Time was idle and a quicksand all at once; any disturbance and I feared sinking. Matt still hadn't moved, and my pulse rushed in my ears as I waited for him to seal our fate. But even as the silence grew, I didn't doubt my feelings for him. I had said them out loud for the first time and I stood by them even if he didn't love me the way I loved him.

"Matt? Did you hear me?"

"Just give me a second." He removed his hands from my hold and rubbed his face. "Is that all true? I'm in your room right now? Not dreaming?"

Matt's gaze swept across my face and locked on mine; pools of whiskey glimmering under dark lashes. My breathing hitched from the intensity of the stare, like he was sizing me up, or weighing up the words he was about to use.

I let out a nervous giggle. "What? Yeah, you're not dreaming. I promise, I mean every word. And more. I love you."

"Because if this is some twisted dream, I'm about to wake up from, I don't think I could take it." He inched closer and brushed my damp hair away from my face. "I hated every second of the last few months. Walking out on you that day has been eating me up inside." His voice lowered, and I felt it in my chest. He had barely spoken, but tears brimmed in my eyes. "I don't want to get this wrong. Not now."

His features softened and his fingers traced down my arms to settle over my hands again. "It's been eating me up inside, but I stand by the fact we did the right thing by having time apart.

"I've never had to sacrifice anything for anyone. Not for my family, not my friends, not even for Bailey. But fuck if leaving you wasn't a sacrifice. I don't want to do that again. I hated it. But we did it for us." He ran his fingers over my skin and moved even closer.

My body tingled, and goosebumps slid along the back of my neck.

"I had to be the best version of myself for you. It's what you deserve. Because I sure as fuck wasn't before. I just wanted you and didn't think of how that could affect you in the long run. Shit, of how it could have affected me as well. Now we can start again."

"I don't want you to have to sacrifice anything for me," I said in a whisper, narrowing that last gap of space between us. I gripped his shoulders for a moment before snaking my arms around his neck. "I love every version of you."

"Don't you get it? I didn't love the version of myself that would ever make you believe you were competing with an ex-girlfriend. Or that version of myself that made you think you caused Saffron's death. I fucked up and made you question yourself, and that's not okay. I was so desperate for you to believe me that I wasn't listening." His forehead dropped on mine, his breath fanning my face.

"I couldn't give a shit about who you look like. They'd never be you."

My heart overflowed with a freeing sense of euphoria. We hadn't been the lie. I wanted to cry. My eyes lowered to his lips seconds before they descended on mine, and it was as if we had never been apart. Lips scorching and familiar, I couldn't imagine them ever leaving me again. His tongue swept and tangled with mine, and I found myself clutching onto his hoodie like my sanity depended on it. Because loving Matt was stability and the greatest rush living in harmony.

"You hear me, they can't be. I love you," he murmured into my mouth. "And I think in some way I always have. Not in a twisted I have to take care of you way because, shit, you don't need me for that."

He pulled back and a lazy smile crossed his slightly swollen mouth. He cupped my cheeks, his thumbs stroking faint circles behind my ear. I leaned into him and sighed.

"You know what I thought that first night we met? That woman's gone through hell and she just keeps fighting. When you were in the toilets, having a panic attack, you fought against it."

I shook my head. "That was you. You helped me."

"No, that was all you. I couldn't have forced you out of there. You had to do that part. And every other time, it's been you fighting. Even when you're breaking, you never give up."

His words broke the last of my walls and I couldn't fight the tears as they fell freely. He kissed me like we were both finally living. He kissed me like a promise, a vow.

I threaded my hands into his hair and tugged him down until most of his body weight was crushing my frame. I needed to feel his strength all around me. He groaned against my mouth before trailing delicate kisses along my jaw and down my neck. He settled into the hollow at the base of my throat and softly blew against my damp skin, pulling a moan from my mouth.

"You also scare me a little with your hair-brained schemes," he said, his voice vibrating against me. "I love you but not sure it's enough to bungee jump next."

A light laugh escaped both of us and pure happiness bloomed inside.

"What about a plane jump instead?"

"Not a chance." He swallowed our laughter when he returned to my lips.

He was my stillness, my greatest distraction, my truest love.

***

My following therapy visit wasn't like the others. The Beatrice walking into that week's session had found a new confidence in each of her steps. Her fears were still very real, but she wouldn't allow them to hold her back any longer.

Matt's description of my resilience had given me a boost to believe in myself, but also the means to understand that as long as I didn't give up, my failures were not the measure of my strengths.

With his own personal recovery, Matt had new goals he hoped to achieve and after our confession the previous week, he lay in my bed and described each one of them. Him leaving the grief support group wasn't a way to ignore his problems, but a reason to work harder on himself.

Even with us back together, he arranged for a bouquet of simple white blooms to be delivered to my house before he came to pick me up. He drove to the clinic and waited in his car for me. Afterwards, he made sure to keep Zaire's tradition of coffee and cake by parking up outside a coffee shop. This time I wouldn't be avoiding Beautiful Chaos.

The rich aroma of coffee and the sweetness of syrup cake hit my nostrils the moment we walked through the doors.

"It went well. I have a new breathing exercise to try out if you want later?" Matt helped me out of my jacket and drooped it over the back of one of the leather sofas. "Great. I'll see you later and I'll even bring a slice of cake back. Okay. Love ya." I locked my phone and slid it into my handbag.

"Did it go okay?" Matt asked as he slipped his hand in mine and we wandered over to the cake display.

"Yep. Cast on and bright blue, apparently. He's at his parents' house now. Looks like you have the place to yourself until he's out of it. So what's that five or six weeks?" I eyed the desserts on show and my mouth salivated. That carrot cake looked amazing.

"We have the place to ourselves." He tugged on the back pocket of my jeans and spun me around to drop a kiss to my lips. "I like the sound of that. Neighbours might not."

I wrapped my arms around him and we swayed from side to side, grins wide. "Do you care? Because I'm making the most of it."

"Not one bit. So hurry up and pick something so we can go back now."

"Not so quick, promised Zaire a slice and a visit. You're coming too." I kissed the tip of his nose and twisted in his embrace so I could order our food.

"Well apparently not," he muttered under his breath and laughed when I swatted his forearm as it lay across my waist. "Chocolate fudge cake for me."

"Same for Zaire, a carrot cake, and two cappuccinos. I'll get these." I tapped my debit card on the counter and quickly scanned the closest bookshelves. "Could I get one of the fudge cake slices to go, please?"

The barista smiled and boxed up one of the slices. She passed two filled plates to Matt and started on the coffees while he strolled back to our table. "I remember you. So did you enjoy that tragedy you took home?"

I returned her smile and shook my head. "You were right. Tsunami type tears. Ended me."

She laughed and positioned both of the cups onto saucers. "Chocolate powder on the cappuccinos?"

"Yes, please."

"Yeah, but still beautiful, right? The book."

I shrugged. "I think you have to be in the mood for it. Could do with a little less pain." I stepped to the side and ran a finger over a selection of romance novels on show.

"Oh, I hear you."

"I think I deserve a happy ending this time around." I grabbed the book with the bubblegum pink cover I had my eye on all those months ago and paid for my order.

Matt waited for me, his arms stretched out over the back of the sofa, his legs crossed at his ankles. Every inch of me hummed with a newfound love for life, and I couldn't wait to start on my journey with this man by my side.

I had chosen my happy ending. Loving Matt and being loved by him was a bonus. My true happiness had come from believing in myself again.

I was going to be okay.

You are going to be okay.

***