"I'm Yamaguchi Tadashi. How are you feeling today, (L/n)-kun?" Yamaguchi asked.

(L/n), or (Y/n), looked up at Yamaguchi, then looked away. "Why do you care?"

"... sorry."

"Don't pay him any mind, Yamaguchi. He's just mean." Hinata said.

"Tsk, as if a pip-squeak like you would understand adult business," (L/n) remarked with a smirk on his face.

"Why you! I'm not a kid!"

"You sure are acting like one."

Hinata watched with pure anger as (Y/n) walked away.

"This guy. He came to our school in the middle of the semester, and he's already acting like this." Kageyama rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. It's such a pain." Tsukishima agreed.

What they didn't know is that (Y/n) heard every word they said about him. But these aren't real men, right? Men aren't supposed to... well, act like that. They shouldn't express feelings, or even feel them at all. The only thing they should do is be logical, and not be emotional. And they shouldn't feel love... only women do that. They're the ones who feel emotions, right? Right? It... can't be helped, though. It's not like it's possible to completely rid of every single emotion. His father was a raging misogynist, but he wasn't going to believe that all women are bad. That's just not cool. He didn't show this to his dad, otherwise he'd be beaten to a fuckin' pulp, but he just left them alone. Unlike some of the other guys in his class, he respected women (contrary to his father), and never bothered them by flirting with them or making cringy and inappropriate jokes about them. He just didn't like that. But he believes his father when he says boys don't cry.

"Dumbass child! You're so dumb, why would you cry?!"

"It hurts, pa! Stop... please!"

"Not until you learn! Boys don't cry!"

"Stop! Please... just stop it! Stop!"

Boys don't cry.

Boys don't cry..

Boys don't cry.....

But... I want to cry.

(Y/n) walked back to his house, where his mother was cooking dinner, and his father was watching football on the couch.

"Pa."

"What?"

"You're bleeding." (Y/n) pointed out as he pointed to his father's abdoment.

"So what?"

"Do you want to treat that?"

"No. When us men get hurt, we suck it up, remember?"

"Oh.. right, sorry pa."

"I don't care."

"..."

(Y/n) walked away, to his room. Suck it up... huh.

.

.

.

(Y/n) was in the classroom. He'd taken accustom to stay a bit longer to study. The reason he joined the volleyball club was because his father wanted him to do sports, he really didn't care much for the sport, but he had the height, and it was an easy sport. Today, however, Daichi was pretty pissed, and wasn't taking the "I'm staying late to study" shit, so he had Yamaguchi go fetch the hard headed boy.

"Yamaguchi, go get (L/n)."

"Come on, Daichi-san. He'll be here in a bit." Hinata said.

"I don't care, go get him."

Yamaguchi agreed, and went to his classroom to bring him to practice. Instead of seeing him in classroom, however, he was nowhere to be found.

"Huh?"

Yamaguchi walked to the hall, where two girls were putting away cleaning supplies. Maybe they've seen (L/n)?

"Excuse me, but have you seen (L/n)-kun?"

"Yeah! He just went to throw garbage bags for us!"

"Mhm. He's a very kind boy, one of the nicest in our year!"

Yamaguchi chuckled. "I'm sorry, is that... a joke? He's pretty rude..."

"...? No, he isn't. Well, not to us girls, at least. He really helps us with the really perverted boys in our year, did you know?"

"Really? I didn't know that."

"Yeah. Many girls like him 'cause of that; he respects women."

Yamaguchi nodded. "Oh. I should go get him, before Daichi-san gets mad at me."

"Oh, that's right. I heard Sawamura-san got rejected today, so he's really really pissed off."

"Ohhhhh. That's why he's so mad. Anyways, I'll be going now, see you."

"See you, Yamaguchi-kun."

Once outside, he can see (L/n) throwing away trash bags from the girls.

"(L/n)! Daichi-san is really pissed at you. You need to go to practice."

(L/n) didn't give Yamaguchi a single glance, as he walked away.

"I have something important to do. Just tell Sawamura-san I'll be skipping for the day."

"... you can't just skip! Does volleyball not mean anything to you?"

"I mean... not really. I just joined because I had to. Really, I kinda want to be a manager, but he won't be pleased- actually, why am I telling you this? I'm going now, bye."

Yamaguchi sighed, but as (L/n) was waving his hand to go, he noticed a burn mark. That was odd, but maybe it was just an accident. He decided to just go to practice.

"Where's (L/n)?" Sugawara asked.

"Um, he said there was something that came up, and he to go home early."

"He should've told one of us. He really should've."

"..."

.

.

.

"Oh? Why are you here so early?"

"Um, I didn't want to go to clubs today. I'm not feeling well."

"Suck it up, and go back."

"What? Pa, I'm really feeling shitty here-"

"I don't care. Suck it up, and go back or get the belt."

"... Um... I'd rather take the belt, honestly."

(Y/n)'s father smiled as he took off his brown leather belt.

.

.

.

The lighter under the pillow.

The lighter.

The lighter.

Burn.

Burn.

Burn.

Burn.

Crave it.

Crave it.

Crave it.

He grabbed the lighter under the pillow, lit it up, and put his arms under the small flame. The room was dark, the only source of light was the lighter that was running along his arms. It was stinging, and it was burning hot, but he sucked it up. He hadn't eaten in a couple of days, he was hungry, and was craving food, but it disgusted him. He wasn't satisfied with anything in his life, he just wanted to end it all. Honestly... I just want to die. Right here, right now.

.

.

.

Yamaguchi kept his eyes on (L/n) to make sure he was fine. Even if he didn't like him much, he couldn't help but feel a bit concerned after overthinking about the burn marks. He noticed that he wouldn't eat any food.

He pushed a tray of ramen onto the table (L/n) was sitting on.

"What?" (L/n) asked.

"I bought that for you. I noticed you weren't eating."

"... I don't need your pity."

"... can you not afford food?"

"I can."

"Then why not eat it? There's so many more people less fortunate than you who can't afford good food."

"Then give this to the unfortunate. I don't want to eat this."

"... but... why?"

"I'm not obligated to tell you everything. It's none of your business."

"Please just eat some of it? If you don't, then you won't be able to function."

(L/n) sighed. He picked up the chopsticks, and put some of the food into his mouth, before spitting it back out.

"I can't. This shit is gross."

"Really? I'm eating it, and I'm fine."

"... of course you are."

"Are you... um, are you cibophobic?"

"No. I just don't wanna eat, alright? Is that what you wanted? For me to admit it?"

Yamaguchi looked astounded at (L/n).

"But why?"

"Because I'm not hungry." I'm fucking starving.

"Oh... but I still feel like you should eat this-"

"No thanks."

"... please? You might grow hungry in the middle of class, and you won't be able to focus-"

"If I get hungry in class, I can suck it up. I'm not a pushover."

"... um, alright..."

.

.

.

Yamaguchi couldn't help but worry over the teammate who wanted to be a manager, otherwise known as (L/n). He doesn't eat, but he doesn't complain that he's hungry. His hands and arms has a lot of burn marks, so does his legs, but he never complained about it. They seemed to sting, and fresh, but he never mentioned it.

But Yamaguchi was certain he'd be able to get to the bottom of this. Just because he seemed a hostile, doesn't mean he's an asshole.

Right now, Yamaguchi was walking around to find the oh-so-late boy to get him to practice when he heard someone singing a song. He recognized the voice, but it sounded so high-pitched, he was sure it must've been one of the girls in his class.

"'Cause you're just a man

It's just what you do

Your head in your hands

As you color me blue

Yeah, you're just a man

All through and through

Your head in your hands

As you color me blue

Blue, blue, blue..."

It was coming from the music room. He decided to take a look through the door to see none other than the very person he was looking for; (L/n).

"Goddamn, man child

You act like a kid even though you stand six foot two..."

(Y/n)'s fingers glided through the keys of the piano as he sang the Lana Del Rey song he was listening to through his headphones.

"Self-loathing poet, resident Laurel Can-you-know-it-all

You talk to the walls when the party gets bored of you

But I don't get bored, I just see it through

Why wait for the best when I could have you?

You"

The tears that were falling like droplets of rain stained his (s/c) cheeks. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He wasn't supposed to feel anything at all. He just wished he didn't. Then he wouldn't be drowning in this never ending sea of sorrow. Then he wouldn't be dragged down into an infinite hole of blues by a black dog.

"(L/n)...?"

He turned around, and saw Yamaguchi staring at him in awe.

"What?"

"Um, I didn't know you could sing."

"... nobody knew."

Yamaguchi closed the door behind them, as he walked nearer to the piano.

"You wanted to be in the music club, didn't you?"

"..."

"I always noticed you liked piano."

"How?" (L/n) asked.

"I may or may not have been observing you from afar."

"Creep. No wonder I felt like someone is watching me."

"I wasn't stalking you or anything! Just watching at school."

"Still, it doesn't change the fact that it's creepy."

"Yeah, sorry."

The two were staring at each other silently, before Yamaguchi asked (L/n) something.

"... can you sing that song again?"

"What song?"

"The one you were singing right now."

"You mean Norman fucking Rockwell by Lana Del Rey?"

"Um... is that the name?"

"Yeah. The "you're just a man, it's just what you do," song."

"Ah, yes. Could you sing that?"

"Sure."

So, the entire time they should've been practicing, (Y/n) and Tadashi were in the music room singing, and talking. Then, it was time to leave.

"Ah, I didn't even get to go to practice. But... it was totally worth it."

(Y/n) smiled a bit. "I guess..."

"So you do have a soft side."

"... I'm not 'soft'."

"Pfft-"

"What?"

"That's an innuendo."

"What? I don't get it."

"Hahahaha, OK, OK, you do you, I guess."

(Y/n) sighed. "I really don't understand you."

"I don't really understand you either. How you act, how you talk, why you're like... that. But all I know is that you're not as awful as we think."

"... perhaps I am. What would you do?"

"I don't know, but I know you're not a bad person."

"... right. Thanks for believing that."

"Mhm."

.

.

.

(Y/n) and Tadashi, despite being completely different, they managed to become boyfriends. Hinata, Yachi, Tsukishima, and Kageyama were SHOCKED when he found out that Yamaguchi Tadashi was dating the oh-so-hostile (L/n) (Y/n). But Tadashi knew (Y/n) wasn't so bad. Not as bad as people think, at least. He was a bit bitter, but he wasn't a bad person. But they realized the same as well. They knew (Y/n) just wasn't one to be emotional. But soon, he came out of his shell, and that was pretty much thanks to Tadashi. He helped (Y/n) express emotions more regularly, and had taught him that bottling up emotions wasn't healthy. But still, he didn't know (Y/n) was burning himself nor was he able to get (Y/n) to eat. But then, there was a camping trip for all of the first years.

"Alright, we're having Yamaguchi-kun, (L/n)-kun, Tsukishima-kun, Hinata-kun and Kageyama-kun in one group. Yamaguchi-kun and Tsukishima-kun are in charge of setting up the tents. Hinata-kun is in charge of food supplying, (L/n)-kun is in charge of making the bonfire, and Kageyama-kun is in charge of cooking. Good luck."

The five boys went their own way to the place they thought was best to put up their tents. There would be 2 tents, Tadashi and (Y/n) in one, and Tsukishima, Hinata, and Kageyama in the other one.

They all went to do their tasks. This task was easy for (Y/n), as he bought a lighter. He lit the fire with his lighter, and put in more firewood, some dead grass and some dead leaves, so the flames would be big enough to last them the night.

"Hey, I'm done." (Y/n) announced to the group.

"Great, could you roast the marshmallows?" Hinata asked.

"Uh, are we gonna eat them?"

"Well, of course. Every bonfire camp, there's marshmellows!"

"Um, I'd... rather not eat them, but I'll roast them."

"OK... thanks!"

(Y/n) sat near the fire, as he roasted the marshmellows on a stick. He then put the marshmallows onto a paper plate that Hinata gave him, but as he was going back to grab the uncooked marshmallows, his arm grazed the fire. His skin against the burning fire was a feeling that wasn't pleasant, but it was something he needed in order to live his normal life.

He purpously burnt his hands and arms while making the marshmallows, and Tsukishima and Tadashi definitely noticed this odd behavior.

"Hey, do you need help with that marshmallow thing or something? You're really burning your arms and hands doing it." Tsukishima said.

"Oh yeah! There's even burn marks here, and there." Hinata said as he pointed to (Y/n)'s arms.

"Yeah, they were accidents when I was... cooking..."

Tadashi looked at (Y/n), confused. The reason being (Y/n) didn't cook.

"(Y/n), could you come here for a second?"

(Y/n) nodded as he walked to where Tadashi was.

"Yeah?"

"(Y/n), where did you get these burn marks? I've been wondering for a while."

"Um..."

"If you don't wanna say it, you don't have to."

He nodded. He wanted to cry at that, but... boys don't cry. Even if Tadashi said he should regularly express his feelings, it's been so tough. His father just found out that he was feeling emotions, and his punishments were worsened.

"Thanks."

"Mhm."

"Hey loverboys, the marshmallows are done. Come eat." Tsukishima said.

The two went to the bonfire quickly, and the four boys ate.

"(L/n), don't you want some?" Kageyama asked.

"I'm fine." I'm not.

"If you insist."

They all chatted as (Y/n) looked at the marshmallows. He was starving, but he hated the thought of eating. He dreaded the idea of eating. But... it's been almost a month since he last has eaten a normal meal. Last time he ate was when his father forced a steak into his mouth after seeing that he wouldn't eat, which was a few weeks ago. After that, he hasn't eaten. He only eats when he is forced to.

So fucking hungry. I'm so hungry....

(Y/n) collapsed onto the ground, and Tadashi couldn't wake him up.

"(Y/n)... (Y/n)! This isn't funny, get up!" Tadashi exclaimed. Tears pricked in his eyes as panic started to set in. "Someone get a teacher! I don't care who!"

Kageyama rushed to get a teacher to take (Y/n) to get treated.

"What happened?"

"He just fainted! We don't know why!" Hinata shouted.

"Sensei, you should call an ambulance. He should get these burns treated too." Tsukishima collectively said.

"Alright."

The ambulance came to get the boy to the hospital.

"Is he gonna be OK, doctor?" Tadashi asked.

"We don't know, kid. But we hope so."

.

.

.

Where am I?

I hear... beeping, and I hear a faint conversation. Am I at the hospital? I think so.

(Y/n) opened his eyes, where he was met with a blinding ceiling light.

"Agh, so bright-"

Slap.

He hissed as he looked at the person who slapped him. His father.

"Um, (L/n)-san, you shouldn't do that-"

"You! You really fainted?! I have never thought you were so weak as to do so!"

"Pa-"

"Shut up!"

"Stop!"

(Y/n) looked at where the voice came from. Tadashi.

"Tadashi-"

"Why you! Don't get involved with this shit-"

"SHUT UP! I won't let you hurt him. He almost died, and your first thought is to slap him?"

I almost died?

"He shouldn't be so weak, and you shouldn't be encouraging this type of pussy behavior."

"This what? Excuse me?" Tadashi cringed. "Um.. whatever. That doesn't matter right now."

"(L/n)-san, please calm down." A doctor said as he entered the room. "And you need to talk to me for a second."

His father walked out of the room, leaving the two boys alone.

"So... um, what happened?" (Y/n) asked.

"The doctor said you could've died because you were starving yourself." Tadashi said. "They said they think you might be anorexic..."

"Hmm... oh."

"What's up with your dad?" Tadashi asked.

"I... um, he's just the definition of the stereotypical cishet men."

"Oh man. Alright."

"Yeah."

"So, why'd you starve yourself?"

"I just... I don't know. I just wanted an escape."

"By starving yourself?"

"I guess..."

"The doctor said you should get a therapist-"

"HE DOESN'T NEED A THERAPIST!"

Tadashi and (Y/n) looked at the door as they heard (Y/n)'s dad yell out.

"Um..."

"He's talking to the doctor."

"Mhm. Uh, can I ask you another question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you burn yourself?"

"Huh?"

"Well um, the doctor figured this was intentional burns because of how many marks there are, and you didn't have any kind of history with any arsonal cases, so... yeah."

"Um... well, I don't know either. It was from when I was young. My dad burnt my leg, and it became kinda a weird habit for me to burn myself instead of crying because... my dad didn't let me cry."

"What?"

"He said boys don't cry, and when I do, he'd whip me with a belt."

This took Tadashi by surprise. "What? That's... that's just cruel... so you burn yourself from habit?"

"Yeah."

"Um... yeah, you definitely need to talk to someone about it."

"I know. Maybe... I could just ignore him for once, and get therapy..."

"Mhm, you should."