During our Sunday lunch at Zaire's house, my dad told everyone about my plans of taking breaks from my own anxiety by facing another fear. My best friend laughed until he realised he was serious. He sat there silent while I reeled off some of the information I had gathered over the week and described my zip wire jump with Matt.

His amusement turned into curiosity and as soon as he finished his last mouthful of food, he grabbed my wrist and dragged me to his room. We spent the rest of the afternoon making phone calls and booking ourselves onto a group rafting session.

Although there was a centre close by, Zaire insisted it wouldn't be large enough or even crazy enough to fulfil my need for a rush of adrenaline and booked us on one in Wales. We argued over having to drive four hours away merely to make me happy, but he defended that it was as much for him as it was for me.

Excitement grew in the pit of my stomach as we looked through all the images of the Welsh countryside and the natural white water rapids. The feeling only increased when Zaire rang Matt to add him to our reservation.

And that's how I found myself, standing in front of my house at five in the morning, the following Saturday. The rucksack on my back was filled with my warmest clothes and swimsuit. My mum had left an extra fluffy blanket by my shoes and a note to tell me not to catch a cold. The hearts scribbled around the edges softened any sharpness in her words.

I draped the blanket over my folded arms and held it close to my chest, shielding me from the bitter morning air. Harsh car lights shone down the quiet street of my neighbourhood, and my insides buzzed from all the anticipation. Rocking on the balls of my feet, I waited for them to park up before I made my way down.

CeCe, who was added to our booking at the last minute so I wouldn't be sharing a room alone, sat in the front of Zaire's car. When Zaire had put the idea past me, I froze and was ashamed to admit a small part of me wished she couldn't make it. We spoke at length about their relationship, but he promised they were nothing more than friends. His assurance eased my worries about him moving on so quickly from Saffron.

I was busy admiring the lilac headscarf she used to tie her tight curls away from her face when the backdoor opened and Matt came shuffling out. He filled out his black jumper with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows, and dark jeans, perfectly. His tousled hair fell over his forehead and those whiskey eyes locked on mine the moment he got out. I could no longer describe my nerves as butterflies. No, they were more like lions roaring in my chest.

Matt and I had only seen each other briefly after our weekly group therapy session, and neither one of us mentioned the shift in our friendship from the previous Saturday night.

His hands initially behind his back, Matt held out a small jar in front of him, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. "This is for you."

I tilted my head to read the cursive writing on the label and narrowed my eyes. "Is that honey?" The corners of my mouth turned up. Anyone could buy flowers, but Matt wasn't anyone.

"Yeah, you said you loved it." He took a step forward and put the jar in my open palms, brushing his fingers over my knuckles as he did.

"No one's ever bought me honey before," I laughed and Matt followed suit. He grabbed my bag off my shoulder and placed it in the boot, all while I stared down at his thoughtful gift. My pulse quickened when his own honey pools fixed back on me, waiting until I climbed into the backseat of Zaire's car.

"Morning people. Are we ready for Wales?" I shouted as I clambered in.

"Hey, this is for you." CeCe twisted round in her seat and handed over a takeaway cup from a coffee shop chain.

The aroma of fresh coffee blew into my face as I lifted the plastic lid to release some steam. "Thank you. That's really kind of you. Wow, two gifts already and it's still so early." The first sip of my drink flowed over my taste buds and down my throat. Closing my eyes for a second to enjoy the initial kick of caffeine, I missed Zaire lifting the pot of liquid gold nestled in my lap.

"He gave you honey?" Zaire chuckled to himself while turning it over in his palms. "What a soppy fucker!"

"Give that back. I happen to love it." I leaned over his seat, almost tipping my piping hot coffee down his neck, and snatched Matt's gift back.

"You're just jealous of my moves, mate," Matt said, buckling himself in beside me.

"Yeah, yeah. So jealous." Zaire checked his mirrors and the road before pulling out onto my street. "No funny business in the back. If I hear anything, I'm stopping this car." He smiled and winked, looking through the rearview mirror.

I scoffed and glanced out my window. "Promise, Dad." The orange glow from the streetlights illuminated a fraction of the view. I nestled back into the leather fabric and pulled my blanket up to my neck. I had barely slept the previous night from sheer excitement and my eyes stung as tiredness caught up with me. "Have you ever been rafting, CeCe?"

"I haven't. I'm quite scared about it, actually. Wonder how cold the water is. Have you?"

"Bloody freezing, I bet. I haven't done it either," Matt chimed in.

"A first for all of us. Can't wait. The videos look sick," Zaire added.

I rested my head on the door, the glass cool against my forehead. "I'm nervous as well but should be lots of fun."

With Matt close by, my heart beat erratically in my chest. I sneaked a quick peek his way, but his eyes were already on me, catching me out. I felt queasy and jittery sitting there. Four hours in a tight space with our friends listening in. I had so much I wanted to say, yet no words came to my mind. I placed my hand in the gap between us and returned to the limited view.

It only took seconds before his fingers interlaced with mine. The warmth from his touch spread up my arm and I yearned to crawl into his lap, to let his woody and mint scent wrap itself around me.

***

Matt held my hand for the entire drive to Wales. Even when I fell asleep halfway through the journey. I woke as we pulled into a gravel car park; the wheels crunched over the stones, echoing around us.

I yawned and rubbed any sleep out my eyes. CeCe and Zaire hummed along to a song on the radio, the beauty of CeCe's voice masked Zaire's out of pitch tune.

"Shit, Z, you sound awful," I joked. "Leave the singing to the pros."

Zaire let out a forced laugh, opened his car door and stood outside, breathing in the Welsh countryside air. "Wow, this place is stunning," he shouted back to us. CeCe walked around to his side and they both stared out at the river a few metres from them.

Matt loosened his grip, clenching and unclenching his fist repeatedly.

"Sorry for holding on so tight. Did I give you a dead hand?" I whispered as I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid across the seat to him.

He skimmed his knuckles over my cheek and dropped them to my thigh. "I didn't mind." His voice was so low, for my ears only, and I revelled in the intimacy of our closeness. Matt rubbed his thumb in circles over my jean-clad skin, sending a spark along my leg.

I moved closer and ran my fingers through the hair at his nape. "Look, Matt, about the other night, I–"

Zaire banged his fist on the roof above us three times, making me jump back from Matt. "Come on you two. We have a booking time to make."

We both laughed at my sudden fright and Matt gave my thigh a final squeeze. "Talk after?"

I nodded, and we slipped out, joining CeCe in the carpark. She adjusted her headscarf, removing it from her hair and wrapping the fabric into a turban to protect her curls. She faced the car window, using it as a mirror thanks to the glare from the sun. Zaire had made his way into the welcome centre in search of our guide.

He was right. The surrounding scenery was stunning. I removed my tight-knit jumper and threw it onto the backseat, the autumn morning warmer than expected. Letting the rays heat my skin, I stretched my arms above my head and took in the beauty of the area.

Beside the wooden café and centre, trees encircled us; some evergreen, keeping their lush green foliage, others painted in hues of reds, golds and burnt orange. We couldn't have been luckier with the location or the weather. Leaves danced from branch to ground as the gentle breeze helped them along the way.

Zaire popped his head back out the wooden cabin a few minutes later, calling us over to join him. Matt's arm brushed against mine the entire walk up and I smiled to myself. As we reached the reception desk, I slipped my hand in his and tucked them close to my side. When I glanced at him, a corner of his mouth raised up, his face brightened and my heart swelled under my rib cage.

After our full safety briefing, we were handed our pre-hired wetsuits and shown to the changing rooms to put them on over our swimsuits.

"Can you help do this zip up?" CeCe asked as she struggled to grab the pull extension. She stood on her tip-toes, jumping lightly on the spot.

"Come here. I have it," I chuckled as I zipped her up. "I love your swimsuit, by the way. That mint green is gorgeous against your skin."

"Thanks." She turned to me, her eyes cast to the floor. "Look, Bea. I know we don't know each other, yet. Can I call you Bea? Zaire does, so it's all I ever hear."

I nodded, wanting her to go on with her words. After my little talk with grandma Jossy, I couldn't push that side of me away any longer. It was about time I forgave the old Beatrice, and I could only do that if I let others use my name without flinching. I had confided in Helen during our weekly therapy session and she agreed it was the right first step to take.

"We don't know each other but I really want to. I hear so much about you from Zaire. I believe we could be friends if you gave me a chance."

"I'm really sorry if I came across like I didn't want to. It's just–"

"Saffron? I get it. I can't imagine what it must have been like losing her. I don't want to replace her."

My heart sank. The girl in front of me had been nothing but kind, and I hadn't shown her the welcome she deserved. It was never easy joining a new group of people and with my own problems occupying my mind, I'd brushed everyone else aside, yet they still stood by me.

"I'd like to get to know you too." I linked my arm in hers. "Let's start now. Are you as nervous about this as I am?"

She grabbed her bag off the floor and we headed for our meeting point. "Absolutely bricking it."

***

The four of us gathered around our raft, in our long-legged wetsuits, boots, buoyancy aids and orange helmets. Matt wrapped his arm over my shoulder as we listened to some final instructions before carrying the boat down some cement steps and small jetty into a calmer section of the river.

We were further away from the centre after a quick drive in a minibus. Our guide, James, stood behind and held on to the rope as we all climbed in; CeCe and myself at the front, Matt and Zaire next and James at the very back.

I gripped my plastic paddle like my life depended on it. James kicked the riverbank with his foot, propelling us into the white water. We rocked from side to side as our speed picked up, water spraying in our faces as we dipped down slight drops.

"Get down," our guide shouted in his thick Welsh accent when we reached steeper descents, forcing us into the footwells of the raft. CeCe and I bumped shoulders and clunked our helmets together.

The roar of the chaotic river swallowed Zaire's words as he joked with the guide about getting all the girls wet. CeCe rolled her eyes but smiled when the rest of us howled.

"Matt, stop touching my pole," Zaire shouted again over all the noise.

Opening my mouth to laugh, a wave splashed over us, causing me to choke. Matt moved up behind me, placed his hand on my back and smacked a few times until my breathing returned to normal. My nose stung as I exhaled some water through it.

"Keep paddling," James instructed on the sharp bends, the flow swift and powerful, making us stop when we approached a stone mass. "Paddles up."

The outer tube of our boat crashed against rocks, halting our progression for mere seconds before we were swept further down the torrents. Chords of soft light broke through the trees, glinting off the turquoise ribbon of water; a painting from nature, amplified by an orchestra of birds chirping, branches creaking, and the thundering of the rapids.

Fresh energy raced through me, and my face hurt. My worries soared down the river, far away from my raft. Even if they were waiting on the shore, I couldn't let them steal my moment from me. I screamed as hard as I could manage until my throat burned. Zaire copied my cry, followed by Matt and CeCe.

We stayed on the water for two hours. When we pulled our raft onto the green bank, my legs ached from our seated position and my arms were stiff. I unclasped the buckled on my helmet and lay down on the grass.

No one noticed the freezing temperature of the river until we were on dry land and the wind picked up. Zaire and Matt mentioned something about balls retracting into bodies, but I wasn't listening to their conversation.

I couldn't feel the cold, only warmth. My blood rushed through my veins, heating my skin. Placing my hand over my breastbone, I closed my eyes, feeling the pounding of my heart; my new drug of choice, adrenaline, finally taking over my body.

The smell of cedar and mint rolled over me, heightening my senses. I knew he was there, watching, without having to look up. Matt lay down by my side and placed his hand in mine. No words were spoken between us, but when I turned to gaze into his eyes, the message was clear and I couldn't stop myself as I pressed my lips against his.

***