Today is my wife's funeral, we had been together since we were teenagers and although she was a human I wanted her to be my mate .

But after I shifted for the first time into my wolf form on my 18th birthday, I felt nothing for her.

No sparks. No tingles. Absolutely nothing.

The relationship that we shared became pointless, and because I was nothing but a spineless coward, I asked my brother to break up with her on my behalf. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't look her in the eyes as I broke that bond that we had created and nurtured over the years. I just couldn't.

In the years that followed I looked for the person that would make me whole.No matter how high or low I looked I couldn't find my mate.

And eventually I returned to the pack after serving in the military for a couple years .

I had no mate,no one to love me , my brother tried to comfort me as much as he could but it had no weight coming from him .He was happy with a pup and a mate as his family. How could he possibly know and understand what I was going through?

So the years piled up and I turned to alcohol for comfort. And one night while I was drinking at the bar in town and I saw Sidney.

Our eyes met and we stared at each other for a bit before I looked away . Because although we weren't mates I couldn't look at her because I could see the pain that I had caused .

But Sidney still came over, and asked how I had been. Sidney was kind, she was sweet and never held grudges. It was those qualities that had made me fall for her and pray that she would be my mate.

But she wasn't.

I told her the truth, I felt like crap.And because I couldn't live the guilt of what I had done to her in the past, I apologized for running from her like a coward. For not being man enough to face her and break up with her in person.

And she forgave me, and with the air cleared between us everything fell into place. We talked and laughed through the night, it felt good. It felt like old times.

Later that night I drove her home on my bike, and when we reached her door she kissed me and it was like that one kiss had reignited the flame we had as teenagers and next thing I knew we were having mind blowing sex .

The next morning I got up and realised what I had done.I felt horrible for cheating on my mate and I hated myself for sleeping with Sidney, and the wolf inside me was boiling with anger .

So I got up and left the room with my stuff and headed home.

One September morning,early Autumn when the leaves were just changing colours I heard a knock on my door .

When I opened the door it was Sidney standing there with red puffy eyes. She had been crying.

"What's wrong?"

In a cracked voice she told me she was pregnant and my wolf went into a frenzy,I had to close my eyes and count to ten in an effort to stop him from forcing a shift and scaring Sidney.

Once he had somewhat calmed down I invited Sidney inside.

"We can coparent but we can't be anything more", I told her.

I had already betrayed my mate by sleeping with her and creating another life. My first child was not going to come from my mate and the thought of how angry my mate would be when they found out made me sick.

"Do you hate me that much that you won't consider our child in this matter.I want him or her to have a home. With two parents Houston!"

Sidney shouted at me as her blond hair fell from her bun and fell down covering parts of her face, she was becoming hysterical.I couldn't take it anymore so I told her to follow me out into the woods .

When we got to a clearing in the forest I stripped into my birthday suit , I could see the confusion in her eyes even as she blushed at my nudity.

With no warning whatsoever I transformed into my white and black wolf which startled Sidney. She looked like she was ready to bolt so I calmed her down by speaking and letting her know that it was still me. Wolf or human I was still the same Houston that she knew.

And once she had calmed down , I told her my secrets. I told her everything about me and my pack.

I told her about why I didn't want to be with her, i couldnt be with her. I told her about soulmates and that I hadn't found mine and when I do I would have to be with them. I let her know that regardless of the fact that she and I had a child, if I met my mate I would choose them.

Once she knew my reasons for not wanting to be with her she agreed to co-parent .8 months later Dallas was born and we moved in together so he could get the best care from both of his parents.

We talked about my mate and stuff and what would happen once I found them, when we talked about it I could see she was hurt but it had to be said. There was no point in sugarcoating it.

One night I came home drunk and in pure agony, my wolf and I needed our mate and every fiber of my body craved my mate but they were not there . And thats when I saw Sidney lying down on the couch and in my horny and sorrowful state I jumped her.

The next morning I regretted it as she wasn't something for me to use when I need a fixed.When she got up I saw the hickeys on her neck and I apologized right away and told her that it wouldn't happen again because I was moving out .

I got up to go and pack and she held my hand and stopped me. That's when she confessed that she liked it and proceeded to ask me if we could try to be in a relationship of some sorts.

And I don't know if it was the pain of not having my mate or the desperation in her eyes, that caused me to agree to her request. We laid down some new ground rules and in a few months we got pregnant again and had another baby boy.

We became a family of four and I thanked the moon goddess for blessing me with such a wonderful family.I may have been mateless but I had people who loved me and that was enough .

After years of considering if I should or shouldn't, I decided to ask her to marry me.

We had been going into our fourteenth year of marriage when we got the worst news possible .

She was sick with cancer. We went to the doctor and did all the treatment needed , she took all her pills but it didn't help.

Sidney put up a good fight but she lost the battle with cancer a week ago and now I am at her funeral.

She was laid to rest in a human cemetery, Dallas and Texas were there to support me as I buried my wife and the mother of my children.

As far as I could remember a mate was all I ever dreamed about .My other half, someone to love, someone that would understand me and accept all of me.

But the Moon Goddess did not deem it fit to give me one and yet I still found someone to love. And now she had taken her away from me, and left me all alone.