Say, if everything was thrown away

Would living with a smile be easier?

Because my chest is hurting again

Don't say anything more

I was a second year setter. The official setter, the supposedly "best" setter for the team. As if, I don't even feel that way. Despite being the official setter, the team would rather have Ukai-senpai set for them. I just didn't get on with the team that well. I wish I could just throw all my responsibilities away. My studies, volleyball, my accomplishments, skills, money, savings, everything. I would throw them all away to trade for a happy life. A life where I'm satisfied, and feel good about myself. A life where nobody overlooks me or wishes I was somebody else or acted like somebody else. A life where I can smile easier, a life where I was more content with gaining success. Even then, I could always just try to change, but everytime I do so, I always fail, so what's even the point?

"Ukai-senpai, toss for me!"

Ouch, I'm right here... but I guess the fact that they like Ukai-senpai more than me is understandable. I feel the same.

.

.

.

Say, if everything was forgotten

Would living without crying also be easier?

But I can't do things like that

So don't show me anything more

"Nice toss, senpai!"

Nobody ever said to me "nice toss."

I just kind of fade into the background, after I set up the ball for them, they don't thank me. They coldly walk away as if I hadn't just set up that ball for them, but that's fine. I just feel like they're a bit cold to me, though. I came out of nowhere and decided to join the volleyball club, and took the beloved senior's place in the process. I kind of wish I didn't join sometimes, I wish I could just forget everything that has happened to me, so I don't have to bear this baggage of pain. Maybe then, living without crying myself to sleep every night would be easier... but I know life doesn't work like that. It never has worked like that, it never will. I'd rather just not think too much about it.

.

.

.

No matter how close I get to you

My heart is just one

It's awful, it's so awful, I'd rather you

Destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please

Even if I scream, squirm and cause my eyelids to swell

You still hold me tight, you won't let go

So it's okay

Even then, it's odd to be jealous of someone who probably also envies you, isn't it? I was friends with Ukai-san before all of this. We used to go to the same junior high, and used to be on that school's volleyball team. We used to be inseparable, we were connected to the hip. I loved him. He was the one who suggested that I play again... what a mistake that was. Even then, who would've thought things would take this bad of a turn, right?

"Ukai-senpai."

"Hmm, what is it, (Y/n)?"

"Can you toss for me?"

"Huh? You're gonna spike? Can you even do that? You can barely set, I don't even know why coach Ukai let you on the team." One of the guys mocked.

I grabbed the nearest water bottle, and threw it dead on the guy's head.

"What do you want me to do about it, huh?! I didn't make the decision to be on the starting line-up! Also, if I can't set, then why do you MAKE me set to you everytime we're on court? If there's a reason, I wanna hear it."

"That's because I'm the spiker, the ace of the team. Why would you set it to someone else?!"

"I could easily set it to the other players on court, you moron!"

"Calm down, (Y/n)."

"Well, even if, you can't spike. You're way too small to even be a setter, let alone a spiker."

"I'm not trying to be a spiker, goddamn moron! I just want to spike! Also, it's not like I can do anything about being short! What do you want me to do, destroy my body until I can grow taller?! What kind of crappy logic is that?!"

Coach Ukai grabbed my shoulder.

"Calm down, kid. Go take a breather outside."

I bit my lip in spite of that stupid ace, but complied anyway.

On my way out, I felt someone tap on my shoulder.

"(Y/n)."

"Ukai-senpai."

"I'm sorry about (ace/n). He can be a pain in the neck sometimes."

"Yeah, I agree."

Ukai-senpai hugged me from behind. At that point, I felt I was going to just burst into tears.

"Don't let him get to you."

"I won't."

.

.

.

Say, if my wish is granted

I'd want the same thing as you

But becausе I don't exist

Well, at least comе over here

"Hey, happy birthday, (ace/n)!" One of the guys from the volleyball team, Shimada, cheered.

"Thanks, Shimada."

I stood in the corner, just practicing my sets. The "birthday party" is so loud. They talk really loudly.

"Say, what's your birthday wish?" Another member asked.

"It's simple, I wish that stupid second year wasn't our setter. I hate him, I wish he didn't exist in the first place."

I looked upon them.

"If that means I don't have to set up my sets for you, then I wish the same." I told him.

"..."

I simply smiled, then walked away. I think I've had enough practice for today.

"(Y/n)!" Ukai-senpai said as he ran towards me.

"Ukai-senpai."

"Are you OK?"

"Huh, I'm OK." I replied.

He hugged me. "If you don't feel fine, you can always talk to me."

I hugged him back as tears pricked my eyes. "I'm just tired. I think I'm gonna go home, and rest."

"OK. See you tomorrow."

"See you."

I continued to walk back to my house. My face was pretty red, I was blushing, even if Ukai-senpai and I hadn't done anything explicit or intimate... I just needed to hear those words.

.

.

.

"(Y/n)! Your face is so red, are you OK?" My elder sister, Rika, asked.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine."

"Is it Ukai-kun?"

"Huh?! What made you think that?!"

"Well... you're pretty obvious. Did he ask you out?"

"What? No, he didn't."

"Ugh, did you ask him out?"

"No!"

"Ugh... can you ask him out?"

"For you?"

"For YOU, you idiot! Ask him out, so you can finally stop PINING over him."

"... fine."

.

.

.

No matter how much I'm loved by you

My heart is just one

"Ukai-senpai... would you consider going out with me as more than friends?"

"Huh? More than friends? (Y/n), I'm not gay."

"... oh. OK, sorry for bothering you, Ukai-senpai."

.

.

.

Stop, stop, don't be so kind

Whatever I do, I can't understand

It hurts, it hurts, teach me with words

I don't know this, don't leave me alone

It's awful, it's so awful, I'd rather you

Destroy my body, tear it into sheds, do as you please

Even if I scream, squirm and cause my eyelids to swell

You still hold me tight, you won't let me go

So it's okay

"But... if you really want to go, we can go out as friends."

"It's OK, Ukai-senpai. If you don't want to, it's fine."

"No, I insist. If you want to, I don't really wanna hurt your feelings."

"... you're not like that to anyone else, so why me?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you so kind to me? I'm just some loser who took your position as setter, and you're still kind to me."

"(Y/n), even if you're the starting line-up's setter, it doesn't matter at the end of the day, since we win anyway."

He patted my head. "Here's a pack of tissue paper, in case you need it."

"Thanks, Ukai-senpai."

He smiled, then walked away.

.

.

.

Say, if I had a heart

How would I find it?

Smiling a little, you say

"Well about that, it's right here."

I stared at my reflection for a bit, before realizing Shimada-san was in the toilet as well.

"Hey, why are you crying, (L/n)?"

I smiled a bit.

"No reason, really."

He patted my head, and washed his hand.

"Shimada-san..."

"Yes, (Y/n)?"

"... if I had a heart, where would I find it?"

Shimada-san looked at me confused.

"Hmm..."

"It's a dumb question, if you don't understand it, you don't really need to answer it." I sighed.

He smiled. "I think I understand it. And it would be right here," he replied as he touched my chest, where my heart was, for a split second before walking out of the bathroom. "It's always been there, you just hadn't realized it."

He shut the door to the bathroom, leaving me all alone inside.

Why did my heart-beat rate start increasing?