It's been 2 weeks. I've driven to a bunch of different landmarks all over the US.

I've barely stopped driving, because whenever I stop, I think of Noah. I need to go back. Winter break started and Christmas is tomorrow. I can't make mom spend Christmas alone. I give her updates of where I am so she knows I'm safe.

I haven't talked to any of my friends. I'm sure mom told them I'm okay. I just can't bring myself to do it. I should at least text the gc that I'm ok.

😻😻

I just wanted to tell all of you I'm ok. Just going through stuff right now and Im coming home for break, I'll be back at school in January.

I shut off my phone not wanting to read the responses because I just can't right now. I know. I know it's been 2 weeks and I should be over it but I'm not. I'm not sure when I will be.

I haven't bothered looking at Noah's texts because it'll just be excuses.

I'm sleep deprived and I know it.

I haven't put on any makeup in days, and I've been living in leggings and T-shirts that I bought along the way.

I've seen the open plains of Kansas, I've seen the white house, I've seen the Rockys and the Grand Canyon. I've seen Jamestown and LA, and everything in between all of that. and now i'm in South Dakota driving back to the small town of Crestridge, Montana. Population 1098. In my 1976 turquoise Ford Bronco.

As I enter the town, I pass by Joe's convenient store. Ruby's, the tattoo parlor run by Kate. I pass by Crestridge high and Maddie's house. I pass by the little book shop on the corner of main street and 2nd. I pass by the rest of the shops that I haven't gotten the chance to go in yet. I pass by the turn to get to the spot. I pass by the police station and the clinic. Before I arrive at my house. The house next to the guy I thought loved me the way I love him.

Love. Present tense. Even though I wish I didn't I can't deny it. It's a waste of energy I don't have.

I turn the key in the ignition so the car engine stops, and pull it out. I open my door and get out taking the bag of dirty laundry with me. I feel eyes on me but I don't look up from the ground where I'm walking. I unlock the front door and am immediately hit with the small frame of my mom hugging me.

I hug her back and stuff my head into her shoulder.

"Hey mama. I missed you."

"Baby you're home."

"I told you I'd be home for Christmas, didn't I."

"You did baby, you did. I missed you so much."

"I'm sorry I left mom."

"It's okay hun. I understand."

I had told her about Noah cheating. She didn't fault me for leaving, just asked me to check in with her so she knew I was okay.

We walk inside and she takes my bag to the laundry room and tells me to go upstairs and get some rest. It's about 8 pm and I'm so insanely tired, but everytime I close my eyes I see Shelly pushed against Noah, with his hands on her waist.

I trudge into my room and look around my eyes scanning the whole room seeing every little thing in here just as I left it 3 months ago.

My eyes go to the french doors leading to the balcony. I look through them to see Noah standing on his own balcony staring back at me.

He looks tired. Maybe more so than me. He looks hurt. He looks angry. And he looks relieved.

I hold eye contact with him, even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done and walk towards the door. I see his figure relax slightly. Probably thinking I'm going to talk to him.

I reach the door. And instead of opening the door and walking out onto the balcony, I grab both sides of the curtains and pull them closed, leaving me in complete darkness.

Not much different from how I feel right now.

Seeing him was like a kick to the gut. I've know I'm not over him, and I'm going to avoid him at all costs, but I'm going to at least pretend to be ok. So if that means, laying down and making myself fall asleep for a couple hours, then so be it.

After all, tomorrow is Christmas and I should be happy on Christmas.

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