under that thin ratty t-shirt of hers.

When Rose reached out and squeezed Liam's bicep, I broke my gaze away.

I don't really know what's between us but my gut gets squeezed when I see her with him. She hasn't glanced at me since I came down from my room. I feel like I want to talk about what happened in her room but I never got an opportunity. She has been icing me ever since.

Heck, I don't know what I would say if I was given a chance. A solid man like myself who takes bigger risks in my life has nothing to say of what occurred last night.

I gritted my teeth. I don't like being driven crazy. It's making me obsess over her, a thing which I never do. She is a complicated labyrinth whose collection of paths have one entrance but to no goal. To no exit. Where does it end? When does it stop? I have no freaking clue because I'm stuck somewhere in a corner at a dead end. That woman's mind throws shame to the Villa Pisani labyrinth, Stra, Italy. The hardest and most difficult maze in the world. Her imposing hedges are worse than Villa Pisani which offers no respite to lost visitors.

"Hey Zaid, see who is here!" It takes me a second to regain where I'm. My eyes skate to where my mother stand and it widens further when I see who is next to her.

"Violet?" I voice out her name as I take in her familiar short figure with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She smiled shyly but she wasn't surprised when she saw me which made me suspicious. I brushed my jeans as I got up and walked to them.

My mother was full of teeth and her eyes skittered past me, trying to not look guilty. Mother, what have you done? I simply folded my arms across my chest, waiting for an explanation. My surroundings mitigate that I could hear the cicadas in the distance more clearly and all inspections came upon us.

"Hi Zaid." Violet's quiet soothe tone spoke up first. She had her hands locked behind her. Her stature so small and submissive. Very unalike Rose's. It made me immediately seek her out. When my vision met her, she was busy muttering with Liam, barely affected by this.

My jaw flexed. Did I want her to be affected? Clearly I did because I take a hold of Violet's elbow and drag her back into house, not paying attention to my mother's drowned words from behind.

My actions are influenced. It is soiled by the need to even out with Rose's indifference. I know it. I'm conscious of it, aware that this could lead to bad news but I don't listen to it.

I walk by people moving up and down and straight to the vacant living room which shockingly happened to be uninhabited. The rest of relatives were probably in the den. I'm glad of the privacy because I wasn't in the mood to explain my ex's presence here.

I look around, finding not one furniture was to be seen. It had too many colorful curtains hanging here and there. Mats and carpets of gold and silver old century designs were laid out. The wedding was going to take place here in the great room. It looked unnatural.

I stop in front of the unlighted fireplace, leaning my hand on the limestone mantle. "What are you doing here?" I ask her.

"Your mom invited me." She licked her lips, a movement which should have my cock stirring but it doesn't.

"And?" I wait for more because there is more.

"And...she told me you were here. Why didn't you call me?" She took a step closer.

"Last time I recall we were broken up." I lick my teeth, feeling ugly. Was Rose still talking to Liam? I remember her leaning close enough for him to kiss her soft lips. Why am I thinking of her?

"Yeah but we were also casual, weren't we? I thought you would call me once you came home." She placed her hand on my chest and all my thoughts are directed to whether Rose touched Liam's chest.

I narrow my gaze at Violet. She was sending signals with guns flaring. "So what do we do now?" I say. I know what she wants. Just want to hear her say it.

Her fingers walk up my pecs, slowly caressing the sides of my neck. "We can take it to your room."

Knew it. I shrug, not knowing what I should do. "I have a roommate."

"Is he there right now?" She batts her eyelashes and I am reminded of all our rendezvous earlier back in the day. Soft chemistry filled the space between us and I inhale her scent. It was lavender. Her hair smelt great too. Some fruit, not sure of the name.

She was asking me to take her upstairs. Who am I to say no? Her cheeks flush when I smirk, a small one.

I take up on her offer. I grab her hand, tugging her towards the staircase. "This is still casual." I firmly state my intent. I am unmoving on my position on relationships.

She takes two steps at a time to catch my speed. She grips her hand tightly. It was small in mine. "Definitely."

• • •

I am sprawled over my bed. My breathing receding from the high. The sweat cooling on my bare skin. When I sneak a peek at her ruffled blonde hair sticking over my chest, I feel a sense of self loathing in me. This was a bad decision.

Patches of my skin were scratched and nicked with my nails. It burned. But not the good kind but it was like a faulty hit. Like I accidentally touched a hot pan and regretted instantly or when one inserts a crisp five dollar note into an old ruggy vending machine and to have my bag of sour kids candy found not dropped in the pick-up slot. Urgh...it happened to me in high school and it still fucks with my head.

Her fingers rotated on my stomach, lining my abs. I didn't feel it. This was wrong. It was becoming suffocating. I get up, not meeting her eyes and I walk to the bathroom, taking a piss.

Peccancy inkling bested me as I pull the lever of the shower in the stall. Water rained down on me, wetting me. I drag a hand through my hair, over my chest and I feel dirty.

I fucked Violet all the while thinking of someone else. Violet's blues turned smoky green. The kind of green shadowed by evil. Violet's petite figure which was nicely full transformed into sleek and slender that had curves to kill. Curves that like to mess around a man's head. It was all in my mind.

I startle slightly when I feel a hand on my back. I close my eyes in annoyance. I don't turn. I feel ugly but I wasn't born a coward. There was a time when me and Violet could have happened but not anymore. So I shift a little so as to accommodate her in the narrow stall. She smiles back at me and I return it. It doesn't meet my eyes but I need to be polite.

"Violet." I start but she raised her hand to shush me.

"Don't say anything. I know you don't feel it."

I gear my head back. What was she talking about? It's then it strikes me. Her eyes were lost in mine. She had a look of longing and I go through the guilt which crushes me more. How could I have been so blind? So fucking stupid.

I sigh, wrapping my arms around her. Her head lies down on my chest, cradled in the nook of my arms. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't say anything in return. I kiss her hair. I wish I found it in me to like her. Our love making was what it was. Just simply benefitting it's purpose. A release for both.

When we were done, Violet leaves. I don't return downstairs just immediately. I sit on my bed, closing my eyes feeling as empty as ever.