The path to the main entrance narrowed in my vision and bodies rushed past me, causing me to flinch. The noise became unbearable, and if Matt wasn't holding on to my waist, I feared my knees would give way.

A sour taste coated my tongue and I was grateful for the piece of gum I still chewed on. Matt was probably thankful for it as well.

I felt his hand squeeze my side, and I tried to focus on the sensation instead of the tingling in my extremities.

"Don't let go," I said when we neared the automatic sliding doors.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded for my own reassurance and gripped the hand he had on my waist.

The receptionist at the front desk seemed friendly but an unfamiliar face. For a place I had worked in for years, that notion was slightly unsettling. She greeted us with a subtle smile but barely looked up from her computer as she searched for the unit Zaire would be on.

While her head faced away from us, I scanned the hallway, fidgeting with the hem of my t-shirt with my free hand. Nothing had changed over the year, but I didn't recognise anyone. Staff members marched by, eyes focussed straight ahead, busy with their daily tasks. To them I was just another member of the public, passing through the doors of Stonefield hospital. Gone were the days of being their colleague, their friend.

"Oh my goodness, Bea! Is that really you?"

I turned to the sound of a voice I finally recognised. "Jess!"

"It's so good to see you again." My old colleague placed a hand on my back for a one handed hug. "You've been missed. What have you been up to? Wait until the girls see you here. They won't believe it."

Matt loosened his grip on my side and gently nudged me forward.

"Is it for a visit? You should have just walked through." She glanced over at Matt. "Oh, and who do we have here?" She moved closer and lowered her voice. "Nicely done," she added with a subtle wink.

The tension in my shoulders eased when I realised this wasn't as scary as I first imagined. Jess' easy-going nature softened the instability of my surroundings.

"We're actually here for Zaire. But they can't tell us where he is now." I bit on the skin around my thumb, my eyes bouncing from her to the lady behind the desk. "Oh, and this is Matt," I said when he cleared his throat.

They shook hands and said a quick hello before Jess leaned over to check the computer screen. She clicked on a few buttons and smiled back towards us.

"Surprised no one told us he was here. Follow me, I'll take you to him." She grabbed a stack of notes from the side and moved towards the lifts. "He's having his cast done."

We stepped into the plain silver box and Jess clicked the button for level 2 where the fracture clinic was located.

"So, I have to say this before we bump into anyone else. Debbie quit last week, and I heard rumours Stacey's–" Jess mimed a pregnant belly–, "you know, up the duff. The team is falling apart. Any chance you'd consider coming back? It's really not been the same without you."

The tips of my ears warmed at her question, and my belly flipped. My job application lay under a pile of papers on my desk, and the past week I had avoided that topic with my family and therapist. But being back here, a small portion of myself craved the thrill that came from helping people again.

"Maybe. I've thought about it. Wasn't sure how they'd take it here or if I'd need to request a different location."

"Oh no, don't do that. They would take you straight back, I'm sure of it, and with Debbie leaving, well, how can they say no."

"I'll think about it."

The ding of the doors opening halted our catch up and Matt intertwined his hand in mine as we advanced down the sterile white and blue corridor.

The scent of disinfectant hit my nostrils and a rush of nostalgia came over me. Why had I left it so long without realising how much I missed being here? I peeked through the closed doors from each unit as we wandered past and waved to the faces I recognised. Some came out for a quick hug and they all asked the same question: when would I be back?

I had no immediate answer for them, but their genuine concern and interest fuelled my own need to have that side of my life return to normal.

After the welcome interruptions, we rounded the corner to the entrance of the fracture clinic. The air pressure in the room shifted when we walked through the doors, and a sudden lightness settled in my body. The sight of my best friend injured but very much alive stirred a new array of emotions, emotions which were leaving me exhausted.

Zaire sat in a wheelchair, his leg propped up, with CeCe and his mum on either side of him. His face was mark-free and held an air of boredom as he flicked through a leaflet on his lap. If I focused on that, I wouldn't have known he was harmed until I scanned down to his shoulder sling and his leg, bared from the knee down, bruised and slightly at an odd angle.

I briefly closed my eyes to take stock and blew a shaky breath out.

CeCe stood the moment she saw us and paused before shuffling forward. She pulled her jacket around herself and grimaced. "I'm so sorry, Bea. I should have known–, shouldn't have mentioned the accident first. I could have started with he's okay. And–"

"It's okay," I cut her off, uncomfortable with the grovelling tone of her voice. "He's okay. I'm okay. I could have listened to the phone call. No one was to blame. Well, I was. It wasn't a you problem." A flush of heat travelled across my forehead. "But, hey, I drove a car again." I shrugged, gave out a nervous giggle then burst into tears.

Matt moved closer, slipping his fingers to my middle, but I waved him off.

"I'm being silly. Sorry," I said between sobs, pressing the back of my hands below my eyes. "I'm fine. Really."

"Will someone just hug her, I can't get up," Zaire said through the scramble in my mind.

Not hesitating a second time, Matt tightened his hold on my waist and flattened me to his front.

"Did you really drive here?"

I looked straight at Zaire, over Matt, my chin pressed into his shoulder and nodded.

"Yeah, I really did." I gave him a sheepish smile, tears rolling down my cheeks, wetting my ex's hoodie.

"Well, if I knew I had to crash my baby for that to happen–" his mum clipped the back of his head–, "ouch."

"Don't even go there. If you ever do that to me again–" Dread wasn't a strong enough word to describe the sinking feeling my stomach made whenever I thought of him in an accident. Driving to get here was the least I could do when my friend was hurt. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and my apprehension to get back behind the wheel throughout the year seemed irrelevant. "What happened? Your car wrecked?"

"Yeah total write off. Some tosser ignored the lights and rammed straight into me. Paramedics said I was lucky I came out with just some bruises, and my broken leg and collarbone. Someone was definitely looking out for me."

I didn't voice it, but I believed if anyone was watching over him, it would have been Saffron. If anyone could do it, it would be her. I just knew it and held onto that belief for comfort.

Relaxing into Matt, I clutched the fabric of his hoodie and he coiled a strand of my hair around his fingers. I didn't want to break away first and hoped he wouldn't either. Be damned with the consequences of falling without a safety net. Life alone wasn't short, every single moment was.

We eventually moved away to sit with CeCe and Mrs Dimou while Zaire had his temporary cast fitted. He would need to be back in a week's time, once the swelling on his leg had reduced.

"You want a lift back or you driving?" Matt asked when we returned to the carpark of the hospital.

I weighed my keys in my hand and looked up to my mum's car. My stomach sank at having to make the journey back on my own.

"Let's not push it." I gave his hand a squeeze and rested my head against him. "I'm drained. Can you take me back? Maybe we can talk?"

***

The atmosphere on the drive home was palpable as the late afternoon sun stretched over the city and cast hues of orange and yellow on every building. I could almost hear each of Matt's breaths in our silence and I concentrated on the tempo, mimicking each inhale and exhale. The effort calmed the remnants of nerves dancing in my body, and I stilled the hands I was wringing in my lap.

The quietness grew deeper when we pulled up outside my house. If people were around, I hadn't noticed as there was only Matt and I. We walked up the garden path, through the front door, and up to my bedroom, our arms brushing against each other; barely touching, but connected in so many ways.

"I feel wrecked after that. Going to jump in the shower quickly." I grabbed a pair of leggings and a t-shirt from my drawer and tucked them under my arm. "My laptop's on my desk if you want to watch something while you wait?"

Before starting the shower, a soft thud sounded against the en-suite bathroom door after I closed it behind me. "I really like your hair, by the way." His voice travelled through the thin wooden panel separating us and landed straight in my gut.

I twisted a lock of my blonde hair and smiled at myself in the mirror.

"Prefer it maybe. Well, both look great on you, but you look like you're meant to have it like that. Does that make sense?" Another thud had my head turning towards the door. "What am I even saying?" he mumbled to himself, but I caught it as I approached and rested my forehead against the wood.

"Thank you." I placed my hand, palm flat, where I imagined he had his back, or head, or even his own hand, and sighed. "I won't be long. Wait there, okay?"

Steam crept along the edge of the mirror and I stepped under the spray of the shower, letting the heat massage away the tightness in my neck. A part of me wanted to stay there until the water turned cold, the other part couldn't wait any longer.

I had so much I needed to say and so much I longed to hear.

My cheeks held a pink glow under the fluorescent light over the mirror and became brighter with each wipe; a crystal clear image appearing when the fog lifted, just like my feelings for Matt.

His truth with his exes was unrelated to us. They lived in the past. We deserved our own chance, our own future.

Before I fully opened the door, I peered through the crack I had created, gripping the handle, delaying our moment. Matt sat on the edge of my bed, the veins of his hands popping as he clenched the duvet. He stared at his feet with my laptop discarded to the side.

"Didn't find anything to watch?" I asked as I roamed around my room.

He glanced up and smiled. "Nah, kind of forgot." He shifted back and watched me as I towel-dried my hair.

"So–" we both spoke at the same time and chuckled.

"Um, can I go first?" I draped my towel over the back of my desk chair and turned slowly. His gaze fixed on mine but dropped to the floor again. "I want to say I'm sorry–"

"You have nothing to be sorry about. If anything–"

"But I do. I didn't handle New Year's Eve very well." I winced at the memory, but pushed the sensation of regret down so I could move on. "Neither one of us did really, but I shouldn't have put words in your mouth."

I settled on the bed beside him, our fingers touching. I itched to reach out and hold on to him in some way. "I should have listened to your explanation before rushing to push you away. It was just all too much."

"I know." His pinky linked with mine. "It was a lot."

An unnatural stillness descended around us, and a sudden thirst seized my throat. I swallowed to alleviate the dryness. When that didn't work, I coughed, but that only made the discomfort increase. Matt didn't let go. If anything, he moved closer. The apprehension gradually dwindled like it had whenever he was close by and I couldn't fight it any longer.

"I didn't feel the butterflies when I saw you in the hospital," I blurted out.

"Oh." He detached his pinky from mine and tugged his hand away. Before it was out of my grasp, I placed my hand over his.

"I thought I never wanted that sensation to fade, but now, I welcome it," I rushed and faced him. He looked puzzled, and I hoped my next words would be clear. "Yes, they're exciting. You can't think about anything else. They take over your entire body, but that's not love. It leads the way but doesn't clear the path.

"The butterflies stop you from sleeping at night, from eating, almost from breathing, but who can live a whole life like that?

"Love is when everything is quiet and your soul is finally at peace. One touch and everything feels right and you no longer feel the need to scream."

All uncertainty lifted from within. Nothing else had ever felt this right. I intertwined my fingers with his and rested them on my thigh.

"I love you in the absence of chaos. I love you when everything is silent and serene. When it can't take over my thoughts and overwhelm me. I love you without seeing you. I just love you."

Matt didn't budge as his gaze locked on our joined hands in my lap. Each heartbeat reverberated in my ribcage, letting me know the moment was real and not some fabrication of my mind.

"Please, just say something. Anything."

***