-AMANDA’S POV-

Weeks passed, the feelings returned, the depression returned, everything returned when Devon did. Everything went back to the fucked up normal I was used to, and in a way I wished Devon would just leave again. I was depressed now, annoyed, heartbroken because now I knew the truth.

Devon was in love with Rachel, not me.

She would never love me, she wasn’t gay, the only reason she would ever love me would be because I was just like Rachel… and I couldn’t accept that.

Could I?

Another thing that was bothering me, the dreams, they were back, more vivid and realistic then ever. I still didn’t understand them… and Devon helping me figure it out was out of the questions because, well…

I had moved out.

I moved back with my parents, I was still going to school of course, but leaving… well I needed to. I thought maybe if I was away from Devon like when she left me I would return to normal but I was wrong.

I was so, so wrong.

It had gotten worse, the dreams, the emotions, the looks, everything had just gotten out of hand. I felt closer to my parents of course, but it was like I was losing who I was. Like I was losing who I used to be, I was so different, and my parents were noticing, questioning me constantly…

But moving back was not an option.

I thought being roomies with Devon was going to be cool, but it was a complete disaster. My life was turned upside down, everything altered when I met her…

And I still didn’t get why.

I was sitting on my bed, laptop in que, and I began to wonder… there was a connection between me and Rachel. I needed to get to know Rachel a little better know, I needed to figure out what we had in common and why…

So I google-ed her.

Rachel Lee Kidder, 1994-2012, Facebook Profile, About Me:

-Class of ‘12!

-Yes, I am gay, so don’t ask.

-“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain” - Bob Marley

-I have the awesome-est best friend in the world, Devon Hall, she’s been through thick and thin with me and I would want no one else to experience it with.

-If I had to pick a favorite food, it would have to be my mom’s Lasagna.

-I play guitar, write music, and sing. Don’t judge me before you hear me.

-Julliard in the Fall!

That’s all they had, then I moved to her pictures, her favorite food… well that was my favorite to.

How coincidental.

There were plenty of pictures with Devon in them, and I pulled a solo picture from her profile to my desk top. Then I took one of mine and split page it with Rachel’s, writing down all of the similarities.

-Eyes

-Hair

-Lips

-Boobs

-Hips

That’s when I noticed something, everything that had changed about me… those were the things that changed. Eyes, hair, lips, boobs, and hips…

I felt my heart ache, something wasn’t adding up.

The night of the crash… the night of graduation… there was something bigger going on here that I wasn’t seeing.

No ones body starts changing at the age of 18... No, that wasn’t possible. Not in my case anyway. I had developed fully by my Freshmen year in Highschool… I had stopped growing my Sophomore year…

This didn’t make sense…

The song that I wrote with Trevor, Devon had claimed it was exactly like Rachel’s, but that was impossible. Me and Trevor had written it, and there was no way Trevor had written the exact same chorus either…

It just wasn’t possible.

Sure, the verse was the same, the exact same to be correct… but it just didn’t seem possible… But Devon wouldn’t lie about that… she would never bring Rachel up unless it really hurt her…

She the song was the same…

We looked the same, we played guitar… but why? What was the connection?

Rachel died… but even though she died, I didn’t change.

When did I start to change? I tried to think back, me and Nelson had started falling apart after the accident… but that wasn’t because of Rachel’s death, that was because he had to go through therapy and depression…

So when did it really start?

I felt my head start to throb, and I winced, but I wasn’t giving up again. No, I needed answers this time…

I thought hard, when did I start to turn into someone I wasn’t…? I felt the headache grow and I wanted to scream, this wasn’t going to give up…

I started to change… when? College… it happened when I went to college… Orientation?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks again…

Just like when I saw Devon for the first time.

Then I blacked out.

***

I was in a car, the movement was spectacular, I looked toward the drivers seat but once again… it was empty. Nothing but a dark mist… absent.

I was alone in the car.

So why were we speeding?

I looked out the windshield, seeing the yellow lines move at a speed to where they merged, forming one constant like.

Then we started crossing it.

I yelled, I wanted the car to stop, but it refused. It just picked up speed. We were going to wreck again! I looked up, seeing the headlights, I screamed, and then I felt the sting for a bit…

Then I was out of the car, looking down, seeing the horrific wreck. I saw my body, Nelson’s next to mine…

How come I couldn’t see the driver in the car? Now that I was out of the car I could see everything… and I looked into the other truck.

There was Trenton, his face covered in blood… and then I saw Rachel… but that was… me. I was Rachel…

Then I started moving away from my body, was I dead? I screamed, “No! I don’t want to die!”

I tried to go back to my body, Rachel’s body, but I couldn’t… it wasn’t possible. I watched her fade, like she was disappearing with the wind…

No… I was dead.

Then I was flying, flying so fast into nowhere… Where was I going? I going so fast, and I realized I was approaching Amanda’s still body. Her eyes were closed, I was going to run straight into her!

I slammed into her body, feeling pain all over me, and I screamed.

***

I flew up, opening my eyes, I was panting, sweating… what the fuck…

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks… and as I tried analyzing the dream… I started forgetting it.

No… I couldn’t forget this! No, this was important!

I grabbed a notebook, starting to jot down the dream but when I put the pen to the paper… I could remember jack shit.

I slammed my fist down onto the table, this was not fucking happening.

I threw the notebook across the room, slamming back into my bed.

How was I ever going to figure out myself if I couldn’t remember anything when I was being told the answer?