December 15th was when the snow fell.

I sat alone, huddled in my bed, my legs folded up and my arms circling my knees, listening out for any sign of my parents. Besides the ticking of a clock, the room stayed silent. And that's when I heard it. The softest thuds against the windowpane. It grew louder with soughing from the winter winds, drowning out the clock.

A chill crept up my legs and the urge to dive back under my duvet to sleep the day away was only marginally outweighed by my need to glance out my window.

Despite the plush carpet, the floor felt cold under my feet as I slipped out of bed. I scrunched my toes and stretched them again, before shuffling forward. Already, a white, pristine blanket covered the harsh black lines of the streets and dying grass of our front garden.

For that moment, while the snow danced in swirls from weighted clouds, I could pretend all the ugly had disappeared, obscured behind a blank sheet. I opened the window to feel the bite of each flake on my skin, but it wasn't enough.

I needed more.

After rushing to get dressed, I crept down the stairs, pulled on my boots, and escaped to my garden. Lost in the snow's choreography, while the rest of the world slept, I barely registered the car pulling up to the house. Instead, my face was tilted towards the sky so each snowflake could brush my cheeks and settle along my eyelashes.

"What are you doing out here so early?"

My shoulders jerked and my stomach tensed. I thought I was alone. "I could say the same thing to you? You only got home a few hours ago? Aren't you knackered?"

"Couldn't sleep." Matt rubbed at his eyes, leaving them slightly bloodshot. "Was hoping you'd be in my bed when I got in." He ran his fingers across my cheeks, wiping the snow away before planting a tender kiss to my lips. "Plus, I know what today means to you," he said as he rested his chin on the top of my head after pulling me against him.

"Mmm," I breathed in the scent of his freshly washed hoodie and his body wash, delaying any talks about the date. "You had a shower. Did you get into bed at all?"

"No" He shrugged his shoulders. "Babe, I'm freezing. Can we go in?"

"Not yet. I just wanted to walk around for a minute. Before everyone wakes up and today feels too real." Silly man. He didn't even have a coat on over his lightweight jumper. "I left the kitchen door unlocked. Wait for me inside?"

"Hold on a sec." He strode up to his car and came back with a beanie, his scarf and a coat. "You wanted to walk, let's go for that walk." He looped his arm through mine and tugged me out of the garden, towards the street.

Matt kept his hold on me, as he marched head down, to an unknown destination. I wanted a stroll in my garden, but he seemed like he was on a mission.

"Slow down a bit. We'll slip." With those words, my foot slid forward and my knees buckled. His hands went under my armpits to stop me from falling straight onto my bottom. I had no grip even in snow boots and we broke out into fits of giggles from the slight struggle. "Who's crazy idea was it to go out in this weather?"

"Some nutter." He smiled, the corner of his eyes crinkling, and lowered his head to mine. "Your little nose is all pink from the cold." His lips were warm as they made contact with the end of my nose, then my mouth.

My heart did its usual skitter and my belly dipped. Three and a half months since that first night at the bar and I hoped the feeling wouldn't fade. Even on a day I had no right to be happy, I realised how lucky I was. Unfortunately, the happier I felt with Matt, the more guilt consumed me from within.

I went to pull away so we could keep going, but Matt snaked his arm around my waist and slid his hands into the back pockets of my jeans. "Not done. One more kiss. You're keeping me warm."

"Where were you heading?" I asked between kisses.

"Oh yeah. Come on. I drove past a playground on the way. Let's have some fun." He looked down and his lips twitched. "Head out of the gutter. Not that kind of fun."

"Err, wasn't even thinking it. I'm not freezing my nips out here. Plus, you ever seen those photos of people licking poles when it's this cold and getting stuck. Yeah, not happening."

Matt burst out laughing. "God, I fucking love you." His laughter lingered as he grabbed my hand and set back off down the road as if he didn't utter that sentence; the one that had the ends of my toes tingling.

I stared at the floor, shuffling the snow with the end of my boots. I almost repeated it back, but kept my mouth sealed in case it was a slip of the tongue. We had said everything but those exact words. Maybe I should just do it.

No. I bottled it and before I found any courage to speak up, the play park came into sight.

Matt squeezed my hand and sped up. His feet slipped again, and he stilled. "Nearly did it again."

"What are you doing for Christmas?" I blurted out, gripping his hand harder in case we fell.

"Nothing yet. Zaire mentioned I could go to his but–"

"Want to come to mine? My parents already mentioned it." Please say yes.

"Not gonna lie, was hoping we'd spend it together." He pushed the gate of the park open and waited for me to go ahead of him. "Now go find somewhere to hide."

"What?" I spun around, surprised by the change in his voice. Matt scooped a pile of snow into his hand and his mouth curved into a devilish smile as he balled the white powder.

"You heard me. Go hide."

I didn't wait for him to repeat himself. I bolted towards the slide and crouched behind the playhouse it was attached to. With barely enough time to arm myself with my own snowball, his first one thumped against the wooden shelter.

"Cheap shot!" I shouted out. "You had a head start." Armed and ready to fire, I carefully popped my head over the side and scanned the park. I had no idea where he was hiding, so I waited, hoping he would stand up to shoot. "Where is he?" I mumbled to myself and braved a step into the open space beside my hiding spot. My heart beat fast and I held my breath in case it helped me hear where he was.

Besides a few bushes along the edge of the park, the swing set and a cone roundabout, there was nothing to protect him. Not that the net on the roundabout or the frame of the swing would conceal his location. I took another step forward. The climbing wall. Tiptoeing past the slide, I pressed the snow further into my palms. The ground crunched with each movement and I winced from the noise.

I was so focussed on staying quiet, I never thought of looking behind me and that's when Matt attacked. Freezing cold snow smacked the back of my neck and dripped down the inside of my coat. I heard his deep chuckle before I saw him.

Blindly, I launched my snowball in the direction I guessed he would be in, then decided to glance around. His laughter grew louder. I scraped another handful of snow up and without compressing the powder, threw it again towards his voice. The imperfect ball fell apart and blew back into my face and into my mouth. I coughed as the flakes melted and glacial water hit the back of my throat.

That only made Matt laugh harder. He walked out from behind the same wooden playhouse I used as my hiding place, clutching his stomach.

"How? I was there, and you weren't!" I said, my eyebrows drawn together, trying to look angry, but when his face stretched into a wide grin, I lost all resolve and mimicked his expression. Despite the cold, excitement sparked inside me like small rays of sunshine.

"I was there the whole time." He wiped the corner of his eyes with his left index finger. "Just on the other side. Can't believe you didn't hear me."

"Stop lying. You were nowhere near me. What's that in your hand?" I squinted as he lifted his free arm and waved. "Not that one. I'm not stupid. You have something behind your back."

He smirked and moved forward.

"Don't you dare." I raised my arms to shield my face. "I mean it, Matt. You can't attack when I'm unarmed."

"Is that right?"

The snowball came into sight and instead of defending myself, I ran straight for him. I felt the impact of the snow on my right shoulder, but I kept going until I made contact with his body, throwing him backwards. We both landed with a thud, my chest pressed to his, the back of his head laying on the white blanket of icy powder.

His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths as I boxed him in with my arms. "What was that? That's not how it goes." He wrapped a loose strand of my hair around his finger and tugged on it lightly until my mouth was mere millimetres from his.

"I wasn't gonna win otherwise," I spoke against his lips.

"Ahh, so you're a cheat. Good to know." His voice, barely a whisper, dropped an octave, making me feel dizzy until he covered my mouth with his.

My toes were frozen, and the end of my nose and fingers were stinging from the bitter chill in the air, but I had never felt more alive as I realised I wouldn't survive a day without Matt Quinn.

***

When we walked back into my house, my parents were both sitting at the kitchen table with breakfast set out in front of them. My dad peered over his mug and gave a slight nod before leaning back in his chair, but my mum, looking paler than usual, rushed out of her seat towards me.

I held on to Matt's arm and almost stumbled forwards while removing my boots as all my attention was on her. The melting snow, clinging to them, left a puddle on the floor.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Taken aback by the tone of her voice, I jerked my head back and frowned. "I went for a walk. I'm twenty-three, Mum. Didn't think I had to ask."

She rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. "Yeah. Sorry. I know that but–"

"What your mum wants to ask is, how are you today, kiddo? Did you sleep well?" He sipped his coffee and smiled. "Stay the night, Matt?" Dad remained neutral while Mum paced up and down the kitchen, gnawing on the inside of her cheek.

"No, sir. I drove over this morning." Matt helped me out of my coat and hung it next to his on the coat rack.

"You kids and your sirs. Please, it's David." He stepped around the table and placed a hand on my mother's back. He tried to conceal the gesture, but I saw his hand moving in soothing circles. I was even more confused as I watched them. Mum was definitely overreacting.

"Hot chocolate, you should have a hot chocolate to warm up. And a shower. Go take a shower before you catch a cold and I'll make the drinks." She forced a smile, walked to the sink and turned on the tap.

No one else moved for a moment, but curiosity pushed me to find out why my mother was a nervous wreck all of a sudden.

I tugged on her arm and pulled her into a hug. "Mum, you okay?" I whispered as I held her close.

Her hands found their way into my hair and she stroked the ends, just like she did when I was upset as a child. "I'm sorry, darling. I wanted to be there when you woke up today and was worried you were all alone."

My heart wrenched. How stupid of me. When I woke and disappeared into the garden, I was in a zombie state, not thinking she might dread the day as much as I did; one entire year without Saffron and a year since my parents very nearly lost me.

"I'm here, Mum. And I'm okay."

"Yes, you are. Aren't you?" She shifted back, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, and clutched my face. She shook her head and squared her shoulders. "Go shower. The Dimous are coming here for Sunday lunch when their church service is over. Matt, you can use the guest bedroom's one and David will lend you some joggers while I dry your clothes." She returned to the washing up she had piled in the sink as if nothing had happened and the day should continue as normal.

Matt and I did as she said and then came back down to our mugs of steaming hot chocolate. We sat around in the kitchen, talking about the weather, Matt's night at work and what plans we had leading up to Christmas. Before we knew it, it was time to help Mum prepare and cook lunch. The Dimous arrived a little after one o'clock, and Grandma Jossy, Zaire and his parents joined us at the large table in our dining room so we could raise a glass to our beloved Saffy.

Despite the pain that lingered from her loss, I couldn't fight the smile on my face. With Matt on one side and Zaire on the other, I glanced around the table as everyone shared fond memories of our beautiful friend. A few months ago, I fought to keep my head above the water and couldn't imagine being able to even mention her, but with my own army of supporters I was learning these battles needn't be solitary.

***