Damon

Present Day

"I-I hope one day you can forgive me for that night" I said to her remembering the night I held my gun at her. I can never forgive myself for that. "I already did, Damon. Long time ago and you know it. It's just seeing your gun -" "brought the memories back. You have forgiven me but hadn't forgotten yet" I completed what she was saying. "I never think I could ever forget that" she said "Me neither " I could never get over the fact that I could be that horrible. That even for a slightest second I thought of killing them, and not hurting her in like a punishment but actually wanting to fire the bullet at her.

She hugged me and I kissed her head. I kept her close to me as I thought about everything that happened since that night

Three years ago

I woke up with a terrible headache. On the floor with the pillow and the blanket? That's strange. But then my eyes went to her, and I know how I have the pillow and covers. The broken glass wasn't there and neither were my shoes. My gun too wasn't on the floor. I looked at her sleeping sitting over there. The headache was too much but the pain of what I did was much more. I saw dried tears on her face and wanted to shoot myself with that gun. How? How it happened? How I held my gun at her. If she hadn't slapped me, what would I have done. If I didn't pass out after her slap, what would I have done. Could I have actually shot her?

No! I can't. I mean it was just a threat to scare her, wasn't it? I wrapped her with the duvet, at least whatever I could wrap her with one hand and went to shower. I need a break from these emotions that I am feeling right now.

When I came out I saw her awake. I saw her smiling looking that the duvet. Can anyone have that big of a heart to forgive what I did last night? Can I even look at her, guess not because I turned my face as she realized I came out of the bathroom.

"Where is my gun?" Its the first thing I said because it's the only thing that came to my mind to break the silence and yet not give my guilt away. "Why you want to try again?" She commented moving towards the drawers. "I am not aborting the baby" she said taking out the gun and I let out a breath of relief. Thank God. I would be better off dead if I would have made her go through this. "I am leaving" She said out of the blue. I thought she might have to go to her gynecologist maybe or maybe shopping so I thought to tell her that John won't be available. She generally takes him and last night was crazy "Where to? Take someone else, John must be still sleeping" I told her, but then what I heard kind of spun my world "I-I meant I am leaving home, leaving you. I don't need any driver." She said. I couldn't say anything, she is leaving me. How could she. No, she can't leave me. She is mine. She will always be mine. Even if I kill her I won't let her go.

I held her elbow. My rage caught up with me again. I couldn't let her go. The fact that she even thought about leaving me was making me loose my brain. "You are not going anywhere." I told her trying to control my anger. "I am. Why won't I?" She pushed me over the edge with her reply. "Because I said so." I pulled her closer. I was hurting her even more and the whimper that escaped her lips proved that I am doing a good job. "You think you can defy me. It's not in you Doll to disobey me and you know it." My anger got the best of me and made me hurt her even more. "I did once. You go everyday to the hospital to see the reminder of that." But what she said hurt much more than the physical pain that I was giving her at the moment. I lost my patience resulting in slapping her. I couldn't control when she mentioned Ric. I need to end this conversation before I became more hurtful.

"YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, End of discussion" I said making every word loud and clear and stepped away from her only to control myself before I tear her apart even more. "But you don't want me anymore, why you want me to stay when you --" I do want you. It can never be that I don't want. I love you too much to let you go, you-" I said grabbing her jaw making her look at me. Why does she always think that, doesn't she know I am crazy for her. I am so addicted to her. I can kill her but can never let her go. I made that clear to her long time ago "But you don't want my child" she said. Child, again the child. Only I know how much I want that child. Its her baby, our baby, how can I not want it, I always wanted my child. I just don't feel that I would be enough. What kind of a father will I be if I can't protect my baby. The thoughts kept grasping me while I took my gun to leave the room. I can't look in her eyes.

I said to her just as I reached the door. I don't know why I finally said but I did "Would you want a baby knowing you could never hold it in your arms." How unlucky am I that I can see my baby but can't hold it in my arms. I can imagine my little girl running to me with her tiny feet but I can't extend both my arms to hold her. I am so cursed that I get to have the touch of my child but I couldn't feel it.

"Yes" she said breaking my thoughts responding to my rhetorical question. She turned me to her "I would want the baby even if I couldn't ever touch it. Even if I couldn't see our child, I want it to live. I would never want our baby to be dead. You know why because our baby will be a part of you Damon. A part of me. It will be our child. Our love. I will always want to have a part of you." She held my arms "I believe that you will be able to hold your child in your arms one day. Just don't give up Damon. Please. Not on yourself, not on us" I don't know why she loves me so much, I don't deserve her.

My eyes went to her hand holding mine and the fact that my arm cannot feel the touch of my Doll kind of broke me.

I left the room and leaned on the door closing it. Can I ever get over this? She says it will be fine soon. How? She has been trying all sorts of exercises with me without failing one day. No matter how much I push her away still she made me do those exercises everyday except last night and she never fails to give me medicines still there is not even a little progress. How can she keep her hopes so high.

I sat in my office leaning on the chair when Enzo came in. I rolled my eyes because I know what was coming. "Oh No, don't worry I am not saying anything" he said mocking me. "Look I know I got a bit reckless last night, I wasn't in my senses. I was too drunk" I kind of gave my excuse. "You don't go killing people on being drunk, did you even think for a second what it will do to your reputation" he scolded me, what the hell is he talking about, what reputation? I thought. "Don, people are talking, and trust me its concerning" he said "Talking? huh, What can they do if I go and end this Chinese whispers by killing the people who started these" I retorted "See this is the attitude I am pissed off with. You are the Don, not a serial killer. All I am saying is control. Cartel won't accept a rabid dog for a Don." he said warning, that they will remove me or kill me if I keep up going like this.

I thought once I will kill Russo, this will end. This hunger will end. Maybe once I take my revenge my bloodthirst will go but it ain't going. Every emotion, every moment of helplessness I am going through is turning into this. I end up killing people, hurting her, always hurting her. I try to explain myself that its not her fault that I can't move my hand, it's not her fault that my brother is not waking up and it's sure as hell not her fault that I am so weak that I cannot accept it. "Don?" he said tapping my hand bringing me out of my thoughts. "Yeah?" I asked as I didn't hear a word what he said. "Nothing, just forget it, here have a drink" he said passing me a glass of bourbon. I shook my head "No, I don't feel like it." He almost spilled his drink "Are you serious? You are saying NO to whiskey, that's new" he said sarcastically. I didn't respond. I can't do that again what I did last night. I cannot go to the extend of killing the woman I love. Bourbon used to help me control my temper my rage but last night it kind of triggered it. What I did last night was because I was so drunk. Too drunk to realize that the woman I am about to kill was the reason I want to live.

Months passed and I never drink after that night. I know she notices it but she didn't say anything. Neither did I. We don't talk anymore. We are only together when we are having meals or exercises for my hand, which I can't do without her. Though there wasn't any improvement not even a slightest but she just don't give up.

She didn't leave, I know she wouldn't. I would have dragged her back even she did. Everyone these days are busy taking care of her. She is glowing these days. She was shining, her skin became more glowing. With this blush on her cheeks and her growing belly she looks like a big tub of cherry ice cream.

She gets sick too. Too often. Alysia said it her morning sickness and it quite usual. She eats a lot of Chinese dimsums with that hot sauce these days, weird is she cannot eat spaghetti anymore, which I knew was her favorite but Alysia told the smell is getting to her. Strange. She goes to hospital everyday to meet Ric, so do I yet we never go together. I want to go to her appointments but we never went together there too. She never told me and I was too caught up in my guilt to ask her. She always take Alysia or Enzo. Enzo is taking care of her more than I. He too tells me everything that goes on with her. He keeps her happy. She laughs with him. I know she misses me, I miss her so much. We sleep on the same bed yet there is so much distance between us now.

I know she is not sleeping right now, might be just staring outside the glass doors at the night sky. Neither am I. I am lying here next to her yet so far from her. All I want right now is to pull her in my embrace but every time I look at her, the blurry vision of me pointing my gun at her with my finger on the trigger, comes in front of me. No matter how drunk I was, I knew that if I would have applied the slightest pressure, the bullet would have pierced her body. The worst part was I was ready to apply it.

I cannot see myself that way. Also she is so perfect and I feel so unworthy of her. Last night she almost fell and I couldn't held her in time because she was on my right side and by the time I would have reached her to hold her from my left hand she would have fallen only if Enzo didn't hold her in time. I can't protect her anymore, neither will I be able to protect my child. What if my baby fell and I couldn't hold it in time. I sat up with a jolt on that thought. She got up too surprised that why I did. She was about to ask me what happened but I left. I left the room before she could say anything to me. God, in these anxious moments I miss my Bourbon. It used to keep me hold my ground. Withdrawal is a bitch, there is not a second when I am not craving for alcohol but I need to suppress the urge.

I came down later and saw her talking and laughing with Alysia, she made cupcakes for Caprice and they are taking them to her. She is looking so beautiful. A smile came to me seeing her laugh, her laugh was so infectious. Her laugh made you laugh so did her cries. Her pain made you cry too. "Why don't you go to her? How long will you keep on stealing glances?" I heard Charles behind me and I smiled at him. "I would have if I could have" I said looking at her "You can if you will" he said and I shuffled his hair "You have grown intelligent huh, older and wiser" I teased him and he chuckled. "She misses you" he said as I moved past him "So do I kid" I said "So do I" I said patting his shoulder, right then before I could leave my phone rang and she looked at me. Now she knows I was staring at her. Fuck

My phone rang and finally after eight months I heard a good news. Though the moment I answered the call, Caprice's sobs made my pulse drop. "Cap, why are you crying?" I said and that caught everyone's attention. "Don, can you come?" She asked. "Of course I can come. I am on my way. But tell me what happened" I said coming down the stairs. "Your brother- your brother wants to meet you." She said there was some disturbance in the line "Hello Caprice?" I asked thinking I might lost her due to bad reception but I didn't. "Hey Brother, I thought you would be here already" I halted in my steps hearing his voice. I was so stunned that I almost fell if the couch wasn't at my back to support me. "Don easy-" she reached me holding me from falling "What happened? Don what happened?" She was asking me and I couldn't say anything. She still can sometime keep me over her prestige and talks to me unlike me who hasn't have in me to keep her over my guilt. She probably thinks it's my ego.

She took the phone from my hand and put it on speaker "Hello Caprice?" She said in the phone "Cinderella" he called her what he used to call her "Ric, Oh my God. Ric. I can't believe I am hearing your voice." She said blissfully. There was so much gratitude in her voice. She was so relieved and so was I. In all these months finally it felt like a weight is lifted off my chest. My baby brother is finally awake. He will come home "You coming?" I heard Charles and realized they are all the door already. "Yeah" I said and reached them.

"Woah someone got bigger" we laughed at Ric's reaction on Sophia's pregnancy. "I am happy for you brother" He said and extended his hand for me to shake fading my smiles. A frown appeared on his face when I didn't shake his hand. "Brother?" He said and I gave him a light punch on his shoulder with my left hand. "Thanks buddy, but you need to rest too. Lay down." I told him "No I don't, I am done resting. I just need to go home" "And so do I, and soon we will" Caprice replied him and he pulled her in his arms on his bed making all of us laugh at their silly cheesy romance.

I felt a hand on my hand and turned to see who held it. It was her. She was not laughing like others, she was holding my wrist too strongly and her other hand reached to her stomach "Doll" I held her and so did Alysia "Donna you okay?" She asked and we got everyone's attention. She left us and went in the bathroom. I followed her but she locked the door. "Doll ? Open the door. You okay?" I knocked on it and in few seconds I could see her near the door via translucent glass of the door. She held it but didn't or maybe couldn't open it. I saw the reflection of her hand on the door as she kept her hand on the glass. But then it slid leaving the red mark and I pushed the door open with my kicks. I saw her on the floor, she wasn't unconscious but she was in pain. Too much pain. She stretched her hand towards me and her hand had blood on it and then my eyes went to her dress where I could see blood stains no, she can't be. My baby. I reached her and she held my shirt too tightly. "Sa-save o-our ba-baby Da-Damon" she said, her voice was breaking and was followed by a shrieking scream. She was in too much pain. Soon the nurses came and took her. Probably Caprice has called them.

I was pacing outside the labor room. We all were. Me, Caprice, Alysia, Charles. Enzo came too. Ric was too here though he was still on a wheel chair. Doctors said it would be comfortable for him if he avoided much muscle stress.

It's just eight months, she can't be delivering. But the bleeding. What if my child. No! I was so stressed. My mind went to the time when Zack told me I lost my child. I don't think I can listen those words again and neither can she. Really now you want that baby alive, remember you wanted to kill it. You almost went through with it. My conscience barked at me. Yes, I did it. I practically almost killed my baby and now even the thought is feeling like someone has stabbed me and left me to bleed. I was never so scared before in my life.

The doctor came out "Don, her body is not fit to carry on the pregnancy and your baby is not healthy enough to come out of the comfort of the mother's womb." She told me. "Wh-what a-are you saying? I-I can't loose them. Please I beg you save them." I couldn't believe my ears myself that instead of threatening her to kill her and her family I am begging her to save mine. She rubbed her hand on mine which had no effect on me "You need to choose Don. I can give her the meds and keep her here until your baby is fit enough but if we carry on the pregnancy she will die giving birth. She is too weak. She needs to deliver the child right now. I need to do the surgery she can't do labor. But I am not sure if your baby will survive the premature birth."

I sat on the bench. Disheartened and crushed, she wanted me to choose between my girl and my child. She wanted me to save our child, she would always want me to save our child. Won't it be selfish of me to ignore her choice when she clearly said to save her child. "Don, you need to answer now, you are the father. It has to be your decision" the doctor said holding my shoulder, but I couldn't say anything.

Right now I can't even see anyone except her. The only thing I can see was her eyes that I saw in that auction hall. The first time I ever saw her. She was so delicate and beautiful. There was so much pain in her eyes yet I could see the dreams, a little hope, she was broken and empty yet had a glimmer of desire to live. The voices were all blurred around me and all I could here was her voice, her laughter, her giggles.

"Don-" "Just give him a moment, will you? Its not like you are asking him to choose between apples and oranges" Enzo cut off the Doctor before she could have pressed more. "Save my wife" I said and they went quite. "Are you sure, Don?" the doctor asked for confirmation "Yes, Save Sophia. I want her alive" I said and I was as sure of this as I was on that day when told Marc that I want her. I still want her. "Please sign these papers" the nurse brought few documents and I was about to but just couldn't, its like her voice echoed in my ears "Sa-save o-our ba-baby Da-Damon" I know she will be shattered. Am I betraying her?

"Don you can take your time, don't stress. It's not like they will hold the surgery" I heard Caprice as she held my hand. I gave her half a smile "I am sure about this" I said and signed the document.

"You signed with your left hand. Why?" Asked Ric bewildered. "Um-we will talk about it later kiddo, let's see Soph first" Enzo said before I could form a sentence. "No-I don't understand you didn't shake my hand, and now you used your left hand , why? I mean what's that I-" "it doesn't move. Paralyzed" I told him. There is no point dragging it. It's not like anything is going to change. "My right hand is paralyzed" "What? Fuck. How are you holding up?" He said and I nodded "Nothing that you have to worry about, kiddo." I said shuffling his hair.