Three months have past after our Umrah, July has come by soo quickly, the summer holidays are around the corner. Subhanallah I find it absolutely amazing! What Allah Swt has planned. If somebody told me last year that I'd be married and have my dream job. And have the house of my dream I would probably laugh in their face if I'm honest. It shows that Allah is the best of planners. I've actually never been soo happy I'm my life Alhamdulilah.

A lot has been running through my mind recently, we have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. And I'm still not pregnant, for many people wanting to get pregnant at twenty three probably seems mad, but I want to experience motherhood whilst I'm young and youthful. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting everything to happen so quickly. I personally know of a couple who had been trying for seventeen years and then had their miracle baby. This makes me think of how impatient I am and that Allah Swt will make my duas come true when the time is right.

But each time we go and visit Afiyah and her baby girl Aizah, when I see them I can't help but yearn for a baby. Today I've decided to go and visit the doctors to see if there was anything they could do for me. I feel bad for going without telling Ayman but I'm desperate to know what's going on.

I had made it to the doctors, I was waiting for my name to be called out. "Ahlam Rahman to room number seven please!!!!!". Dr Khan's voice shouted through the speaker.

"Hi what can I help you with today?" Thank god Dr Khan was a lady else I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a man about something like this. "Well me and my partner have been trying for a baby for almost a year but I'm still not pregnant, I was wondering is this normal? Is there anything you could do to find out?".

"This is a slightly concerning matter as you are only in your early twenties. You have been trying for almost a year, most couples in their twenties would successfully be pregnant after trying for a year. We should run a blood test and we will take it from there, I will call you in a weeks time to let you know the results".

"Okay thank you!".

If I'm honest I'm feeling slightly worried after talking to the doctor, I decided to keep this from Ayman until I get the blood test results. Hmm Ayman's going to be suspicious about where I've been because today is Friday and I'm usually home before him. So maybe I'll go and grab us a takeaway, to cover my tracks. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

I had arrived home with the burgers, I could see Ayman's car parked on the drive way. I made my way into the house. "Salaam Ayman!!! Where are you". "I'm in our room!!". I left the food in the kitchen and walked up to our room. I walked in a found him reciting Surah Baqarah in his beautiful voice. Ayman recites 143 ayahs and I recite 143 ayahs. Because Surah Baqarah is made up of 286 ayahs.

In the Hadith Abu Hurayrah narrated

that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Do not turn your houses into graves. Indeed Ash-Shaitan does not enter the house in which Surat Al-Baqarah is recited." Ayman is a Hafiz he could easily read whole Surah on own but I want to take part in reciting it as well. So it's only fair if I recite half and he recites half.

I walked up to him and leaned my head against his shoulder, his recitation is absolutely beautiful. He stopped reciting to take a breather. I took this chance to close the gap between us, I closed my eyes and savoured the feeling of his soft lips on mine. "How was work". "Alhamdulilah it was good, theres a week left of term and the students are starting to play up to be honest, thank god the holidays are next week".

"I brought burgers for dinner today from high street come let's go eat!". I heard Ayman chuckling at my excitement, he knows how much I love food. I had demolished my burger within five minutes. The cheeky monkeys in my class make me work up an appetite.

I was getting up from the dining table, when Ayman pulled me back onto his lap. "Ahlam baby don't lie to me, what is the matter with you today. Your not yourself tell me what's wrong". "Nothing Ayman I'm fine". "That's the biggest lie ever it's blatant on your face, that your not fine!".

"Will you drop it!! If I said I'm fine I am fine, now leave me alone!".

As I walked into our room I started feeling soo guilty, I'm such a cow he's always nothing but nice to me and I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling.

***

The term had finally finished and the summer holidays had officially commenced. I had planned a little getaway to Bournemouth. I had rented an Airbnb that was on the beachfront. The doctors still hadn't rang me up about my blood test, I was growing more and more anxious by the day.

I had packed clothes for both of us for a week. I was waiting for Ayman to get back home, he should be home soon because it was half day at school because of the end of term.

I had put the suitcases in the boot of the car, my plan was to make him get into the car and wait until we arrived to our destination, to let him know where were at. I was sitting in the living room finishing reciting Surah Kahf as today is Friday. I could hear Ayman's car pulling into the drive. "Salaam! I've planned something for the next week, go get into some comfy clothes, we're leaving in five".

He came and hugged me tight, "sir! Yes sir!!". He marched and saluted. "Where are we going? And why do we need to leave within five minutes!". "Well it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you would it now".

"Ok cool let me go and put a T-shirt and some shorts on". The weather was boiling outside, it's weird seeing the UK actually sunny and not raining and dreary.I had made sure we had everything we needed for the week so all I had to do was wait on Ayman to get down.

"Come on! Let's see what this adventure has in store for us!!". "Yesss!! Let's go!". The drive should take roughly one and a half hours, and inshallah we will be there in time for check in.

We were half an hour into the drive when my phone had started ringing on the Aux cable. "It's an unknown number should I answer it?". "Yeah answer it god knows who it is". He had put the phone on loudspeaker because I couldn't physically hold the phone and drive at the same time.

"Hi there is this Ahlam Rahman I am speaking to?". "Yes this is she". "Ok! This is Dr Khan speaking and I just wanted to talk to you about your blood test results, is that okay?". "Yeah sure go ahead!". The blood had officially drained from my face, I hadn't meant for Ayman to find out like this. "Okay so the blood test results show that you are not ovulating properly and that your oestrogen levels are high. This is why you and your spouse are struggling to conceive. I am thinking of prescribing you Clomid, this medication should help to regulate your ovulation. And inshallah increase your chances of getting pregnant. I will prescribe for three months. If you are still not pregnant till then, we would have to refer you to a fertility specialist who could try different, fertility options with you to help you conceive. I will send the prescription to your local pharmacy. Does that sound like an appropriate plan?". "Yeah to be honest I'm willing to try anything in order to get pregnant!". "Do you have any other questions". "No that's all thank you, bye!".

As Ayman turned of the phone I could see that his fists had almost turned white. I could hear Ayman reciting أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم, in abundance. This had been mentioned in the Hadith by Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). On that the Prophet said, "I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: 'I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan.' then all is anger will go away." Some body said to him, "The Prophet has said, 'Seek refuge with Allah from Satan.

The remainder of the drive was silent, all I could hear was Ayman reciting Quran in a small voice. I had made him mad, even when angry he didn't even react to be honest if roles were reversed, I wouldn't have reacted the way he did. If I'm honest I would have kind of flipped. His patience is commendable, I sound like a hypocrite, it was wrong of me to hide something like this from him. Inshallah he will be able to forgive me.

The rest of the drive went by quick, I had parked the car and began to take out our luggage. Once we had got into the Airbnb I still had no reaction from Ayman. I guess I deserve the cold shoulder.

The sun was beginning to set, I could hear the sound of the waves crashing against each other. I held my hand out to Ayman, both of us walked out to the beachfront side by side.

The sunset looked absolutely phenomenal! The red, purple and orange colours mixed together to form a splendid sunset. Subhanallah! Allah Swt creations are indeed nothing short of perfection.

I was pulled out of my reverie when Ayman started speaking. "Baby you know how much I love you right?". He spoke in a gentle voice. "Of course I wouldn't even question your love for me. Why'd you ask?".

Why would you hide such a thing from me, the purpose of marriage is to be there for each other. I'm meant to be your teammate. I promised that I will be here for you through the good and the bad. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and the guilt was killing me. "I feel like crap too, I'm yearning to be a father just as much as you want to be a mother. I've seen you around Aizah, the feelings in your eyes are clear as the day. You always preach about how communication is key and whatever not talk to me I'm here to listen".

"Ayman, I'm scared what if we never get pregnant". My voice began to crack, before I knew it I had tears running down my face. Ayman enveloped me in a bear hug. "My love you can't be thinking that way. Allah Swt is the best of planners, maybe he thinks that right now isn't the best for us to become parents. In Surah Luqman there is an ayah which states "be patient over what befalls you". All we can do in this situation is make sincere dua and wait until the time is right for us. Allah Swt has never ever failed us. Indeed our duas are being heard at Tahajjud for Allah is at the lowest heavens at that time of the night. This is a test for both of us, inshallah we will be parents soon. And if not there is other ways of us experiencing parenthood too. Inshallah, inshallah it will all work out it always does".

I pecked Ayman's cheek, "thank you! I feel much better now. And yeah inshallah it will all work out, it was wrong of me to get soo worked up about the situation. I should trust the almighty's plan".

"Can you believe it! In a weeks time it's going to be a year since we've been married. It's crazy I would have never thought I would find the love of my life. You are my world sweetheart, and I'm going to keep loving you till the end of time".

"And I love you more! You are the best life partner anyone could ask for. It's weird to think it all started with an accidental glance at Islamic class".

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