I didn't want you as my soulmate.

All I needed was for us to complete the bond.

I want out.

You're not worth it.

Not enough.

Those are the words that circled in Chan's mind in the days after Rose left. He barely remembered those first few days. It was as if he was watching a movie of himself as he participated in ISAC and celebrated STAY's birthday.

At first, he believed every word his soulmate had said to him that day. Why would she have wanted him as her soulmate, he hadn't wanted her when they first met. The sickness had scared a lot of people, it made perfect sense that she wanted to bond with her soulmate and save herself the worry.

Chan agreed that he wasn't worth it, that he wasn't enough for her, or for anyone else. He had always tried to be. He had worked hard every day to improve himself, to make sure that he would be an asset to whatever group he ended up in. When he was put in charge of Stray Kids all he felt was pressure. He had to do better, be better, to lead the others to debut. It almost wasn't enough. He wasn't good enough to keep their team together. The feeling of inadequacy never went away.

After the shock had worn off. Rose's words still circled his mind, but now he was analysing them. If she hadn't wanted him as a soulmate, why did she stay with him so long? If all she wanted was to bond with him, then she could have kissed him and left that very first day. If he wasn't worth it, then why did she stay late at work whenever he did and take care of him the way she did?

Then he thought back to how it started. It began with him wanting to announce that he had found his soulmate to the world. He remembered what she had said every time he brought it up.

Think about the effect it would have on your career, on the rest of Stray Kids.

Rose was so sure that going public would impact negatively on him. There must have been more to it than just her opinion. The company was researching this, but they hadn't heard anything back yet, or at least Chan hadn't. He needed to talk to JYP.

Chan barged into Park Jinyoung's office as politely as possible.

"Chan, my boy, is something the mat-"

"What did they say?"

"Who are we talking about?"

"The team you put together to look into the best way to announce that I found my soulmate."

"But you don't need - I mean, they're still researching."

"Did they tell you it would be harmful to Stray Kids' career?"

The older man considered Chan for a moment before answering.

"Yes."

"And R-Rose knew this?"

It was the first time he had said her name out loud since that day and it hurt more than he was expecting.

"She did."

"Did you ask her to leave?"

"No."

"Did you know that she was going to leave?"

"I had an inkling that she might, yes."

"Thank you, for being honest with me."

"Of course, Chan. I know you must be going through a hard time right now, but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You haven't let it affect your work and that's very professional of you."

"Thank you, sir."

One thing was clear, Rose had been told that if the world found out that Chan had found his soulmate, it would negatively affect Stray Kids. This led to her thinking that the only way to stop that from happening was to leave and break his heart in the process. She was clever. Rose knew just what to say to make Chan doubt her so that he wouldn't stop her from leaving or come after her.

However, Rose had underestimated Chan's feelings for her. How could he believe that she really thought those things when she was the one constantly giving him reassurances? Every time he said something negative about himself, he got a lecture on how he was wrong, that either what he said wasn't true or was actually a strength. With these daily affirmations from his soulmate, Chan had started to feel a lot better about himself.

This couldn't have been an easy decision for her to make, but if Rose truly believed that the best thing for Stray Kids was for them to be apart, then the least he could do was make sure that her sacrifice wasn't in vain.

All though he managed to keep it up for a while, eventually Chan started to fall apart. Everything reminded him of her. Everywhere he looked he saw memories of the time they spent together.

He tried to focus on his group members, but all he noticed was how much Rose leaving had affected them - seeing them hurting like this only made him feel worse. In a way, he felt as though it was all his fault. If he hadn't insisted on telling the public about finding his soulmate, if he had listened to Rose's concerns then she wouldn't have resorted to such drastic methods.

The whole group wasn't their usual selves, and their bad mood was noticed by the staff. They were late, unfocused, and irritable. The staff had voiced their concerns to Stray Kids' manager. KCON LA was coming up and it required a lot of fan engagement. In their current state, they worried that it would be obvious to fans that something was wrong.

After the worst rehearsal the group had ever had, which ended up with the boys tripping over each other and landing in a pile on the floor, their manager came to a decision. He gathered all the boys together to talk to them. The Idols' heads hung low as they knew that their performance had been below par recently.

It was hard for the manager to see them like this. When Rose had left, he had expected Chan to take it hard, but the effect it had on the rest of the group had been unexpected. Minho was frowning, which wasn't strange, but seeing Felix so angry was. Jisung looked lost as he stared blankly into space. Jeongin, who wasn't usually one for skin-ship, was currently clinging to Seungmin like he was afraid he would disappear if he let go. Seungmin had stopped teasing the others, Hyunjin had his arms wrapped around himself, and Changbin sat quietly. Chan was barely holding himself together, although he tried to cover it up by working as hard as possible.

Their manager hoped that he was doing the right thing as he handed out envelopes to each member.

"Before you open these, you should know that you don't have to read them. It's entirely your choice."

Chan frowned in confusion and looked from the letter in his hands, up to his manager.

"What do you mean, Manager-nim?"

"These are letters from Rose. She gave them to me before she left."

The room was silent as they all processed this. Minho was the first to speak.

"Why are you only giving them to us now?"

"I hoped I would never have to give them to you. She told me only to give them to you if I thought you needed them. I hoped that you would move on, forget her, hate her even, but it seems that when she left, she took your hearts with her. Now I hope that these letters will make you whole again."

Their manager left the room, leaving the Idols alone. At first, no one moved to open their letter. Minho pushed his envelope away from him, crossing his arms as he glared at it. The younger members watched their Hyungs for a sign of what they should do.

Chan stared down at his envelope, rubbing his thumbs across the paper. Inside contained words written by his soulmate. He wasn't sure whether they would be similar to the last things she had said to him, or what he hoped was the truth and the complete opposite.

Changbin was the first to rip open his envelope and read his letter. The others watched until tears started rolling down the rapper's cheeks and then one by one, they started reading their own letters. Each letter was different and personal and made their hearts feel heavy and light at the same time.

Once Changbin had finished, he banged his fist on the table and cried out in despair.

"I knew it! It was all lies! She never wanted to leave! She loves us!"

.

.

.

Perhaps in a few years, when I'm no longer a threat, we will meet again.

I only hope that you can forgive me.