I sat on the bleachers with Tubbo, silent.

We're never silent. We always have sonething to talk about, and we're always comfortable with each other.

I cleared my throat, "Tubbo....I'm sorry."

"What for?" He asked.

"Well....weren't you rejected?" I asked.

He nodded, "Yes, but that has nothing to do with you, so you have no reason to apologize Tommy. He only likes you. I know you don't like him, and I know for sure you'd never betray me for some dude."

Ofcourse he trusts me....and that makes this so much harder and scarier- knowing I broke that trust.

I took a deep breath, "Tubbo....I- I haven't been honest." I took a shaky breath, "With anyone. With myself or you..."

"Tommy, just cause feelings weren't reciprocated because he fell for you, doesn't make it your fault." He sighed, "You get them all Tommy. They all fall for you."

I sniffled, "I like Ranboo."

Finally.

I admitted it to myself.

And now I'd admitted it to Tubbo.

His eyes went wide and he gulped, "Since when?"

"I'm not sure....I just do." I replied.

"But...you were always encouraging me. You were always encouraging my thoughts of him liking me. I thought you were rooting for me and Ranboo..." he said sounding completely confused.

"In a way...I was. I wanted him to fall for you instead, so that he could forget about me. So that......I could forget about him." I frowned.

"So you bottled up your feelings for me?" He asked.

I nodded, "In some ways, yes."

He smiled a little, "That's incredibly sweet of you, but you should've told me you liked him too."

My eyes got teary, "Tubbo....I bottled up my feelings and didn't admit that I liked him, but I couldn't help myself from other stuff. I'm sorry."

"Other stuff?" He asked.

"Tubbo I'm sorry! But, I can't lose you!" I cried.

He teared up, "Tommy, what's 'other stuff'?"

"Please......your my only guarantee and if I lose you I have nothing." I begged.

"Tommy. What is 'other stuff'?" He asked a little more serious toned.

"I kissed him." I said not able to make eye contact.

"Oh...well, that's alright. I'm sure he pushed it on you and you just caved. It's understandable." He said sounding sad.

"No Tubbo. I kissed him...I let him kiss me. We did it all the time. Whenever we want, we kiss each other. It wasn't a one time thing." I said beginning to softly cry again.

Tubbo breathed uneasily, "B- But why?!"

"Cause I like him....and he likes me." I shrugged.

"You knew I liked him! So why!?" He cried.

"I-.....don't know why." I cried.

"What else? There's no way you just kissed." He said sniffling.

"We made out several times. We hold hands, have sleepovers- ,but we've never done it. And.....he gave me a hickey once...uhm I think that's it?" I said unable to look at him...disgusted with myself.

"That's it, huh?....Jeezus Tommy......Y'know it was strange. The way he acted around you and towards you. Always asking questions about you, and slipping up by calling you adorable. You wore his jacket all the time, and I shook it off like nothing, but I should've been smarter. It was so obvious at lunch that day. When he had his arm around you, it looked like you two were a perfect couple. And the way you can get his attention with just a whisper of his name...I was onto it for a minute....,but I'd of rather not believed it, so I chose not too. So...it's okay Tommy. He's not mine anyways- just a crush." He sniffled again and wiped his face.

I looked up at him confused, "Your not gonna lash out on me?"

He sighed, "There's no reason to. Sure, you broke my trust, you went behind my back, and you betrayed me, but- what good would lashing out on you do?"

I shrugged, for he was right and I felt....like the worst person ever.

"If you'd of just told me, the first time you kissed...this could've been resolved." He said tearing up again.

I cried, "Its all my fault."

He put his hand over mine, "Its not all your fault Tommy. Cause if he didn't like you, you'd of never done that and I know it."

"Tubbo, I can't apologize enough. I'm so sorry. I just want to remain friends, I don't care if you want me to drop Ranboo- or anything! I just want to keep what we had." I sobbed.

He breathed shakily, "Tommy. There's no keeping what we had. Our trust is shattered. My heart...it's been broken by my best friend...."

I wiped my face and finally looked at him right in the eyes, "I'll hate myself forever, because of it. And Tubbo, I'd never go out with him if you don't want me to."

"Do whatever you want Tommy. It's okay. Don't hate yourself for having human emotions. I'll get over it. It'll take some time to fully trust you again. And I dunno if 'best friends' is very fitting for us attention moment. So, for now....friends, okay?" He said smiling softly through his tears.

How?

How can you not want to totally explode?!

How can you not hate me after all of this?

Why won't you?

I want you to let it all out on me.

Tell me I'm horrible, disgusting, untrustworthy.

I fucking deserve it!

How can you still be my friend?

Your so strong.....and I'll never understand.

"So....friends? And you don't hold a grudge or anything?" I asked sorta amazed.

He nodded, "No grudges....I'm mad for the time being, yes, but not forever...I still love you Tommy."

I smiled, "I love you too Tubbo. C- Can I get a hug?"

He sniffled and opened his arms. I scooted over closer to him and hugged him, "I'm so sorry...I should've been more honest."

"We can be repaired, Tommy." He said hugging me back.

I cried, "I won't mess it up again....I won't."

"I believe you Tommy." He said softly, as he rubbed my back, "I believe you..."

Tubbo really is my forever.

Even after this....he should've been awful to me, but he wasn't.

He wants to build back what we had...and I'm glad.

Cause if he'd of chosen to leave our friendship behind...I don't know what I'd of done.

I can't imagine....so thank god for Tubbo.

My irreplaceable best friend.

Who I took for granted.....,but never again.

Not even for Ranboo.

I'm not inlove, so Tubbo will come first.

And until then...that's just how it goes.

He'll have to deal with it.

Cause when it comes down to it....

Tubbo will always be there for me, guaranteed.

And I'm glad, cause I got lucky.

Instead of a best friend-

.....

I got a Tubbo.