I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of proper goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart.

Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of happy relationship turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have another lover despite all those years together? Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy? But we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?

Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others- it only changes yours. Karma comes after everyone eventually. You can't get away with screwing people over your whole life, no matter what kind of person they are. What goes around comes around. That's how it works. Sooner or later the universe will serve you the revenge that you deserve.

Not letting go doesn't keep him with you.

It's still over. He's still gone.

... And nothing will ever change that.

Your heartache had rung you out until you was dry inside, no more tears would come. Your insides still felt as raw as if a winter wind was blowing right through your skin. The last conversation haunted you, taunted you, replaying like an echo. Your appetite had dwindled to nothing. You kept the curtains closed so that you wouldn't have to witness life going on as usual. How could it when your world had crumbled?

'It's heavy' was the only way you could define it. You had to carry it around even though you never wanted to. It was always over you, casting its shadow on your life. It was hung by a thin thread, too fragile to hold something so heavy. Most of the time you didn't know what caused the thread to finally break releasing the weight on you. It fell too fast, and before you could run you'd be pinned down. It crushed you ribs, made it hard for you to breathe. You tried to scream; a cry for help was of no use. No one else could see it - the weight that had been slowly crushing you until forever.

"Y/N..." the door creaked open and you saw your friend figure stood still, hugging herself. "It's been three days you have not eaten..." she said, worriedly.

"I don't feel hungry," you spoke low with despair before turning back and continue staring the sky from balcony. Stars filled the sky like pale corn into freshly turned ground. It was the promise of life in the darkness, a sense of warmth springing from the cold. It was a vastness to bring humbleness and an eternal space to bring gratitude for the coziness of home. No matter the years that passed, you saw each night sky as warm as him was still there right next by your side.

The difference is he's not. He won't be there and he won't let you be there for him as well. He finally gave up. He dropped the fake smile, as a tear ran down his cheek and he whispered to you, 'I can't do this anymore...'

The day you left, it felt like I lost a diary in which I had been writing for so long. Now all that memories flashes in bits and pieces inside my head always and makes me wish that I could sit back and read it all over again.

"C'mon, you're not a teenager anymore. Don't rebel over something you had known your limit," said Eun Ha before decided to approach you much closer.

You let out a sigh, "He was reasonable and rational, even through the tears. I hurt him. I know I hurt him a lot. All I felt was anger. I wanted a revenge. He acknowledged it and he lets me free. He was being... he was so adult. And I just felt like a stupid kid."

Your lips trembled as you felt cold tears start to stream down your face. "But I have been too deeply hurt, Eun Ha. I tried to save him, and he has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, when things are in danger: someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them."

"He's proud of you. He said so himself. And he knows you deserved a chance to be happy. I know that, too." Eun Ha tried to calm you down by giving some encouragement.

"I made such a fool of myself," you lamented.

"Love does not make you a fool."

"He didn't love me back." A flood of tears gushed down your ashen cheeks.

Eun Ha spoke again, but you was beyond hearing. "That does not make you a fool, either."

"Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. Just tell me ..." your voice cracked. "When does it stop hurting?"

"You'll stop hurting when you stop hoping."

You turned to her, tears in your eyes all over again. "I-" said you, your voice halting. "I couldn't stand here, hanging on, when the very thing I held disappeared more with each passing day."

You felt a splinter of guilt wedge into your heart. Jungkook had hurt you; in return, you'd hurt Mark. Maybe that's what we do to the people we love: take shots in the dark and realize too late we've wounded the people we're trying to protect. Anger, resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, antagonisms, and rivalries are the obvious signs that all these tragedies happened.

"You fell in love with a storm. Did you really think you would get out unscathed? Nothing else wounds so deeply and irreparably. Nothing else robs us of hope so much as being unloved by one we love. The good news is you survived. The bad news is you're hurt and no one can heal you but yourself." Eun Ha said before joining you staring the night sky together.

It had made you too helpless, because that's what love did. There was no way around it and no way to fight it. Now you lost... you lost everything... With Jungkook gone, time seemed to stand still around you; the mornings just as cloudy and dark as the evenings, as if the sun had never decided to rise. There was no wind, like the world was holding its breath along with you, waiting for him to return.

What was this yearning, tearing at you insides like hunger and thirst? It couldn't be love. Love was warm and soft, like a bed of leaves. But this was dark, like the shade under a poisonous shrub, and it was hungry. So hungry. It must have some other name, just as there couldn't be the same word for life and death, or for moon and sun. Missing?

I miss you in waves and tonight I'm drowning. You left me fending for my life and it feels like you're the only one who can bring me back to the shore alive...

RING! RING!

Without have to look at it, you've known that was the sound of your phone's ringtone.

"Should I?" Eun Ha was ready to get up.

"Just ignore it. It must be..." you gasped, this constant heartbreaking keep growing inside you every time you thought of him. "Mark..."

"That douchebag?!" Eun Ha yelled in disbelief. Her face was like thunder and you know her anger will always boiling up by just hearing his name. "Why that shameless bastard still contacting you after what he had done to you and Jisung, huh?!"

"He wants me to visit Jisung at hospital," Your eyes bleed with pain every time your son came into your mind. What's more heartbreaking for a mother like you who was failed to protect their innocent child and the fate that he was born with an abuse parent? He was not born yet, and he was torture heartlessly inside. He was not born yet, and he received so much hate from his father. And he was not supposed to be born yet, but he was forced to come out just because his mother couldn't afford him any longer.

I may have not carried you for 9 months, I may have not giving you life you suppose and deserve to have, but child, Mummy will spend the rest of my life loving you, protecting you, and doing whatever I need to make you happy.

The hardest part about being a parent is watching your children go through something really tough and not being able to protect them with all you have. All you are doing is all you can do now.

Mummy is really sorry for both of you, Eva and Jisung, the love of my life...

"Remember what I told you before?"

You nodded as a single drop of grief welled up from the corner of your eye.

"Don't go see him until I claim a lawsuit for Jisung's custody from the court. Don't appear in front of him, don't go near to hospital, his house and Raymond Hotel. If Jisung's condition is what you're worried about, Park Chanyeol already promised us to keep an eye on his behavior and if Mark dare to touch Jisung again, there's no chance for him in hell," Eun Ha reminded you once again, utterly serious this time after knowing that Mark still tried to talk with you.

"You can run from the truth... You can run and hide from the truth... You can deny and avoid the truth... But you cannot destroy the truth. Nor can you make the lie true. You must know that love will always uncover the truth." You mumbled incoherent things through your mouth and choked on your sobs.

"Y/N..." your friend was still couldn't get the truth behind of your words.

As more tears came, more thought of him whirled through your head. "The truth was, he now belonged only to my past, and it was time I begin to accept it, as much as it hurt to do so."

"He trapped you in a room and not let you out. He raised a fist and he abuse you. He thrown an object that hit you hard. He held you down and grabbed you to restrain you. Was he ever thinking about you and his child when he does that? It ain't love, Y/N... He was a weak man. The sort who needed to hit a woman in order to feel powerful."

The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: "He's mean." But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: "He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way."

But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it-sooner or later. Friends say: "Leave him." But she knows it won't be that easy. He will promise to change. He'll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He'll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he'll be all right.

And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.

I don't blame you for not knowing how to remain soft with me. Sometimes I stay up thinking of all the places you are hurting which you'll never care to mention, Mark. And it's not fair...

It's not fair that he lets his rage take over, that he lets it rule him. I don't know why he has to let it rule him. I don't know why he has to be two people. I don't know why he gets to be two people, and I only get to be me, the one who is here to take what he has to give, and who is here to pick the pieces afterward.

"I won't forgive him," you said.

"Hell, yes, you shouldn't. The only person that deserves a special place in your life is someone that never made you feel like you were a slave in theirs..."

Eun Ha added, "Park Chanyeol seems like a nice guy. He looks different than those two assholes."

"He might not..."

When you have been hurt you lose your trust in the world. Park Chanyeol? A guy who claimed not to be a stalker and he knows the tricks of the trade. He knows how to turn down the skillful Mark Tuan and self-important Jeon Jungkook. He knows every their weaknesses and he knows when the right time he should use it to against them. When a businessman itself knows how to run things perfectly perfect, he might own a secret no one will ever knew or maybe there's one reason why he became like that.

The excessive kindness and attention Chan poured to you, the sudden confession and the fact that he's been hiding his real identity for years from you, they were kinda hard to believe it.

"What do you mean?"

"I'll tell you later when the time is right..." you have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where you're going and what kind of situation you're going to go through soon. And you have trained yourself to be wary on anything will going to happen soon so that the same mistake won't come twice.

Eun Ha expression changed and you know she's going to be mad for keeping another secret. Right before she wanted to open her mouth, your phone rang again for the second time.

RING! RING!

That was probably Mark again.

"You know what? Let me talk to that fucker!" Eun Ha said before stomping her feet into your room.

"No, don't!! Eun Ha!!" you became panic as soon as you realized Eun Ha was going to get herself some troubles. You quickly stood up and chasing her into your room with a hope that you will reach your phone right before she does.

Mark should not know about you with Eun Ha right now. This is not the right time to see him and you kinda admit that you still traumatized with what he had done to you before.

Eun Ha was faster than you when you saw her grabbing your phone and pick up the call without seeing who was calling.

Looking how she curses right away, she definitely getting herself troubles by picking a fight with a person like Mark. "YOU HAVE NO SHAME, AREN'T YOU ASSHOLE?! STOP CALLING Y/N, SHE AIN'T YOUR FIANCEE ANYMORE YOU CLUSTER FUCK! I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR HOW RICH YOUR FAMILY ARE BUT REMEMBER MARK TUAN, I'M GONNA TAKE JISUNG AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU, PIECE OF SHIT ARE NEVER DESERVE TO BE HIS DAD! YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE! SEE YOU IN COURT LATER MOTHERFUCKER!"

You were wide-eyed after heard the curses Eun Ha just thrown to Mark. Oh god! Is she crazy? Mark could kill her too for attempting his anger and agony.

Looking at Eun Ha who was silent for a moment, she might listening to Mark's response now and you felt nothing but nervousness what he was saying to her. Eun Ha does look clueless and you know Mark might attack her with some threatening words.

"What did he say?" you whispered to her.

The rising blush appears on Eun Ha cheeks, something bad might happen! Well, you kinda have to expect it when a respected lawyer just cursed to someone from a noble family.

Eun Ha looked at you with her wide eyes, "It's Jung-Jung-Jungkook..." she stuttered, feeling ashamed.

"What?!" you shrieked but instantly closed your mouth when thinking he had heard your scream.

Jungkook calls you? Jungkook just call you tonight? Did you mishear it? He calls you for the first time since he decided to go our own separated ways about three days ago. There were million thoughts in your mind right now like is he already changing his mind and wanting you back? You could feel your heart beat... every single pound in your chest. The same feeling when we talked for the first time eight years ago...

Eun Ha passed your phone to you, "Good luck!" she said, swaying lightly on her feet and make herself out from your room. The way she looks, you know she still feel embarrass with what happened between her and Jungkook earlier. Oh god, dear bestie...

You cleared your throat for a few times before feeling sure of yourself that you still could talk to him despite the rising nervousness was keep growing inside. Nothing felt never ever the same anymore between us and you have to admit that this soon to be awkward session is killing you inside even it's not starting yet.

"He-hello," you tried to calm yourself down but clearly you failed after the first word coming from your trembling lips.

"Mummy!" you heard Eva's scream from across the phone and by that moment you fell to your knees, wet hot tears fill up your eyes. The adorable voice you most longing to hear... finally...

"Eva..." Your lips trembled again as you cried silently. "My Princess, Eva. Mummy is here," A great sob escaped from you, and you covered your face with a shaking hand. Another one was tightly gripping the phone onto your ear.

"Mummy," she cried. "I miss you... Where are you, Mummy? Why you haven't come to see me?" her soothing voice that you missed for so long was finally questioning the things she wanted to know so badly.

"I miss you too, baby," you started chewing on your lower lip and your eyes constantly welled up with tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't come to see you now. Mummy is very busy..." you couldn't finish your words when you heard Eva's voice again.

"Is Daddy still hurting you?"

"No..." you shook your head with tears keep racing down your cheeks.

Eva continuously asking you, "Did you forget where Appa's house is?"

"No..."

"Do you hate me, Mummy?"

You gasped after hearing her next question, "No, baby. I won't never hate you, sweetheart,"

"Did you forget about me because you will have another child later?"

"No, Eva. Why would you thinking that, baby? You are my first child and I love you more than anything." You could hold the heartbreak no longer and you fell to the floor in a disheveled heap as your grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. It was more saddening when your own daughter have a bad thought about her mother and feeling unfairly treatment she received after knowing that she might get another sibling.

"Appa told me he loves you..." Eva said out of sudden, leaving you in speechless. What does it mean? You quickly wiped away your tears and clutching the phone even tighter.

"Eva-" you called her name to say something to her. But then you heard Jungkook's voice on the background - he was kinda talking to Eva. Is that mean he was there since we're talking and heard everything?

"Eva, it's already late now and did you remember what you had promised to me?"

"B-but, Appa... I want to talk to Mummy much longer," she sounded unhappy and keep begging to Jungkook.

"You could always talk to Mummy tomorrow. But I need you to go to sleep right now, baby. Would you be a good girl to Appa?" the warm voice of Jungkook speaking to his daughter making your eyes were filled to the brim with tears. He is a good father, he always wanted to be a good father and you heartlessly separating Eva from him for almost two years. What kind of person are you?

"Eva..." you called her, "Listen to your dad - I mean Appa. Mummy would be so sad if you're not going to sleep by now," you tried to coax her with a soft voice.

"But I want to talk with you more..." she said, gloomily.

"We will talk again tomorrow, ok?" you persuaded her by making your voice a little bit bright.