-DEVON’S POV-

I needed to be honest with Amanda, and telling her that I was hurting because I was in love with Rachel… my dead best friend was the best way to start. She needed to know why I got away, lying to her wasn’t fair, and I hoped she was being honest with me.

I just needed time to make sure if that was the answer.

Amanda was just staring at her hands, I urged her, “So what did you have to tell me?”

She shook her head weakly, “N-Nothing… it’s not important anymore…”

I felt my heart ache, Did what I tell her offend her? I wouldn’t think that she cared… but she looked so… broken.

“Amanda… talk to me.”

She looked at me, “So you think you loved Rachel, and now what?”

“So now I move on, I just… I miss her. I miss everything about her Amanda… but it’s just different. It’s like I can’t move on… because trust me, I want to. I just… can’t, and I don’t know why. I thought it was because of you, and it kind of is… but I can’t avoid you forever to. I can’t just keep running from things that start to hurt me… I have to face them, you know?”

I didn’t know where that came from, but it was the damn truth. It even made me tear up a little, and it caught Amanda’s attention. “So you can’t move on because of me? Because I look to much like her..?”

I sighed, she knew that she resembled Rachel, but it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t understand it, just like I didn’t get it either. I knew I loved Rachel, and it hurt, but now I had to figure out how to fix me and Amanda’s situation… because I couldn’t lose her to.

Then all of a sudden, my hand moved to her face, brushing a strand of her reddish brown hair that was exactly like Rachel’s. I was compelled to kiss her, but I remembered this wasn’t Rachel, it was Amanda, “Don’t blame yourself… because there’s nothing you willingly did.”

She shook her head, “But I’m not making it any easier for you Devon, I know it’s hurting you, for me to look like her. I can see it, you loved her… and I’m gonna remind you of that every time you see me.”

I nodded, it was true, everything she said, but it didn’t change how I felt. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t dye her hair that color, she wasn’t wearing contacts to have those eyes, it was all just some freak occurrence.

“But I know you’re not Rachel, Amanda.”

She nodded weakly, “Yea… I know.”

I stood, “So are we ok?”

She looked at me, still seeming a little hurt, “You didn’t show up to my show.”

I looked down, I still felt guilty for that… but I just didn’t think I was ready. To watch her play on stage next to Trevor, reminding me of Rachel.

“I guess that’s a no…”

She stared at me, trying to read me, trying to see something to help her understand what was going on inside me, but she couldn’t. “Yea… we’re ok.”

She stood and I approached her, “That doesn’t sound to convincing…”

“I’m still hurt, if that’s what you’re asking… but I understand. You needed to help yourself… it’s fine Devon.”

I sighed, she was still hurting, I hated seeing her like this… and it was all my fault. I grabbed her hand, “Let’s have a movie night… something. I want to make it up to you, for me leaving.”

She nodded, “Ok, sounds good.”

***

We were laying in my bed, watching “The Notebook” and I could see Amanda wasn’t interested in it. I loved the movie though, and I wanted to make her feel better.

I just wasn’t sure how.

I sat up, looking at her, “Wanna watch something different?”

She shook her head, “No… I just wanna lay here.”

I tried to see what was wrong, and I jut couldn’t find it, “Amanda…”

“I’m, fine… just tired. That’s all.”

I leaned back down, a little closer to her this time, and I felt her heart beat pick up, “Well wake up, it’s just 9:30.”

She looked at me, shrugging, “I know…”

I sighed, she wasn’t giving in, I smiled, pulling her up, “C’mon, lets go get some hot chocolate from The Lounge… something. I just want to cheer you up…”

She looked at me, just staring, then she smiled, “Ok.”

I pulled her up and we slipped on jackets, The Lounge was just down the street and maybe I could get her to open up to me tonight. Since she didn’t for lunch today.

“So how was it when I was gone?”

She looked down, walking side by side with me, “Um… lonely, really.”

I felt my heart fall, “Anything happen? Samantha? Trevor?”

Her mood seemed to switch when I mentioned Samantha… and I was curious. Did she try anything again on Amanda? Poor thing… I felt so bad. Samantha was crazy, well that’s what my classmates told me… the fact that she was trying to get with Amanda constantly just proved them right.

She never spoke, but I knew I had struck a nerve.

“Samantha?”

She shook her head, “She just… nothing. It’s nothing. She showed up at the show though, and we kind of fought… I cursed her out and everything…”

Wow. I never would’ve thought Amanda to be the one to do that… maybe she was having a harder time then I thought…

“What did she do…?”

She looked away as we walked into The Lounge, “She just… she pissed me off. I’ve had enough of her being crazy about me… I guess I just… snapped.”

I looked at the waitress, “Two hot chocolates please,” then my focus was back on Amanda, “Anything else?”

She shook her head, “She hasn’t tried talking to me since…”

“Is that a good thing?”

She shrugged, “I’m hoping…”

We were given our hot chocolate and we started back to the dorms, I was worried about Amanda. She was still sad, lost in her own little world… and I was trying to make it better… I just didn’t know how.

Then I grabbed her hand.

I looked at her, her eyes found mine, she was shocked, then she spoke, “Why are you holding my hand?”

“Because I feel like it’s the only thing I can do to show you I’m sorry…”

She squeezed my hand, and then she slipped it out of mine, and my heart fell.

“It’s not.”