When I saw her my heart immediately dropped, she looked healthy again, she looked ok… and her eyes lingered on mine for quite some time.

Then I remembered that she had ignored me for two fucking weeks.

The rage in my chest burned, and I turned away from her, mumbling, “Hey,” and then going to my closet. Deciding I was going take a shower to just get away from her before I hit her.

I grabbed sweats and a loose T shirt out of the closet and made my way to the door, but Devon caught my eye. She was standing, in nothing but a overly long T shirt, her blonde waves falling over her shoulders and to her chest.

I pulled my eyes away quickly, “Going shower.”

Then I was out the door, feeling my heart hurt more and more I walked away from her. I was mad at her, so mad… but she looked so amazing, to amazing for me to stay mad. I was right about the feelings, they were back, they were there immediately when I realized it was her sitting on her bed. Those eyes, her smile… her voice…

God it sounded so amazing to hear her voice again.

But like I said, I was still hurt, and upset over what she did to me. It was selfish, but maybe if I calmed myself down enough to ask her why she did it… I would understand.

I decided to take my time in the shower, even though I found myself becoming eager to see Devon. I wanted to talk to her even though I was still hurt, I wanted to hear her voice… and maybe how much she missed me while she was gone.

I wanted to know why she avoided me, left out of nowhere… if anything had changed…

If she still even liked me anymore.

I started back to the room, the nervousness creeping up every step I took. Devon looked so sexy in that T shirt… and I wondered if she knew the affect it had on me.

I know she caught my eyes when I was about to leave to go shower… but does she pay any mind to it?

All the thoughts and memories were back, the emotions and feelings… they all returned with Devon. I wondered, were all the flashbacks and horrid dreams also going to return?

I didn’t want to dream about dying anymore… but I couldn’t stop them. Was my head trying to tell me something? And if so, what?

I opened the door, seeing Devon laying down on her bed, and I climbed into mine, feeling sad already. I knew she wasn’t going to curl up next to me, and I hated thinking that. I wanted her to climb in next to me, I missed feeling her next to me…

I pulled the covers up to my neck, I knew Devon was looking at me, but I refused to say anything. I didn’t want to talk to her right now, to afraid I might say something I might regret because I was so angry. I waited for Devon to make a noise, something to get my attention, but she never did.

She knew I was hurting.

***

I woke up to the sun shining into my room, the rays of light hitting my barely open eyes. It was Saturday morning, I knew that for sure, but Devon… well her coming home… was that a dream?

I stirred, going to face her bed when her bare body caught my view. She was changing in her closet, her back facing me.

My eyes lingered on her back, traveling to her butt as she slipped on a bra and a shirt.

She had the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.

She went to turn around and I shit my eyes quickly, pulling the covers over my head.

Then her voice rang out, “You awake?”

I stirred, groaning and pretending I was just waking up, “Yes, now.”

She was standing next to my bed now, her body was now covered with a cute outfit and her blue eyes met mine. She smiled slightly, “Wanna go get some lunch?”

I sat up slowly, shrugging, “I guess.”

She moved away from me as I got out of my bed and picked out an outfit to wear. I was waiting for her to pop the question but she was avoiding it as of now. Maybe when we got to where we were going she would ask, but I wasn’t looking forward to it.

Sure I had wanted to tell her how much she hurt me, but now that she was here… well, I wasn’t sure I wanted to upset her.

But she had hurt me, and she needed to know that.

She grabbed her keys, “I’ll drive?”

I shrugged once more, not giving her any words this time and followed her out of the building. I took my place in the passenger seat of her car and pulled out my phone, I wanted to tell Trevor, Devon was back.

As I typed Devon spoke, “Not up for words?”

My eyes met the window, seeing the city pass as we drove, “No not really.”

She sighed heavily, “Please Amanda… talk to me.”

She had sadness in her voice, along with desperation, and finally I let my eyes meet hers. They were sad, so sad, and I felt horrible all of a sudden just looking at her, “Devon… you don’t understand… What you did to me, it was fucked up, and I’m hurt ok?”

She pulled into the parking lot, putting her car in park, “How is it fucked up?”

“You completely ignored me for two weeks! No calls, no texts, nothing. You could’ve been dead for all I knew and you expect me to forgive you for that? When you show up out of fucking nowhere?”

Her eyes fell to her steering wheel, and she knew I had made a point. She sighed, “I know… I just, I needed to figure out who I was again. With you… it’s hard. That’s why I ignored you.”

“You think that makes it better?”

“No but I AM better Amanda! Can’t you see that I needed to get away from you?”

I opened the door, “Fine, then stay away from me.”

Then I slammed it shut, starting down the street and back to the dorm. She didn’t understand that I was fucked up to, I was hurting just like her… I just didn’t understand why. Yes, Rachel had died. Yes, I resembled her a lot more then I knew, but that wasn’t my fault.

Why did she have to get away? Because she loved me? I doubted the thought, but maybe, just maybe, it was true.

But she wouldn’t love me for Amanda, she would love me because I resembled Rachel so much.

I heard Devon behind me, “Amanda!”

I didn’t want to turn around, she just didn’t understand how much she hurt me. She didn’t care, I knew she didn’t. Why should I care? When she didn’t give a fuck that she was killing me. Why did it hurt so bad anyway?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I was spun around, Devon inches away from me. Her lips were near mine, and she stared into my eyes, my breath caught in my throat.

Then she backed away, “Please… I didn’t mean it like that…”

I felt the tears sting my eyes, “Yea you did. You know you did, Devon.”

She looked at me, she could see I was hurting, then she finally came to the realization. “Mt leaving did this to you?”

I rolled my eyes, flinging out my hands, “Obviously!”

Tears started rolling down my cheeks but I made no crying sounds, choking them down and sucking it up.

She grabbed my hand, “Can we just go somewhere to talk?”

I looked at our hands and I nodded weakly, “Y-Yea.”

She noticed my reaction to our conjoined hands and she let go quickly, starting toward the park a little down the sidewalk. We walked in silence, and I didn’t know what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she wanted to talk about her time away, and what she possibly figured out about herself. What if she told me that she loved me? What if she knew that I was secretly in love with her?

She sat on a bench, indicating for me to sit next to her. I suddenly became nervous, and I wanted to hold her hand… I was still mad, but I still wanted her.

She sighed, “While I was away… I had a lot of time to think.”

I caught my breath, Was she going to tell me she loved me? That she’s accepted it? I nodded, “Me to.”

She locked eyes with me, “And being away from you… well it hurt.”

I smiled at that, at lease she still had a heart. I nodded, “It hurt me to, obviously enough.”

“I’m sorry… but I really needed to do it, Amanda. And since I’ve been away… I’ve been thinking I need to tell you something.”

My heart dropped, oh God, was she going to come out to me? I nodded, “I need to tell you something to… but go first.”

She looked at me, “Amanda… the reason I left was because I needed to think about the way I was feeling.”

I swallowed, and she continued.

“Amanda… I think the night Rachel died… when she confessed that she was in love with me… I realized, I was in love with her to.”

Well shit.