This date would be my downfall. I had spent months building walls around myself, and they were quickly crumbling to the ground. Weak. I wouldn't drown in my guilt any longer. Saffron was dead and it was all my fault. Each step closer to the bar helped place another brick on my wall and as I imagined placing that last brick, my steps faltered.

Across the bar top, the bartender arranged a line of shots and set them alight. The counter radiated with the flames before a group of girls blew them out and downed the clear liquid. He flashed a dazzling smile as they disappeared towards the dance floor then looked my way. A warmth tingled through from my fingers to the hairs on my nape. For a split second, the amber hues in his irises bewitched me, not too dissimilar to the whiskey bottles on the shelf behind him.

If I had a type, he would be it with his strong jawline, messy yet styled black hair and neat stubble. His plump bottom lip jutted out as his upper lip curled and my stomach turned over as my mind raced to images of them brushing my skin.

This wasn't love at first sight but a bad case of lust and my body wanted, no needed, to act on its urges. I had planned on numbing myself with alcohol, but my mind was made up. Falling into his bed would calm the voices for the night.

Instinctively, I went to flick my blonde locks behind my shoulder and realised they were missing. After a short pause, I fluffed my darker hair up and sashayed to a barstool opposite him.

I had never seen the appeal in sculpted forearms until this moment. His muscles strained against his rolled-up sleeves, his deep olive complexion, popping against the crisp black of his shirt. He squeezed the juice of a lemon into a cocktail and ran the fruit along the edge of the glass before discarding it under the bar.

I scooted forward in my chair to get his attention, but he moved on to serve a group of rowdy men. When he was done with them, I shuffled along, hoping he would finally pay me some attention. He briefly looked my way and asked the blonde bombshell, next to me, what she wanted to drink. Rude! She had only just arrived, and I knew he had seen me.

As I huffed, his lips twitched in an almost smile. He glanced over once more as he set her drink down and served the person on the other side of me.

"Oh, for goodness' sake! Who do I have to blow to get a drink in this place?" I muttered.

His shoulders bounced up and down as he tapped on the touch screen of his cash register.

The bartender smiled, the corners of his mouth this time reaching his ears, as he turned back towards me and as I went to speak, someone brushed their hand along my arm.

"Is this seat taken?"

I shook my head and froze as I came face to face with a mistake I wasn't willing to repeat.

"Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" he asked as he pulled the barstool out and sat next to me. "Yeah, I do. Hair is different, and that but didn't we meet at The Black Horse pub last week? Yeah, we did. I wouldn't forget those eyes." He glanced down to the scar on my cheek as he brushed his blond hair off his forehead. It wasn't my eyes that gave me away.

I instinctively placed my hand over my cheek and gave him a weak smile. "Yep, that was me."

"Didn't think I'd bump into you again. You just vanished that night. I went for a piss, came out and you were gone. Didn't even leave me your number." He circled my wrist with his fingers and stroked the underside with his thumb. "We had fun, didn't we? Fancy a repeat?"

No, I didn't. My number one rule was never to sleep with the same person twice. That way I wouldn't get attached or get hurt. I couldn't afford to make any exceptions. I'd learnt a long time ago if I went straight for their ego, they wouldn't come near me again.

I wiped his hand off my arm and stood up. "Look, isn't that better than you trying to get rid of me the next morning? And before you go around asking people for repeats, maybe you should guarantee the other person has an orgasm before you fall asleep." My face gave nothing away but inside, my heart sank at my harshness.

The blonde bombshell laughed at my comment, and Mr One-night stand's eyes grew wide. He held his hands up as he walked to the far end of the bar, muttering about what a bitch I was.

Sexy barman shook a cocktail shaker and poured its contents into a tall glass. He slid the creamy coffee-coloured drink in front of me.

"What's this? I haven't ordered anything yet."

"Well, it looked like you could use a screaming orgasm," he deadpanned in an irresistible Australian accent, his gaze locked on mine. I barely took his words in as I let his husky voice wash over me. He couldn't get any more attractive if he tried. Then he winked ruining the moment.

"Slightly cocky," I snapped, tracing the base of the glass with my finger.

"Chill out. It's just a drink." He pointed towards the cocktail and laughed. "It's vodka, Bailey's, coffee liqueur and milk."

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not vegan or lactose intolerant," I giggled and returned his wink. A flush crept up my neck as I mentally facepalmed myself. Stupid. I couldn't simply say thank you?

He flashed a set of perfect white teeth as he smiled down at me and my stomach did somersaults. "What did that poor guy do to deserve that shutdown?"

I glimpsed over to 'One-night stand' who was already chatting up a sultry redhead. His hand twisted around her waist, and hers rested on his chest.

"He'll live." I took a sip of my drink and moaned. Delicious and deadly. I could easily drink these all night. My lips curled over the rim of the glass as sexy barman stepped closer to the counter. My knees weakened and if I wasn't sat down, I would have no doubt fallen to the ground.

"Cold. He looks heartbroken," he laughed, and I joined in when we spied the redhead wrapped around him.

"I saw you walk in with Zaire. I'm Matt." He held out his hand for me to shake and after staring at it for a minute, I took it. An electric current shot through my palm as I held on to his for longer than deemed appropriate.

"Trixie."

"Well, nice to meet you, Trixie. So Zaire–"

"Friend. Just my friend. More like a brother actually," I stumbled.

"I was going to say, Zaire said we're all having a lock in to celebrate someone's birthday. Will you be there?"

"Oh." A small laugh escaped my mouth. "Yeah. I'll be there."

A couple of guys waved him over and before he took their order, he leant in, placing his hand close to mine. His fingers brushed the tips of my own fingers, and my breath hitched. "Glad to know he's just a friend."

I screwed my nose up when he walked away. "Like a brother?" I said in a mocking tone to myself and sipped my drink while I kept my eyes on each of Matt's movements. I nursed my drink knowing if I wanted anything to happen with him, I shouldn't let alcohol influence my decisions.

***

The music blaring through hidden speakers stopped and a mellow voice announced the first song from the live band. Sweet vibrations from a piano resonated through the room as conversations faded into the background. A voice similar to the one that spoke previously sang tales of lost love and broken hearts. Each note twisted and knotted through my body. Goosebumps raised on my skin, and my vision blurred.

Warmth covered my shoulders as Zaire draped his arm over them.

"How many cocktails have you had since I left? Are you drunk?" He dropped his eyes to mine.

"What?" I sniffled as the first tear escaped down my cheek. I wiped it away as quickly as it fell. "No. Her voice is incredible. Who is she?" Her smooth skin, a few shades darker than Zaire's, contrasted beautifully against her pale yellow sixties style dress.

Zaire stared straight at her, captivated by her rich brown eyes that were set on him. "CeCe," he breathed out. He shook his head and looked down at me with a lopsided grin. My gut tightened. I knew that look. It was always meant for Saffron, and here he was gifting it to a stranger on his girlfriend's birthday.

I straightened up and moved forward so he had to drop his arm. Unease settled in the air.

"Is she new?"

He shrugged. "She's been here a handful of times." He turned to the bar and placed his hands on the worktop. "Hey, Matt. Can I get a vodka lime soda and a JD and coke?"

"Sure thing, man. JD and coke for your ugly mug-" he set the tumbler down in front of Zaire-, "and one vodka lime soda for the breathtakingly beautiful Trixie."

Matt made my preferred choice of poison and brushed my fingers as he handed it over. A whole swarm of butterflies took flight in my stomach and erupted through my throat.

I was still spellbound by Matt when Zaire burst out laughing and whispered into my hair.

"You went with Trixie? Really?" He bit his fist to muffle his hyena-like grunts. "Is that after the Drag Queen or stripper?" He nudged my side as he chuckled to himself and took a swig from his drink.

I punched Zaire in his chest and hid my face into his arm. "Shut up," I whisper-yelled and returned to Matt with a goofy grin. "Thank you, kind sir." And then curtseyed.

I fucking curtseyed at the hottest guy to cross my path.

Zaire laughed at my expense as my cheeks heated from the flames of my embarrassment, but Matt copied my actions, calming my unease.

***

A bunch of old and new employees from the speakeasy and a few of our old nursing colleagues gathered in a circle, holding a shot glass of Saffron's favourite drink, a purple hooter.

'The Basement' called last orders over thirty minutes ago and we waited for all our friends to make their way into the back room of the club. Matt stood to my right; Zaire to my left.

Each one of us took turns recounting our favourite memories of the birthday girl and as I scanned the room, anxiety slowly crept back into my pores.

Three people were ahead of me. My mind went blank and I couldn't think of anything to say. Yet I knew Saffron the most.

"—this firecracker bounced onto the ward as if she'd worked there for years. Everyone loved seeing that gorgeous smile, and the patients adored her."

My heart sank as our senior nurse recalled back to Saffron's first day as a qualified nurse. She would never get another chance to walk through the doors of Stonefield Hospital.

Zaire placed his hand over mine, stopping me from scratching my arm. I felt Matt scrutinising the side of my face. Blood rushed to my ears, and I cast my eyes to the floor as my breathing quickened.

The next person spoke, but their voice was muffled as I fought with my emotions.

When Zaire spoke, my head snapped up. I was next. Clenching and unclenching my free fist, I prayed his words wouldn't be my undoing.

His whole face lit up as he remembered the first time he laid eyes on her, their first date, the few years they spent as lovers. He looked heavenward and sighed. "Happy birthday, my love." When his gaze turned to mine, tears shimmered in his eyes. "Your turn."

I let out a large breath as I fought back my own tears. "Saf was–, Saf is my best friend and–" I gasped for air. The room spun around me and I struggled to find a fixed point to focus on. "Sorry. I can't fucking do this." I shoved my shot glass over to Matt and ran to the toilet. Once inside a cubicle, I locked the door and slid to the floor.

I clawed at my chest as a rush of heat rolled over my skin. Sweat dripped down my back and black dots danced in front of me. I took short, shallow breaths as the cubicle walls closed in on me.

The main door of the restroom slowly creaked open and hesitant footsteps neared the door my back pressed up against. "Trixie, can I come in?" Matt's question was met with silence. "I have some water."

I forced myself to take longer and deeper breaths as I squeezed my eyes shut, clearing my mind as much as possible. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"That's it breathe. Humour me for a second. Tell me five things you can see." Matt slid down to the floor, his voice close to my head.

I opened my eyes and replied with the first thing I saw. "My knees."

"That's it. What else?"

I hesitated as I battled the waves of despair. The knife in my heart twisted with each movement. "My hands, walls, my bracelet–" I twirled a charm on the silver chain with shaking fingers–, "and a dirty toilet."

Matt let out a soft laugh. "Great. Now four things you can touch and touch them for me."

"My bracelet, my hair, the door handle–" I stood up and opened the door not wanting to touch anything else in that box–, "and you." I rested my hand on his shoulder as he rose to his feet. My fingers brushed up and down his collar as I avoided his gaze.

"Three things you can hear."

I inched closer. "The dripping tap, the music outside and your breathing." I focused on the subtle rhythm of his chest rising and falling.

"Two things you can smell?" His voice dropped an octave, and I closed my eyes as hot air fanned my face.

"Whiskey and mint." I leant into him and sniffed the collar of his shirt. A new kind of heat curled down my spine.

"And last one, taste," Matt murmured as he slid both his hands down my sides on to my hips, anchoring me into place.

I bit my lip and scanned the room. "Nothing edible in here, unless I eat some soap," I joked and shrugged my shoulders. My gaze dropped to his lips as he licked them. My flesh tingled as my anxiety left my body.

I lowered my head to rest in the crook of his neck and clutched onto his shirt. "How did you do that? I was suffocating. It usually takes longer for the calm to return."

"Little trick I picked up over the years. Comes in handy from time to time." Matt ran one hand around my lower back; his other one came to rest in my hair. "You still haven't tasted anything. I brought your leftover shot in. Want it?"

I moved in closer. "Not yet. Can you hold me a little longer?"

Matt tightened his hold around my waist and hummed a soft melody into my ear. I had no idea how long we stayed in there or why Zaire never sought me out but for the first time in months, my thoughts weren't as dark and scary.

***