Caring about people and having feelings for them and shit, it's nothing but a bunch of bullshit I swear it. I mean look at this shit, I basically just sacrificed my life twice for this ungrateful kid and all that he can think about is himself.

So what do I get for doing what I did for him?

Nothing.

Just him being pissed at me because things didn't go his way. Not him being thankful that I saved both our asses. I don't even need him to say thank you but damn some simple gratitude would be nice.

Honestly, I don't even really care about the fact that he's mad.

Steven can be mad all he wants. What's really bothering me is the fact that he likes to assign blame but when something is actually his fault he can't accept that.

You know what?

Fuck him.

I feel this sprout of laughter take over me.

Fucking him is exactly what I won't be doing tonight, or any night to come for that matter.

In all seriousness, we've yet to go that far. And I would never push the subject of sex with him. I'm not a virgin so to speak because I've slept with plenty of girls, but I've never slept with a guy. And he knows that I want to have sex with him.

But on the other hand, he is a virgin and...I don't know. I guess I'm just so used to being with girls and sleeping with them whenever I pleased that I'm not used to not being able to sleep with the person that I want to, when I want to.

And I would never 'cheat' on Steven and go have sex with a female just because he won't sleep with me. But I'm not going to lie and act like he doesn't piss me off when he acts like he doesn't want to sleep with me at all.

I mean maybe it's not an act.

We've been fooling around with each other for a while now and I'll continue to wait as long as he needs me to until we can take that next step, but my feelings for him are starting to get kind of more than personal, and I don't think it's the same for him.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on with him these days. Or with us. But to be honest I don't feel like wasting my time by wrecking my brain to try and figure it out.

I helped him today, not once but twice. Twice I saved his ass.

God only knows what my parents would do to me if they knew I was attracted to guys. I take enough shit and enough hits as it is on the football field, I don't need even more at home.

Steven's parents are an entirely different story though. They are all traditional and shit. Hell they'd probably disown him or something crazy like that if they ever find out what he's doing with his best friend in the closet. His parents creep me the fuck out.

There's a knock on my room door.

''Come in,'' I yell. I see my little brother Cody running down the stairs. Yes, down the stairs.

I took the basement and converted it into my room. I know my house is basically like a mansion there's ten rooms in this house, but I like the basement. I get peace, privacy, and it's...secure.

''Did you finish your homework yet?'' I ask him when he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He walks over to me. I sit up on my bed and look at him.

''Almost—''

''Then we can almost talk, after you finish your homework.'' I tell him. I pick my cellphone up from beside me on my bed. Cody sighs, causing me to look back over at him. ''Do you need me to help you?'' I ask him.

He shakes his head.

I put my phone down.

''Come here,'' I say, gesturing for him to have a seat next to me. He sits beside me on my bed. His head is hung low, but I catch a glimpse of his expression and I can see that something is bothering them.

''What's up?'' I ask him. He shrugs. That's a tell sign that I'm going to have to ease this out of him.

Cody is very closed off when he wants to be for reasons that I completely understand. When you grow up in a household like this you learn to be invisible, quiet, and keep every thought that crosses your mind to yourself at all times.

''Cody you can tell me what's bothering you, I'm your brother you can always tell me anything.'' I assure him. He glances up at me with that worried look of his in his emerald eyes.

''I just—I just don't like leaving you alone in this house with them Damien. I know that it's best for me to sleep at Connors' house when he's back in town but I don't like leaving you here. It makes me feel bad.'' Cody admits, looking into my eyes.

I can see the puddles forming in his eyes and with a single blink the tears cascade down his face. I sigh, reaching over to wipe my brothers face, proceeding to pull him closer to me for a hug.

''Don't you ever feel bad for me, Cody. I'm going to be alright. Okay? Look at me,'' I release him from the hug, staring into his teary eyes as I muster up the most believable face I can possibly display. ''I'm going to be just fine. You don't have to worry about me. I'm your older brother, it's my job to worry about you not the other way around.'' I say, hopping to soothe him.

He nods his head at me.

''Okay, I guess I'll drop you off early and you can finish your homework at Connors house. Go pack a bag for the week.'' I tell him.

He gets up from my bed and leaves my room, going to get his things ready.

I sigh, laying back against my bed.

I'm not going to be just fine when our father gets back into town tonight. I mean unless you consider just fine a broken nose and a few bruised ribs.

I'm sure as soon as his plane lands he'll make his way to the bar that's nearest to the airport. Then he'll take a taxi to the house, come home and greet us and everything will be fine for a while as he goes upstairs to unpack his suitcase.

And then things won't be fine.

Then my mother becomes a punching bag that works to alleviate my fathers stress.

And me? What do I become?

I become the bandages that wrap around a beaten punching bag. Pushing her to the side and taking all the hits for her.

And when morning rolls around she powders on a new layer of makeup and they'll both pretend like nothing happened. She'll refuse to look me in my eyes because of the guilt she feels for letting her husband put his hands on me.

And my father? He'll make some joke about how football is really getting the better of me this year with all the new bruises I'm sporting lately.

Fucking in denial, abusive alcoholic.

And me? I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Because I care about the people that I'm taking the hits to protect more than I care about myself.

I brush all of this from my mind, getting up from my bed. I grab my car keys from my dresser and make my way upstairs.

I walk down the hall over to the main stairwell in the house.

''Cody are you ready to go?'' I yell up the stairs. A minute later he comes running down the stairs, a backpack in one hand and a gym bag in the other.

''Let's go!'' He screams, running past me and for the front door. Okay so now I'm basically deaf.

I follow him outside, looking the front door behind me. He tosses his stuff into the backseat of the car, climbing into the passenger seat as I get into the drivers' seat.

I put my seatbelt on, waiting until he does the same before I start up the car and back out of the driveway.

I start heading in the direction of his best friend Connors house. It's nearly a thirty-minute drive and about fifteen minutes in my phone starts to ring.

''Answer it for me,'' I tell Cody. He gets my phone from my pocket, hitting the answer button and placing it to his ear.

He exchanges greetings with whoever's on the phone for a minute.

''Well we're in the car right now, he can't talk,'' Cody says. He looks at me. ''Steven wants to know if you can hangout at his house later.'' Cody informs me.

I shake my head.

''He doesn't want to hangout with you,'' Cody replies bluntly. I roll my eyes, coming to a halt at a red light and reaching over to take the phone from Cody's hands.

I put the phone to my ear.

''Steven I'm busy,'' I say simply before hanging the phone up and continuing to drive when the light changes colors.

''Liar,'' I hear Cody mumble in a sing-song voice.

''Am I not driving you somewhere?'' I ask him.

''Well you won't be in about ten minutes.'' He responds.

''Mhmm,'' I reply dryly.

We reach Connors house within the next ten minutes. Cody grabs his stuff from the backseat before hopping out of the car.

''Hey!'' I scream out of the window, honking the horn. ''I love you, I'll see you soon.''

''I love you too,'' He yells back, making his way up to Connors front door.

I drive away, going back to my house. The next thirty minutes are filled with the radio quietly spurting out a song now and again.

I pull up in my driveway, turning my car off and getting out. I make it to my front door, only to glance around and see Steven's car parked on the curb. I sigh, unlocking my front door and walking into my house.

I make my way down to my bedroom, not surprised in the slightest to see Steven in my room, digging through my dresser.

''What are you doing?'' I ask him, walking over to my dresser.

''Packing you some clothes obviously. Where do you think you're sleeping tonight? Here?'' He asks me sarcastically.

I walk over to him, putting all the clothes that he had taken out of my dresser back in it. ''I locked my front door when I left. You broke into my house and,'' I close my drawer, '' You're invading my privacy.''

He turns to look at me, his arms folded across his chest.

''Look I fucked up, okay?'' He offers. I just stand there. I'm not about to make this so easy for him. He fucks up all the time the only difference to this time is for some reason it hurt more.

It hurt a hell of a lot more.

He looks me in my eyes. I stare back into his deep brown eyes.

''You know what I'm trying to say,'' He attempts again. I shake my head, walking over to my bed and taking a seat.

Steven resumes taking my clothes from my dresser and tossing them into his athletics bag.

''Whenever you're finished packing my clothes for no reason at all, you should leave before my Dad gets here.'' I tell him.

Steven tosses the bag on the floor, turning around and walking towards me.

''Look I don't care how much of an asshole you're being to me right now, it's not changing the fact that you're sleeping at my fucking house tonight.'' He shouts at me.

''What about your annoying, overbearing helicopter parents?'' I ask him idly. He shrugs his shoulders.

''I'll sneak you in,'' He concludes.

''Steven unless you plan on sneaking me in for the entire week, don't waste your time. It doesn't matter if I dodge a beating tonight, because I know that it'll be coming my way regardless.'' I tell him seriously.

Yes, I would love to spend the night with Steven and not in my fucking house with my father, but it won't change the whole situation in its entirety. I'd rather just deal with it instead of playing a game of dodgeball.

Steven looks to the ground. I hear him intake a deep breath of air before he exhales it. ''I'm sorry,'' He apologizes, still not looking up at me. ''I'm an idiot sometimes Damien, but I do care. And I'm not letting you sleep here.''

He looks into my eyes again finally.

''Forgive me?'' He asks.

I stand up, grabbing Steven and pulling him closer. I let my hand gently stroke his cheek before leaning in and kissing his lips. I set him free from the kiss, looking at his face to see tears falling from his eyes.

I smile, wiping the tears away. ''That was me accepting your apology idiot, why are you crying?'' I taunt him.

He shakes his head. His arms come up to wrap around my neck. I feel more tears hitting my skin.

''Steven...'' I say quietly. I wrap my arms around him, hugging him back. ''Tell me what's wrong,'' I beg him.

I feel him shaking his head against my neck.

''Just hold me—hold me close please,'' He hiccups out through tears.

I guide us down to the bed. I lay on my back so that Steven can rest his head on my chest.

Getting things out of Steven isn't as easy as getting things out of Cody. With Steven I had to wait until he was ready to tell me. If I pry we'll just end up fighting about it and that won't get us anywhere.

So for now I guess I'll just be left worrying until he decides that he's ready to tell me.

I can't stop hearing his voice in my head when he told me that he cares about me.

There are different meanings for the word care. I don't know what he means.

What I do know is that I care.

I want to do more than just hold him close. That's the type of care I'm feeling. I want to keep him, take him, have him.

Honestly, at this point I feel like I can actually handle and get happiness out of putting up with his shit for the rest of my life.

I want him to be mines. But sadly, wanting isn't enough.

❌❌❌

edited.✅