"Do you think he suspected anything?"

We sat on Matt's bed, a large pepperoni pizza between us. We had both showered, and I wore one of his t-shirts and a clean pair of knickers I borrowed off his roommate's girlfriend, Liv.

When his boss had wandered in on us, Matt was mid-change of his t-shirt. His open locker door hid most of him, but I was convinced he knew exactly what we had been doing down there.

"Maybe. Your hair was all over the place when he walked into that staff room," he said between mouthfuls of his pizza slice. "I'll find out tomorrow."

"My hair? Yours wasn't much better." I smiled, yanking my top further down my thighs.

Matt's gaze lowered to my crossed legs. "You didn't need to put undies on for my benefit. Prefer you without."

The knotting in my stomach hadn't lessened since getting here. This felt very coupley, but I wasn't scared any longer. All those knots and flips were due to excitement at where our new relationship was heading.

"I bet you do," I said, hiding my mouth after I bit into my food. A string of cheese held on to the tomato base then snapped, leaving it to dangle off my chin.

Matt chuckled and moved closer to wipe the cheesy mess off. "All clean." He pecked my lips and settled back as if he hadn't just made my whole insides turn to goo.

I placed my slice down and couldn't keep my eyes off him.

"You're cute."

"Cute?" I scrunched my nose up when he bopped it. I didn't want him to see me as just cute.

"Well, to start with–" he set the pizza box on the floor and tugged on my hand until I straddled his lap– "but also sexy as fuck." He pressed his forehead against mine, dragged his teeth over my bottom lip and pulled. A soft moan bubbled in my throat. One hand traced lazy circles on my lower back, under my t-shirt, his other cradled the back of my head. "And so beautiful."

Breathless, that's the only way I could describe this feeling. My mind fizzed and without thinking about it, I blurted out, "I like you."

Matt nuzzled into my neck and laughed. "I really like you, too." His reply copied mine but meant everything in that moment.

We stayed like that for ages, neither one of us letting go. Nothing was awkward and my body relaxed into his comfortable embrace.

"Tell me about Australia," I mumbled into his neck. His skin was warm against my face.

"What do ya want to know?"

"What was your life like before you came here?" Our voices were soft, floating easily between us.

"Not much to tell." He shrugged and his arms squeezed me briefly. "Mum and Dad are still there. They live close to my favourite spot for surfing. I have a younger sister, Aria. She's just finished high school."

"What made you leave and come all the way to England? Don't you miss it, miss them?"

"Not the weather," he joked, but his voice was clipped. I picked up on the tensing of his muscles and his breathing grew heavier. "Sometimes I think I do, but lost touch with most of my friends when I left so going home would never be the same."

"I'm sorry." Closing my eyes, I breathed in his usual scent of mint and cedar and rubbed down his back.

"Nothing to be sorry about. These things happen. I wasn't a very nice person before I left. Don't blame them, really."

"The person you lost? Were they a friend" Nerves crackled through me like popping candy.

"Mmm," Matt sighed and pushed further into me. "Something like that."

"What happened?" I dared to ask. Maybe I was pushing too far tonight, but curiosity ate at me.

His reply didn't come. His chin dug into my shoulder and he shifted under me, our embrace agonisingly uncomfortable as I waited for an answer.

"You don't have to tell me. But I'm here if you want to talk about it."

"Let's just say, stupid decisions were made by all of us." He kissed my neck and slipped his hand over my heart that pounded hard against my chest. Could he feel how nervous I was for any answers? "Trixie? Can we leave it for tonight? I'll tell you soon. Promise. But I don't want you to know that version of me just yet. It might put you off before we get started."

"You won't."

"How can you say that for sure?"

"Because you've only been amazing to me. Matt, you're amazing. I feel it here." I grabbed his hand and rested it on my stomach.

"You're amazing."

"And you're cute. Sexy as fuck and what else was it?" Tapping my index finger on my chin, I looked to the ceiling as if I had to think about my next line. "Ah yes, Beautiful." Acting coy, I glanced down and bit my lip.

"Now you're just taking the piss." He laughed at my expression and kissed me hard, pushing me back until he hovered over me.

Our laughter vanished as his hand snaked under my top and squeezed my side. Lust burned in his eyes and any worries evaporated. Just a touch, just a look, and I was lost to him.

Please don't be wrong, gut feeling.

***

The creaking of the ornate gate resonated in the empty courtyard. Our feet kicked up the pea shingle as we strolled past the church and crunched with each step. I lowered my head in shame. The noise wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help glancing around, making sure we weren't disturbing anyone.

"When you asked me on a date, I thought you meant dinner or cinema. Not a graveyard," Matt said, humour lacing his voice as he tried to calm my nerves.

"Shh, keep your voice down?" I placed my index finger over my lip. "We'll still go for dinner."

"Where is she?"

"Somewhere around there." I pointed towards the newer part of the cemetery.

Before Matt took me home, so I could change before our date, I never intended to lead him here.

I sat on my bed after brushing my hair out and caught sight of the corner of an old photograph, wedged under my bedside table. My heart stopped when I lifted it to my eyes and saw my best friend staring back at me. She blew a kiss towards the camera I held, her thick brown hair framing her face. She loved this photo of her and had left it between my nursing manual to bring me luck.

"Miss you so much." I wiped a few rogue tears off my cheeks. "Wish you could meet Matt. I bet you'd like him." And that's when it dawned on me, I had to take him to her. Never mind, I hadn't once visited her grave. My injuries from the accident had me laid up in hospital on the day of her funeral, and on the rare moment I had enough courage to walk up to the Cemetery, I never dared pass through those gates.

Zaire had tried on many an occasion and failed. No one asked that of me anymore.

My mum even offered to come with us and help me find Saffron's grave, but I only wanted Matt with me. She understood and described the location of her burial plot. Newer, lone graves tended to get grouped together on the left side of the church near a row of silver birch.

"There it is." A weight settled in the pit of my gut and my breaths quickened with each step closer. I squeezed Matt's hand and slowed my pace.

"It'll be okay." He switched the hand that held mine so he could wrap his arm around my waist and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. His gaze met mine when I glanced up, and his smile offered reassurance and solace from the sorrow I harboured.

My knees gave way when my feet touched the border of Saffron's grave. Or that's at least how it felt. Matt held me against him. I couldn't read her gravestone; silent tears streamed down my face. Guilt scratched on the outside of my soul, begging for a way in. I didn't want it to ruin my moment with her.

"I wanted you to meet her," I mumbled, breaking the silence in the church grounds.

He kissed my hair and rested his head on mine. "Thank you for sharing her with me." Matt stayed silent after that, giving me the time I needed to process standing in front of her.

"Did you know her greatest fear was to die young?"

I closed my eyes and hiccuped the sobs I held in, my hand over my mouth. A song of pain and loss chorused with the gusting wind, chaotically whipping around us only to drop moments later in an eerie stillness.

"Have you ever heard of what Buddhists think of death?" Matt whispered against my scalp when he realised I was frozen to the spot.

The subtle shaking of my head was the only indication that I was listening.

"To them, life is like a wave in the ocean. It has a beginning, an end, and everything in between is unique to that wave: size, beauty, how long it will last, how it lights up when the sun hits it just right. When it crashes on the shore, you think it's gone forever, but it hasn't. The water is still there, just no longer a wave." Matt hugged my back to his front as he spoke, his breath warming my neck.

"Saffron was your wave. You can't see her now, but she's not gone." He grabbed my hand and placed it over my heart. "She lives in here."

At his words, I spun in his arms and buried my face in his chest. I could finally breathe.

When Saffron died, I was merely a glass figurine that had been dropped from a height and had fragmented on impact, pieces of myself lost in the fall. I was slowly learning to collect the shards to piece them together. But Matt was fast becoming the epoxy to smooth it all over and hold them in place.

"Thank you for being here with me," I said, my voice muffled in his coat.

"It's nothing. I'm proud of you." He combed my hair back with his fingers and kissed my forehead.

"We can go eat now," I added after composing myself. The little time we spent there had been draining, even if it was needed.

"Only if you're sure. No rush."

"I'm sure. I'll come back to see her." I removed the photo I found in my room from my pocket, placed it in a plastic wallet and left it under a stone on her grave. "Sweet dreams, Saffy. I'll see you soon."

***