Don't look down. Don't look down. You can do it, Elodie, just...

Don't.

Look.

Down.

My eyes trace back and forth between my breakfast options. They strain and become sore with each fighting movement.

Okay, instant breakfast or cereal.

I start drawing the pros and cons list in my head.

Both need milk. One is fast in a cup and out the door but not exactly filling. Cereal, something I can eat for dinner because cereal for dinner is amazing, but you also have to eat it fast, so you don't end up eating soggy cereal.

I gag.

That thought did it for me.

Soggy cereal is the worst.

I grab the chocolate-flavored instant breakfast only for my way too big traitorous eyes to betray me by looking down, and just like that, an ugly sob comes out of my mouth. The woman next to me looks at me with unsure what to do eyes.

Whereas my eyes are locked on and the tears start rolling and soon... I'm bawling my eyes out in the middle of a Piggily Wiggly. People stare at me, some with concern, some with bewilderment.

I'm not talking about cute sobbing. I'm talking ugly, open-mouthed, loud, deaf defying sobs. It's so bad that the woman next to me runs away.

What caused this?

Boost.

The drink they had told me to give my dad every morning and night, along with oatmeal he would barely touch.

My bangs stick to my wet lashes, and I shove my thick scarf into my swollen, crying face so that the world can't see how broken I am. Everything in me is raw and that gaping hole I've tried to cover up with the busyness of life these past two weeks rips open and swallows me.

I've had no time to really grieve or process everything. I don't want too either. In fact, I refuse.

My knees crack as I crouch down with my face still in my scarf as my insides are torn to shreds. Every time I get swallowed into this pit I have to fight and claw my way through the darkness. I'm learning that no matter how often I make it out, the grief will devour me again and again. My fear is that one day it will consume me.

My knees hurt from my weight, and I try taking in deep even breaths to settle me.

I can do this.

I can climb out of this hole.

Gathering myself up, I wipe some tears from my eyes with my scarf most likely smearing my mascara all over it and my face.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need help?" A middle-aged guy with a little girl in his arms asks.

I step back a little and my deep voice cracks as I try to make a joke out of my breakdown. "Oh, no sorry, just a college girl worrying too much about the new school year is all." I curtsy like a weirdo. "Thank you so much though. Your daughter is adorable."

Trying to escape, I smash into the massive middle island of chips. They all start falling down around me. I become the vintage Donkey Kong Arcade game where I'm Mario trying to dodge the barrels the gorilla is throwing at me, but instead of barrels, it's bags of Doritos.

Cool Ranch.

Nacho Cheese.

Some kind of zesty crap.

I accept defeat and smoosh myself against the chips, stopping the middle row from falling, while letting the ones above me finish their downpour. I suck in a piece of my hair and begin to hack it out.

"So sorry." I cough. "I'm going to pick them all up. I swear!"

When the last Nacho Cheese falls right on my head, I quickly pick up the bags with employees coming to help me as I animatedly apologize. Once done I decide to hightail it out of there before I bring the whole store down.

Who needs milk anyways?

I do.

I need milk.

My fingers clutch the edge of my black dress and I pull it down as I race around people like I'm playing Mario Kart.

Hopefully, I don't slip on a banana peel.

My tights loosen around my kneecaps as I come to an abrupt stop at the line. I bury my face in my scarf like a turtle in its shell, hoping to shield myself from further embarrassment. I swipe at my thick bangs in an attempt to move them from poking my already stinging eyes, which burn and in turn make my contacts itch. I press my right palm into each one rubbing them even though I know it won't give me any relief and if anything, it makes it worse. I fist the edge of my long white sleeves and growl when I realize I got mascara all over it.

Great.

Add bleach to the list of grocery items I need but won't be getting today.

I readjust my basket trying to relieve the crook of my arm that hurts from the weight. By the time I reach the register it's aching uncontrollably. When I put my basket down my arm pulses then tingles but I ignore it and start scanning my small number of groceries.

"Hey! You're Elodie, right?" Startled, I turn around to see my RA.

I redden and again fist my long sleeves, pulling my arms across my chest. "Yeah," I sing awkwardly. "Uh, hey..."

"Heather." She reaches out her hand and I uncurl my fingers and slide my clammy palm into her cool one. Her smile lowers a little when she sees the aftereffects of my sobbing. "Are you okay?"

Swallowing, I go back to crossing my arms under my chest like it conjures up a protective barrier. I was already a wallflower before with all my quirks, but now with my dad gone and the grief I have to deal with, I'm socially confused.

I flick my hand in the air and chortle a little. "Um, yeah, I'm just going through some stuff. You know how it is with the new school year and all."

"Totally." She clears her throat and peers at me from the corner of her eye then takes a deep breath. "I saw what happened."

"Of course, you did." I laugh, completely mortified.

"I'm sorry you're probably so embarrassed but do you need help with anything? I've been there before."

"You've had public breakdowns and then smashed into an aisle of chips making them pour all over you?"

Her mouth twitches. "No, but trust me, I've done way worse."

Heather places her cart over to the side and starts helping me bag. I pay as she neatly puts my groceries away. "If you need someone to talk to my door is open."

My shoulders stiffen at the idea of talking with anyone, let alone a stranger. She's probably being nice and feeling like it's her job as an RA.

"Thanks." Our roles reverse and I help her.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who forgot stuff. I swear even if I make a list there's always something, right?!" She shoves her card in the slot and snorts.

"Yeah, I'm the type when I sit down and make a list my mind goes blank. I end up staring at the page trying to remember at least one thing."

She turns to me with a beaming smile. "God! I'm so glad I ran into you because all my friends say I'm a spaz or scatterbrain. It's nice to meet someone like me."

We walk out together, and Heather easily chats away, making our conversations effortless. "P.S. I love your outfit. Very Rachel Green."

"Oh, yeah, I guess I can see that."

"Seriously, you pull it off. I'd never be able to."

When I had first met Heather, she was busy running around introducing herself to all the girls moving in. She had been dressed in skinny jeans and a bright orange t-shirt that read .

She's not as reserved tonight and looks more like she belongs on the cover of a magazine. Her teal heels make her taller than me and her white jumper hugs her body in a very stylish, sophisticated way. Her amber hair is perfectly curled, and her nails are painted a matching teal. It's a sleek look and I have no doubt she'd be able to pull off my outfit way better than me.

"What do you have going on tonight?" she asks while digging through her purse for her keys.

"Nothing much."

"I have this scholarship thingy to go to, but later my friends and I are going out. You should come. You seem cool and like you could use the fun."

Is she asking me because she feels sorry for me?

The truth is I don't have a lot of friends here yet. Acquaintances yes, but no one I'd spill all my secrets to.

And I'm a sophomore.

My problem is I'd rather be in my dorm playing my old school Nintendo 64.

"That's super nice of you but I don't know if I'm up for it tonight."

Heather seems genuinely disappointed. "Another time then? I promise we don't do anything crazy."

"What's life like without a little crazy." I awkwardly sing out while pumping my hands up in the air and doing a divvy with my knees. Her brows lift in amusement. I clear my throat, "Sure another time."

I have to stop singing randomly.

Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.

She grabs her cart from me once she finds her keys. "Great. How about tomorrow? There's a big kick-off party at Jock Row celebrating the first day of classes and no worries, alcohol is scarce, and drugs not permitted. Unlike college movies, if we get caught with that crap, I'd lose my job and scholarship. Also, the guys would get kicked off the team. One selfie is all it takes. Not to say none of them don't get crazy or try to be daredevils. Anyway, what do you say?"

Well, she's talkative

And tenacious.

For some reason, she really wants me to come, despite my singing outburst. I'm about to say no but the black hole in my chest reminds me that distractions are good. Besides, I can find a nice corner to hide out in and use my scarf as camouflage.

"Sure."

Heather beams and stops walking. "Awesome! I can't wait for you to meet my girls. We're a fun bunch and I think you'll fit in great!"

"Thanks for inviting me." I point to my run-down car. "I'm right over there."

She throws her thumb behind her. "And I'm over here. Okay, so meet at my place around 7. You know where my room is right?"

"Yeah."

We part and I walk back to my car. I drive to campus and park in the sophomore student lot. I hate how far it is from the dorms and out in the middle of nowhere. Seems dangerous. But right now, the quiet tranquility and beautiful night sky are exactly what I need. My bags crinkle as I take them out of my car, and I look up at the stars dully trying to shine despite the lights.

Placing my bags on the ground, I walk to the hood of my car and sit. The breeze plays with my dark blonde hair making me tie half of it up with a scrunchie. My fingers try combing through the irritating knots that take me forever to brush out. I give up and let the wind play with it knowing it's a hopeless cause.

I have way too much hair.

Tonight, I don't care about the frizz or the tangles. I just need some peace, especially since I don't sleep well at night. Every time I go to lie down, even when I'm bone-tired, all I see is my dad's once full healthy face sunken and hollow.

It haunts me.

So, most nights I drink ample amounts of coffee or tea and play a game, read, or binge-watch something to get my mind off of it. Luckily, my roommate hasn't been around much this week.

Too busy partying at Greek Row.

In time I fall asleep for about two to three hours, waking up to heavy bags under my eyes that not even the highest quality concealer can cover-up.

Not that I use expensive concealer.

"Covergirl," I weirdly whisper out.

I take a deep breath and breathe out with a muffled chuckle. "God help me."

With my dad's passing, a lot of unsolved mysteries that I had figured I would one day learn, I've realized I may never know.

But right now, that's the least of my concern.

I have to focus on college and get a good teaching job so I can support myself. I had planned on dropping out and just finding a job, but dad made me promise him I'd finish because he knew it was what I wanted.

But how?

Before I went out shopping today, I had to stop by Coinstar.

For me, every cent counts.

If only I was smart enough to earn a scholarship.

I need to go back and look at my excel spreadsheet that I created for keeping track of my budget.

Groaning, I cup my hands over my ears as if my thoughts are actually speaking to me. My head throbs from all the constant pop-up issues that plague me every second of the day. They're eerily similar to those irritating ads you get on your phone.

Sighing, I jump off the hood of my car realizing even a beautiful night like this can't stop my mind from reeling. I grab my bags and decide to head back to my dorm for another sleepless night. I ignore my issues and grief deciding to sing a random theme song I made up for myself in my awkward and somewhat decent voice.

After a few minutes of walking, I realized... I took the wrong way to the dorms, that's for sure.

A party at the most popular fraternity house is well underway and extremely crowded as I continue my singing jaunt to the dorm. I've heard rumors about it.

All not good.

One girl got drugged, one raped, a hazing gone horribly wrong. Needless to say, I don't know how much is true, but I am contemplating taking the long route.

The place is jammed packed. People are filtering outside in order to get in as if the house were on the verge of imploding. Loud music echoes down the street and people loiter around. I look over at the other frat residences and notice all the lights are off. Everyone must be at the one I'm possibly about to walk past. I look back over at the party and see most of the people are now going inside.

Okay, not bad.

What's the harm in just walking by?

Straightening my posture, I give myself a pep talk. Doing what I always do to calm myself, I start to sing. My voice raises slightly so I can hear myself a little bit better.

I had been that kid who would sing a song in the back of the car then ask my dad to put it on... every song I sang was created from my brain.

There was no song.

My dad would still try to find it.

Looking to the ground I don't pay any attention to what's around me, only watching my feet as they take a step.

"One step and now I'm taking another, Ooofff—" I bump into something hard yet oddly soft, but it's so stabilized I bounce back and my singing falters as I squeak. A big hand touches my waist to steady me.

Crap I rammed into a person.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was..."

My words immediately die in my throat when my eyes lock onto incredibly dark dominating ones that shimmer with amusement. The guy is the most beautifully exotic person I have ever seen. And I know exactly who he is.

Tariq Araneo.

And so Elodie's story begins!

What's your favorite go-to breakfast? For me, I drink coffee! That's it LOL

So how'd you like the first chapter? Press on that star button to let me know and drop some comments :)

Love you all and I'm so excited for you to read the first of my college series

~LivingRed