Many times before, someone told me something that I flatly refused to accept. And I still don't accept it now, despite all the times I've seen it proved right. The common good and the individual good rarely coincide...

Sure, I know, it's true.

But some truths are probably worse than lies...

No person ever understands another, from beginning to end of life, there is no truth that can be known, only the story we imagine to be true, the story they really believe to be true about themselves; and all of them lies.

But I lived a lie. I lived it out of anger. This is what I am trying to tell you. I have lived lies. I have done it again and again. I live lies because I cannot endure the weakness of anger and I cannot admit the irrationality of love. Oh, the lies I have told myself and others. I knew it yet I didn't know.

What if you are just destined to get hurt, to be helplessly stuck in a point of time you no longer want to be?

══════ ∘◦❁◦∘ ═══════

"Sure, sometimes you gotta let things go, but, Y/N..." Park Chanyeol was using his patient voice, trying to calm the situation. However his shock expression seems unable to left his face after you barged into his office a few minutes ago clearly looking unhappy.

You really wanted to hear his explanation on what Jennie told you either it was true or the opposite. Deep down you don't want to be the truth of this nightmare. But looking how nervous Park Chanyeol right now, you know you have done unforgivable sin to the innocent Jungkook and Eva.

His gaze to you was unwavering"...you should understand the other times you can't till you set things right. And I know darn well it ain't worth arguing with a man like Jeon Jungkook. The only truths he believe are his own words."

You closed your eyes and swallowed. "You know that what you have done isn't a right way," you said.

Despite your eyelids being tightly shut, a single, hot tear ran out of your left eye. You was so angry that it had escaped. You was so angry.

"It was a mistake," you said. "But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you."

"I didn't mean...," he started lamely, but then couldn't find his way to explaining his act.

You shook your head. "You know, even now, as long as we've been friends it still surprises me that you can be so ruthless."

Your statement left his face in bewilderment and disappointed. "I saved you, Y/N. I was trying to help and you called me ruthless?"

"You used anyone to get what you want. Say anything to get your way. Why was I ever even trust you?" You stabbed an accusing finger at him. "Because of you! Because you manipulated me into it. Why? So I would left him! That's all you cared about."

Thinking about everything he had done from the first and you nearly die because of him really make the anger boiled deep in your chest. You wanted to let it out so badly. It was really suffering to face the agony.

When you used to think so highly of someone and then one day realize you were blind to things that screamed 'not a person of honourable character at all. This should be the exact define of what the situation you have been through right now. To learn Park Chanyeol isn't the person you truly believe was so hard for you to accept.

"I have no choice! I can't let you marry with that bastard forever. Did you forget what he had done to you? Are you really blind to see that he's not worth to be your husband and a father to his child?!"

"You're a self-centered jerk," you said, stepping forward. "You've got me convinced that you sacrificed yourself, but that's crap. You slipped. You make everyone involved with your tricks. Jennie wanted to believe there was more to it, so she convinced Mark. Now look, Chan! Everything mess up! Both Mark and your brother are in jail, my son was born prematurely and I was separated from my own daughter. Because of you!"

He closed his eyes briefly and looks as if he might say something, but he doesn't, and sometimes when people don't speak, they say everything, don't they?

He got no excuses to serve.

You bite your lips, trying to hold another tears that threatened to leave your eyes. And that's when you can't hold them back.

"I don't know who to trust, who to believe. It feels like you are there for me but are you really there for me or yourself?"

As soon as you said those words, Chan opened his eyes that now filling with tears glistening in the light of sorrow, bouncing sadness through the atmosphere.

You stared at Chan's face, seeking something familiar. When we made eye contact, something in you ached because you found it.

This was my friend.

"I'll understand if you don't want me. But I will be heartbroken." He thumped his chest.

"You are all I ever dreamed of and hoped for. You are much, much more, Y/N. Please know that I didn't think I was mean-minded. But I realize I am. I am so sorry for hurting you. I could inflict all kinds of pain on myself, but it would not take back any I gave to you."

You told him, half hearted. "I can't look at you the way I do before. I think I can't talk to you anymore. It's just that you came right after he... changed. It's just that your words were warm and comforting. And it felt like the safest hideout, holding up the door behind my pain. It's just that your jokes sounded alike. So much that I could hear his laughter when you cracked them. It's just that it's always been him. It's just that he is still crying inside me. Wanting to be remembered. For a really long time. It's just that I don't love you, but his impressions that you carry. I'm so sorry that I am not ready to love you."

Your heart had grown so familiar to the pain of life without him, that to respond now seemed too large a pleasure you could not endure. If pain was love, then you loved fiercely. Yet knew you could not be near that man again.

"I know you only want me to be safe, Chan. But I have already made up my mind that I shall not leave you to fix all the mistakes."

He said, "Forgive me for being a liar and a fool and an utterly worthless man." Chanyeol took you in his arms for a moment and we held each other with closed eyes.

And in the end, the only thing that we can learn is trying to fix all mistakes is a mistake.

"It's time, Y/N." He let you go.

You frowned, didn't get much what he tried to say.

"You must go," he said more. "You are far more important to Jungkook than to me or ever could be."

Chan finally understood then that neither time nor distance had lessened your love for Jungkook. The love that made him ache with suffering and truly worth fighting for.

Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to continue the devastation?

Sometimes you get everything you ever wanted, only it doesn't look like what you wanted anymore.

You said to Chan. "Some things just can't be put back together. Some things can never be fixed. Two broken pieces can't make a lot of anything anymore. I've promised myself to stay away from him."

When he told you he no longer loved you, you fell to your knees. When you have to face up to the fact that marriage to the man you love is really over, that's very tough, sheer agony.

"Don't do this." Chan warned, his voice hoarse with desperation as he realized you decide to leave. His softened gaze rested on your terrified face.

"You must not let love's tragedies stop you from carrying on and maybe, just maybe, loving again."

For a moment that seemed to last an eternity, Chanyeol waited, silently praying for a miracle.

Just one little miracle.

"Please..." he whispered raggedly. "What would happen to Eva and Jisung without you by their side?"

The pain of not knowing what to do was exceeded only by that of knowing what you had done.

"I-I... can't," you finally let it out. "Can you see they have been hurt because of me? It's obvious. Something changes in their eyes, in their heart. Eva even won't trust me anymore."

He sighed heavily.

"You don't run from the people who need you. You fight for them. You fight beside them. No matter the cost. No matter the risk."

"Because I did. I did fight for them and this is the best I could do for them. This is the karma I have to accept. You do not understand now, but you will understand later what it feels like to..."

"To sacrifice ourselves for the one we loved. I know that feeling much," he gave you a saddest smile you've seen on his face. Maybe he also lost some words to convince you to stay.

"I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting..."

There was a long pause as Chanyeol watched you a moment. Unknowingly, he prepared you to survive the rest of your days with the way he shielded himself from emotional vulnerabilities that slowly destroy the rest of us.

"I always thought in the end, you would have stayed with me, out of obligation...or maybe comfort. Maybe I was safe to you, and you needed to feel that. I know how scared you get of the unknown side of mine. To you...I must be kind of a security blanket. Do you see now, how that doesn't work for me? I don't want to be at a place that haven't you there, simply because the idea of you being gone is too...scary. I want to be someone's everything. I want fire and passion, and love that's returned, equally. I want to be someone's heart... Even if it means breaking my own. You don't have to like me, but I'd like to make knowing me less difficult for you. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it. But I'm not going anywhere. I will always here if you need me."

You took a step back, taking in his face one last time. It's when you realize that two individuals are not growing together, that they're growing apart. The way he looked at you and blame you for all the ways that you don't love him. However, this is the right time you needed to walked away from everything.

It's for the best. Thank you for being my friend.

Goodbye.

══════ ∘◦❁◦∘ ═══════

And I've fallen.

So hard.

I've hit the ground. Gone right through it. Never in my life have I felt this. Nothing like this. I've felt shame and cowardice, weakness and strength. I've known terror and indifference, self-hate and general disgust. I've seen things that cannot be unseen. I've done things that cannot be undone.

You stood there silently under the cold embrace of that rain and watched yourself drown as all of that sadness soaked itself onto you. It did not wash away your sorrows, nor did it comfort you. It just gave in to you, like a falling leaf gives in to the ground, filling your chest with all the sorrows, of both tomorrow and yesterday. It broke something in you, something you once cherished, and without that torn self, you often ask yourself, you wonder, what's worse??

To lose one's own self? Or to lose one's own reason to live....

The rain hit your skin like it would go right through and the water washed the street like a river would rise. Beneath the sound of the city traffic, you were so completely wet and numb that did you crying heavily in the rain. No one sees your tears and your pain gets washed away. The streets passed in a frigid blur, you wasn't heading for home, but for an unknowing place your mind set.

You were across the road when you heard a familiar voice calling your name.

"Y/N!"

You saw Jungkook running from the opposite of the road you were. Seeing him here hurting you more when you already know the truth. The pain you've caused him were too much and you have accepted his decision to push you away.

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so much?

"Stay," His expression is serious before kissed the droplets from your lips, and you felt his lips smile against yours.

"Stop, Jungkook," you pushed him away. "I have to go now,"

Slowly, tears began to tip over again from your eyelids.

"We're staying together," he promised. "You're not getting away from me. Never again."

"Was it another lie?" the words slipped so easily from your mouth.

I wore your promise for the longest time, Jungkook and I'm tired enough to believe for one more time.

"I don't want to lose you." His voice almost a whisper. Seeing his haggard expression, you took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. You could feel the tears again, and you tried fought them back. "But you don't want to keep me, either, do you?" To that, he had no response.

"How can you say that?" he said, and you heard his voice break. "How can you even think that? I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I want everything with you," he said. "I want all of it with you. I want you. I want this forever."

"We can't be together, don't you get it? I will keep hurting you," you said.

"No, I hurt myself by hurting you." His face wore a look of compassion. You hated that look, because it reminded you that he was a good person, that he had tried over and over to apologize. Tears poured out of your eyes. And he wrapped his arms around you, holding you as wept.

And I hated that his arms still felt good.

You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.

"I don't like remembering, Jungkook." You said in his arms, eyes closed. A single tear slipped down your cheek and you let it. "I don't want to remember these moments that constantly remind me of who I am, who I was, and who you are. I don't want to remember my past and all the things about this world that's brought me here. With you."

"So then why don't you try? Let's forget about everything" he pulled you and his gaze searching my face. "Be here with me. Exist with me, because there isn't any other way I'd love you more."

"I-I don't belong to you."

"You've belonged to me since the first day we met. I had you then, and I swore to keep you."

"You-"

"Just stop." Jungkook placed a finger to your lips as he held you closely and slid a hand down your back. He palmed your shoulder and the place where a piece of him would forever harbor. "Stop making up excuses. Stop hiding. Stop running from me. You're the light at the end of my tunnel, my saving grace, and you don't even know it, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, Jungkook," you whispered into his ear. "For everything. From it began, I haven't been myself. But things are going to change. Time to stop living in the past."

You felt a tear on his cheek. You wasn't sure whose tear it was. We stared at each other and our glances battled each other, until tears arose again, and we found ourselves crying.

Maybe there are some people you can't unlove no matter how hard you try. Maybe there are some people you stay connected to, because they've hurt you to your very core. You keep hoping that somehow the pain can be resolved if they finally do the right thing, but the right thing can never be done because it had to have been done in the past.

Even though I knew this might end in heartbreak again, that he might make my life scary and complicated and unpredictable, I knew I couldn't let him walk away. Because I knew he'd also make my life happy and comforting and full.

"This is not over. It never will be. Because from now on, whenever your heart takes a step back, mine will take a step forward..."

He leaned down, resting his forehead against you. You watched breathlessly as his eyes studied you with silent intensity despite the heavy rain poured down. His cold breath ghosted across your face. You shut your eyes in anticipation.

However his lips doesn't touch yours when the loud gunshot sound come thick through the air. You opened your eyes, feeling shock only to see wide eyes Jungkook desperately searching yours. Senses sharpened with adrenaline.

And in the end how far should a person go in the name of true love?